Husband taking hundreds of dollars out of my savings account

[Heartofsilver]

My husband and I share a bank account where our accounts are separate. We are experiencing some of the same issues again which is bringing back flashbacks of how things went before. My husband took $600 out of my account to pay bills he said, but after I questioned him about it he began to show signs of guilt by treating me extra nice all of a sudden and telling me how he feels bad about taking from my savings again to pay bills. This is the second time that he pulled from my savings without telling me.

Since I'm concerned that he is using our bills as a cover for his heavy inappropriate contentography addiction I have decided to track my savings account to make sure that he doesn't take from it without me knowing which is what I did before and again I feel really bad about doing this without telling him since it is dishonest since it is lying by omission meaning that I'm lying by not telling him something. I want to help him though without him knowing, because I don't want to him to think that I don't respect or trust him. Which unfortunately I don't trust him especially since he is an addict and he has done this to me before. I'm not sure what the right thing to do is.

What should I do?

By the way, we do have marriage mentors that we meet with and when I brought up that he has taken hundreds of dollars out of my savings, they told me that they didn't know what I should do.

 

[Carl Emerson]

What are your 'mentors' saying about the inappropriate contentography addiction?

Are you in loving fellowship ?

Ask for the account detail on how the money was spent.

 

[seeking.IAM]

1. Ask for full transparency of family finances. If money is taken from accounts to pay bills, you should be able to see verification of a comparable amount of bills paid.
2. Require joint decisions for all major expenditures over an amount that you and he pre-determine as acceptable.
3. If your family's financial method is separate accounts for yours, mine, & ours, it is an easy matter to take his name off of your account so he must discuss it with you if money is needed for household expenses.
4. Be sure you review your annual tax filings. I have seen wives get into huge problems with the IRS, because they erroneously trusted their partners to do honest reporting to the IRS. Some who didn't know how much debt they were in until the IRS showed up on their doorstep to serve them with papers placing a tax lien on their property.
5. Be sure you know the extent of your credit card debt. Once again, I have seen wives of husbands who pay the bills not know until it was too late that they were $80,000 in credit card debt. Remember his debt is also your debt.

This advice is offered as a marriage and family therapist who has been through too many catastrophes with trusting wives. Trust is a wonderful thing if you have it but be cautious and protect yourself if you don't. As an aside, there is so much free inappropriate content out there on the internet, there is no reason for someone to pay for it. Ask questions; demand proof; don't assume. Things may not be what they appear to be.

 

[mama2one]

.

 

[seeking.IAM]

I will add an additional piece of information. If one's marriage is on shaky ground such that there is even the remotest chance of it not surviving, women should make sure they have money saved in their name that they can rely upon for food, housing, etc., if worse comes to worse. Many women stay in intolerable situations only because they can't afford not to. It also often proves useful for women to have an established credit history. A few bills or credit cards in the woman's name is a good thing. I'm decades into what I think is a very solid marriage, yet I encourage my wife to do this in addition to all the things I listed in post #3. It's not just a matter of trust; it's sensible.

 

[Blade]

Well you asked in public and you will get all kinds of answers. Been married together about 40years now and everything is in both names. I am not like most. whats mine is hers. everything. If we wonder we talk..haha now she can spend and I say nothing. Me now haha I get questioned.. its fun. Were all different PRAISE GOD and some love to have there own stuff like money nothing wrong with that. The way I can relate is my parents. I had been working and they took all of it haha when I was young.

Ask from the heart about just what it is. In love that no matter what it is to let you help. Now me here I would be asking and if still would not answer I would say.. then I am sorry I will have to put that account in only my name.. unless you share show me what it was

 

[Heartofsilver]

What are your 'mentors' saying about the inappropriate contentography addiction?

Are you in loving fellowship ?

Ask for the account detail on how the money was spent.

He did use the money towards bills. I'm just afraid to know what he did with the leftover money.

 

[Heartofsilver]

1. Ask for full transparency of family finances. If money is taken from accounts to pay bills, you should be able to see verification of a comparable amount of bills paid.
2. Require joint decisions for all major expenditures over an amount that you and he pre-determine as acceptable.
3. If your family's financial method is separate accounts for yours, mine, & ours, it is an easy matter to take his name off of your account so he must discuss it with you if money is needed for household expenses.
4. Be sure you review your annual tax filings. I have seen wives get into huge problems with the IRS, because they erroneously trusted their partners to do honest reporting to the IRS. Some who didn't know how much debt they were in until the IRS showed up on their doorstep to serve them with papers placing a tax lien on their property.
5. Be sure you know the extent of your credit card debt. Once again, I have seen wives of husbands who pay the bills not know until it was too late that they were $80,000 in credit card debt. Remember his debt is also your debt.

