I feel like I need to confess just how awful I am

[EtainSkirata]

Saturday afternoon I got a new pair of glasses in the mail; my boyfriend was messing around and wanted me to put them on him; I was feeling a little annoyed at the idea but I did it anyway. But as I was doing it, I chose to poke him in the eye with the temple of the glasses. He just said "don't poke me in the eye" and then a second later was back to goofing off.
But I just felt HORRIBLE that I had deliberately done that to him. I asked him later how his eye was, and he said he had forgotten all about it.
But I just feel this need to confess to him that I had done it on purpose, that it wasn't an accident. That, and the incident with his thumb. In both instances, he wasn't bothered at all really. But I feel like if he were to know that I had done these actions deliberately, then he would break up with me.
And I feel as though, by not telling him, I am being dishonest with him. As though he doesn't have a complete picture of who I truly am.

At the same time, I feel that it might not be smart to bring this up now, and confess to him, because it might start a cycle of doubt and confessing and fear about my actions ("did I do THIS on purpose?") Or to have have him not trust me, even though I absolutely feel awful about what I did, and that I DON'T want to be doing these things.

I think I'm being obsessive, but at the same time, I don't know if I should come clean about these two events.

 

[public hermit]

It appears you are being obsessive. I saw your other thread about his thumb. Have you considered seeking professional help. OCD is treatable. I feel for you because I know how frustrating it can be. Think about getting some help.

 

[d taylor]

-​

Ok so why did you do this on purpose.

 

[angelsaroundme]

A thumb is one thing, and it was the first time. The eye is more serious.

It seems your unconscious, through manifesting compulsive thoughts, is pushing you to ruin the relationship because you don't want to date/aren't ready to date/whatever the case is. I realize you are probably going to take this extremely hard on yourself. But I think the most important thing is to not be around someone you can't stop yourself from hurting. You don't want to keep giving yourself more to regret.

 

[EtainSkirata]

It appears you are being obsessive. I saw your other thread about his thumb. Have you considered seeking professional help. OCD is treatable. I feel for you because I know how frustrating it can be. Think about getting some help.

Yes; my therapist isn't really diagnosing me with OCD, but we're working to solve the problems and the anxiety. These instances with my boyfriend aren't the first time I've experienced these problems; it's happened off and on since I was a kid.

 

[EtainSkirata]

A thumb is one thing, and it was the first time. The eye is more serious.

It seems your unconscious, through manifesting compulsive thoughts, is pushing you to ruin the relationship because you don't want to date/aren't ready to date/whatever the case is. I realize you are probably going to take this extremely hard on yourself. But I think the most important thing is to not be around someone you can't stop yourself from hurting. You don't want to keep giving yourself more to regret.

I don't feel like that's an accurate description. I truly appreciate the time you've taken to reply to me all these times, but I don't think that's an accurate description of what's going on. The reason is because I've dealt with these types of things over and over again, since I was a kid. "Did I mean to do that on purpose or didn't i?" Or, "that looked like a small accident but i meant to do it, but nothing bad really happened."
The only difference now is that the stakes are higher: meaning, a relationship I really care about is on the line.

 

[EtainSkirata]

Essentially, what I'm dealing with are two issues:
1) the little poke I gave him as I put the glasses on his face (had I paused for two seconds and taken the time to be careful, this would have been avoided, but i just chose to be rude about it)

2) this constant "mesh" of intrusive thoughts pretty much right at the same moment I am doing an action. This had followed me since I was maybe 12. So I've constantly been plagued by "I felt my muscles start to do a thing i don't want to do as I had the thought, and it happened so fast." I could hardly explain it to the therapist, let alone try to explain it here, but it's bizarre and scary.

And I don't want to open the door to constantly confessing things that AREN'T a problem. Such as intrusive thoughts and weird feelings. That, and the fact that he wasn't bothered, makes me not want to tell him.

At the same time, I feel like a fraud. A horrible, wretched liar.

 

[Petros2015]

He just said "don't poke me in the eye" and then a second later was back to goofing off.

