I am feeling very discouraged. Need help.

[Sketcher]

I highlighted and underlined the passages demonstrating his judgmental attitude and sense of entitlement:

Is it too much to ask that a Christian woman value her religion enough to follow it on those points? Is it too much to ask that a Christian that you date value your obedience to the Christian faith yourself, and value what you consider to be positive life choices?

 

[Neve]

More judgment and entitlement:

I prefer a virgin lady to marry. However I know they are very hard to find so I gave up. I choose to forgive and accept non-virgins. I do require that they be a Christian. So I know my preference but I choose to give up on my preference.

Although I would say that his attitude toward all the "Christian ladies" is what is holding him back from finding "The One." He acts as if he's settling for a Mary Magdalene whenever he speaks about his "Christian ladies" when he really wants a Virgin Mary.

 

[Neve]

Is it too much to ask that a Christian woman value her religion enough to follow it on those points? Is it too much to ask that a Christian that you date value your obedience to the Christian faith yourself, and value what you consider to be positive life choices?

His standard for wanting a Christian wife is reasonable - the problem lies in what he seeks in a Christian wife and his attitude toward "Christian ladies."

 

[Sketcher]

His standard for wanting a Christian wife is reasonable - the problem lies in what he seeks in a Christian wife and his attitude toward "Christian ladies."

I can see how a cynical attitude towards women who profess Christianity (or women in general) can be a problem, but what is it that he seeks in a Christian wife that is problematic?

 

[Neve]

I can see how a cynical attitude towards women who profess Christianity (or women in general) can be a problem, but what is it that he seeks in a Christian wife that is problematic?

I think you just answered your own question...his cynical attitude that he's settling for a "Mary Madgalene" is the problem. His Virgin Mary standards are unreasonable and I would bet his attitude toward "un-pure women" shines through in his interaction with females.

 

[Sketcher]

I think you just answered your own question...his cynical attitude that he's settling for a "Mary Madgalene" is the problem. His Virgin Mary standards are unreasonable and I would bet his attitude toward "un-pure women" shines through in his interaction with females.

So you have a problem with men wanting Christian women who value their Christian faith enough to obey the Christian faith in terms of saving sex for marriage? This is somehow unreasonable to you?

 

[redblue22]

In the same line of reasoning, one could say he feels unreasonably entitled and deserving of a Christian wife.

 

[Messy]

So you have a problem with men wanting Christian women who value their Christian faith enough to obey the Christian faith in terms of saving sex for marriage? This is somehow unreasonable to you?

It's not unreasonable to want a virgin, but it is unreasonable to think they're all still virgin at that age and Judge if they're not, because not every christian is raised as a christian and if they lived in the world they lived together and such and if God says: That's him or her and you're like: eeek, don't want that, filthy, He did it away, so they're good enough for Him to marry, a virgin without spot or wrinkle betrothed to one Husband.

 

[Sketcher]

It's not unreasonable to want a virgin, but it is unreasonable to think they're all still virgin at that age and Judge if they're not, because not every christian is raised as a christian and if they lived in the world they lived together and such and if God says: That's him or her and you're like: eeek, don't want that, filthy, He did it away, so they're good enough for Him to marry, a virgin without spot or wrinkle betrothed to one Husband.

OK, let's break this down:

It's not unreasonable to want a virgin, but it is unreasonable to think they're all still virgin at that age

Would going for someone fresh out of high school be more reasonable to you?

it is unreasonable to think they're all still virgin at that age and Judge if they're not

If someone willingly fornicates, is it not that person's fault? If someone is unrepentant about that sin, is it not reasonable to judge that person? OP seems to be more concerned about women who profess the Christian faith who aren't obedient to the commands for sexual purity now, and who do not value his choice to be obedient to them himself.

it is unreasonable to . . . Judge if they're not, because not every christian is raised as a christian and if they lived in the world they lived together and such

Would it then be reasonable to judge people who were raised in the church and fornicated anyway?

if God says: That's him or her and you're like: eeek, don't want that, filthy, He did it away, so they're good enough for Him to marry, a virgin without spot or wrinkle betrothed to one Husband.

God did away with the sin record, yes. Being "a virgin, without spot or wrinkle betrothed to one Husband" refers to sanctification (Eph 5:25-26), which is different from forgiveness and salvation. Sanctification is a washing/purification process by which the sinful habits we have that Christ forgave us for are removed from our lives. When considering someone for marriage material, the status of the sin record is not enough to go by. The other person needs to be sanctified enough to the point where he or she would make a good spouse. Do you have a reliable way to tell if people have sexual rebellion sanctified out of them or not? Also, sex consists of the two becoming one flesh. Do you have a reliable way to tell if someone truly is no longer one flesh with a previous partner or not? God's forgiveness doesn't do those two things, it merely cleans the person's sin record with God (which itself is awesome).

