Wrestling with an angel...
So, I got angry and asked the voice in my head "Are you actually saying to me, If you truly Love them, you must hurt them, in order to save them." How f-ed up is that? How can that be love? I must hurt and wound deeply and cause great pain to my family, friends, children, and beloved ones, the ones I love the most? I won't do it... Why do you ask this of me? Then he said "If you really love them truly selflessly and really do care about them and their eternal existence and not just your own, you will do it..." Then I said "I can't, I won't, I refuse..." Then he said "That's pretty selfish of you, isn't it?" Then I said "I don't care!" Then he said "Oh, but you do, which is why I ask this of you. I am asking you to the harder thing for you, the truly selfless thing, to not only do what gives you peace or peace of mind but to do what makes makes you unsettled and uncomfortable and sacrifice your own peace of mind and comfort and self-assurance in your own eternal soul, for theirs... I am asking you to take a risk and take a chance... Besides, you will not save your own soul by remaining "comfortable" in life and only caring about your own peace and eternal fate, very selfishly I might add, you expect God to "reward" for that and grant you eternal life in heaven? Tell me, how does that work?"
Then I said, "I'm not strong enough, it hurts to bad." Then he said "Stop making excuses, or I will have to slap you, I happen to know that you are strong enough, one of the few left in this world that is, "fear" is holding you back, fear of being hated, despised, rejected, forsaken, abandoned by men and living your life as an outcast, fear of being alone and lonely... You should fear God and not man... You have an advantage, you are no longer a part of this world system, as they are, you are an outsider and it takes and outsider to do this... Then I said, "But I was once just like them, I would be the worlds biggest hypocrite if I do what you ask." Then he said "But you are no longer that way, would you rather that the only way they be saved is to suffer greatly over many years and go through the school of hard knocks and lose everything and everyone and be destitute, abandoned, and alone and have nothing in life, as you have, when, even then, there is no real reassurance that they will learn, or would you rather rebuke them and cause them only a fleeting moment of pain and that mainly to their pride?"
Then I said "I don't know?" Then he said, "Well, know this: If you stand idly by and do nothing, neither them or you will go to heaven, you will all go to hell, is that what you want?" Then I said "So, your telling me I have no choice? I thought Jesus already settled this?" Then he said, "He did, but no one is really listening to him, and no one is paying attention to him, and no one can really "hear" him or even truly understand his words and what he is saying with accuracy, until they wind up where you are now, and, even then, there is no real reassurance that they will or can, like you do... With that understanding comes heavy responsibility, I appollogize, but that is the way of things... You must temporarily do what hurts you and them or there will be no hope for any of you..." Then I said, "even if I do what you ask, they may just get angry and not repent and not be saved anyway..."
Then he said "True, some will, some won't, but, if you choose to act, some will be saved along with yourself, but if you do not act, none will, neither them or yourself... And those who don't or won't be moved to repentance by your words and those that are or do, will be a separating work in preparation for the return of the Lord, when he comes to judge on Judgment Day and grant some eternal life in heaven, and some eternal suffering in hell..." Then I said "Just who are you? What is your name?" Then he said "Why do you ask for my name? Know that I am an angel of the Lord, and that is all that I am telling you..." Then he said "Look, I have told you the options, I have presented and delivered the choices to you and I have told you the truth, the rest I leave up to you..." Then he left me and I heard him no more...
And I wanted to curse him and I got angry and said "I am not responsible for the fate of other people!" "This is too much to take and bear, this is not my job, how can you do this to me, how can you put this heavy weight and burden upon me, I am nobody, I'm nothing, this is Jesus job and responsibility alone, NOT MINE, how can "I" be called to this? But there was no answer, for he was no longer there...
