How strict is too strict??

[sarahleo]

Hello,
I new to cf and I am hoping for some christian advice concerning my 13 year old daughter.The great thing is I am not having any problems with her.She is a straight A student,respectful,helpful,and has a strong faith in the Lord.I am forever grateful for these blessings. My concern is that I may be too strict on her? It seems that many if not all of her friends are allowed to do much more than I allow her to do.I am just so concerned for her safety and innocence.I know I cant shelter her from life.But, I would just like to know What other CHRISTIAN parents think.Here are a few rules we have,

Never allowed to stay overnight at friends houses.(although we always welcome her friends to stay over)

No internet except for school work.
No going to the mall without an adult
No boyfriends
Limited secular music and television.

Any thoughts would be appreciated as I do not have any christian friends with teenagers all of my friends have young children.As I do also have two boys ages 5 and 7

God Bless,
Sarahleo

 

[wanderingone]

Hello,
I new to cf and I am hoping for some christian advice concerning my 13 year old daughter.The great thing is I am not having any problems with her.She is a straight A student,respectful,helpful,and has a strong faith in the Lord.I am forever grateful for these blessings. My concern is that I may be too strict on her? It seems that many if not all of her friends are allowed to do much more than I allow her to do.I am just so concerned for her safety and innocence.I know I cant shelter her from life.But, I would just like to know What other CHRISTIAN parents think.Here are a few rules we have,

Never allowed to stay overnight at friends houses.(although we always welcome her friends to stay over)

No internet except for school work.
No going to the mall without an adult
No boyfriends
Limited secular music and television.

Any thoughts would be appreciated as I do not have any christian friends with teenagers all of my friends have young children.As I do also have two boys ages 5 and 7

God Bless,
Sarahleo

Your rules don't sound dramatically restrictive. When I question if I'm being too restrictive I ask myself not to much what other people are doing but how is my child responding and developing in response to our guidance, restrictions, and freedoms?

Is she questioning the rules placed on her? If so do you have well thought out reasons for why you believe certain rules are in her best interest at this point in her life? Are you willing to listen to her "debate" about why she wants certain rules relaxed or changed if she does approach you about them?

Is she able to pursue personal interests and hobbies? Does she feel restricted from developing her own personality and her own relationship with Christ that isn't just parroting what she is told?

I have a 13 year old daughter as well, and a 21 year old daughter and a 20 year old (step)son. We did not allow "dating" to even be discussed until they were 16. We did acknowledge that children will have crushes, believe themselves to be in love, and call people their "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" and we don't belittle their strong adolescent emotions. Our response when they questioned our restrictions was that when you are young it is SO easy to be distracted from developing into your own person. That at 13 and 14 just taking care of your own needs, being part of a family, handling school work is a heavy load, meeting the needs of another person in a romantic relationship is too much of a burden and regardless of their belief that they were ready to handle that burden we had made a decision to not allow dating until they were older.


We also don't allow sleepovers except with one or two family members. We do allow children to stay at our home. The fact that the majority of the families of the children who stay at our home have never even asked who else lives here besides myself and my daughter, or asked to meet us has left me confident that our choice not to allow our children to spend that night elsewhere has been a good one. Their lack of concern may just be some naive thing, but I find it disconcerting.

We do allow pretty unlimited net use, my daughter runs a web service (designing pages, domain names etc..) that's our choice, I find nothing strange about people restricting net use. When my son didn't follow our rules about what information he could share he was limited to school or research use under our direct supervision only.I do think parents should be aware not allowing it at home doesn't mean it won't happen elsewhere and should still teach their kids what to share or not to share online, and what to do if they encounter distasteful information.

My children were never allowed to go to the mall just to hang out. They were and are allowed to go without parental supervision for a limited period of time. (no more than 2 hours) They must have money to spend I'm not raising mall rats.