 

[r0keye]

God did away with the sin record, yes. Being "a virgin, without spot or wrinkle betrothed to one Husband" refers to sanctification (Eph 5:25-26), which is different from forgiveness and salvation. Sanctification is a washing/purification process by which the sinful habits we have that Christ forgave us for are removed from our lives.

When considering someone for marriage material, the status of the sin record is not enough to go by. The other person needs to be sanctified enough to the point where he or she would make a good spouse. Do you have a reliable way to tell if people have sexual rebellion sanctified out of them or not?

As a PK who lived in sexual rebellion for nearly 17 years after 'making a decision for Christ' at age 10, I fully concur with this.

You will know them by their fruit

Virginity is somewhat measure of commitment to purity, but a caveat from my former lifestyle - some women are 'technically' virgins by measure of a 'hymen'; however they are sexually active in other ways.

 

[Tess]

Just gonna then in my two cents - generally speaking Christians get way too hung up on virginity.

Is it important, and is it something we should aspire to? Yes. But is it the be all and end all? No. It's just another sin, and you don't often see people saying 'oh I only want a husband who has never lied' (or whatever)

Having said all that, if virginity is what someone feels they're looking for in a partner then that's up to them.

 

[ReesePiece23]

Virginity in someone is not something I look for, nor care about. And if you stop to ask them, then that's not only rude, but it's also weird.

And who's to say they're telling the truth anyway? The stigma that's attached to non-virgins within the Christian community is ridiculous. And vice versa, the stigma that's attached to virgins in society is ridiculous too.

We're meant to be embracing people, so why should that change when you meet someone who could be husband/wife material? I've had two different friends pray for the 'sins' of my past before, and I found it rather insulting. Hence why I don't tend to bother saying anything either way now, because it just doesn't impact my life - hell! I'm not even the same person now since finding my faith.

 

[Jesusisgood]

I think being pure until marriage is a very lovely and honorable trait in a guy and is one of my top things I find in a guy. don't let other people make you feel bad about something that both glorifies God and is special for only your future wife. Most people who make fun of virgins are just jealous that they sadly aren't anymore. As far as being shy or not being like other guys that woo girls don't let that bother you either. Different women like different men and I USED to like guys that would be funny and outgoing until I was just "another girl" to them and never got asked out by those overly flirtatious guys. So now Im into Christian guys that are more shy and if they compliment me they genuinely mean it.I know how hard it can be waiting for someone to be married to but don't lose hope. Yesterday a friend of mine reminded me that God is spending time with me right now so I will get to know HIm first and maybe the same is for my future spouse. just trust in His timing"

 

[redblue22]

I don't see the line crossed from "I want" to "I deserve."

Chip seems disappointed that other Christians do not share his values or behavior.

.

 

[Messy]

OK, let's break this down:


Would going for someone fresh out of high school be more reasonable to you?

If someone willingly fornicates, is it not that person's fault? If someone is unrepentant about that sin, is it not reasonable to judge that person? OP seems to be more concerned about women who profess the Christian faith who aren't obedient to the commands for sexual purity now, and who do not value his choice to be obedient to them himself.

Would it then be reasonable to judge people who were raised in the church and fornicated anyway?

God did away with the sin record, yes. Being "a virgin, without spot or wrinkle betrothed to one Husband" refers to sanctification (Eph 5:25-26), which is different from forgiveness and salvation. Sanctification is a washing/purification process by which the sinful habits we have that Christ forgave us for are removed from our lives. When considering someone for marriage material, the status of the sin record is not enough to go by. The other person needs to be sanctified enough to the point where he or she would make a good spouse. Do you have a reliable way to tell if people have sexual rebellion sanctified out of them or not? Also, sex consists of the two becoming one flesh. Do you have a reliable way to tell if someone truly is no longer one flesh with a previous partner or not? God's forgiveness doesn't do those two things, it merely cleans the person's sin record with God (which itself is awesome).

Well I used to be extremely judgemental when I was a virgin. Lol I didn't even want someone who kissed another girl and then I met my ex, he was just saved and had been living together when he wasn't saved. God told me to not be so judgemental because He had done his sins away. He did need prayer and counselling to break soul ties and break uncleanness yes.
You shouldn't judge anyone.
Of course if someone is unrepentant, that's a no go, but with not judging I mean you can still pray for them.

