I am being stalked, what should I do???

[parsley]

A sexual assault crime, legally, can be as simple as unwanted touching. It is not a crime until it already has happened. A community needs to rally around people who suspect they are about to be attacked.

Most rape victims do not want to report the crime immediately after it happens. Discouraging a person from talking about their concerns reinforces this resistance to reporting criminals.

1 out of every 6 American women has been the victim of an attempted or completed rape in her lifetime (14.8% completed rape; 2.8% attempted rape).1
17.7 million American women have been victims of attempted or completed rape.1

Additionally --

Acquaintance rape is much more prevalent than stranger rape. In a study published by the Department of Justice, 82% of the victims were raped by someone they knew (acquaintance/friend, intimate, relative) and 18% were raped by a stranger.

From a report on Violence Against Women based on data from the National Crime Victimization Survey, Bureau of Justice Statistics, 1995

In the United States, a rape is reported about once every five minutes.

FBI Uniform Crime Report, 2000

Rape is called "the most underreported violent crime in America." In a large national survey of American women, only 16% of the rapes (approximately one out of every six) had ever been reported to the police.

Rape in America: A Report to the Nation, National Victim Center, 1992

Statistics | Rape Treatment Center

If you are unsure about reporting:
Unsure About Reporting | Rape Treatment Center
​

From a site on preventing campus assaults:

The Acquaintance Rapist
Unfortunately, one cannot identify an acquaintance rapist on the basis of his appearance. He could be anyone, from a classmate, a science laboratory partner, a boyfriend, or just the nice guy that lives in the apartment next door.

While acquaintance rapist cannot be identified by their appearance, they do engage in certain behaviors in order to win the confidence and trust of their victims. The primary goal of the acquaintance rapist is to increase the victim's vulnerability. He is highly manipulative ... .

The acquaintance rapists also significantly increase the victim's vulnerability by manipulating her into a situation where she will be alone with him. This can be achieved by being alone with her at her or his residence or in a car.

http://www.aaets.org/article135.htm

​

I know the one in six. We all know the one in six, whether we've asked them or not.

I met many kids in high school who were sexually assaulted, some in junior high. A college friend had to leave school after a traumatic experience at her job, with a weapon involved. Several of my friends were abused by relatives, while growing up. They continued to live with their abusers, and as adults reconciled and included these abusers in family gatherings.

I know men who have been put on the predator list, and they admit they were at fault, or it was during a relationship they considered mutual. These were "normal" men, and still considered normal by the people who already knew them. I know a man who was asked to leave a church youth role, due to impropriety... and at least two local pastors who had self-control issues (one rumored to have committed crimes that were covered up).

Our naivety should not lead people to deny the risks around them. If a person is getting the creeps from someone, they should pay attention to the vibes, and start building up their defense network.

There will always be people innocently accused, and some in prison... but a law officer will not make an arrest before a crime is committed, so there's no risk of a report leading to an unfair arrest.

 

[parsley]

When we are growing up in school or the neighborhood, there are always kids we learn to mistrust. We watch them throw stones at other kids, call them names, put gum on their seats. We learn to stay away, or tell the teacher.

In the privacy of your home, you have no teacher to protect you.

Those instincts and observations are still active, and honed well -- an adult has learned how to judge character, and trust the vibes they sense. The combination of coincidences and uneasy feeling come together to give you caution. It might end up that nothing happens, but that might have been prevented by everyone's prayers for you, or your choices in relating to him.

 

[Angelfrog]

This seems to have gone from the OP giving one single detail about something she's uncomfortable with (rightly/ wrongly/ mistakenly..trolling or truthful...whatever) into bringing rape etc into it all.

Wouldn't it be better to wait for details before making it something it isn't?

No one denies the atrocity of rape, or assault- and I'm speaking as someone who had a very close family member suffer abuse/rape over time, who has worked with several people undergoing assault/ sexual abuse and I have been the victim of an attack myself. But the point was that the OP feels she is being stalked because the guy comes outside at the same time as her.

Some people seem to have been criticised for wanting more details.

Sorry- but that's exactly what we need.

This is an advice forum but no one can give any sort of advice on a matter with so few details. If we say 'It's all in your head'...we may have missed certain important clues that could mean the OP was actually in danger all along.

