I dont know what to do..........

[jacquidube]

Hello. I am finding it very difficult to allow my marriage to carry on.
I feel I have no help and I am too weak to look to God.
I know God hates divorce but I dont want to upset God in any way.

I have been married just over 4 years to a man I met on the internet. He is from Zimbabwe and he asked me to marry him pretty much straight away. I agreed and we married 2 weeks before his visa ran out. He has applied for permanant residency but the home office have only granted him a 3 year probational stay and will review it after 3 years. The reason he has only a probational stay is because he was physically violent towards me. I did try to fight back but I am so tiny and never won the fight. He has also been unfaithful to me with other married women and had contact with sex chat rooms. All this happened 1 week after marrying him and while I was pregnant. I have been pregnant 6 times with this man and lost 5 of them. We have one child together.
He has been asked to leave the home by my social worker, so he has been away for 3 months now but we still see him every day because of the child.
My husband was not able to work for 4 years because thats how long his application has taken to come through. I have taken care of him, feeding, clothing, phone etc and all I got back in return was abuse and unfaithfulness.
I am trying to sort my head out but dont know what to do. I ask myself does this man really love me or did he just use me to get citizenship. I have spoken to him and he wants to come back to me but I dont trust him. His eyes lust after other women and he stares all the time at them but he denys this and says I am going mad.
Is this man just being cruel?
He claims to be a christian but I have my doubts. He said he backslid when he came to this country as there were too many temptations, not like Zimbabwe where he said he had nothing.
Does God want me to stay with this guy. Do I have to fight to save my marriage. My husband came back to Christ 2 years ago and gives talks in the local church. I am upset that he is allowed to do this as the congregation know of our problems.
Please could anyone help. My husband knows my weaknesses.
He knows I wont let God down so he knows I will put up a fight to save the marriage.
Thankyou so much for reading this long post.
All my love Jacqui. x x x x

 

[Jillymac]

I really don't have to many answers to give. I'm sorry i wish i could. God does not want you being abused, and although God hates divorce He did say that it can be used when one has committed adultery.
You must keep yourself and your child safe from any abuse from this man. You have suffered being with this man, whilst providing him with the comfort of a home, food and clothing. You have obviously tried to make things better, you must have gone through so much hurt and pain with the loss of the pregnancies. I pray God will give you a great healing, spiritually, emotionally and physically for this area in your life.

I would suggest that you pray for your husband. Spiritually you are under no holds to stay married to him, however I am not suggesting to divorce him. From what you have spoken, your husband has a lot to overcome. He seems to have a lot of things he needs to get rid of spiritually in his life. You speak of his lusting, his abuse (i would imagine he is angry, yes?), these are areas that God can deliver someone from. I suggest you pray that God reveals these things to him and provides your husband with a means to rid himself of them. For your husband to change, he must realise this in himself, he must want to change.

People from different countries, especially from African communities, still work under "the women do the work and look after the men". I've recently been to Africa and it's very obvious, just even when watching the way women and men behave. However that does not mean that he has an excuse for his actions. Just as you have had to adapt to this marriage, so should he. Biblically he is wrong, a husband is supposed to love his wife as Jesus loved the church, this is a concept he is not following. When he knew he was to marry you he also should have learned what lifestyle you were accustomed to and adapted to it.

My heart goes out to you. God loves you, you are NEVER to weak when it comes to a relationship with God. You are his daughter, when you are weak, He makes you strong! He is your father and in no way does he want you to suffer. He will pull you through this and you will be a strong strong woman, don't doubt His ability, just trust in it instead. When i say pray for your husband, pray for yourself as well! Pray that God restores your confidence, that you will walk with your head held high again. That you won't feel like you are alone or in the dark. God's going to shine a light for you to walk and to follow and He will sort out your marriage problems, whatever is to happen. He will sort out your husband. Believe that He will. Bear with me here. I believe God is saying that "daughter, you need to find your smile again. It's been too long and you've suffered too much. Reach out your hand, Mine is always there, I will always be there for you my daughter and I will pull you through."

You've been through a rough ride, and it's time to come out of that dark time.

I pray that there will be a new energy in your life. That you will feel that a great weight has been lifted off your life. You're not alone in this, God wants to bear the weight of this burden and help you with this. He wants to see you laugh again, He wants to see you enjoy life with your child and not be frightened from anyone or anything. God is with you.

If God is for us, who can be against us!!!

Love Jx

 

[Catherineanne]

It is not true that God hates divorce. What God hates is one person abusing another. If this is happening within marriage, then God wants that to stop, any way you can achieve that. Marriage was instituted to protect women, not to make them sitting targets for any abuse that their husband wants to hurl at them.

In order to protect yourself, and your child, you must divorce this man, imo. You will find, as many other divorced women find, that God will not desert you.

