How long do I stand?

[Ratmeat]

My wife has left me, she wants a divorce, and is in a sexual affair.

God had said he would bring her home. He said this before she had the sexual relation.

I know that it is my choice now.

I just want to know, how long would you stand on this marriage?

 

[Macx]

After a long process of trying to reconcile mine, I went to my bishop in person (a jorney across several states at that time) I'd been keeping it within the counsil of people close to me. The one or two witnesses that I brought with me per Matthew 18, again, and again, and again. . . and then the next step . . . til finally I was at "bring it before the congregation" and . . . that was time to tell the bishop. I laid it all out & he said - "Your marriage is already over. There is no reason your legal papers shouldn't match the spiritual condition of the marriage". I said "okay, but I want to give it one more shot". I went home, found a note from the dog-sitter saying my wife had gone to spend a long weekend with her boyfriend & to please let her know when I was home so she'd stop coming over to feed the dogs. Not even a note from my wife! I froze the bank accounts and changed the locks the next day. I arranged with friends to give her a place to stay & when she came home to the airport, I was there with a priest. I suggested that we could try and heal the marriage and she would end the affair & come home with me or we could get the papers rolling, she could continue the affair and the preist would drive her to a place for her to stay. I arranged to let her loot the house when I wasn't home & she was able to take whatever she wanted. The paper work only took as long as it did because the lawyers wanted to gouge us for hours and quibble over really insignificant details, that and the 90 day wait in that state.

As always I will encourage you to do everything you can do to save the marriage, so that you can look back at it with a clear conscience, knowing that you did all that you could. For a while that may be your only consolation. Based on what you are saying, I believe you have done all that you can do, but only you can know that of yourself and your own situation with certainty. When you are certain, move forward. God may bless you as He has blessed me, I pray it for you brother - a second wife whose words in daily life bring healing to your heart, who brings you joy & because of whom you can say "cheating on me and leaving me was the kindest thing my first wife ever did for me".

 

[DZoolander]

What do you mean "God said he'd bring her home"? As God knows the past, present and future, since she ain't coming home, clearly He didn't say that. That's what you hoped he would say...I think it's important to be clear on that.

I'd grant her the divorce.

 

[myanchor]

Let her go. If you move on, and neither of you has remarried then maybe God will reconcile you two. But personally I would always be suspicious of her. Protect the children if you have any. Keep them away from her and the dirtbag. Let God work in His time, and let her heart be softened or her neck be broken if she stiffens it. Get alimony, get child support. Don't let her waste it on being trashy.

 

[BarelyBreathing]

Biblically, you have the right to divorce her. If you spouse wants a divorce, and you have done all that you can to avoid one, then I would give her one. Of course this is all very difficult emotionally right now. The thing you need to do most is to protect yourself and your children if you have any. Protect your finances as well. I would go talk to several lawyers, and start documenting everything. I would also recommend you find a Divorce Care group in your area and start attending, even if you aren't yet divorced. It is a Christian group, designed tohelp you as you go through all of this. Even if you aren't yet divorced, it can helpyou and even help you understand the emotional things you are going through.

DivorceCare: Divorce Recovery Support Groups

 

[Easyk]

as above, follow the advice..

 

[taku60]

Biblically, you have the right to divorce her. If you spouse wants a divorce, and you have done all that you can to avoid one, then I would give her one. Of course this is all very difficult emotionally right now. The thing you need to do most is to protect yourself and your children if you have any. Protect your finances as well. I would go talk to several lawyers, and start documenting everything. I would also recommend you find a Divorce Care group in your area and start attending, even if you aren't yet divorced. It is a Christian group, designed tohelp you as you go through all of this. Even if you aren't yet divorced, it can helpyou and even help you understand the emotional things you are going through.

DivorceCare: Divorce Recovery Support Groups

As a female she will likely get custody of the kids and shortly after the courts will take your money by force through child support orders. Unless there are extenuating circumstances like she is smoking crack or in jail the above scenario will likely play out. If you want to protect your finances then you will soon be forced to do work under the table or out of country. I have a friend going through this now and even though his ex wife is evil (passive aggressive, rich daddy to bail her out, etc) but she does not smoke crack or in jail so he had to get a court order for a child custody investigator to prove she was manipulating the kids. Ususally court orders in favor of the female are pushed through right away and make sure payments are made ASAP even if its her fault the relationship fell apart so she can drop the kid off at her moms and go party it up with your money or get her nails done or whatever, if it is something in favor of the male it drags out for a long time, he has been dealing with child support/custody/visitation issues for as long as I have known him about 5 years (maybe you should do some reasearch now and figure out how to tie up child support orders in court because that is the only way you will protect your finances other than working under the table or working out of country), also if you start to incure lawyers fees you might want to think about just getting your own law degree because thats how much of a mess this could turn into. By the time this is all said and done the kids will be 18 and you will be an old man and 6 months before the kids 18th birthday the courts will say hey we finally got around to doing something about your case, oh we just extorted you for 17 years, sorry.

