How to tell My Husband?

[stonek2]

I feel terrible and so disappointed in myself.
For some reason and for the life of me I don't know what or why, but I looked at porn on the internet.
Erotic stories was my first temptation and then next thing I know I am looking at full porn. I have looked at it before a year ago, but nothing at all since.
Why, why did I do this, because this is not how I want to live. So, I have failed God, myself and my husband.

I feel sick and I don't even want to tell my husband though I feel I should. I looked at it and I know it was wrong. I feel like I could throw up, sorry to say that.

Any advice?

 

[Redguard]

Could it be that you're beating yourself up more than he would?

How does your husband usually react to things? Is he the type of person to blow a fuse? Or is he a more calm and non-chalant sort of person?

 

[Johnnz]

Use that experience to do a bit of a stock take. Can you identify why you looked at porn?
Does that tell you anything about you, your marriage, your sex life together?

Be honest, and it may turn out to be a good thing if you work through it properly.

Feel free to PM if you want to follow up any thoughts you may have.

Your remorse is good in that you recognise that was not the best thing you could have done.

John
NZ

 

[stonek2]

Could it be that you're beating yourself up more than he would?

How does your husband usually react to things? Is he the type of person to blow a fuse? Or is he a more calm and non-chalant sort of person?

Redguard,
Sometimes, my husband does have a temper, but he also is pretty understanding toward me too. I think he will forgive me, but I feel so disappointed in myself really. Ashamed to tell him.

 

[stonek2]

Use that experience to do a bit of a stock take. Can you identify why you looked at porn?

Johnnz, I don't think I can answer that publically here. Just that something popped up online and I went for it because it got me you know......

Does that tell you anything about you, your marriage, your sex life together?

Maybe it does?

Your remorse is good in that you recognise that was not the best thing you could have done.

It was not the right thing for me to do at all and I guess as a christian it was pretty bad thing. That's why I feel so terrible.

 

[pegatha]

You asked why you fell for this temptation. I don't know you, of course, but I'm wondering if there are any particular stresses in your life right now that you're not coping with. Some people use porn as a way of escaping from the pressures of life. Could this be the case for you? If it is, then my advice would be that you learn to face those challenges and tackle them in a godly manner, with support from Christian friends. Dealing with life, instead of hiding from it, can help you overcome the "need" to look at porn.

As for telling your husband, give it some thought and prayer. If you think the knowledge would burden him beyond his ability to cope, perhaps it would be kinder to keep it to yourself, assuming you've put it behind you. But if you think he's the type who can handle it, then let him help you bear this and overcome it.

 

[Autumnleaf]

I think telling people about stuff like this is sometimes a selfish thing to do. Especially if you know they will be sad by knowing it. Its not like there is anything he can do about it to make it better.

 

[walant]

Best wishes for whatever you decide to do or tell him. Gods blessings.

 

[Digit]

I feel terrible and so disappointed in myself.
For some reason and for the life of me I don't know what or why, but I looked at porn on the internet.
Erotic stories was my first temptation and then next thing I know I am looking at full porn. I have looked at it before a year ago, but nothing at all since.
Why, why did I do this, because this is not how I want to live. So, I have failed God, myself and my husband.

I feel sick and I don't even want to tell my husband though I feel I should. I looked at it and I know it was wrong. I feel like I could throw up, sorry to say that.

Any advice?

Hello,

To be perfectly honest with you I would say that your husband most likely isn't going to think anything major of it, and will most likely be able to relate to the temptation and how you feel currently. He is your partner in this life, and you guys are a team together. You tackle the good and the bad together, and being able to talk about these things will help strengthen your relationship, especially if you are accountable to each other - this really helps in fact.

I would simply sit down and just say you have a confession to make, and then tell him as plainly as you know how. Afterwards I would suggest praying together too, and asking for strength and forgiveness.

That's all it takes. Forgiveness comes from God. Guilt comes from satan.

Digit

 

[FLANDIDLYANDERS]

Porn is one facet of sex, one that is disproportionate and fantasy-based. To recognise our own fantasies is good, but some dont need to be enacted. If it was me, I'd be wondering what unfulfilled fantasy I have - not necissarily sexual, could be a certain job or dream holiday - or maybe it is just frustration with an aspect of yer marriage or how yer spouse is - given that you immediately correlate porn with his reaction.

Only you know for sure, or not

 

[stonek2]

or maybe it is just frustration with an aspect of yer marriage or how yer spouse is - given that you immediately correlate porn with his reaction.

