I am feeling very discouraged. Need help.

[Shattered-Reflections]

Here is my discouragement (with dating): I feel that I have to work so hard just to get myself to the average wooing level, to get the attention of the ladies. Then I have to pick only the Christian ladies who probably do not even care if I am a Christian and if I am a virgin. And after all of that I still have a 30-40% chance of divorce.

...

Brother, those are just averages. Divorce happens for a reason, there are factors, and choices are made. It's not random chance. It's not a dart thrown in the dark. It's not that any couple no matter their situation or support system will have the same chances of divorce.

Unless you can know these women before you date them, you're going to find you don't have the same values. That's logical. So by default, you're going to have to meet and date a lot of people before you find someone who's compatible.

That's not to say I don't share and understand your frustrations. I don't see any real chances or possibilities out there for me right now, but my faith and hope isn't in marriage or a husband. I've made that mistake once of putting everything into marriage and preparing for it. Trying to control the outcomes of my future with doing everything right and following advice and being a good christian. And I've done a lot of different things to try to deal with those doubts and desires after it fell through because men are dogs and no one is left who cares. Right now, I'm taking responsibility for myself and living my life for myself. Not that I'm closed off to marriage, but that I'm changing my framework.

I can't help but think, that if "all" the women you've dated or known are like as you describe... you probably pick your friend and dates poorly without realizing it. Part of the problem might be that you don't hang around the right people or/and maybe you need to take an honest and open look at yourself and see what may be wrong with how you deal with relationships. Not the riches, the wooing, the chrisma, I think those are red herrings. I'm talking about something fundamental to how you see yourself and how you interact. How you communicate, what role you put yourself in. Why and who you pick to be as friends.

It just feels so discouraging because the stuff that I value the most (my relationship with Christ, my virginity) does not do anything for my sisters in Christ. The Christian ladies would always pick a non-Christian guy that's more compatible. I can learn about how to be a Christian husband all I want. But no Christian lady cares. I was not gifted with the gift of wooing, nor was I gifted with the riches of the world, so the ladies never even appreciate the faith side of me.

Chips, I say this in love. It sounds like to me your hiding behind your faith, virginity, and intelligence for your sense of worth, because underneath you don't feel adequate or wanted. You know you don't live up to the expectations of others; you've been rejected for not meeting their criteria. I know others are saying you sound high and mighty, but I get the feeling you don't feel that way. Maybe you are being overly judgmental, but I'm not convinced it's because you think you're better or a gift... but because you're afraid of a painful future or the lack of a happy one. You're trying to keep it together, but you're falling apart. Chances are, it's not a lack of chrisma or wealth that's the issue. If you're having a lot of failures in relationships, it may be because of something else.

You may want to take a look at codependency.

If the Christian ladies do not care if I am a Christian and I am a virgin, what is the point of keeping it? There is a voice in my head keep telling me "Just do as God commended until you are 35 years old, and then do whatever you want. Date non-Christians and do whatever secular dating does." Now I know where this voice comes from. It isn't Jesus, but the Evil One. I know for a fact that going secular will not help me. Going secular will not help me woo the ladies better. And secular marriages gets divorced left right center. But the voice keep telling me "You never tried. How would you know?"

The Evil One has tried to set a time-limit on me before. When I was around 26 the voice said "Just obey God until you are 30". I got to 30 and I decided to be faithful. But now I am 32. I am not sure if I am able to resist the next time-limit.

I made the mistake of thinking purity is for marriage and my husband, it's not, it's for me. It's for me not in the context or marriage or sex or pleasure, it's for me in the context of spirituality and my relationship with God. I even made the mistake of thinking appearances (health wise) is for men, it's not, it's for me and my health. Even if I were to do good it's not for people, it's for me and my God. You can't live your life for other people or through other people, because when those people never show up or fail you or use you -- you'll just give up or go crazy. So how you live, what you do... should be for you. If virginity is important to you, it can't be because of other fallible people. It has to be because that's what you want, because that's the higher standard you want to hold yourself to, or because you love God. If your actions and behavior are dependent on others, you're going to find yourself out of control and miserable and angry.

 

[High Fidelity]

I'm not advocating missionary dating. I am not saying you should in any way try to hide or separate your faith.

What I am saying is not to view your faith or virginity as huge factors that will be positive in dating situations.

I used to agree on the faith part but now I couldn't disagree more.

Faith is probably one of the major things you should be at least theologically similar with, in my opinion.