We do allow secular music and TV... that's just us. We're media junkies, magazines, radio, TV, the net.. it's nearly 24/7 at my house. Again that's just us. We do limit what it is they can see (well not for the adult kids!) and we do talk constantly about what we see. I don't see anything wrong with expecting children to live with the standards you have for your own entertainment or with deciding certain things are for adults and not for children. My daughter can't watch HBO series, we decided CSI was spending way too much time on sexual fetishes I wasn't interested in discussing with a 13 year old and gave that the zap.

If your daughter is growing in her faith, is able to address the pressures of adolescent life, and able to grow into her own person under your rules I don't think they can be seen as too strict.

Too strict in my opinion is when a child has absolutely no freedom to learn about and explore the world around them, too strict in my opinion is when a child never learns any tools to deal with the world outside their door.

 

[BeanMak]

I made some mistakes with my sons when they were kids. If I had to do it over, I would not have allowed sleepovers, at other houses or ours. And I would have limited mall time. It sounds like you are doing a fine job

 

[ForByGrace]

I think your rules are all reasonable and valid. One issue that often surfaces at this age is modest/immodest attire. If your daughter starts to push the boundaries of what you tolerate, you might consider some rules in this area.

 

[sarahleo]

I think your rules are all reasonable and valid. One issue that often surfaces at this age is modest/immodest attire. If your daughter starts to push the boundaries of what you tolerate, you might consider some rules in this area.

Thanks for the reply. Yes, you are right and this has already become an issue.We have had to set rules.I alwyas try to explain to her why we have the rules we do and i try to back it up with biblical principles.This new issue of attire has been the source of much distress as My husband and differ on what we think is appropriate. He thinks she should wear ankle length parkas. ( not really but you get the point )

 

[tp65]

As long as your rules are changing in accordance to her age and responsibility level, I see nothing wrong. My kids are 12 and 17 (this month).

I have a filter on the internet that tells me how much time my kids spend and what they are doing. They don't find the net too appealing bc it as seen as a tool in our home. I have friends who simply don't allow any internet and their kids are far too curious about it.

Limiting tv is always a good idea, if they are unable to deal responsibly with it.

The mall is undesirable in my eyes bc it looks like a meat market most of the time. Be sure she is old enough and has a reason for going, not by herself either.

Boy-friends have been invaluable to my daughter (she was not allowed to date until 16) but she was quick to find out that boys are less dramatic and emotional and far less needy than girls. They are great as friends, not as love interests at that age.

As for sleep overs, that is a personal decision. My kids have always been allowed to at certain homes. Where I have met the parents and rest of the family. If I am at all leary, they are welcome to come to my home. I do want my kids to know there are other loving authority figures out there who they can go to if need be. It would truly be unfortunate if we were unable to find at least one other home where we could trust our children. Most of my kid's friends also attend church with us and we know their parents/families.

Your motives sound pure and if this is not a power struggle with your daughter then your boundaries are probably correct. If a power struggle comes, just step back and look at the boundaries and see if any are too tight.

We can easily overprotect them and not allow them to make mistakes, but that would be counterproductive. One of my best friends has done this with her kids and once they turned 16 they went wild. I am not anxious about their college years. One keeps mentioning that she can't wait to be out of sight of her mother. She has not learned to deal responsibly with her freedom bc her mother always took the responsiblity away from her by not allowing much freedom.

The fact that you are asking the question proves that your eyes are open to the growth of your daughter and you are not trying to stifle that growth. Each one of our kids are different, what works for one may not work for the other. Let the LORD guide you, what each of us is doing is irrelevant to your daughter.

 

[tp65]

Men have a better idea on what boys are looking at and what impression it gives. Let your husband be your guide. (with maybe a bit of tweaking from you) You will understand his thoughts better when your boys are grown and the girls around them seem to dress far too seductively. constantly tempting them.