 

[Sketcher]

Well I used to be extremely judgemental when I was a virgin. Lol I didn't even want someone who kissed another girl and then I met my ex

No need to project that onto me. I have never been so delusional as to insist on being my first girlfriend's first kiss, so while it sounds like you did have a problem, your sense of jealousy was more severe than mine.

He did need prayer and counselling to break soul ties and break uncleanness yes.

How do you know those were really broken? I can pray for a blind friend to see, and if he sees, then I have good reason to believe God answered my prayer with a "yes." If he doesn't, then I know God hasn't said "yes" yet. Point being, I can know the results of that prayer pretty easily. Do you have a reliable way of knowing that God went and broke his soul ties and actually healed him rather than just wiping his record clean and leaving him one flesh with however many women he'd been with?

You shouldn't judge anyone.
Of course if someone is unrepentant, that's a no go, but with not judging I mean you can still pray for them.

That requires judgment - heck, judgment tells you how you ought to pray for somebody. Judgment doesn't automatically mean condemnation.

 

[redblue22]

Chips, where did you come by so many negative experiences without having a history of dating?

 

[Shattered-Reflections]

"I have yet to see any Christian lady broke up with their BF due to them being a non-believer. "

Well let me comfort you by saying I am then I guess the first lady to prove you wrong on this. Yup. Left a past boyfriend before because I realized I couldn't deal with him being non-Christian and constantly bashing my beliefs. I also didn't see how we could sustain a family someday with clashing views.

I just wanted to second this. I've had chances to date guys before, most of them were not Christian. I have no interest in dating a guy who is not a Christian, moreover I have no interest in dating an immature Christian. It's probably part of the complex equation of why I'm single. I don't care if I never marry or don't marry until I'm 60 like my great aunt, I won't be marrying someone that isn't walking the same path as me. I won't be with someone who will tear me down rather than help build me up. I've had enough headache and heartache in life.

I also wanted to add, "wooing" isn't necessary as long as you're honest and proactive in relationships and treat people as human beings. The term wooing frankly makes my skin crawl, it reeks of something sub-human. I try to be fair in discernment, but generally charisma is an unattractive quality to me because I find it goes hand-in-hand with deception. Stability, integrity, honesty, wisdom, health, maturity, joyfulness... these are things that are attractive to me. Moreover a guy who knows as much if not more Biblical information than me is extremely attractive (and frankly impressive as I rarely find people like that), but that only stays attractive if it comes with humility, mercy, forgiveness, gentleness, and love. "Knowledge puffs up while love builds up".

But there are life skills that are important to have outside of text book and biblical knowledge. There are non church related activities, hobbies, interests, careers, events that are worth time and discussion. It's not that these outside things are "secular", all good things belong to the Lord. God is the author of goodness, flora and fauna, beauty, order, taste, star light, laughter, and pleasure. People may distort these things, but they aren't ungodly or lesser. Would God have spent so much of time and energy and details on "non spiritual" things if they weren't good and worthwhile to Him? If it wasn't good for us? Isn't the good things in creation, just extensions and reflections of the God we know? God redemption is for all of creation, not just human souls. When His kingdom comes, He's taking back everything that is His. So whether it's gardening, baseball, art, cooking, or science, it's all an extension of God's image in us. Even if you find baseball boring like I do

Humor is an important life skill. Life is too sad not to laugh when given the chance. I say that as a very serious person, as a stress prone person, I say that because I need to lighten up more than most. So to me it is important to have a partner who can laugh and I can joke with because it's necessary for a healthy life, a balanced life. But I don't care if he's smooth with the ladies, in fact I prefer it if he wasn't smooth!

Even if one might argue "humor" is secular and not important, joy and hope is the fruit of the Spirit.

Being good at dating doesn't mean one is good at a life long commitments, weathering hardships, and being content and making the best in daily toil and boring days. Look to be good at life, not dating.

 

[Messy]

Chips, where did you come by so many negative experiences without having a history of dating?

That's what you get when you go to a dating site.

 

[sundewgrower]

That's what you get when you go to a dating site.

Online dating is very very degrading. I tried it again for a few minutes (unlike the hours I placed last year) and wanted to barf. That's a very poor representation of what's out there unless you're after people who want to move elsewhere or so forth. It CAN be good, but I think it's either a fluke, a big city, or distance in another country.