 

[CCHIPSS]

1. What are your 3 tests for women?

2. If women are what you describe, why do you want one so bad?

.

1) Average looks and body (All my friends, male and female, told me my standards are fairly low. So I think I am not asking for too much here. Just don't be 200 pounds haha.

2) Say they are Christian (I do not require someone who is very knowledgeable. I can always tell her about God if she is willing to listen.)

3) Can connect with me (While I do a lot of self-improvement, I am what I am. I need a lady who can connect with me.)

4) Have a job (Does not have to be super high paying or anything. But I want a lady who have a reasonable career plan. Just don't be jobless and be perfectly ok with it.)

As for your second question, look above and I think you will agree that my standards and requirements are very fair. In fact I think they are slightly below average. But even then I find it so hard to fine a lady.

 

[CCHIPSS]

Last sunday I heard that God has someone for everyone. There's one who appreciates it, who cares about the others?

When it comes to love, I do not believe in pre-destination. I believe that love is a free choice and free will everyday.

I believe this because God does not even force anyone to love God himself. Jesus loves everyone and died for everyone. But hey if someone refuse to love God, Jesus is not going to force anyone to love him.

So I do pray a lot about my future relationship. However I believe that a lady have to choose to love me, and I choose to love her. And even after marriage we must choose to stay in love every single day. God will not force love to happen because forced love is not real. That's robotic love.

 

[Messy]

When it comes to love, I do not believe in pre-destination. I believe that love is a free choice and free will everyday.

I believe this because God does not even force anyone to love God himself. Jesus loves everyone and died for everyone. But hey if someone refuse to love God, Jesus is not going to force anyone to love him.

So I do pray a lot about my future relationship. However I believe that a lady have to choose to love me, and I choose to love her. And even after marriage we must choose to stay in love every single day. God will not force love to happen because forced love is not real. That's robotic love.

Yes I believe that too, but still I think except when He says no He has someone. If you ask Him to give you someone He knows the hearts and if someone likes you. He had someone for Isaak, but I don't know if it was such a terrific marriage where your wife sets your son up to deceive you.. It's not a guarantee for letting things go and still have a tremendous Hollywood one big honeymoon marriage.

 

[CCHIPSS]

I've noticed fourth things in this post, and your previous ones. First, I think you focus too much on the negatives in life. A lot of your posts are about things like the divorce rate, moral decline, etc. I don't know if you talk about that as much IRL, but no one really enjoys being around people that only talk about negative things like that. It's not pleasant, there's things to be enjoyed to in this life. You seem to focus too much on the bad side of life. I'll also add I completely agree with Fortran, divorces don't just happen. They usually come from a seed planted and grown over a period of time. Even with the cases of adultery, it never just happens.

Secondly, I admire your commitment and passion for your beliefs, but there's more to life than that. I love to discuss theology, but I'm not going to ask a girl on a first date about her eschatological viewpoint or share the testimony of her faith. It's just not appropriate because I don't know how personal that information is to her. That has nothing to do with the level or maturity of one's faith, but just social norms. You seem love serious discussion, and so do I, but I've also been in VERY unconformable situations by getting too deep with people I don't know.

Thirdly, and I've touched on this before with you, but I think your standards are too high. The cliche phrase "it's not you, it's me" is incredibly true, just not for why everyone thinks it is. Every human on the planet as deal breakers, and that's fine, but it's not good to have a list specific requirements they must meet or I'm not going to date them. It's not that I think you have too many requirements, but the requirements you do seem to have are incredibly difficult to meet. Every Christian in the world looks for "secular" requirements for a spouse because we're human. Every Christian in the world likes to talk about thinks that is not their faith because we're human and have other interests. It's almost like you want someone who is not human.

I think Chris and Reese a point, it may just be hindsight bias, but you do seem to come off a bit as "God's gift to the world". You come across that way because you seem to think that because you say you are a "serious Christian" and have broken down life into statistics and formulas. The problem with that is 1) Life doesn't work that way and 2) It's kind of annoying. Like the first, people really don't like to be around "high and mighty" people.

I'll finish with this, if I didn't care about you as a brother in Christ, I would not have said any of that.

1) Yes I do focus a lot on the negatives in life. It was a bad habit I picked up growing up. I am not going to get into the details.

And yes I am kind of like that IRL too. I tend to complain too much. Now I do not complain none stop. But I do it more than normal people.