 

[Tea]

These are exactly the rules that we use. I do get anoyed though when people just have to comment, and of course in front of the children. Other people are not my childrens parents, nor do they have any responsibility for them.
At present our eldest has just married she is 21. I have living at home, 5 teenagers between the ages of 19 - 13. The eldest two of these are boys. None of our children have dated, and none want to. They have watched their friends, and think dating is for the birds.
If it's working for you keep at it. There will be a few bumpy times, but in the end it is worth it. Don't let other people opinions disuade you. If you give up and do things their way, and things go wrong, I can guarantee that they won't be around to help you pick up the pieces.
Blessings to you.
Tracey

 

[kaalee]

I am the mother of 3 teenage girls (16, 15 & 13). I think your rules are within reason. The only one that I wondered about was the sleeping over at a friends. I understand the concern and, of course, wouldn't recommend it be allowed at a friend's house if you haven't met the parents, but looking at it from the other side gives me a different perspective. My oldest daughter has a friend who's dad is VERY protective of her. He is constantly calling her when she is out to make sure she is where she is supposed to be. He won't allow her to spend the night with us, but will allow her to have my daughter stay with them. My thinking is that if I feel the parents of another child can trust me with their child's safety, why can't I do the same for them? I would make sure I met them before the sleepover and be sure to have a phone number that I can get hold of my daughter. I would also make sure my daughter knows that if anything makes her uncomfortable she can call us at any time and we will come pick her up. (This is very easily done without any embarrassment on their part since they have a cell phone.)

Of course, this is only my opinion. Other than that, I think you are right in line with what a lot of Christian parents are doing to keep their children safe.

BTW, we have been praying about the situation with my daughter's friend and her dad's over protectiveness. Her friend had been talking to him and told him I had been offended when he had called me prior to my daughter's 16th birthday party and asked if there were going to be any boys there. I assured him that it was an all-girl party, but during the party he called the girl and asked her if there were guys there. (Why call and ask me if he wasn't going to believe what I told him?) He called today and apologized and told me that she would be allowed to spend the night with us at any time now. It looks like our prayers are beginning to be answered. I really don't want her to start rebelling because he is holding on too tightly.

 

[TrustingmyLord]

I have 3 daughters and my oldest is 13. I am a newbie at this too. She, as well as my 10 yr old, are allowed to stay the night at a friends house if it is someone I know pretty well. There are a couple of parents I would totally trust with my childrens lives! Then, there are some parents I wouldnt trust to watch my dog! LOL Its just a matter of getting to know the family well enough to have some sort of an idea what their home life is like. I pray about it, and I trust that God will guide me.

TV is somewhat limited. There is MUCH my kids are not allowed to watch, but my husband and I have differeing views on this. He feels that we shouldnt shelter them completely, but of course, there are some things on tv that are totally unacceptable. I, on the other hand, would be fine tossing the tv in the trash and leaving it there! Some shows can be good teaching tools. We flipped across one the other day, some reality show, and it was the perfect time to point how how many teens are very shallow and care about looks only. Then I changed the channel.

Internet is limited as well. We keep the kids computer in plain view so we are always nearby, she cant hide a thing.

My husband is a bit more strict than I am in certain areas, and vice versa. Usually we agree on things.

Here are some of our rules.

We live in a very nice, very small town. My 13 yr old has developed quite nicely and could be mistaken for much older. We do not allow her to go walking, 1 block away, to go to the little store. Only with a grown up. Malls alone? NEVER! (I went with friends as a teen, so I know its bad!)

Sleepovers ONLY with families we know.

No dating till she is 16, or older.

No makeup till 16, with the exception of some powder maybe.

No phone calls after 9pm. Even during the summer. (Hubby is real strict on this one.)

We actually monitor her online activity. We have programs.

My parents didnt leave me home alone till I was 17! I am really weird about this. At this point in time, I am comfortable leaving her home, with doors locked, while I run to the nearby store, for about 5 min. Thats all.