If we say 'Yeah, the guy's clearly a stalker- maybe abusive, maybe this, maybe that.....call the police!' we could be acting as judge, jury and executioner towards some guy who may be totally oblivious to what the OP is feeling and advising her to do something pretty stupid if it's not true.

We need those details to be able to give any sort of fair, logical advice.

I'm not dismissing the OP as crazy, nor am I saying there's no cause for concern. I can't. I don't have enough to go on.

None of us do yet.

Greatpretender- can you give any more details? Is he coming out of his home at the same time as you EVERY time without fail- some times - only when you're off to work/ weekends/ every day.....some indication would help. Does he ever speak? What does he say? Why do you feel this is deliberate rather than coincidental? In other posts you've previously spoken about an abusive co-worker. Has that made you overly cautious towards certain guys or is this unconnected? Is it a gut feeling- and what do you think has trigered it if it is?

I have to admit that if I was worried about a guy I genuinely thought was stalking me- enough to post about it asking for advice - I sure as heck would be checking back to see what others thought I should do. Granted there could be many reasons (internet suddenly down/ unexpected family emergency, illness etc- I've been ill a lot lately so haven't been up to staring at a computer so I know it's common enough) but I hope we see a response from her soon before starting to bicker and go further away from what the actual issue was in the first place.

 

[Inkachu]

If there's one thing people love to do, it's get melodramatic over nothing.

The OP hasn't returned, and I'll be surprised if we get the further detail we've all been asking for.

 

[Michael Hawk]

I know this sounds weird, but the best action is to out creep a stalker.

Pretend to do a farmers blow, talk about your infected wort on your foot, pick your ear and eat it. Sounds nasty, but it would chase any guy away.

 

[Avniel]

If there's one thing people love to do, it's get melodramatic over nothing.

The OP hasn't returned, and I'll be surprised if we get the further detail we've all been asking for.

This is the reason why I think people need to be taught what real danger signs are and what to actually do when people make accusations against another person. If this were a real person a majority of people would have wrote him off, shunned him and possibly hurt his career and at the end of the day he could have just been a chain smoker.

It's how society has train us to think. We jump to the defense of a woman even dogs but people like Michael Brown and Trayvon Martin........we need to see and find the details.

 

[Messy]

Pray and ask God to protect you and to bless and bring
your neighbor out of sin and into salvation in Christ.

Lol yes, I had such a guy at the office, told him about Jesus. He was very open. I even did that at 11 o'clock in the evening when I was so stupid to go biking in the Wood alone and met a guy who touched me and wanted seks. I said: God is here and he got afraid and I told him about Jesus, lol I said God can heal you from that, but I reckoned this isn't my calling to bring such people to the Lord, let a guy do it and I didn't go biking in the Wood anymore.

 

[melody123]

Greatpretender, you just sound like you are suffering in silence, and that this situation makes you feel out of control. When you tell someone and ask for their support and help, your fears will calm. Don’t ever discount your intuition. I would definitely tell someone, and as many, you trust.

Perhaps what you can do, is get someone whom you have shared with, to be with you ( the landlord would be great) at your place, and observe what happens when you step out of the door, as your neighbour steps out. See what happens when the neighbour sees that there is 2 of you.

You could also try going out with your cell phone, as you walk out the door. Either pretend or have a real (preferable) conversation with one of those that you’ve shared with (maybe make a plan with them that you can call them at these times) . If you see him also walk out, talk in a loud voice and walk as boldly as your can, with your head held up high. You are showing him with your speech and body language that are not intimidated and that you are the kind of woman who would report him if he did anything in a heartbeat. If this helps – A psychologist several years ago, told me that predators always hone in on those who they think won’t say anything. I think underneath these predators are really cowards.

I am not saying this is you, but just something else to consider, since you didn’t give much detail.. ? Please make sure you are dressed with tops and bottoms that are not revealing. Today it just seems like the culture, but when you do, you will attract negative attention. Also, again, this may not be you, but girls who touch are very vulnerable to unwanted attention and sexual assaults. I know a lot of people will disagree with me and I am sure there have been debates, believe it to be true.