This advice is offered as a marriage and family therapist who has been through too many catastrophes with trusting wives. Trust is a wonderful thing if you have it but be cautious and protect yourself if you don't. As an aside, there is so much free inappropriate content out there on the internet, there is no reason for someone to pay for it. Ask questions; demand proof; don't assume. Things may not be what they appear to be.

Hello Seeking.IAM,

1. I'm able to see all of our accounts and transactions and was able to see that he paid that bill, but I'm concerned of why he need more money and I'm concerned with what he did with his money that was leftover.

2 & 3.We did discuss the amount, but this isn't the first time that he pulled out of the wrong account. I specifically told him to take the money from my checking and not my savings. He keeps taking from my savings anyway. I did try separating out accounts before since we at first had them joined shortly before the wedding, but had to separate them due to similar concerns.

4.We did sit down together and filed our taxes jointly

5. I don't have much debt other than a small fee from when I used my credit card last, but thank you for reminding me to check on that, too.

He does have another addiction as well that I wish not to discuss on here, but it is costly. He is currently going to a therapist for treatment. He told me so far that he has been clean of that particular one for a month and that him pulling the money from that account was an accident, but he has done this more than once lately, so I'm starting to not believe him, plus I know that he struggles with honesty. I also have been having a tough time trusting him after he and my former best friend had something going on online and I wasn't sure what it was, but it was inappropriate. It eventually destroyed my friendship with her and it was a huge blow on the trust in our marriage.

 

[Heartofsilver]

.

Hello mama2one,

He did ask, but he keeps taking from an account I specifically told he not to touch again, but he just keeps doing it lately. He also doesn't always tell me the truth.

 

[seeking.IAM]

Hello Seeking.IAM,

Sounds like you have done many good things to address this. Perhaps what is needed now is time for therapy to work. Best wishes to you both.

 

[Skye1300]

I would open up another savings account with another bank that he has no access to and transfer the saving in there. Then just use that as your savings account. It shouldn't be a problem since he isn't supposed to touch your savings account anyway. If he complains, tell him it's the result of his behavior and needs to be that way till he's healed/cured. That might help save the marriage if his taking money becomes a real issue down the line. You can prevent that. Plus it will leave him with no way to feed his addiction without access to our savings. In theory you're supposed to share everything, but in theory the spouse is not supposed to have addictions like that either. His addictions changed the rules you have to live by till he's healed and trust is restored.

 

[tall73]

Hello Seeking.IAM,

1. I'm able to see all of our accounts and transactions and was able to see that he paid that bill, but I'm concerned of why he need more money and I'm concerned with what he did with his money that was leftover.

2 & 3.We did discuss the amount, but this isn't the first time that he pulled out of the wrong account. I specifically told him to take the money from my checking and not my savings. He keeps taking from my savings anyway. I did try separating out accounts before since we at first had them joined shortly before the wedding, but had to separate them due to similar concerns.

4.We did sit down together and filed our taxes jointly

5. I don't have much debt other than a small fee from when I used my credit card last, but thank you for reminding me to check on that, too.

He does have another addiction as well that I wish not to discuss on here, but it is costly. He is currently going to a therapist for treatment. He told me so far that he has been clean of that particular one for a month and that him pulling the money from that account was an accident, but he has done this more than once lately, so I'm starting to not believe him, plus I know that he struggles with honesty. I also have been having a tough time trusting him after he and my former best friend had something going on online and I wasn't sure what it was, but it was inappropriate. It eventually destroyed my friendship with her and it was a huge blow on the trust in our marriage.

If he has multiple violations of trust, and continues to violate it then you may have few options.

One that you can try is to tell him you want to have control of all the accounts, for both of you, and he can only have access to a card you control to pay for his daily needs (gas, food, whatever), but that you will handle the other bills. This could be combined with the suggestion of Skye above, by putting all resources into a new account, so that he has no access.

If he wants to earn back your trust he will have to show he is responsible. At the end of each month both of you can sit down and go over all the finances that you have managed so he still knows what is going on, but doesn't have the ability to sink you both with his admitted addictions.

If he complains, tell him you won't support his addictions anymore so he can do this or you may need a legal separation for a time.

This is a difficult thing to do, but may be what he needs to break these habits that are hurting you both, and to demonstrate that he is working towards trust again.

After a time of re-establishing trust, you may go back to a more mutual arrangement.