Now I do know that there are great things going on in my life already. I have a great family and friends. I have some interesting and healthy hobbies (I biked to church every sunny Sunday, for example). I have a decent job with decent pay. My coworkers are nice. etc etc.

I by default puts way to much time thinking about the negative things. I know I have this problem from before. And yes I am trying to stop it. But there is no one day fix. I find it hard to change from a negative person to a positive person. This is sad because as Christians we should have more hope than anyone else. However I have a hard time doing that, and this makes me guilty sometimes.

2) I do tend to lean toward serious discussions. I love politics, theology, religion, news, etc etc. However I am very bad at wooing.

I have seen my friends making jokes out of thin air. I have a hard time doing that.

And like you said girls wants to be wooed and have fun. I tend to get serious and dark too quickly. Most girls I picked actually like to discuss the serious stuff too. However I guess I am the extreme case. I actually gets serious and dark when I talk about these stuff, which probably scares many girls away. Other people can make a joke and funny remarks out of serious and dark situations and things. I wish I can be like them.

I guess I have to actively stop myself from going to those serious and dark topic. Instead focus on the lighthearted, happy topics which are easier to joke about and woo.

3) I actually love talking about other people's interest. Hobbies, movies, music, etc. However it is a problem when the Christian lady tries to switch topic as soon as I mention God. I guess God is something that I am quite excited about. However the Christian ladies doesn't seem to care as much.

Yes perhaps I should not talk about God as much. It is hard because I try to relate everything to God and remember God always. Work, school, relationships, traffic, food. Anything can be related to God. I guess this gets annoying for the ladies. I still think it is important to bring God into the conversation sometimes. However I do not know where to draw the line.

And it isn't wrong to want secular things. I get that. I guess I have this very idealistic idea of dating Christian ladies where they too will prioritize God over earthly things. However from my experience of dating Christian ladies, there is almost zero difference from dating non-believers. Christian ladies switch topic fairly quickly when I mention God. So they are like the same as non-believers. Once again perhaps I am just being too idealistic.

It isn't that I want a non-human lady. I guess I just have to become more human myself. More secular. Talk with people and see what they want to talk about.

4) I actually don't feel I am being high and mighty, better than anyone else. I know I have plenty of flaws. I am actually shy and in-confident sometimes.

I guess right now I am just very confused about
1) What I am be looking for?
2) What I should be doing to get what I am looking for?

And these confusions makes me very discouraged. Whatever I am doing and trying isn't working right now.

Anyways thanks a lot for your thoughtful reply! It gave me a lot of things to think about.

 

[CCHIPSS]

Just to add.

Do you know how many mistakes I made with my first girlfriend? I did virtually everything that you shouldn't do, yet she still didn't care. She wanted to be with me, and that was that.

I may have made an ass out of myself at times, but because I was grounded, down to earth, and relatively confident, I got away with it. What she saw was what she got. No fig leaves and trying to be something I wasn't, she got ME.

If someone can't embrace you despite your quirks and imperfections, then show them the door. I wouldn't have someone hammer down their ideals onto me. Sod that, I am who I am.

I am not disagreeing with you, but I am 32 and I only had 1 serious relationship so far. And that, while it was great for a while, only lasted 2 months. Something is wrong. Some people are 25 and already been in 2 or 3 serious relationships, with some of them lasting for longer than 2 years.

I too want to find a lady who can accept me just as I am, without and changes. However she might not exist. Now I am not trying to be perfect or anything. However if I can improve myself to increases my chances, I should be all over it.

 

[CCHIPSS]

Idk why you're so preoccupied with your chances of divorce. You're still yet to meet someone, you're still yet to get married but you're already calculating your chance of divorce. Of what good is that to you?

If you're meeting women whose requirements are about worldly things and your values differ from the start, then those're clues that it's probably not going to work out. I once asked my ex if he and I could read the Bible together and he acted like he didn't hear me. As for your virginity, it should be a personal choice and something you're doing for yourself. My ex cheated on me because I wasn't willing to have sex (I had informed him right from the beginning we started dating and he said it was fine with him) and the two guys who acted like they showed interest in me long after I broke up with my ex, once I told them I'm waiting they disappeared. One of them told me he hadn't met a girl my age (27) who's still waiting and it's a good thing, blah blah blah, then asked me if I was willing to do anything else, I told him NO, then he stopped contacting me. Despite all these one would think I would've given up my virginity by now but I'm now even more stubborn that I will wait. Not that there was a ever a doubt in my mind about it before but my certainty has grown even stronger despite the fact that it seems to turn off men. You asked what's the point of keeping it if Christian ladies don't care if you're a virgin. Well, your decision should have nothing to do with their opinion. It should be something you're doing for yourself, not because you want to receive praise from any woman. For me, I don't care what anyone thinks, whether good or bad; it's a choice I'm upholding for myself and if a man's not happy with it, then he can keep it moving. That you are still waiting at 35 is a good thing, but don't get carried away with people's opinions about it, to the extent of wanting to lose it or getting discouraged because they do not approve. Stop seeking people's approval when it comes to your personal decisions and beliefs.

