For some reason,I feel unwanted hate towards Jesus that’s scaring me very badly,I keep begging Jesus to please bring peace and comfort to my troubled soul.
Everytime I pray I repent of what I thought 2 days ago,I’m bombarded with “why be repentant yo a God who created sin” in my mind
To help,I watched a few clips from Movies of Jesus,but when I watched crucifixion scenes I was getting feelings that “ he somehow deserved it” and that scared me so badly that I immediately went to the Lord in prayer.
Blaise, I am willing to bet that these thoughts and feelings only came to you because you've been locked in a state for so long where you have been terrified of them happening. It's small wonder then that every time you try to pray or find comfort in Christ in some way, that your brain discovers a new sentence that sounds evil to you or blasphemes the Lord in some way - such as what you've said above: "why be repentant towards God" - to run through your constantly troubled mind. It's OCD, man, nothing more. A very emotionally and mentally harmful form of OCD, in my opinion. You
clearly don't want these thoughts and feelings. I will pray that God has mercy upon you and frees you from this trouble. Surely He knows and understands.
And if it helps at all, I can give you a prime example from back when I suffered through the same kind of OCD that you appear to, where my brain kept coming up with new ways to be fearful, to be terrified at the possibility that I am "not really saved" or that I "am not a true believer in Christ", etc. I will try to keep this brief. My struggle with this kind of OCD in 2012 first came when one morning that February I felt a surge of what I can only describe as demonic, negative energy. I felt sick, actually. A few seconds of experiencing it, I yelled out "Why are you trying to take away my joy, Satan?!" .... And then I immediately thought, just in the pure emotion of the moment,
oh no! What if that was the Holy Spirit doing that to me, and I just called Him Satan?! There it is! I've committed the unforgivable sin!
Never mind the sheer absurdity of the possibility that it would be the Holy Spirit, also called the
Comforter by Christ Himself at one point in the gospels, who would give me such a negative feeling as I felt that morning. Why would He ever do that? The point is, even after having calmed down from that time and deciding in my head that I did not commit the one unforgivable sin of blasphemy of the Spirit, over the next two weeks or so I kept fearing doing something else, saying or thinking
anything else that would then be counted as unforgivable, that would blaspheme the Holy Spirit in some way, because now due to that first experience I was put in a ridiculous mindset that, even after coming to believe in Jesus Christ for years now, and knowing of and accepting the fact of His great sacrifice for all of our sakes', that now God was out to get me by either testing me Himself or allowing some test to come to me at any time for the rest of my life that would render all of that belief and faith and the sacrifice of Jesus Christ null and void for me should I fail the test. So, like I said in the first paragraph, just like with how I think this might be happening to you right now, I sure enough eventually had a blasphemous thought cross my mind one night about two weeks later after that first incident ... precisely because I was so fearful of it happening. The thought was a particular curse against the Holy Spirit. Despite my confidence that the Lord knows my heart and that I would only be doing so in order to show candor and a desire to help you, I will not type out exactly what that thought was. Again, not out of a fear that somehow it would "count" as the unforgivable sin if I did, but I fear it would actually do more harm than good for you and anyone else here struggling with blasphemous or fearful thoughts right now (no need to plant another possible thought in your heads right now for you to worry about thinking and then fearing that you "mean it"). The point is, that thought that was a curse against the Spirit
only popped up in my mind for the first time in my then entire 28 years of life, because I was already in a mental state (due to the first incident I described above where I first had that demonic feeling and panicked for a second that I was calling the Holy Spirit "Satan" when I rebuked the feeling - again, it was only foolish that I so much as entertained the notion for the slightest bit of time that it was the Holy Spirit who would make me feel so ill and downtrodden all of a sudden) where I would be fearful of anything, anything happening in my mind or in my actions or whatever that would suddenly render me condemned.
It's not your fault, man. Keep praying for the Lord's healing and be determined to cling to Him no matter what, no matter how badly you might ever feel over these thoughts and feelings. Be determined to believe that the bad thoughts are not the true you. It's a mental sickness you cannot help on your own right now. It's very difficult to live with, I know, but take heart.