Lastly, make sure to take note and write down in as much detail as possible if there are any more new or additional things he does. If it gets to a point where there is no doubt then you have proof or a record of events. Sometimes depending on what happens, the best thing to do is to move to another place. As with someone who is sexually harassed at work, sometimes the best thing to do is to quit and move on..

Above all--- please share your feelings with someone else closer to you as soon as you can. It doesn’t matter whether the guy is really stalking you or not. Don’t forget !

It is most important to maintain your wellbeing mentally and physically, and I think you will know what is best for you.

I am attaching a link to a news story of a woman that took a picture with her phone after a man pinched her bottom. He did not like
[Arial Narrow] [/FONT]

Seattle woman shames suspected groper by blasting photos of his face on Twitter - NY Daily News

 

[redeemedbygrace24]

Do not confront him or his wife. Continue to act normal. Log his activities maybe in a journal and get as much evidence as possible for record. If he tries to talk to you, make a note of his conversations. You may have to start recording him if needed

Pray and cover yourself with the blood of Jesus daily. Seek God and ask Him what He wants you to do in this situation since He knows best

 

[redeemedbygrace24]

It's a spirit working in him against you, a work of the enemy. You may have to go into spiritual warfare against it. His own lusts towards you is driving it

 

[redeemedbygrace24]

Praying for you!

 

[melody123]

Sorry having troubles editing, but I wanted to add to my last post to..
Pray, Pray, Pray! Pray Psalms 91 ! Cannot forget this one !

I agree with you, RedeemedbyGrace, it's all a spiritual battle.

 

[Avniel]

It's a spirit working in him against you, a work of the enemy. You may have to go into spiritual warfare against it. His own lusts towards you is driving it

So let me gets this straight if a man goes outside and he happens to see his neighbor it's lust and a spiritual warfare.


Know ye not that we shall judge angels? how much more things that pertain to this life?


The church validates to much nonsense.

 

[Avniel]

Sorry having troubles editing, but I wanted to add to my last post to..
Pray, Pray, Pray! Pray Psalms 91 ! Cannot forget this one !

I agree with you, RedeemedbyGrace, it's all a spiritual battle.

So coming outside your apartment at the sametime is a spiritual battle that sounds absurd. I tell people constantly American culture doesn't make sense and I exclude myself from it. Nobody in our society cares about men at all. It's evidence in this very thread all a person has to say is a man is coming outside at the same time is proof something demonic is going on?

You know growing up my mother always told me, she basically beat it in my head never be alone with white girls. To this day I have never been in a one on one situation with a white woman not even to study, meet up for coffee after class or even in the library. It's to protect them for all sorts of allegations as grew older I figured the world isn't like that and I'm naive. I'm going to have to teach my son the same thing.

 

[melody123]

Avniel, the Bible tells us many times that our problems are not between man & man or man & woman and etc. but is explained as here ~“ Ephesians 6:12 ~“For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places”. This is the way it started from the Garden of Eden. The war is between satan and God and for our souls. That is why when Jesus died on the cross he said “Father forgive them for they do not know what they do”. When we understand this, it makes forgiveness easier (accountability and consequences for sins/actions still valid) . We are able to separate the person from their sin because we know it is not the person, but the evil, the sin that resides inside.

Only if the man is guilty of *purposely* coming out of his door as this woman is, for whatever reason - it would it be evil. Even if he is just lustful and doesn’t do anything. He is also married. It is the intent of the heart.

Aside from this, if he doesn’t actually break any earthly law, he cannot be accused of anything.

I’m very sorry I didn’t read all of your posts, as there are so many here, but I don’t understand your comment about nobody caring for men. I don’t see any male bashing. Both men and woman can do evil things. Every single human being needs salvation. There is a very scared woman here, who writes that she feels like she is being stalked because of repetitive times she is witnessing suspicious behaviour. It could be serious, and therefore, it cannot be discounted and shoved down as nothing ( even if it is). The same would go for a male if he encountered the same situation. He should be aware. As someone posted earlier, woman are statistically at greater risk for these crimes.