 

[squatpuke]

It is not true that God hates divorce. What God hates is one person abusing another. If this is happening within marriage, then God wants that to stop, any way you can achieve that. Marriage was instituted to protect women, not to make them sitting targets for any abuse that their husband wants to hurl at them.

In order to protect yourself, and your child, you must divorce this man, imo. You will find, as many other divorced women find, that God will not desert you.

R I G H T___O N !

 

[Godisgr8r]

I would say that you are being used and God doesn't expect us to be someone elses doormat. Send him back to Zimbabwe..

 

[c1ners]

You are a precious Jewel in God's eyes. He doesn't wish anything bad to happen to you. If this guy is abusing you, than you have to get away from him. No, God will not look down upon you with a frown of disapproval. He will open his arms and tell you to come into them so he can soothe your broken heart. He is hurting to see you hurting.

 

[Amélie Unbound]

It is not true that God hates divorce.

Are you sure?

Then why does the Bible say this:

"I hate divorce," says the LORD God of Israel
-- Malachi 2:16

It seems pretty clear to me.

I think it's safe to say that God hates abuse, too. I am by no means saying the situation is okay with God. But I did feel I needed to speak up against the above incorrect statement.

 

[MominTX2004]

God hates sin.....Divorce is a sin, if the outcome is aldutery, abuse is a sin, He also says not to be around an angry man. There is sin all around us. Sometimes either way will take you to a sin, but that's what Jesus was sent for, to clean us of our sins. It's kind of like a stiuation where a husband tells you to steal food. Now stealing is wrong, obviously but it also says wives submit in everything....I think you should seek help from a christian counselor and get out of the current situation, especially if it looks like he'll be abusive towards your child. I think if you're thinking of your well-being and the well-being of a child then God will not be angry. Plus, you don't have to get a divorce, just separate and do not look for another partner. God bless you!

 

[searle29678]

I believe that God hates divorce...however I also believe that God loves you and wants you to be able to live a life pleasing to Him and if your marriage is hindering that and is beyond repair, it is more important that you are going to be ok then whether or not the marriage lasts.
In cases of extreme abuse and adultery where there are children involved, it is important to at least separate and get help and if that doesn't work seek divorce. Children should not be exposed to this sort of behavior from their father and if he can't change or just won't change I think it is in their best interest that you either stay separated or divorce.
However, if their is a glimmer of hope that things will get better I would at least go to counselling if he is willing and continue to pray that God will lead you where you need to go.

 

[Leanna]

How well do you communicate? Does he speak English well enough? I would take him and go to counseling....

 

[philknowles]

According to your story, he's already committed adultery, which is the only grounds for divorce. God hates it, but he hates unfaithfulness too.

I personally would get out of the marriage. Send him back where he came from.

 

[Mary_Magdalene]

Are you sure?

Then why does the Bible say this:



It seems pretty clear to me.

I think it's safe to say that God hates abuse, too. I am by no means saying the situation is okay with God. But I did feel I needed to speak up against the above incorrect statement.

ITA. exactly what i was gonna say!

 

[MaraPetra]

First off, ask yourself the classic Ann Landers question: Are you better off without him, or with him? Pray long and hard over that question, and listen to God's answer, before you answer it.

Judging by what you have written, he started less than a week after you married, so it's a fairly good assumption that he possessed those behaviors long before you and he married...Internet relationships can be as addictive as any inappropriate content, and it's as much of an infidelity! If you stay with him, please be advised that the abuse and infidelity may NOT get better...Unless the person has a true repentance and remorse, then he will "spiral"...In other words, as time goes on, he will gradually become more abusive, and the infidelity will not stop. It will get worse.

It alarms me that he is actually preaching. Leading a double life is so easy, especially with the Internet to pander to addictions in relative anonymity. And preaching isn't a guarantee that a person is "holy", it just means he's quiet about his sins. And if he's still looking at other women with lust, then it's just a matter of time before he's found out.

So, to start out, you know he's got some nasty tricks, you're definately feeling used, and if it hasn't gotten better by now, chances are it's not going to. To take him back means risking more infidelity, and more abuse. And you now have an innocent set of eyes looking to you as the role model for how a woman should act.

Is this really the life you want for you and your child? Is what's going on what you want your daughter to see as 'normal'?

You're in a very advantageous position right now. You have proven, over the past four years, that you can support not only yourself, but also your child and a deadbeat husband. I've known many abused women who were not nearly that fortunate. Many of them had not worked in years, had children but no home (from fleeing abusive relationships like yours), and more often than not weren't even getting child support. God's already blessed you in that area, because you have the ability and the gift to support yourself.

I've been where you are, my friend. I endured nine years of emotional abuse, and I left with nothing more than my kids, my car, and personal belongings. I didn't leave with any self-esteem, because that had basically been eroded to nothing by the years of abuse.

