I caught my dad watching inappropriate content

[Hetta]

A lot of good, decent people struggle with inappropriate content usage or even addiction. You may have caught him in a moment of weakness. Even very religious people struggle with this temptation. A story I once heard from a Priest was that a young monk asked a wise older monk "when do the sexual temptations stop?" And the older monk answered "About five minutes after they bury you."

The point is that it is not surprising your father struggles with this. As his daughter, I'd say you are about the worst person to try and talk with him about it. I would suggest not bringing the issue up with either parent unless it happens again.

You say you're an agnostic. Maybe you could try to pray for your father to receive the graces of chastity and fidelity. Chastity doesn't mean he doesn't have sex or sexual thoughts, only that he will direct them in the appropriate direction: towards his wife.

^^ This. Especially the bolded. I would hope that 1) my daughters wouldn't take it upon themselves to investigate their dad, and that 2) if they came across something like that, they would close the browser and turn their minds to something else. Adults/parents deserve their privacy. We have earned it.

 

[tomatocarrot]

Why?
The inappropriate content was on his cell phone. Also, are you suggesting that a picture of Jesus will have the same effect as a cold shower? I mean, I find the idea of Jesus to be a major turn-off, but most depictions of him are of a reasonably good-looking man. How do you know that seeing such a thing wouldn't exacerbate the "problem" (which isn't a problem).

He puts that already since he had that cellphone

 

[tomatocarrot]

^^ This. Especially the bolded. I would hope that 1) my daughters wouldn't take it upon themselves to investigate their dad, and that 2) if they came across something like that, they would close the browser and turn their minds to something else. Adults/parents deserve their privacy. We have earned it.

So you also did the same thing with my father?

 

[Hetta]

So you also did the same thing with my father?

I haven't done anything "with" your father.

 

[tomatocarrot]

This is a tough one; we just cannot rely on anyone for our salvation other than Jesus Christ. You respect your dad needs lots of help because this is not easy to deal with. There are things that can be set on his computer and phone that notifies the people he loves of all the sites he is visiting.

He might join a support group (we have one at our church and men that are leaders in our congregation attend because they have a problem).

The church is not a place for perfect people, but a hospital that helps people.

Telling people their wrong does not always help to stop them from doing wrong, but moving up beside them and working with them can help.

The Bible is full of big time sinners, with some making huge changes.

Let your father know you Love him and this has hurt you.

Your mom has lived long enough to see lots of people go through lots of problems.

Your dad could start a group for recovering inappropriate content addiction, hopefully the church can handle it (confessing can be good for the soul but hard on the reputation).

The big thing is to give your dad, like we all need, something good to do and not have time to get caught up in inappropriate content, let him know you need him to use his “inappropriate content time” to study and pray for/with you.

Unfortunately “secular” counselling may see the problem as your problem and not his, since they might not see any problem with inappropriate content.

My father is like the leader of my church. He is in the top chain of church (equal with priest) and there is no such group in my church. His position makes him cannot tell random people about his problem and his pride is waaaayy to high to tell others.

 

[tomatocarrot]

I haven't done anything "with" your father.

Not with, but the same thingg

 

[Hetta]

Not with, but the same thingg

What I have or haven't done is nobody's business but mine - which is not an admission of anything btw, just a reminder that I have a right to privacy, just like your dad has.

I understand that you were shocked at what you saw, and you feel that your dad has behaved hypocritically, but once you have expressed that to him, it's time to leave it alone. Your dad is an adult who needs to sort this out for himself, without his child constantly shaming him and demanding that he tell his wife, and effectively that he answer to that child for his behavior. I understand also that kids get shocked about their parents being sexual. It's very "ew" because parents should just be parents and not people, but we are people, and we make mistakes and we fail, and we regret our failings. IMO, you need to let him know that you love him and you trust him to deal with his own problems. That would be the respectful and kind thing to do.

 

[tomatocarrot]

What I have or haven't done is nobody's business but mine - which is not an admission of anything btw, just a reminder that I have a right to privacy, just like your dad has.

I understand that you were shocked at what you saw, and you feel that your dad has behaved hypocritically, but once you have expressed that to him, it's time to leave it alone. Your dad is an adult who needs to sort this out for himself, without his child constantly shaming him and demanding that he tell his wife, and effectively that he answer to that child for his behavior. I understand also that kids get shocked about their parents being sexual. It's very "ew" because parents should just be parents and not people, but we are people, and we make mistakes and we fail, and we regret our failings. IMO, you need to let him know that you love him and you trust him to deal with his own problems. That would be the respectful and kind thing to do.

Okay. Thankyou for ur concern btw. I tried that already. I told him that it is normal, but a father should keep his role as a parent and a husband and also he is a leader of my church. So I told him to put himself together.

 

[Hetta]

Okay. Thankyou for ur concern btw. I tried that already. I told him that it is normal, but a father should keep his role as a parent and a husband and also he is a leader of my church. So I told him to put himself together.

Okay, so you're done now, right? You've told him off, you've put him in his place .. so that's enough, right?

