I don't know if I want to know.

[Neostarwcc]

The more and more I talk to therapists and look things up the more and more I'm sure of it. I have repressed memories of trauma in my life.

Like, wife and I go on the computer for example this morning. I'm fine the entire day but when I went on the computer I developed dissociation and I still have it while typing this.

I do remember my dad used to hate me being on the computer. I do remember that he thinks they ruined my life so maybe, something happened between my dad and I that involved the computer? I don't know or remember. But I do know that I experience dissociation very frequently when im playing video games so there has to be a connection. In one sense, I want to know what happened and I want to know if it's really true that my Dad used to hit me or if it's just the imagination of seven year old me. I do not remember a single moment of physical violence from my dad. But I do remember going to a teacher and saying how petrified of my dad I was. I don't remember if I told the teacher about physical violence but I do remember the teacher confronting my dad of physical violence and my dad denying it. I do remember that things got way worse after that and I remember learning to never tell anyone or talk about it again.

Since I started talking about this, I've claimed my dad physically abused me growing up as if it's the truth and I don't remember any of it. But it rings truth and my dad physically abused my mom in front of me before for taking "my" side so.... I remember that traumatic experience why can't I remember the rest? I have a really chilly feeling that I don't want to know what my father did to me. That I don't want to know why I got so many panic attacks and everything growing up and I wasn't even eight years old yet. What eight year old aside from those abused experiences panic attacks? Especially when in front of my father? Why would I be so terrified of him if nothing ever happened between my dad and I? But at this point. At almost 36 years old, I don't remember much of my childhood or growing up at all. I've always had memory problems so, maybe there is something sinister being hidden here.

It's all fitting together but, do I want to know? Will God ever tell me? Will I ever recover from this? I guess only time and prayers will tell. Praying over and over again for my healing. Or to at least, have the relationship with my Father I deserved growing up.

 

[ripple the car]

It really depends on the situation. Sometimes, it’s best to move on, and let buried things stay buried.

Modern psychology places a lot of emphasis on abuse, trauma, and memories. Christ places a lot of emphasis on healing, forgiveness, freedom, and grace. Sometimes the things can intersect; forgiving an abuser or praying for them. But other times, it’s healthier to let things go, focus on Christ, and let Him heal you, in His own way and in His own time.

I’ve been through some stuff. I don’t need to dwell on it. The therapists I went to asked me to describe the same traumatic events over and over again in vivid detail as a little kid; to this day it’s nearly impossible for me to talk about what’s bothering me, even with my husband. I have that negative of an association with talking and sharing.

Do what is best for you in this situation. Don’t confuse contemporary psychology with theology. It can be helpful, but it can keep us negatively pinned in the past, too, and can make us think of ourselves as victims rather than allow us to forgive and move forward.

 

[LoricaLady]

I am no expert but from what I have read about serious trauma in childhood, and from what you have shared in your post,I can see why you are concerned that there are traumatic events in your past which you are blocking out.

I pray that if the Lord wants you to remember, that you will, with the presence of the Holy Spirit to comfort you. I pray that you will heal and that you will be able to forgive any harm done to you.

 

[HARK!]

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