There was a book writen called sexplotation and its about this very topic, next time around you should think twice about the hot blond and go for the plain jane that will treat you right.

This should answer the question of why more and more men are super careful or even totally against getting married or especially having kids. This issue is silently sinking our nation and as more lay offs happen and CSED runs out of suckers to extort the house of cards is going to come falling down. Money does not consense out of the air but this culture and this generation have become leachs and after awhile the host dies.

Back in the day if the money was not there it was not there and if the wife walked out or forced her husband out she was left with the kids and that was all there was to it, if you wanted to be evil you suffered the consequences, now you just issue a court order and bleed someone else, well now with unemployment and lay offs going up pretty soon there will not be a somebody else.

Sorry I just cant stand the diabetic levels of sugar coating some people come up with, this is the real deal. Once the tax revenue drops to such a level that the gov can no longer afford to pay for their bloated gestopo enforcement agencys you will see some grass roots reform this nation desperatly needs.

 

[Easyk]

+1

 

[FLANDIDLYANDERS]

As a female she will likely get custody of the kids and shortly after the courts will take your money by force through child support orders. Unless there are extenuating circumstances ...

Is that really the case over there?! That sucks. Over here whoever is left holding the baby holds the baby Then you apply to court for whatever contact you wish. If it's 50/50 then no-one pays child support to anyone because the burden is shared (as is my case...kinda, I have majority custody).

So double check the laws acording to your country and, in the US, state.

 

[taku60]

Is that really the case over there?! That sucks. Over here whoever is left holding the baby holds the baby Then you apply to court for whatever contact you wish. If it's 50/50 then no-one pays child support to anyone because the burden is shared (as is my case...kinda, I have majority custody).

So double check the laws acording to your country and, in the US, state.

If you can get 50/50 then there is no child support here either but from everyone I have known or heard of that has been through this 50/50 is rare. Also the burden should be shouldered by the one to cause the break up (if he cheated on her for no reason, if she prudes out, etc). The bottom line is the woman usually push for full custody because she can get above and beyond what it takes to raise a kid especially if he makes decent money so she can dump the kid at moms and have plenty of play money to get her nails done or whatever it is she does. The best thing he can do is try not to get divorced and just get his needs met elsewhere unless she agrees to 0 alimony and minimal/nessities only child support, if she wants the farm you should stay married and just get what you need somewhere else (of course having that discussion and then trying to stay married based on what she says is a catch 22, so you either have to take the risk that you might get extorted so you can properly form a new relationship in the future or stay married and mess around on the side and not expose yourself to extreme extortion), thats probalby not the most biblical advice but the position that this nation has put men in is evil.

 

[Macx]

thats probalby not the most biblical advice but the position that this nation has put men in is evil.

Sounds like victim-speak. It is the woman's fault unless it is the country's fault, "whatever it takes so long as it isn't the man's fault". Lord knows, if men were held responsible they might have to make responsible choices or man up after having made irressponsible choices! That might actually obligate men to act like men rather than horny teenage boys, heaven forbid! No, Flandidly, it is not as Taku makes it out in the U.S. his is a view point that is maybe fed by daytime court T.V. maybe fed out of . . . I dunno, the farmyard pen where that large bovine hangs out. It isn't like that in the real world.

 

[taku60]

Sounds like victim-speak. It is the woman's fault unless it is the country's fault, "whatever it takes so long as it isn't the man's fault". Lord knows, if men were held responsible they might have to make responsible choices or man up after having made irressponsible choices! That might actually obligate men to act like men rather than horny teenage boys, heaven forbid! No, Flandidly, it is not as Taku makes it out in the U.S. his is a view point that is maybe fed by daytime court T.V. maybe fed out of . . . I dunno, the farmyard pen where that large bovine hangs out. It isn't like that in the real world.

If you look back into the old testimate extortion and coruption is how alot of nations fell, extorting money from a particular gender is a national issue and typically the money flow is from the man to the woman, it does not matter what your opinion is thats a fact. The concept of manning up is a feable attemtp to control people and get them to accept less than desirable circumstances for nebulus reasons, not exactly a bull dog mentatlity which is what I grew up with. So what if you are horny and want a woman thats how God designed us, however women who exploit and extort that fact are the ones who are evil. Im not disagreeing that there are men out there that cheat and do other such things to undeserving women but thats not the topic here, or at least what the topic has morphed into.

 

[FLANDIDLYANDERS]

With respect, my understanding legally is that in the case of DIVORCES the issue of fidelity and who 'caused' the break-up is pertinent. In LEGAL CUSTODY HEARINGS it is less so (inasmuch that it does not relate directly to the well-being of the children).

Over here custody is granted up to 50% where there is agreement and the children are safe, rather than dictated by who started what.

THE ONLY VICTIMS IN DIVORCE ARE THE CHILDREN. If you dont have any then you're lucky.

