How to tell My Husband?

[SabrinaFair]

You're fallen. As are we all. Don't feel that you are particuarly sinful or tainted. This just isn't the case. Unfortunately, Christians (and everyone) are too often told that it is men that have the higher sex drive, men who are more tempted by sexual imagery/ideas - and this is just true. I think men are more likely to talk about it, but women are sexual creatures too, often have high sex drives and are often tempted. There is nothing particularly wrong or disturbing by a woman with a higher sex drive and tendency toward sexual temptation than her husband.

I agree.

 

[FLANDIDLYANDERS]

So you are saying that your drives are not in synch?

That's not healthy. regardless of your own feelings about the "pureness" of your own. It is more liekly to be this that is the root cause rather than porn. Frustration and frustrated fantasy?

If it were me, it'd be that anyway.

 

[stonek2]

stonek2,

If it's any consolation, if MY wife were to approach me with a confession of reading erotica, or viewing "sexual" images, I wouldn't be mad at her.

Why?

1. She told ME. That earns you bonus points!
2. It's sex. We have a naturally instilled desire curiosity to know what it's all about in its many (many) forms.

Redguard,

Your nice, because you make it sound so simple and easy.
My husband will most likely not beat me up about it, but I do feel weak or sexually lustful. I feel I have done alot of growing as a christian, so this kind of makes me feel like I have taken a big fall or something.

 

[gracepaints]

Keep in mind conviction is from God. Condemnation is from the Devil. It is one thing to feel convicted of sin and wanting to better. It is a whole other thing to feel so much self-condemnation that it prevents you from moving on. Confess, be forgiven and live a better life.

 

[stonek2]

So you are saying that your drives are not in synch?

That's not healthy. regardless of your own feelings about the "pureness" of your own. It is more liekly to be this that is the root cause rather than porn. Frustration and frustrated fantasy?

If it were me, it'd be that anyway.

I do wish for more frequency, passion and excitement too.

 

[HeavenboundAngel]

I don't think that telling your husband is something you have to do. I think it is a choice you have to make though. I think asking God to forgive you and keeping away from it from now on is the answer. Pray about it daily and ask for strength. Do you feel that telling him will make your marriage stronger or weaker? God bless you in whatever you decide.

 

[stonek2]

I don't think that telling your husband is something you have to do. I think it is a choice you have to make though. I think asking God to forgive you and keeping away from it from now on is the answer. Pray about it daily and ask for strength. Do you feel that telling him will make your marriage stronger or weaker? God bless you in whatever you decide.

I will talk to him once he gets passed the emergency situation he is working on right now. Then, I will be able to discuss things with him. I have always been open and honest with my husband about everything in life.
You are right, by asking God to forgive me and help me is the way to go now.

 

[janny108]

I feel terrible and so disappointed in myself.
For some reason and for the life of me I don't know what or why, but I looked at porn on the internet.
Erotic stories was my first temptation and then next thing I know I am looking at full porn. I have looked at it before a year ago, but nothing at all since.
Why, why did I do this, because this is not how I want to live. So, I have failed God, myself and my husband.

I feel sick and I don't even want to tell my husband though I feel I should. I looked at it and I know it was wrong. I feel like I could throw up, sorry to say that.

Any advice?

What is full porn? Naked men? I remember when I was a young teen I got hooked on erotic stories that my mom had lying around. She even encouraged me to read them. I got delivered from that but sometimes I struggle with other areas.
Jan

 

[Redguard]

stonek2,

How would you react to your husband approaching you and confessing that he had been reading erotica and viewing porn?

My wife once did a major goof and carefully approached me about it in fear that I might blow up at her. When she told me what she did, I shrugged and said, "It's okay. We'll just have to get that fixed up."

She was surprised by my non-chalant response. It's not because I'm the type of person who blows up about stuff. Rather, she was thinking about what her response would have been to me had I did the same thing. So she was preparing herself for me to respond in kind.

I think that you're doing something similar. It's clear that you have a vehement repulsion towards th ings of a pornographic nature. So I can only imagine what your response would be to your husband if he revealed to you that he had spent some time looking into it.

 

[stonek2]

What is full porn? Naked men? I remember when I was a young teen I got hooked on erotic stories that my mom had lying around. She even encouraged me to read them. I got delivered from that but sometimes I struggle with other areas.
Jan

Are you really asking me what full porn is?
To be honest it means I looked at men totally naked and watched clips of them doing their thing online. I hope that explains it enough.
I do know how wrong I was for watching and having lust. I know I must look really terrible, but I do want to be truthful about it.

 

[MikeK]

I know I must look really terrible, but I do want to be truthful about it.

You aren't going to look terrible, why do you keep saying that? You messed up like everyone does, now admit it to your husband honestly like you know you should and hopefully he'll be as unconcerned about it as I suspect he will. I doubt very much that he'll be upset about this, unless you've been turning him down but pursuing porn at his expense. that doesn't sound like the case, so why do you think he'll even care?

 

[c1ners]

Oh please.....I don't think your sins are any greater than mine or the next persons. Everyone has faults. Yours happens to be porn. I'm not even going to admit what mine is, but rest assurred, it's just as bad.

If you feel conviction, tell your husband. If you feel like it's something you shouldn't be doing, pray about it, ask God to forgive you, and find someone who is willing to be your lean upon person. (Sorry I'm having a blonde moment, and the proper word is not coming to mind). But stop beating yourself up over it. Nothing is going to get accomplished that way. Sometimes you have to face your fears. Your hubby might get upset. He might not understand. But on the otherhand he might. You just have to take that first step and TELL HIM!