Sense of humour is important, but don't worry about it if you aren't naturally funny. I'm sure when you meet the right person she would find little things about you that are cute or funny. Just be yourself.

That's a good way to see it. I am keeping my virginity for myself because God asked me to. Stop seeking other people's approval and instead seek God's approval.

I got to ask you this because you are probably the best person to answer: Do you care if your boyfriend is a virgin or not? Do you care if your boyfriend is a Christian or not?

Looking at the history you posted it seems none of your ex's are virgins. In fact they are "so sex hungry" that they either cheated on you or gave up on you just because you refused sex. Their sex appetite cannot be controlled. They are some pretty bad people in that regard. Were they Christians?

I ask you this because I often question this about myself: Am I keeping my virginity because I "thought" it would impress the Christian ladies? Or am I keeping it because God ask me to? And if I find out that the Christian ladies do not care, will I be more willing to give it up? I honestly do not know the answer to this question right now.

 

[CCHIPSS]

Yeah, being a virgin isn't some positive dating trait, even if the women are Christian, because chances are high that they themselves are not virgins.

Ever see the movie "The 40 year old Virgin"? Yeah, it's not something to brag about.

I prefer a virgin lady to marry. However I know they are very hard to find so I gave up. I choose to forgive and accept non-virgins. I do require that they be a Christian. So I know my preference but I choose to give up on my preference.

I sometimes do wonder if the virgin Christian ladies prefer virgin or non-virgin guys. Virgins guys are more pure but they are "unproven". As for non-virgin guys, at least they know that they are experienced and can do it. Maybe the virgin Christian ladies are very afraid that her future husband "cannot perform". Then she would have waited all these years for a dude that can never satisfy her.

Once again the Evil One is speaking to me. Like I said I need help.

 

[CCHIPSS]

I don't really know you, but from what I just read you seem like a fairly impersonal person. Like I could know you, but I couldn't know you. I don't mean to sound mean or anything, but I think girls who know you may have a hard time relating to you.

I am a ENTP and so I tend to think a lot. I love breaking everything down, grabbing all the little details and coming up with my own conclusion. So I often have very unique insights into many issues and problems.

But I agree that not every lady can analysis at my level. They would ask maybe 1 or 2 questions for me to clarify. When they realize they cannot follow they just give up and change topic.

I am not trying to be proud or anything here. This is not something to be proud about. I think being too clear and too smart is actually a curse when it comes to relationships. When a lady cannot relate to me, she will not consider me a potential mate.

And if we read the bible, we clearly see that being smart is often a very bad thing. Often times the smartest people makes the dumbest decisions. It is often better to be like a child and have child-like faith toward God. I wish God can make use of my wisdom in a positive way, for both myself and people around me. But right now my wisdom is harming me more than building me up.

 

[Messy]

I prefer a virgin lady to marry. However I know they are very hard to find so I gave up. I choose to forgive and accept non-virgins. I do require that they be a Christian. So I know my preference but I choose to give up on my preference.

I sometimes do wonder if the virgin Christian ladies prefer virgin or non-virgin guys. Virgins guys are more pure but they are "unproven". As for non-virgin guys, at least they know that they are experienced and can do it. Maybe the virgin Christian ladies are very afraid that her future husband "cannot perform". Then she would have waited all these years for a dude that can never satisfy her.

Once again the Evil One is speaking to me. Like I said I need help.

I don't think that's how most virgins think. The non virgins who had some relationships can think like that.
But when I was a virgin I wanted a virgin and I thought I shouldn't be so judgemental, but I would have preferred it. Once heard a couple speak in church, that was for youth about sex, and she said she saved herself and felt like: Why didn't you do that for me?

