How would you feel...

[invisiblebabe]

... if either you are not a virgin (technical sense or otherwise) and were seriously dating someone who was saving his/her first kiss for the altar?

Or, if you're on the other side... if you're saving even your first kiss, and the one you think you'll end up with is not a virgin?

Note: I am not asking about forgiving anyone with a shady past. I am simply asking what your emotions and your reaction would be. I don't want this to turn into a heated debate; I just want to hear people's perspectives.

 

[flounder7786]

well honestly that is hard...i know in my own life...my boyfriend has never dated, kissed, hugged, any girl but me, and he knows i will be the only one...and for me...i've done, a lot...with guys...im still a virgin, but i've kissed and stuff with other guys...and i feel incredibly bad about it...like, its such a cool thing that he wated for his "future" wife, but i wish i could say the same...it tears me up, he doesnt seem too emotionally upset about it...but i think he may be covering it up a bit...so, its juts a sticky situation i wish i would have never gotten my self into

 

[Thithy]

That would be extremely difficult. As it is, I'm saving myself, and I'm worried that I might not find a guy who's also a virgin. I'm hoping that I'll find one, and I think it would be hard for me, if he wasn't one. I would almost feel a bit cheated, in the sense that I saved myself, but he didn't save himself. I don't know how else I would really feel.

 

[Singing Bush]

Well take this for what it is as it is only my own personal experience, but the only girlfriend I've ever had was not a virgin. She regretted it and repented from it so, in all honesty, I could not care less. 'Course I'm also not planning on saving "even [my] first kiss" so it doesn't really completely apply to either of your two scenarios.

 

[superdave]

I use to worry all the time, I am saving myself for my wife- I have this strong covenant for her. I mean STRONG. Yet, I wonder if she is saving herself at all. I have never really dated, never kissed anyone (except for that time in the 3rd grade, lol.) And I am keeping my word to her. Honoring her and protecting her... I wonder. But then I realized, it doesn't matter- because I know I can forgive as Christ has forgiven us. And if she has done things in the past, I am willing to forgive her and let us move on. I believe my love for her will look past everything. I am not worried about what she looks like, what she is like, and what she has done--because my love will surpass all those things.

It's not an issue for me.

 

[barefeetonholyground]

I can certainly relate to the first one. I would feel pretty guilty if the guy I was with saved for me the one thing I was thinking about saving when I had my first kiss. Not once in a million years did I think I would get this far.

 

[Jakobray]

To be honest, I am a virgin and if my future wife is that would be cool. But if not, I know that it will not honestly change any of my feelings. We would definately have to talk about it, but what is in her past is in her past. If she chooses me and I choose her (knowing that I have stupid high standards) then I know it is what God wants, Praise God, and I won't be bothered by it. I know couples that are so incredibly Godly and great examples to me. 1 couple I know, the husband is a national abstinence speaker and his wife had sex before they got married. They are incredibly happy and it didnt even slow him down for marrying her. I think that it is the coolest thing I have ever seen.

 

[mina]

If I was sure that this person was the one that God had for me and I had prayerfully considered this person as a mate and they had repented of their past and were now following the Lord, then their past wouldn't be that big of a deal to me. In the first senerio I would probably feel somewhat guilty, but if God had made it clear that we were to be together then the guilt would have to go. In the second senerio, I might feel a little bit resentful that I had remained pure and my SO hadn't , but if that is the person God was leading me to, then those feelings would have to be laid down and gotten over. Guilt and resentment aren't very Godly feelings so I think if either is so strong that it's causing the relationship to have problems then that probably isn't the person for you. If it's God's will for you to be with someone (even if their past is different than yours) , I think He will make it clear and lead both of you together dispite what was in the past. What is important is if both of you are open to His leading in the now.

 

[Singing Bush]

As an addendum to my post...

In regards to the first scenario I would probably, like most people here it seems, feel some sense of guilt. I would think, and hope, that this wouldn't matter to my future spouse if I had repented of it, however. What I've come to realize is that if it is of no concern to her, why should it be of any concern to me any longer? In the same relationship I described above I felt inadequate in many ways because my girl was just so darn awesome, and that hindered our relationship in some aspects. She of course did not see me as such and so there was a needless gulf between us. I learned the hard way that sometimes we need to just learn to forgive ourselves.

 

[Blank123]

I'm not quite sure how to answer this question. I am a virgin, and I plan to stay that way until I'm married, however I don't think I'll be saving my first kiss for my wedding day. Now if I ended up with a guy who made some mistakes and was not a virgin I honestly think I'd be fine with that as long as he's realized that what he'd done was a sin and became a committed himself to waiting again for marriage.

on the other hand if I ended up with someone who had committed himself to saving his first kiss for marriage, I think I might have a slight problem in the beginning, because I think I'm a pretty affectionate person, but I would respect that and I wouldn't push the issue.

 

[drumbum]

well, i'm not a virgin. so, i can definately see the flip side. i know i wouldn't have a problem if my future wife was a virgin or not. it honestly doesn't matter to me. personally, i would have more of a problem with my girlfriend saving her first kiss until we got married. i understand that it's something that would have significance for someone, but i think that that is putting too much pressure on yourself. i know, i know, then you ask "where does it stop?". i think it depends on the person. and yes, i know, that's a slippery slope...

sorry, i didn't mean to make this into a saving-your-first-kiss-for-marriage debate...