Cheers

 

[Avniel]

Avniel, the Bible tells us many times that our problems are not between man & man or man & woman and etc. but is explained as here ~“ Ephesians 6:12 ~“For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places”. This is the way it started from the very foundations of the world. The war is between satan and God and for our souls. That is why when Jesus died on the cross he said “Father forgive them for they do not know what they do”. When we understand this, it makes forgiveness easier (accountability and consequences for sins/actions still valid) . We are able to separate the person from their sin because we know it is not the person, but the evil, the sin that resides inside.

Only if the man is guilty of *purposely* coming out of his door as this woman is, for whatever reason - it would it be evil. Even if he is just lustful and doesn’t do anything. He is also married. It is the intent of the heart.

Aside from this, if he doesn’t actually break any earthly law, he cannot be accused of anything.

I’m very sorry I didn’t read all of your posts, as there are so many here, but I don’t understand your comment about nobody caring for men. I don’t see any male bashing. Both men and woman can do evil things. Every single human being needs salvation. There is a very scared woman here, who writes that she feels like she is being stalked because of repetitive times she is witnessing suspicious behaviour. It could be serious, and therefore, it cannot be discounted and shoved down as nothing ( even if it is). The same would go for a male if he encountered the same situation. He should be aware. As someone posted earlier, woman are statistically at greater risk for these crimes.

Cheers

I am a person that actually well read in the bible scriptures and what I was talking about was principilities that are used to destroy people. The reality is the accusation of even a lustful glare or even stalking is something that can damage a man's life. We as christians can not base our judgement on minor evidence.

This is a christian forum all sorts of people come on here and examine what we feel and think, I would like the world to know there are christians with more wisdom then to believe that.

It's male bashing to state a man going outside at the same time as a woman is stalking. A judge will not convict a man for coming outside his apartment at the same time for anything.......if the world makes more intellectual judgements then we do what does that say about us. We are supposed to be followers of Christ and we represent him in all of our doings.


So you believe that coming outside a number of times at the same time as another person is suspicious behavior? That's what I am getting from that comment.


In a society, where being black is a disadvantage and all you have to do is go outside at the same time as your neighbor in an apartment, I understand why black boys are taught that it makes sense. It doesn't matter if he is a cigerette smoker, deeply in love with his wife who may be more attractive, is having trouble with his wife so he steps outside the house to cool down, he's a closet drinker and goes outside so his wife doesn't know he falls off the wagon or even if he is saved and goes outside so he can talk to God........none of those possibilities matter.........all that matters is she is scared.

To me that's hypocritical and sinful. We places these titles on a man we don't know, that we don't know anything bad about, that doesn't even really do anything other then be outside at the same time in AN APARTMENT??????


What you are basically telling me is if I see someone that is scared I have to put away all logic and reason and automatically believe even if I am validating there illogical and mentally unhealthy cognitive.

However because she's a woman it has to me make sense which is why my son will most likely have the same fear as I have and will stay out of people's rumors, judgements and comments.


Based on the information we have is it possible that this man is a great father, a pastor of a church, a leader in the community and he struggles with an addiction to cigs? Is it possible that the OP is not very attractive to the OP and he could careless of even building a friendship?

If you believe that there is anything more than a 50/50 chance I am going to have to block because there would be no point in me learning anything more from your thoughts.

 

[melody123]

Hi Avniel. OK. The next time we read a man feels like he is being stalked by a man or woman (maybe one that is bigger than him) we will Ignore him, not give him any advice and tell him to suck it up because we don’t want to be guilty of man or woman bashing. Seriously, and sorry about this, but I don’t think you read my note the way I intended for it to be understood. It was written with both objectiveness and wisdom as I knew how and I don't know how to come across any better than I have.

Cheers !

 

[Avniel]

Hi Avniel. OK. The next time we read a man feels like he is being stalked by a man or woman (maybe one that is bigger than him) we will Ignore him, not give him any advice and tell him to suck it up because we don’t want to be guilty of man or woman bashing. Seriously, and sorry about this, but I don’t think you read my note the way I intended for it to be understood. It was written with both objectiveness and wisdom as I knew how and I don't know how to come across any better than I have.

Cheers !

