Shattered-Reflections
Saved by Grace
Here is my discouragement (with dating): I feel that I have to work so hard just to get myself to the average wooing level, to get the attention of the ladies. Then I have to pick only the Christian ladies who probably do not even care if I am a Christian and if I am a virgin. And after all of that I still have a 30-40% chance of divorce.
...
Brother, those are just averages. Divorce happens for a reason, there are factors, and choices are made. It's not random chance. It's not a dart thrown in the dark. It's not that any couple no matter their situation or support system will have the same chances of divorce.
Unless you can know these women before you date them, you're going to find you don't have the same values. That's logical. So by default, you're going to have to meet and date a lot of people before you find someone who's compatible.
That's not to say I don't share and understand your frustrations. I don't see any real chances or possibilities out there for me right now, but my faith and hope isn't in marriage or a husband. I've made that mistake once of putting everything into marriage and preparing for it. Trying to control the outcomes of my future with doing everything right and following advice and being a good christian. And I've done a lot of different things to try to deal with those doubts and desires after it fell through because men are dogs and no one is left who cares. Right now, I'm taking responsibility for myself and living my life for myself. Not that I'm closed off to marriage, but that I'm changing my framework.
I can't help but think, that if "all" the women you've dated or known are like as you describe... you probably pick your friend and dates poorly without realizing it. Part of the problem might be that you don't hang around the right people or/and maybe you need to take an honest and open look at yourself and see what may be wrong with how you deal with relationships. Not the riches, the wooing, the chrisma, I think those are red herrings. I'm talking about something fundamental to how you see yourself and how you interact. How you communicate, what role you put yourself in. Why and who you pick to be as friends.
It just feels so discouraging because the stuff that I value the most (my relationship with Christ, my virginity) does not do anything for my sisters in Christ. The Christian ladies would always pick a non-Christian guy that's more compatible. I can learn about how to be a Christian husband all I want. But no Christian lady cares. I was not gifted with the gift of wooing, nor was I gifted with the riches of the world, so the ladies never even appreciate the faith side of me.
Chips, I say this in love. It sounds like to me your hiding behind your faith, virginity, and intelligence for your sense of worth, because underneath you don't feel adequate or wanted. You know you don't live up to the expectations of others; you've been rejected for not meeting their criteria. I know others are saying you sound high and mighty, but I get the feeling you don't feel that way. Maybe you are being overly judgmental, but I'm not convinced it's because you think you're better or a gift... but because you're afraid of a painful future or the lack of a happy one. You're trying to keep it together, but you're falling apart. Chances are, it's not a lack of chrisma or wealth that's the issue. If you're having a lot of failures in relationships, it may be because of something else.
You may want to take a look at codependency.
If the Christian ladies do not care if I am a Christian and I am a virgin, what is the point of keeping it? There is a voice in my head keep telling me "Just do as God commended until you are 35 years old, and then do whatever you want. Date non-Christians and do whatever secular dating does." Now I know where this voice comes from. It isn't Jesus, but the Evil One. I know for a fact that going secular will not help me. Going secular will not help me woo the ladies better. And secular marriages gets divorced left right center. But the voice keep telling me "You never tried. How would you know?"
The Evil One has tried to set a time-limit on me before. When I was around 26 the voice said "Just obey God until you are 30". I got to 30 and I decided to be faithful. But now I am 32. I am not sure if I am able to resist the next time-limit.
I made the mistake of thinking purity is for marriage and my husband, it's not, it's for me. It's for me not in the context or marriage or sex or pleasure, it's for me in the context of spirituality and my relationship with God. I even made the mistake of thinking appearances (health wise) is for men, it's not, it's for me and my health. Even if I were to do good it's not for people, it's for me and my God. You can't live your life for other people or through other people, because when those people never show up or fail you or use you -- you'll just give up or go crazy. So how you live, what you do... should be for you. If virginity is important to you, it can't be because of other fallible people. It has to be because that's what you want, because that's the higher standard you want to hold yourself to, or because you love God. If your actions and behavior are dependent on others, you're going to find yourself out of control and miserable and angry.
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