One thing I think is VERY important to realize, is that with our first ones, we are going to be stricter. This is our first time doing this, as really, we dont have much of a clue. LOL Even these rules I mention, they may be changed some in time. I think alot of it depends on how mature your child is at a given age. Each child is different. I believe the firstborns (of either sex) are our guinea pigs, we will learn as we go, figure out what works, then be better prepared with the next child.

I have seen parents with no rules at ALL. I have seen their kids go wild and do what they like. I have also seen that those kids tend to rebel even more than the ones with the strict parents, though I do see there is danger in being overly strict.

My daughter has a friend, another 13 yr old, her bedtime is 8pm. Whenever my daughter says I am too strict, I love pointing that out!

While I think being strict to an extent is the way to go, I think its cucial that that you are flexible, willing to hear out their thoughts and requests, and change rules, or make new ones, as needed.

Good luck to both of us with a 13 yr old. I hear it gets scarier from here on out!

 

[joanna1]

[
It sounds like your daughter can be trusted. I was like your daughter, top of the class, commited christian, a variety of successfull extra-curricular activities... But i still feel, now as an adult, that i SO wish i'd been allowed to be normal. I may have reached adulthood without ever having failed a test, touched a cigarette, owned a secular cd, or been on a date and with a big fat folder full of various certificates and achievements but it left me feeling like a freak.
Part of the problem was i felt i was never allowed to be human - the once or twice i made mistakes (once i got detention in school) i lied to my parents because i was so scared they would die of heart attack if they ever found out. Let her see her friends, definately let her sleep over at friends houses- she'll see it as inconsistent if you invite her friends over but don't let her go to others.
I still feel like i was robbed of my teen years, there are so many things i'll never be able to catch up on.
And i'm saying that from the point of view of a still commited christian who's faith has always been consistent. I know i'll let my kids be human.

ETA One thing i should add is the way your daughter perceives all this is really important. Is she unhappy? My siblings didn't react in the same way as me at all. I was desperate for freedom. My parents were very strict on clothing restrictions; i always thought that if they'd had the faintest clue of the hundreds of hours i'd spent crying myself to sleep about it they'd not have made such a fuss. It was genuine sadness and total incomprehension rather than rebeliousness. They knew when to let me go though - i think they sensed they'd loose me if they didn't! I went and studied as far away from home as possible at the age of 17 and only phoned once a week! That got them trained. Now we speak far more

If you don't trust your daughter more as a result of her beeing trustworthy, what's the point? She'll feel hurt if you don't trust her when she's making such an effort to please you. I often felt like all the effort i was putting in was considered completly "normal" i'd never be able to "impress" my parents. I never dared speak to them about it for fear of sounding silly. In fact my siblings and i achieved so many "things" (academic, artistic...) that my parents would always play our successes down in front of friends for fear of sounding pretentious .... that made me feel really bad.
Maybe i'm sounding a bit harsh but some of the things that you posted sound really extreme to me (like not letting your daughter go to the mall; even my parents let me do my shopping on my own and stay at home alone...) and you're right to think about things - maybe talk to your daughter and find out how she feels, and make it clear she can say if she feels things are unfair. I certainly cary long term consequences of a "too strict " education so i'm sensitive to the topic!

 

[joanna1]

At present our eldest has just married she is 21. I have living at home, 5 teenagers between the ages of 19 - 13. The eldest two of these are boys. None of our children have dated, and none want to. They have watched their friends, and think dating is for the birds.

Is that seriously what you think????? = My parents thought that. In fact the matter was so taboo at home that we'd laugh at our friends dating just in order to be in line with the family frame of mind. Our parents subconsciously made us feel like we'd be silly to want to date so i just felt and kept it all inside although i'd laugh it off in public.

 

[tomfoolery]

Is that seriously what you think????? = My parents thought that. In fact the matter was so taboo at home that we'd laugh at our friends dating just in order to be in line with the family frame of mind. Our parents subconsciously made us feel like we'd be silly to want to date so i just felt and kept it all inside although i'd laugh it off in public.