See now I think you are drawing on emotions to win an argument and that isn't even what I was saying. The reality is it is illogical to give a person advice on the assumption that the OP is correct and he's outside at the same time she is........in an apartment!! It doesn't make sense to call that stalking it's an apartment!! How can you live in an apartment and not constantly see neighbors!? That doesn't make sense!!

If she said he's outside whenever I'm outside and he looks and follows me.....ok now that is something to draw that conclusion off of. You guys are telling the OP to tell other's, tell his wife, tell the apartment complex and all this man has done is be outside from all we know. Where is the logic in that.

No you need to either go off the information you have, which clearly isn't stalking especially in an apartment setting, or you need to have more information. If you don't see how that is logical then you are male bashing it's just that simple. If you can not understand why being outside as someone at the same time isn't stalking and why more intel is needed you are male bashing. Also the reason I will teach my son the same way I was taught so he can never be in that situation........I thought however that you could at least go outside your apartment at the very least........you can be a criminal for going outside your own apartment now???????

Let's say all he does is be outside right? She tells his wife and the other people, he decides it's making him look bad and hurting his business and sues.......when she goes up and says why she felt to tell everyone she was being stalked was "He was stalking me every time I came out of my apartment he was outside of his apartment too" what do you really believe is going to happen?

Bottom line you need more knowledge of what's going on to actually know if she is being stalked. Nobody said ignore anything I simply said make an educated choice with the knowledge you have and tell the truth. SOmeone being outside the same time as you in an apartment setting isn't stalking you.If there is more to the story we would need that to call it stalking.

 

[Inkachu]

Racism aside, Avniel is 100% correct on the rest of his posts. As a woman who considers myself in possession of a reasonable amount of common sense, I find the over-reactions and melodrama coming from the other women in this thread, seriously disappointing. If my neighbor came outside every morning at the same moment I did, I would assume he goes to work at the same time I do. I wouldn't assume he's stalking me. It's not REASONABLE to draw that conclusion, yet almost no one in this thread is holding the OP accountable for her extremely serious accusations against this man. Honestly, if I took my female world view from this thread alone, I would say that our society is run by feminine hysteria and complete lack of common sense. Thank God I know better.

 

[Avniel]

Racism aside, Avniel is 100% correct on the rest of his posts. As a woman who considers myself in possession of a reasonable amount of common sense, I find the over-reactions and melodrama coming from the other women in this thread, seriously disappointing.

No what I am saying is this is what I was taught. Historically boys of minorities ethnicities have always been subjected to punishment for the even supposed pursuit of a woman that matches the mainstream ethnicity. As a black man you have to be very careful who you help when they struggle with bags, who you smile and say good morning too and who you even catch when they are falling........as men it can always get bad for you but as a black man it can get crazy very fast. I think this was a mentality taught to us mostly by our parents due to the era they grew up in. Pre and post civil rights era.......it was always something I wondered will I have to teaach my son this.

At the end of the day I have to teach him a certain mistrust of the police, I have to teach him not to fight when he's chased by an adult and I have to add this as another thing I wished I didn't have to teach. I wonder if my grandparents felt this way when they realized there are some naive ideals they hoped would leave.


The lack of common sense because a woman feels uncomfortable makes the man automatically criminal while the woman is automatically victimized and the man is dehumanized as some sort of pervert.......all because they are outside the apartment at the same time what seemed to be a lot.

I think you've been exposed to a mentality that makes men feel like the way society thinks at times is against them.

I meant no offense I mainly wanted to expose you to a teaching that is really a part of my community but it's something that we have to examine. On one side it is very negative and hurtful and can restrict a person to certain culture exposures. However at the same time if a man is accused by a white woman in america of anything, he's in a very bad situation however if that man is black he can pretty much kiss his life good and a harsher punishment and even a harsher rejection from society after everything.

Football player was wanted by everyone he got caught in the bedroom with a girl at his school. He was a year older than her and they were in the same grade, he was charged with rape.....and he was convicted. Years later she came out and said it was because he was black and she was sorry he was released. Still no college football team would take him and he ended up going to Morehouse College where I met him. I think it would be naive to say that his race didn't play a part in that situation. If the other person was black would it be different is the question? That's what makes me feel like I should always have some sort person in the room because it's a risk to me.