You don't realize the depth of abuse until you get away from the abuser, and you live a life free from hurting. You don't realize how incredible life can be, until you find yourself one day, staring in the mirror, and actually liking what you see in the mirror. It took me almost five years after the divorce to reach that point!

I likened my divorce to stepping out of a cage, and finally spreading my wings to fly. Without my ex to pluck out my feathers with lies, hurtful words, and infidelity, I found that I could soar quite well on my own. My children were given the chance to have another male role model in their lives, and they have benefited greatly from it. I have a son who looks to his step-father as a role model, because he remembers how my tears with his real father, and he sees how happy I am with my second husband. Instead of being raised in a hypocritical or Godless household, my son asked my second husband to baptize him...And my darling child defied his own father to make that commitment to God! How cool is that!

Does God like divorce? No, He doesn't. BUT, God doesn't ask us to stay in a relationship where infidelity and abuse are happening, either. Your husband has sinned against you, against your child, made a mockery of his marriage vows and sinned against God. He's hurt you both physically and psychologically, and not repented. He knows he can dominate you, and he has. He does not support his family, but instead dishonors you and your daughter by continuing to sin. I'm sorry to tell you this, my sister, but that's no "man of God". It's a hard stretch to call him a man.

So, my advice to you is this...Think about what's being said. Pray long and hard over where God wants you to be. Take your daughter's future into consideration, because she will become what you portray to her as a role model...Not what you say, but what you do, and what you tolerate. Think about your life lived for God, instead of a life spent in fear. You'll find your answer.

God bless you and that innocent child.

(And from a personal point of view, I'd have that sucker sent back to Zimbabwe so fast, he wouldn't have time to soil the tidy whities that you paid for!)

 

[Febe]

If You ask me: Leave him!
The sooner the better!
Take care of Your self and the child, and God will help You.
This marriage is not the way God ment a relation to be!
Good luck!

 

[Mary_Magdalene]

Please could anyone help. My husband knows my weaknesses. He knows I wont let God down so he knows I will put up a fight to save the marriage.

this isnt weakness-this is your strength!

 

[J0hnSm1th]

Leave him. Dont let him know where you are.

 

[Febe]

Leave him. Dont let him know where you are.

Good idea!!!
​

 

[Catherineanne]

Are you sure?

Yes. As sure as I am that God is Love.

then why does the Bible say this:

The Bible is mistaken. Not for the first time.

God does not hate divorce. Divorce is not a sin. Divorce is self protection. How would God hate a woman protecting herself and her child? That is just barking mad. If I genuinely believed God to hate divorce, then I would call him barking mad too. But I know that he doesn't, from my personal experience. When I prayed for him to help me to mend my marriage there was silence. When I prayed for support to help me divorce, there he was; every step of the way. And there he is still, beside me.

Neither is divorce a sin. What is a sin is an abusive marriage. I can't believe that there are still Christians in this day and age who will try to imply some form of holiness to marriage per se, as if it is some kind of magic charm. It isn't. A good marriage is a blessing. A bad marriage is worse than living in hell. They are not all viewed by God in the same way, as if he has no intelligence, no discernment, no sense of proportion or reality.

Such marriages in my view blaspheme the sacrament of marriage, and anyone saying anything different should be ashamed, because, like it or not, their words are a tacit complicity with the behaviour of the abuser, and make it harder for the victim to achieve the escape she needs.

Christian women have enough guilt to deal with in even contemplating divorce. Add to that self doubt and that guilt, and you only lead her to remain in danger and in pain for longer.

 

[Amélie Unbound]

The Bible is mistaken. Not for the first time.

Wow. Well, at least now we can all see where you're coming from. Thank you for that.

I'm just wondering though, if you don't believe that the Bible is absolute truth, what do you base your faith on? Do you believe that anything the Bible says is true? If so, how do you decide which parts are true and which parts aren't?

By the way, I'm not telling anyone to stay in an abusive marriage. All I'm saying is that I don't think anyone should say that God does not hate divorce when the Bible clearly states that He does. I, like (hopefully) most Christians, believe that the Bible is the divinely inspired Word of God, and that:

All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness

--2 Timothy 3:16

 

[Jillymac]

Orchard i'm with you on this one. When God mentions He hates something, we need to take it very seriously. Our God is a God of love, so when He says He hates something, it is a very important statement.

I would never proclaim God has said anything other than what is written in His word or what has been clearly spoken through the Holy Spirit.

The bible is the word of God, it can be quite offensive to state that the "bible is mistaken" to those who purely base their faith on it's teachings, as Christians this should include us all.

Again, like Orchard has already mentioned, when it comes to abuse, measures must be taken to maintain safety.