Thank you for your post and understanding. It's not easy and I only feel like I have the Lord to turn to.
Now he's makes it sound like I am abusing him.
In the beginning of our marriage I just tried to defend myself and didn't respond back in kind at all. Now shamefully I get angry and really have to hold myself back and sometimes I fail.
He says I insult him but not in the same direct manner. Example over the years I find that in my opinion he gets too friendly with pretty young girls which bothers me and I tell him. Or when he makes compliments to other women on being lady like, classy, smart, telling them they are winners to encourage them, it gets me angry because he says I am a trucker, I am a loser, dumb, more if a guy because I don't wear often sexy nightgowns (he even said that I preferred women because I have a hard time responding to him.. after all the name calling month on end its difficult) so I have to him about this discrepancy and he gets super mad saying I am putting a bad shadow or spin after all his years of following Christ and not dating
No surprises there. It is common for a bully to try and turn the tables on his victim. I was in a work situation some years ago and experienced workplace bullying. After six months of it, I filed a complaint with the administration manager. When the bully was informed of the complaint, she resigned and then filed a counter-complaint and went to an employment lawyer threatening to sue the department for $10,000 against a colleague and me. We thought we would have to go to the employment court to give evidence, but at the last minute she was given $3,000 to make the case go away.
A bully is usually very charming and believable to everyone else except his target. When you do defend yourself and stand up to him, he then goes and tells everyone that you are bullying him.
What you need to do is to get a diary and make a written record of every incident, describing what he has done to you and what you did to defend yourself. When you start your record, remember back past incidents and write what you remember. That way, you have a timeline of events which serves as evidence. Keep your diary in a safe place. Once, when I was a school principal and I kept a written record of the actions of a staff member who was being contrary, and one day the diary went missing. I never found it. I think it was stolen.
The strategy is to conduct yourself toward your husband as if he is the best husband in the church. You are not accepting his conduct, but you are keeping yourself squeaky clean in the face of his contrary conduct. The strategy is never to negatively criticise him to others, but always speak absolutely positive things about him to others. You can agree with anyone in principle without having to change your behaviour. You are not agreeing with him
in your heart, but you are strategizing by appearing to agree with him. This is not hypocrisy, but self-protection. It won't stop his bullying, because it is his way of having power over you. Resisting him will only make him push harder, so ceasing all resistance gives him nothing to push against. He may think he has won, but in reality he hasn't, because you are not going to change your behaviour and what you intend to do with your life.
Your defence weapon is your diary of events. Once you have a six-month timeline of bullying incidents, especially the physical violence, then, when you make a complaint, you have the evidence.
There is a good book that has helped me at times when I have needed it: "When I say No, I Feel Guilty" By Manuel J Smith. It is assertiveness with people you care about. "Pulling Your Own Strings" by Wayne Dyer is another good one, and it is a type of assertiveness toward people you don't care about as much. Here is the PDF version of the Manuel Smith book:
http://www.leithon.net/huahao/upload/file/20140502/20140502232035_1093.pdf