 

[stonek2]

stonek2,

How would you react to your husband approaching you and confessing that he had been reading erotica and viewing porn?

My wife once did a major goof and carefully approached me about it in fear that I might blow up at her. When she told me what she did, I shrugged and said, "It's okay. We'll just have to get that fixed up."

She was surprised by my non-chalant response. It's not because I'm the type of person who blows up about stuff. Rather, she was thinking about what her response would have been to me had I did the same thing. So she was preparing herself for me to respond in kind.

I think that you're doing something similar. It's clear that you have a vehement repulsion towards th ings of a pornographic nature. So I can only imagine what your response would be to your husband if he revealed to you that he had spent some time looking into it.

Redguard, What you said makes alot of sense to me.
If, my husband got caught up in porn or erotica I would not like it. I don't know I would blow up at him if he came to me and told me the truth on his own. I think I would feel really shocked and maybe hurt. I think he may feel that toward me too. We are both conservative christians and he is a very respectful to me at all times.


A part of me wish we had more excitement going on in our sex life, but he has gotten upset with me for my higher sex drive before. Maybe I put to much pressure on him for more. Please know I am not using that as an excuse. I'm just saying that adds to my guilt.
He is a terrific husband to me we just see some things different.

 

[philknowles]

I have the same sin addiction as I have been involved with pornography, and sexual addictions. I joined a small group at my church and learned a lot about why I do what I do, yet try so hard to quit. Sex/Porn/ is like a drug. There is this chemical release when you view such things. At least it is for me and others in my group. Talk to a friend, and your husband may understand more than you think. It doesn't work so well the other way around though.

 

[MikeK]

A part of me wish we had more excitement going on in our sex life, but he has gotten upset with me for my higher sex drive before.

I f he is upset because you have a higher drive, he is wrong to be. Talk to someone together before it blows up. If your husband could give you more attention and make it easier to keep you from being tempted by porn or whatever tempts you, he should want to do so.
I used to struggle with porn and touching yourself myself, but that is pretty much a thing of the past. It was a direct result of me not feeling like I was getting what I needed from my wife. I was wrong to do what I did, but after several honest, and brutally frank conversations where we both revealed some vulnerability, things started getting better. Our sex life is much better than it has ever been before. Talk it over with him, and if nothing changes go see a counsler with him. what you've done isn't right, but neither is it right of him to put you into a situation where your needs are not being met and you are more easily tempted. It isn't your fault (well, viewing porn is, but I mean the whole situation) nor is it his fault, but the two of you can come to a place of agreement together if you're both willing to sit down and be comfortable putting it all on the table.

 

[Mskedi]

In the thread where women deal with their husbands' porn addiction it's said over and over that the problem is dishonesty.

You slipped up. You feel guilty. If you approach your husband honestly I'm sure he'll be fine. I mean, it's not like you're going to be telling him, "Hey, I looked at porn and I LOVED it and will be looking at it every day regardless of what you think." You're going to be saying, "I gave in to temptation, looked at porn, feel guilty and want to be honest with you to ensure it doesn't happen again."

I think you're going to be fine.

 

[stonek2]

I have the same sin addiction as I have been involved with pornography, and sexual addictions. I joined a small group at my church and learned a lot about why I do what I do, yet try so hard to quit. Sex/Porn/ is like a drug. There is this chemical release when you view such things. At least it is for me and others in my group. Talk to a friend, and your husband may understand more than you think. It doesn't work so well the other way around though.

I don't think I am addicted I only looked at this past weekend and before that a year ago.
I don't want to do it again and not sure why I did it to begin with.

 

[stonek2]

I f he is upset because you have a higher drive, he is wrong to be. Talk to someone together before it blows up. If your husband could give you more attention and make it easier to keep you from being tempted by porn or whatever tempts you, he should want to do so.
I used to struggle with porn and touching yourself myself, but that is pretty much a thing of the past. It was a direct result of me not feeling like I was getting what I needed from my wife. I was wrong to do what I did, but after several honest, and brutally frank conversations where we both revealed some vulnerability, things started getting better. Our sex life is much better than it has ever been before. Talk it over with him, and if nothing changes go see a counsler with him. what you've done isn't right, but neither is it right of him to put you into a situation where your needs are not being met and you are more easily tempted. It isn't your fault (well, viewing porn is, but I mean the whole situation) nor is it his fault, but the two of you can come to a place of agreement together if you're both willing to sit down and be comfortable putting it all on the table.

Mike, We have talked alot about our different drives and my desire to be with him alot more. We have improved alot and I did talk to a professional twice about it. She said there are a growing percentage of men with low drives number one reason why is high stress. That is my husband for sure and he has said it many times over. We have went from a once a month to every week. Once and sometimes twice now.

He has improved even some of his skills too, well you know what I am saying. So with all his efforts in changing I don't think I need to demand alot more right now. I don't want him to feel kicked or pressured by me. Maybe my sex desires are selfish.
Do you understand where I am coming from?

 

[stonek2]

Everyone, I dont want my husband to think his trying is just not good enough. Understand?

 

[c1ners]

I really don't think you should be talking about your sex life to other men. Sorry, just my opinion. You need a female mentor to talk to, not a man.