 

[sundewgrower]

Hmm I was hit with a lack of self (in general and I'd bleed into other things.) confidence and I guess that thought has floated up before. I just realize that it'll be what it can, that it can always improve so they say, and that it's really not a good thing to think about.
Personally, I've just found it hard to keep everything set (I'd love to forget about everything then remember when needed ahahaha) where it should mentally since you're biologically wired a certain way, and without God I know I'd be toast but with him it's still a feat.
In the end you've just gotta realize that it is what it is. You can work around many problems whatever they may be, and shouldn't worry since it's not what we should do.

 

[redblue22]

I would like to apologize for my previous comments. I was blaming you when I should have listened.

I think you have decent standards. And it is a good thing to be a virgin.

You are right, sometimes the world really is dark. You described that darkness and I have seen it too. It is not your fault. Sometimes it is hard to see any light.

.

 

[Neve]

I think the OP - CCHIPS - is overthinking everything with all these "tests". I would love to tell you the world is black and white, cut and dry, that you will meet a nice virgin Christian lady if you live a godly lifestyle and then your sex life will be fabulous and you will be the breadwinner, and have two perfect kids and the whole lot.....but LIFE isn't predictable like that.

I feel like you need to break the mentality of judgment and frankly entitlement that you have and open your mind to the path of unpredictability that God puts in our lives. I'm not telling you to eliminate your standards, but seriously question how you got to the standards you currently and most concretely have in place.

 

[RobertMerton]

I'm sorry to hear of your discouragement, and sorry to read some of these posts.

Although they're not exactly untrue, they are more likely to get you down.

But chin up mate.

 

[redblue22]

I think the OP - CCHIPS - is overthinking everything with all these "tests". I would love to tell you the world is black and white, cut and dry, that you will meet a nice virgin Christian lady if you live a godly lifestyle and then your sex life will be fabulous and you will be the breadwinner, and have two perfect kids and the whole lot.....but LIFE isn't predictable like that.

I feel like you need to break the mentality of judgment and frankly entitlement that you have and open your mind to the path of unpredictability that God puts in our lives. I'm not telling you to eliminate your standards, but seriously question how you got to the standards you currently and most concretely have in place.

Where did you come up with this? The "tests" are what girls put him through. I see no sense of entitlement. Where did you get that? What is over the line in the standards he has set?

 

[blackribbon]

You simply haven't met the right person yet.

Online sites attract a limited type of personality. Many Christian ladies don't use them.

Women who date non-Christians are saying up front, that they don't mind marrying a non-Christian. We are not to date someone to save them.

Divorce is a choice. You need to choose to divorce-proof your marriage from day one...and then it is still the choice of two people so pick someone who doesn't consider it an option either.

I don't think we really tend to find that someone when that is the focus of our activity. It becomes an interview process then...do you meet my expectations and do I meet yours instead of just getting to become friends and learning each other in more of an "as is" friendship that grows into something that you realize that you don't want to spend your life and not be together.

 

[EndlessSerenade]

"I have yet to see any Christian lady broke up with their BF due to them being a non-believer. "

Well let me comfort you by saying I am then I guess the first lady to prove you wrong on this. Yup. Left a past boyfriend before because I realized I couldn't deal with him being non-Christian and constantly bashing my beliefs. I also didn't see how we could sustain a family someday with clashing views.

I'm sorry you've been experiencing bad luck when it comes to dating but you have to realize that not all women out there are like the few mere ones you've had experience with. Knowing a few women and going through a few experiences doesn't mean you have our entire gender figured out. Nevermind Christian women. I feel slightly offended that you think all of us would somehow fit into the description you give. Saying "In fact being a serious Christian guy can be a turn off for them" or " But no Christian lady cares. " is very hurtful towards me and other Christian ladies who are not like the ones you have experienced. If I pick up the idea that a guy thinks he's got me all figured out before taking the time to know me then I'd be out of there pretty fast. I don't like people making assumptions about me just because I'm female and a Christian. People are individuals. I think this is your problem. You go into the dating world with all these tests and ideas that really only apply to a few.

Nevertheless you say you need hope and prayers. I'll pray for you.

 

[Tess]

I'll just join in and say I agree with EndlessSerenade - I broke up with my boyfriend largely due to him being an atheist. I thought maybe I could deal with it and make it work but I realised I was wrong.

I'm not sure what else to say, except that one day you'll meet a wonderful lady who loves you and cherishes everything about you. Things work out in the end, have faith.

Delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. ~ Psalm 37:4

 

[Neve]

Where did you come up with this? The "tests" are what girls put him through. I see no sense of entitlement. Where did you get that? What is over the line in the standards he has set?

I highlighted and underlined the passages demonstrating his judgmental attitude and sense of entitlement:

Here is my discouragement (with dating): I feel that I have to work so hard just to get myself to the average wooing level, to get the attention of the ladies. Then I have to pick only the Christian ladies who probably do not even care if I am a Christian and if I am a virgin. And after all of that I still have a 30-40% chance of divorce.


I do have dating problems. I do not know how to really make the ladies laugh. I am much better at it than before due to practice and reading. However there are tons of other guys out there who are more naturally gifted at wooing the ladies than me.

TBH it does get pretty discouraging. I say this because there are plenty of "smooth talkers" that are very confident and have no problem getting dates and the ladies. However even they have a 30-40% chance of getting divorced. If even they have such a "small" chance of keeping a relationship going, what are my chances?

I broke up with my EX, first ever girlfriend who I met online 6 months ago, about 4 months ago. Since then I have casually dated 2 Christian ladies. Both of which told me fairly quickly (within 2 weeks) that they are no longer interested. I met both of them online.

I am a virgin. However I don't believe that many Christian ladies really care about it. It is like a very late afterthought. Here are the 3 tests they seem to use:

Test 1: The lady will first see if you meet all their requirements. That includes money, house, independent, funniness, etc. That the secular stuff that includes everything but Jesus and the bible.

They also tend to take you to their friends and family pretty quickly. I am not sure why but I guess family and friends are huge for the Christian ladies. They want everyone to see you and for them to give her their opinion about you. So you are not just being judged by her. You are being judged by all her friends and family.

Test 2: And then they ask if you are a Christian. If not, they will think about it for a few weeks. If you are such an awesome guy, in their mind, they will let it go slide. There has been stories where a Christian lady would reject a guy because he doesn't believe. But when I ask her for the details it is obvious that he wasn't what she was looking for in the secular world, and she used Jesus as an excuse to reject him.

I have yet to see any Christian lady broke up with their BF due to them being a non-believer. They just keep telling me "I wish my BF will become a Christian one day. I keep praying for my BF everyday but Jesus isn't answering!" Now it is very clear in my head what I wanted to tell them. But I cannot tell them for obvious reasons.

In fact being a serious Christian guy can be a turn off for them. One lady told me "Hey I know you know a lot about the bible. But can you leave that for Sundays and small groups? Let's talk about something else. The bible is too serious right now."

Test 3: Then the ladies will ask if you are a virgin. If not, they will think about it for 5 minutes. They probably don't care because they are not a virgin themselves. In fact they might start worrying if you can even perform in bed.

If you happen to find a Christian lady who is a virgin, she probably didn't expect to find a virgin guy. So in a way yes you beat her expectation. However as long as you do not ask her for sinful acts, you being a virgin or not is still the last of her worries. That means it is ok for you to be a non-virgin, as long as you do not ask her for sin. Test 1 and 2 will come first. In fact Test 1 will take up 90% of her efforts. So Test 2 and Test 3 can pretty much be a write off.

It just feels so discouraging because the stuff that I value the most (my relationship with Christ, my virginity) does not do anything for my sisters in Christ. The Christian ladies would always pick a non-Christian guy that's more compatible. I can learn about how to be a Christian husband all I want. But no Christian lady cares. I was not gifted with the gift of wooing, nor was I gifted with the riches of the world, so the ladies never even appreciate the faith side of me.

If the Christian ladies do not care if I am a Christian and I am a virgin, what is the point of keeping it? There is a voice in my head keep telling me "Just do as God commended until you are 35 years old, and then do whatever you want. Date non-Christians and do whatever secular dating does." Now I know where this voice comes from. It isn't Jesus, but the Evil One. I know for a fact that going secular will not help me. Going secular will not help me woo the ladies better. And secular marriages gets divorced left right center. But the voice keep telling me "You never tried. How would you know?"

The Evil One has tried to set a time-limit on me before. When I was around 26 the voice said "Just obey God until you are 30". I got to 30 and I decided to be faithful. But now I am 32. I am not sure if I am able to resist the next time-limit.

I know that many people would hide these kinds of thoughts, telling no one until it is way too late. But I decided to be open about it now. I want to turn myself around. I might even tell my small group and other Christian friends if I get closer to 35 and I feel myself seriously slipping away.