FLANIDLYANDERS,

Well the only thing about us is that I have a higher sex drive and desire alot more than he does. Just for fun sometime, I wish we could have sex everyday for one entire week. My husband likes sex once a week.

Still, this is no excuse for my own behavior I know how wrong I was.

 

[MikeK]

Just tell him, he'll probably think it's hot anyway.

If you really think he won't take it well, approach him with some sadness and tell him that you feel bad an that all you really want is him and that you know you're sorry and that you know you can beat this temptation but you need his help yadda yadda yadda. You'll have confessed to him and you just might get more sex from him too, a win-win.

 

[stonek2]

Mike,
Huh? No my husband will not think me looking at porn as hot and I doubt he will be giving me sex as a result.
I know he will forgive me, but I guess the amount of shame I feel already is really awful.

 

[gracepaints]

I'm going to embarass myself here, but I had to make a similar confession to my husband a few year ago. I wasn't looking at porn but since I was a teenager I've had a real weakness for trashy (and I mean, TRASHY) romance novels. And, no, I wasn't reading them for the plots or overly romantic men. It was for the explicit sex.

I was shocked when my husband didn't think it was a big deal. He agreed that it wasn't right or healthy, but he also didn't condemn me or act like a I was dirty or gross or something. He said that curiosity is a VERY strong drive, especially sexual curiosity and that he thinks anyone given the right set of circumstances could find themselves indulging themselves and getting into bad habits. He himself has never looked at porn, but he also admits that he never had the opportunity. If someone had presented it to him as a teenager, it might be a whole different story.

He also understood that curiosity and habit does not equal the will or desire to cheat. Sure, I was getting off on the stories, but it was a lack of self-control rather than me deliberately looking for a replacement for him.

I don't know if any of that makes any sense, but I gues my point is, don't short change your husband's insight into you and human nature. He could still surprise you.

 

[stonek2]

gracepaints,
My husband has no interest in porn and I'm glad. Even though I have a temptation toward it, I made a mistake.
I too, have a few times read romance novels mainly for the sex scenes and yes it was a turn on.

It seems most couples I know if they do struggle the roles are opposite. Men have higher drive or may be tempted to lust. Now with us it's all me with the temptation and higher drive.

Why can't I just be more pure thinking naturally or something?

 

[gracepaints]

You're fallen. As are we all. Don't feel that you are particuarly sinful or tainted. This just isn't the case. Unfortunately, Christians (and everyone) are too often told that it is men that have the higher sex drive, men who are more tempted by sexual imagery/ideas - and this is just true. I think men are more likely to talk about it, but women are sexual creatures too, often have high sex drives and are often tempted. There is nothing particularly wrong or disturbing by a woman with a higher sex drive and tendency toward sexual temptation than her husband.

 

[stonek2]

gracepaints, Thanks. Honestly I don't think any of my regular girlfriends or woman at church that have this issue. Some of them complain about sex etc to me at times.

 

[Redguard]

stonek2,

If it's any consolation, if MY wife were to approach me with a confession of reading erotica, or viewing "sexual" images, I wouldn't be mad at her.

Why?

1. She told ME. That earns you bonus points!
2. It's sex. We have a naturally instilled desire curiosity to know what it's all about in its many (many) forms.

 

[stonek2]

Anonymous Person,Thanks for the blessings.
I'm new here and still trying to learn how it all works.

 

[SabrinaFair]

gracepaints,
My husband has no interest in porn and I'm glad. Even though I have a temptation toward it, I made a mistake.
I too, have a few times read romance novels mainly for the sex scenes and yes it was a turn on.

It seems most couples I know if they do struggle the roles are opposite. Men have higher drive or may be tempted to lust. Now with us it's all me with the temptation and higher drive.

Why can't I just be more pure thinking naturally or something?

You are human, you messed up. If you have repented, then forgive yourself for messing up, dust off your knees and move forward into victory. Don't wallow in the guilt, the devil would love to keep you right there, beating on yourself and feeling like a failure. We all fall short- but Christ knew that when He died for all our sins.

You are washed in the blood. Forgiven. Receive it and live it for God.

It is good that you think it is distasteful- that is good! It should feel like falling in a pig pen- I know, I've been there- greasy, embarrassing, and yet somehow it can draw us back in weak moments. The key is to know when you are feeling tempted and face that head on with scripture and new habits.

Do you have a scripture that really speaks to you? Use that scripture to stand on if you feel tempted.

If it makes you feel better- Setting the Captives Free has a good online program that really teaches some great scripture for helping line your heart up with God's will.

Today is a new day, live it for God.