 

[KristiXP]

well, i'm not a virgin. so, i can definately see the flip side. i know i wouldn't have a problem if my future wife was a virgin or not. it honestly doesn't matter to me. personally, i would have more of a problem with my girlfriend saving her first kiss until we got married. i understand that it's something that would have significance for someone, but i think that that is putting too much pressure on yourself. i know, i know, then you ask "where does it stop?". i think it depends on the person. and yes, i know, that's a slippery slope...

sorry, i didn't mean to make this into a saving-your-first-kiss-for-marriage debate...

I agree. Personally, I wouldn't start a relationship with someone who was saving their first kiss for marriage. For me, kissing is a huge part of a relationship. The way you kiss someone tells them a lot of things, mainly how much you love them. All from a kiss. I love that. The feeling you get when kissing a person you love and care deeply for, is unexplainable.
As for saving their virginity for marriage, sure that's fine.

 

[Cordelia]

It would perplex me a little bit if he was waiting to kiss, but I'd never say so. I'd respect his beliefs completely, just as I hope he'd forgive me in spite of my lost virginity.

 

[tubaboy963]

I would expect them to understand why I'm doing it and if they couldn't understand why I'm doing then I'd hope that they would love me enough to respect my wishes.

 

[boilerblues]

I'm a virgin and I've never kissed anyone. I used to struggle with the idea of having a relationship with someone that wasn't a virgin. But I came to realize a couple of things. First, though I've never slept with anyone I have not kept myself completely pure (curse the internet). While it isn't as far down the path as sleeping with someone, I'm not perfect myself and I can't hold someone else to a standard that I can't live up to myself. Second, Christ has forgiven that person and I have no right to hold that against them.

In regards to how that special woman might feel about being in a relationship with me, I hope she would find Grace in our relationship. I would hope that I would be loving her as Christ loves her and she would find no condemnation for a past she has been forgiven of. I would also hope that she would feel that I was God's gift to her, that she was given a Godly man to love her. I would also hope that she would not view me as being any better than her because I've sinned in the past also.

Regarding the kiss, I've gone 28 years without a kiss. I decided that I've waited long enough without kissing that I can wait a bit longer and give that as a gift that only my wife will know. Affection for someone can be shown without kissing, I'll save that gift. A month ago I was in the wedding of a friend and he had waited to kiss his wife. The morning of the wedding he came to my hotel room all excited and said (in a swiss accent) "I woke up this morning and my first thought was that I get to kiss in 4 hours!" I thought that was just the coolest thing, I would love to be that excited about getting to kiss my wife on my wedding day.

 

[ravendta]

It would really all depend on the person. I'm a virgin in the technical sense - that is, I've done pretty much everything EXCEPT intercourse. (Yes, I know, I'm bad... I've begun anew, and intend on saving any further sexual interaction until I'm married). I'd have to know that my wife was OK will all of that. On the flip side, if SHE wasn't a virgin, I'd only need to know that she knew it was a mistake and didn't plan on doing it again until marriage. That would suffice for me.

As far as kissing goes, I agree with the person above who said kissing is a big part of the relationship. You can tell a lot by how a person kisses. That's not to say I wouldn't get into a relationship with someone who was saving their first kiss, but I know that if I did it would be insanely difficult for me.

 

[invisiblebabe]

Interesting points so far

Kristi, I'm guessing that you are someone who very much uses physical touch as a way to express affection... whereas I am generally not. Raven, I'm guessing you're the same way. I can see where not kissing would be a problem for you... though I see many other ways to express affection physically without kissing (hugging, holding hands, arms around one another). So I guess I am asking, what does kissing express that none of these forms of affection do?

First off, as for why someone would wait to kiss, here are my reasons (though I am probably not waiting until the altar unless my future husband has that desire... more likely engagement):

*Less temptation. If you don't kiss, it's much less likely for things to progress farther than that. I've never heard of any pregnant teenagers who have never been kissed So, the whole "You won't have to stop something you've never started in the first place" argument holds some weight here, I feel
*I see kissing (well, not counting on the cheek or forehead...though I'd rather save that too, mainly because I am not a "kissy" person who expresses affection that way lol) as something intimate, and I'd rather it be something I only do with the man I marry.
*I'm a very internally romantic type.... and this is one way to have a very special gift for my husband.
*I'm also an idealist.

 

[ravendta]

It's hard to explain how kissing is different from other types of physical expression, but it certainly IS different. It might be more of a psychological thing depending on how you were raised. I know my family members don't kiss each other (obviously a different kind of kiss, but you know what I mean ). We rarely even hug each other. In fact, I don't think I've EVER hugged my brothers. So to have someone who's not related to you actually WANT to kiss you, its a very special and warm feeling. And when you feel that person really taking control of the kiss (pushing you back in your chair, wrapping their arms around you, etc) it makes you feel more loved and appreciated than ever!

But please don't take this as me trying to say that you shouldn't wait! Everyone's got their own feelings on the issue, and I think that you should always stay true to what you believe in!

 

[Inperfected]

I would be as the first... but quite honestly, i have fallen for guys at both ends of the spectrum, and dated a couple... Neither end phases me. The been "dodgy" guys get my sympathy, and i understand the heartache of thier pasts, and the good guys get my respect but i understand it could've been hard for them too. Neither of them is reallylooked at differently... whoever ends up with me, will have to accept that i've half been there on more than one occasion with more than one guy, i've accepted that, and they will have to to.

 

[invisiblebabe]

For those of you who have not remained physically pure (though you are pure in God's eyes if you have repented), would you understand if one in my situation would not be able to deal with your past?

(note: this is all purely hypothetical. I am not in this situation now, nor have I ever been. One ex-boyfriend of mine was experienced, and I don't believe it was that which made it not work out... though I don't think we had the level of common ground that I perhaps would need)