 

[tomatocarrot]

Okay, so you're done now, right? You've told him off, you've put him in his place .. so that's enough, right?

I hv trust issue. Wht if I made it worse?

 

[Hetta]

I hv trust issue. Wht if I made it worse?

Look, you will find out sooner or later than you can only control yourself. That's it. You can't control your dad, your mom, their church, or anyone else. If you have trust issues I would really, really advise you to find a counselor and deal with those issues. It's not your dad's responsibility to be the perfect person so that you can trust him. It's not anyone's responsibility to do that.

 

[Tallguy88]

I hv trust issue. Wht if I made it worse?

It will be fine. Just don't bring it up with him again. As long as you don't walk in on him again, you should consider this over.

 

[My Shalom]

I dont know how to make it go away. I cannot acknowledge him anymore. He used to preach about inappropriate content and stuffs and he did it.

Your mother is being hurt by the lie. She can be freed with the truth of his adultery. inappropriate content is adultery according to Christian teachings.
If you stay quiet you're your fathers accomplice in betraying your mothers trust in him. If he respected her he wouldn't do this. If you respect her you'll tell her what he's doing. When he knows there are no consequences he'll not have reason to stop. And really, doesn't your mother deserve better than to lay with a man that has betrayed her in this way?
What sensual relationship is he having with your mother when he's watched other women? Does he imagine them when he's with her? What's his reason for doing this? He's not satisfied with your mother.

Your mother deserves better in a husband. And she can only choose for herself how to deal with this once she knows there is an issue to be dealt with.
You're hurting your mother because you're keeping your dad's dirty secret from her. He's hurting her by engaging in that sin of adultery. And where else will he go once watching as a voyeur isn't enough? To other women?

Tell your mother! It is her business to know this. It isn't your right to hide your fathers betrayal.

 

[tomatocarrot]

Look, you will find out sooner or later than you can only control yourself. That's it. You can't control your dad, your mom, their church, or anyone else. If you have trust issues I would really, really advise you to find a counselor and deal with those issues. It's not your dad's responsibility to be the perfect person so that you can trust him. It's not anyone's responsibility to do that.

So bassically I ve done my part and that's it?

 

[GoldenKingGaze]

If you can afford it, why not see a counselor. Psychologists study the mind and addictions... so they can advise you.

 

[Hetta]

So bassically I ve done my part and that's it?

You got it.

 

[TheyCallMeDave]

Why?
The inappropriate content was on his cell phone. Also, are you suggesting that a picture of Jesus will have the same effect as a cold shower? I mean, I find the idea of Jesus to be a major turn-off, but most depictions of him are of a reasonably good-looking man. How do you know that seeing such a thing wouldn't exacerbate the "problem" (which isn't a problem).

inappropriate contentography IS a problem to every man engaged in it. Even though humanism ideals would have the person indulge in it to ones heart content . If the Viewer is a a true Christian, then he has the spirit of God within him and should be convicted of his sin by having his thoughts switched to his Lord ; if not, then he has suppressed his moral conscience to get what he wants,.

 

[Tallguy88]

Your mother is being hurt by the lie. She can be freed with the truth of his adultery. inappropriate content is adultery according to Christian teachings.
If you stay quiet you're your fathers accomplice in betraying your mothers trust in him. If he respected her he wouldn't do this. If you respect her you'll tell her what he's doing. When he knows there are no consequences he'll not have reason to stop. And really, doesn't your mother deserve better than to lay with a man that has betrayed her in this way?
What sensual relationship is he having with your mother when he's watched other women? Does he imagine them when he's with her? What's his reason for doing this? He's not satisfied with your mother.

Your mother deserves better in a husband. And she can only choose for herself how to deal with this once she knows there is an issue to be dealt with.
You're hurting your mother because you're keeping your dad's dirty secret from her. He's hurting her by engaging in that sin of adultery. And where else will he go once watching as a voyeur isn't enough? To other women?

Tell your mother! It is her business to know this. It isn't your right to hide your fathers betrayal.

I do not believe this is good advice. It is not a child's place to interfere with their parents' sexual issues.

 

[Tallguy88]

So bassically I ve done my part and that's it?

I would say yes. This is something for him (or him and your mother) to work out. You should pray for him/them if you feel called to do so. But as long as it doesn't come up some other way, you shouldn't be the one to bring it back up. Your father is probably already mortified he was caught by his daughter. Hopefully, that will be incentive enough for him to fight the temptation in the future.

 

[Hetta]

I do not believe this is good advice. It is not a child's place to interfere with their parents' sexual issues.

I wholeheartedly agree (there's a first with you and I!) Tattling on a parent to a parent will only - if the wife does not know (she may actually be aware) - cause an explosion within the marriage. The fallout could pit child against parent, and parent against child, as well as parent against parent. It's a horrible scenario. And I don't want to hear "he brought it on himself" as though he is the only sinner and this is the most terrible sin in the world. He has been shamed already, and has promised to take action. He should not be "policed" by his child. That way lies resentment and anger.