Joanna1...that is an excellent observation.

Also, frankly, dating is part of growing up. To deprive a child of that seems...well...unnatural. They're going to make mistakes with people they date. Better to get it out of their system early! Better to learn to deal with the opposite sex early! Better to do it while an adult can provide guidance!

 

[BOD]

Joanna1...that is an excellent observation.

Also, frankly, dating is part of growing up. To deprive a child of that seems...well...unnatural. They're going to make mistakes with people they date. Better to get it out of their system early! Better to learn to deal with the opposite sex early! Better to do it while an adult can provide guidance!

Dating isn't altogether bad. The problem is the situations they end up in. Adult supervision & group (not couple) activities are good things to remember to emphasize to the kids.

 

[icbeckyc]

Well I have a 14 and 12 year old daughters. They can definately be tricky. I don't let my daughters go to the mall on their own. I just started letting my 14 goto the movie w/o an adult, but only in a large group and I drop off about 10 min early and I am there before the movie is over. Your rules look great to me. The one I would stick with is the music. I have let go of the music. It's hard when dad listens to secular music. I have made the rule at bed time it's Christian Music. I want her to settle down and not stay wired and if she falls asleep I like the thought she is hearing God and not evil. But good luck and keep strong. Just remember don't worry about the others, as long as she is growing into a strong Christian woman then everything is ok.

Also we have issues with dress. Dad would prefere a full lenght Parka as well. But as long and I don't see butt cheecks and underwear we are doing pretty good. Also no belly buttons shirts, as my youngest use to call them. lol

 

[RedTulipMom]

I really don't think your rules are too strict. I wasn't strict ENOUGH with my son (he is turning 18 in sept) and now him and i both are paying the consequences. i have lots of regrets.

i think it would be better to be too strict than not strict enough. Thats my opinion after my experience with a kid who runs wild and has no respect for authority and has gotten himself into lots of trouble. He has no gratitude or appreciatin for anything. The world owes him. He was spoiled and it shows. Give him and inch he will take 10 feet! Tell him "no" and he will badger you half to death!

i made too many mistakes with the poor kid. My 2 yr old is lucky..i wont make those same mistakes again!
Dont worry about being too strict..worry about being too lenient and ending up with a kid in the hospital or juvey!

 

[tp65]

Too much of either one can be damaging. You have to find the right balance for each kid, not each parent. Go with your heart...your starting this thread may be more of a clue than you think. Perhaps you have been thinking you are too strict, talk to her and find out what she thinks too. Together you will probably make great decisions for her teen years.

 

[Andi @ Cirrutopia]

Dangit I just wrote out a big long reply and accidently deleted it. Anyway, in a nutshell, it said this:

1. Don't concern yourself with what other parents are doing; they're parenting other kids! If you do have concerns about what you posted here, talk to your daughter! You may not have any worries... there's a good chance she's grateful that you've decided to limit her intake of the secular media (even if at one time she wasn't).

2. Though on the one hand, by limiting the secular media that you will sanction in your household, you are clearly demonstrating what of the world you will not support. However, don't be so extreme as to miss out on great opportunities for discussion. Music videos on MTV (ick I know) might spawn great talks... why are they dressed like that? Why is that not biblically sound? Remember, if she wants to minister to her friends well, I think she has to, at least a little, know what kind of garbage they are being exposed to. Watching those tv things or flipping through a teen magazine together could prompt wonderful discussions, possibly making note of 1 Samuel 16:7, Ezekiel 28:17, 1 Peter 3:3-4, 1 Timothy 2:9-10, 1 John 4:4, and 1 John 5:21.