It is at all possible that you accidentally poked him, and then the thought comes in retroactively after that you chose to do it on purpose? I had some weird experiences years ago when I smoked weed where thoughts that were happening after the fact were actually getting remembered as happening before. Memory does some weird things (mine has on occasion).

I'm guessing not possible, but just in case. I feel for you - if all of my thoughts were broadcast all the time, I doubt I would have any friends. Most of the time they have not translated to actions. Yours have translated but only as very small ones. You said you were "a little annoyed" at trying on the glasses; were you annoyed before the thumb incident? Wondering if there is a pattern.

I'm afraid I don't have any advice to offer on the disclose/nodisclose.

 

[public hermit]

At the same time, I feel like a fraud. A horrible, wretched liar

You're not a fraud or liar, and you're not horrible. We don't always have control over our thoughts and impulses. They come; it's what we do with them that matters. And, let's be honest with ourselves, sometimes we indulge thoughts and impulses we would rather not in our better moments. God loves you so be kind to yourself. Practice letting thoughts go because at the end of the day, you are not your thoughts. That has been key for me, i.e. realizing that I am not my thoughts, and I don't have to hold on to them. Another thing that has helped is recognizing how much time I waste in the moment worrying about first thoughts/impulses that I didn't invite and can't control. Time is precious, let past thoughts go, even as soon as you have them. I hope you are sharing these episodes with your therapist. I wish you well. God loves you; don't let wayward thoughts tell you any different.

 

[EtainSkirata]

You're not a fraud or liar, and you're not horrible. We don't always have control over our thoughts and impulses. They come; it's what we do with them that matters. And, let's be honest with ourselves, sometimes we indulge thoughts and impulses we would rather not in our better moments. God loves you so be kind to yourself. Practice letting thoughts go because at the end of the day, you are not your thoughts. That has been key for me, i.e. realizing that I am not my thoughts, and I don't have to hold on to them. Another thing that has helped is recognizing how much time I waste in the moment worrying about first thoughts/impulses that I didn't invite and can't control. Time is precious, let past thoughts go, even as soon as you have them. I hope you are sharing these episodes with your therapist. I wish you well. God loves you; don't let wayward thoughts tell you any different.

I read this, then sat down and cried. Thank you for this.

 

[Mari17]

Saturday afternoon I got a new pair of glasses in the mail; my boyfriend was messing around and wanted me to put them on him; I was feeling a little annoyed at the idea but I did it anyway. But as I was doing it, I chose to poke him in the eye with the temple of the glasses. He just said "don't poke me in the eye" and then a second later was back to goofing off.
But I just felt HORRIBLE that I had deliberately done that to him. I asked him later how his eye was, and he said he had forgotten all about it.
But I just feel this need to confess to him that I had done it on purpose, that it wasn't an accident. That, and the incident with his thumb. In both instances, he wasn't bothered at all really. But I feel like if he were to know that I had done these actions deliberately, then he would break up with me.
And I feel as though, by not telling him, I am being dishonest with him. As though he doesn't have a complete picture of who I truly am.

At the same time, I feel that it might not be smart to bring this up now, and confess to him, because it might start a cycle of doubt and confessing and fear about my actions ("did I do THIS on purpose?") Or to have have him not trust me, even though I absolutely feel awful about what I did, and that I DON'T want to be doing these things.

I think I'm being obsessive, but at the same time, I don't know if I should come clean about these two events.

It sounds like you've found some resolution to this, but I just wanted to let you know that I've struggled with similar obsessions, so feel free to reach out if you start struggling again. I do think it is wise that you are aware of OCD and not wanting to start an OCD cycle of compulsions. Good for you!

 

[EtainSkirata]

It sounds like you've found some resolution to this, but I just wanted to let you know that I've struggled with similar obsessions, so feel free to reach out if you start struggling again. I do think it is wise that you are aware of OCD and not wanting to start an OCD cycle of compulsions. Good for you!

Thanks Mari. hope you have a good day today, and thanks for all you do for us in this forum.