How to tell an annoying Person to go away

Stanfordella said:

Please know you have remained in my prayers, even if I'm not actively responding your threads here. I've been a bit stressed out lately and tunnel-focused on matters pertaining to my major (international policy) but I had a long run this morning where my thoughts returned to you. How are you feeling now? I'm unclear as to what capacity you were working with the classmate who is the subject of this thread topic, whether it was an ongoing group project with assignments still to be completed or if at this point you're merely in the same class.

Whatever the case with this specific person, it is likely that other classmates will provoke - in most instances inadvertently - similar feelings of distress and discomfort. I'm writing this specifically in regards to him but I'm hopeful it can be applicable in other contexts.

I think it could be valuable to separate how this classmate makes you feel, and how you label him and his actions. Your feelings belong to you. Others can dispute facts with you, or have a perspective that is in contrast to your own, but your heart only beats inside of your chest, and only you can feel what you feel.

How you describe other people becomes like labels you put onto them. Even if you’re not physically affixing a label to the person or verbalizing your characterization, in your mind it’s how you are categorizing him. That in turn impacts how you regard and treat that person, which can be detrimental to you both. If you’ve decided that he is a creep, then any future behavior of his, regardless of how benign it may actually be, is likely to be construed by you as creepy. That in turn is going to intensify your inner distress at being in the class with him.

Try to sort through the feelings and the labels like you’re making two piles for laundry. This goes here, that goes there. Use the same care you would to avoid having a red sock fall in with a pile of expensive white button-down shirts, like the sort you might wear one day after you've graduated and begun your career. The sock may be small but has the ability to discolor everything. A negative label on someone can similarly discolor your entire perception of him.

Put the basketful of labels out of sight for a while. Then take the one with the feelings, and go through a process similarly to throwing them in the wash, drying them, taking them out and sorting them properly. Don’t just let the feelings be tossed into a jumbled pile that goes unwashed and unorganized, taking up space and creating a tormenting odor in your brain. Pull each one out and examine. Wash away preconceived notions, such as a man who crosses his legs or invites you to grab lunch with him must be gay. Or that if he is, in fact gay, that mere friendliness implies any form of romantic interest in you. Homosexuality is not communicable, it's not a contagion, so being in the presence of someone who is gay will not change your own sexuality. Then air the feelings to dry in the bright sunlight of facts. Your feelings are valid but are likely clouded by your HOCD. Try to consider how someone else who doesn't have HOCD might feel in the same scenario. You and this one classmate aren't the only ones in that class. If he was truly a lecherous, predatory creep behaving inappropriately others would likely lodge a complaint, but nothing you've described here would warrant such a measure.

Then take feelings and see if they can be paired with any actions. Some feelings can't be paired with an action any more than you'd try to wear a sock on one foot and a pair of underwear on the other. Accept what you cannot change. This classmate has the right to be in the class with you. Future classmates and workmates that will similarly frustrate you will also be entitled to be in classes and offices with you. If you're still working on projects together, he has the right to want to organize the time outside of class to collaborate. This doesn't mean he can just dictate when and where you meet, so you do have the right to refuse to have lunch with him, and to set your own terms. Pair your feelings to the actions you can take. You mentioned that there's another person in the group with you, along with this classmate. So if the three of you have projects to be worked on (not sure if that's the case or not), then suggest arrangements for the three of you to meet in a place where you'd be comfortable. Be proactive. It's also your prerogative to not form any friendship with him or anyone else you're not interested in befriending, but it's for your benefit as much as it is his for you to still try your best to have a spirit of charity and kindness. Firmly decline invitations, but do so politely.

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