 

[DonVA]

From where I'm standing, there is no such thing as too strict. I'm a single parent with a 14 year-old foster son and am in the process of adopting him. We have been THROUGH it since he arrived here at age 11. Stealing (multiple times, but never prosecuted), lying, discovering a inappropriate content magazine at a local park (another issue entirely...) and planting it at a friend's house (and allowing his friend to take the blame for bringing it into their house), total disrespect of every authority figure he's had since 5th grade, from his teachers, to his YMCA counselors, to his scout leaders, to me, my family, my friends... He's quite defiant and argumentative, despite a list of five rules I gave him to follow in order to earn back his privileges (one at a time...) which included "Do as you're told," and "Offer an opinion only when asked" (which got rid of the "that sucks" responses in a hurry!).

He had been relatively "fine" for the past year, with an occasional teenage outburst which we were able to talk through and come up with alternate "approaches" the next time he's confronted with a similar situation.

Since moving in with me, he has gone from special ed, to the honor roll, to the gifted program, to straight As and an induction into the National Junior Honor Society. He does have ADHD, but with the type of grades he's been pulling, I can't help but think the dosage is right ON.

This summer, he's suddenly decided he was in charge of the adults again. Upon returning from the Y's latest whitewater rafting trip, a counselor pulled me aside (one that LIKES him) and said "his behavior has been HORRIBLE for the past two weeks, and he was his absolute worst on this trip."

I asked him what he had to say for himself and he said "I just can't make good choices."

I corrected him: "You have admitted to knowing right from wrong, and are now REFUSING to make good choices, which IS a form of defiance, and is not acceptable behavior here or anywhere."

As I type this, he's across the table from me writing "I will not speak without permission again" 200 times (for interrupting me during that conversation), and owes me 500 "I will not disrespect anyone at any time" sentences before the end of the weekend. If he's not writing, he can relax in a comfortable dining room chair facing the corner. If he finishes early, there are chores he can get done. And new ones I can add to keep him busy.

We've been working on this for three years, and he's just taken three steps back. I asked him if he thought I've been too hard on him since he's been with me, to which he said, "yes." SO I had to share with him that from where I'm standing, I've not been firm ENOUGH, since the disrespectful, argumentative, and defiant behaviors still exist, just as they did in Kinder-Care, all through 5th grade, 6th grade, band, drama club, forensics, boy scouts, and two years and two summers at the Y.

Game Over. And if I don't stand firm with him, I risk losing him to the same life his mother's fallen into. It has been so difficult to try to undo the damage that woman has done through her abuse and neglect.

Don't worry, I assure him that I do and always will love him, but that he needs to learn that he cannot run over people like he does and expect to get anywhere in this life.

Please pray for him that he will eventually see what an opportunity he's been given. I don't expect any gratitude from him now, and understand that he's lost a lot when he was removed from his mother, but it's been four years since he was taken into care, he's accepted (and agreed) that his future lies with his dad.

With his therapist's help, we are trying to show him that his future success is up to him. If he doesn't want to be homeless again, it's up to him. If he doesn't want to be outside where it's cold, it's up to him. If he wants an address instead of a cell block number, it's up to him.

Am I strict? I think so. Is that what he needs? The social workers, therapist, and psychogists have all agreed that this is EXACTLY what he needs. He has to learn to take responsibility for his own actions, and know that there are always consequences (sometimes good, sometimes bad... depends on the choices he makes). And in turn, for a change, someone is paying attention to him and actually guiding him.

 

[major_minor]

I was in KayBToys in the mall, my son was running around, and I caught him a whipped him 3 times. Some lady informed me I could not do that. It was abuse. She said she worked for social services.
Well, I brushed her off, and I'll be dog gone if not 3 min later, 3 children are tearing thru the store and knocked some toys off the shelf. Guess whos kids. Now, I could have been nice, and prayed for her, but I felt more was needed. My son, who was acting almost perfect smiled, and I told her. "Spare the rod, spoil the child...maybe you should forget spock, and try a switch.
I walked away as she continued fighting them....