 

[Macx]

With respect, my understanding legally is that in the case of DIVORCES the issue of fidelity and who 'caused' the break-up is pertinent. In LEGAL CUSTODY HEARINGS it is less so (inasmuch that it does not relate directly to the well-being of the children).

Over here custody is granted up to 50% where there is agreement and the children are safe, rather than dictated by who started what.

THE ONLY VICTIMS IN DIVORCE ARE THE CHILDREN.

That is the case in the U.S. as well. Though many states have "no fault" divorce . . . which is kinda like being severed from an "At Will" employer (where you can be fired for any reason or none). There the court is allegedly interested only in equitable severance, though just like the employer, there is usually some articulated "reason", even if it is a lie.

Best interest of the children should always trump all other considerations . . . what is fair, who's at fault, all of that jive should take a back seat to the best interest of the children. I consider having children one of the greatest joys of life. When I hear someone talk about trying to weasel out of caring for their children, you have to understand, I am reading it and picturing my daughter's face. My daughter who prompts strangers to comment, everywhere we go, "how cute", "how well behaved", "what pretty eyes", etc. The idea of denying her anything just so I could have another toy offends my deepest sensibilities. I can't imagine that changing if her mother and I ever parted ways. That is how it should be, anything else is some twisted materialistic corruption . . . it smells like infection.

 

[taku60]

That is the case in the U.S. as well. Though many states have "no fault" divorce . . . which is kinda like being severed from an "At Will" employer (where you can be fired for any reason or none). There the court is allegedly interested only in equitable severance, though just like the employer, there is usually some articulated "reason", even if it is a lie.

Best interest of the children should always trump all other considerations . . . what is fair, who's at fault, all of that jive should take a back seat to the best interest of the children. I consider having children one of the greatest joys of life. When I hear someone talk about trying to weasel out of caring for their children, you have to understand, I am reading it and picturing my daughter's face. My daughter who prompts strangers to comment, everywhere we go, "how cute", "how well behaved", "what pretty eyes", etc. The idea of denying her anything just so I could have another toy offends my deepest sensibilities. I can't imagine that changing if her mother and I ever parted ways. That is how it should be, anything else is some twisted materialistic corruption . . . it smells like infection.

I have to disagree, I think you are overly emotionalizing just like alot of other people do and that is how we got to where we are today. Its not about support vs no support its about the extent of support and what is actually required to raise a kid and the courts issue payment orders that are way over that amount just because the male parent is a high wage earner. Regardless of how you want to dramatize it thats extortion just like the save the kids in africa crap, sure some money goes to the kids but not before they skim some off the top just like most women do in child support amounts. So what if I want to buy toys thats my perogative, I have wanted to fly since I was 7 years old.

 

[Macx]

I have wanted to fly since I was 7 years old

That is the heart of the matter. You are approaching the topic like a 7 year old, that doesn't want to share his toys. You would slight your own child to make sure that the child's mother doesn't get to play with any of "your" stuff.

Regardless of how you want to dramatize it thats extortion just like the save the kids in africa crap, sure some money goes to the kids but not before they skim some off the top just like most women do in child support amounts.

Ahem, WHAT?!!??

save the kids in africa crap

excuse me,

• <LI itxtvisited="1">Main Entry: ex&#183;tort <LI itxtvisited="1">Pronunciation: \ik-&#712;sto&#775;rt\ <LI itxtvisited="1">Function: transitive verb <LI itxtvisited="1">Etymology: Latin extortus, past participle of extorqu&#275;re to wrench out, extort, from ex- + torqu&#275;re to twist &#8212; more at torture
• Date: 15th century

: to obtain from a person by force, intimidation, or undue or illegal power : wring; also : to gain especially by ingenuity or compelling argument

When were you forced or intimidated into sending money to Africa, via undue or illegal power? Along that vein, when has a man been extorted regarding child support amounts?

courts issue payment orders

Hhmmm, courts, where law is practiced. . . what was that definition of extortion again? If you turn roughly 180 degrees you will be aproximately right on course on this topic.

So what if I want to buy toys thats my perogative, I have wanted to fly since I was 7 years old.

I think you should go for it. One of my . . .. homosexual friends has bought a nice plane instead of having children & he seems very happy with it.

 

[taku60]

That is the heart of the matter. You are approaching the topic like a 7 year old, that doesn't want to share his toys. You would slight your own child to make sure that the child's mother doesn't get to play with any of "your" stuff.

Ahem, WHAT?!!?? excuse me, When were you forced or intimidated into sending money to Africa, via undue or illegal power? Along that vein, when has a man been extorted regarding child support amounts? Hhmmm, courts, where law is practiced. . . what was that definition of extortion again? If you turn roughly 180 degrees you will be aproximately right on course on this topic.

I think you should go for it. One of my . . .. homosexual friends has bought a nice plane instead of having children & he seems very happy with it.

Unfortunatly I dont understand a word you wrote, its almost as if you quoted my post and the responded to a completely different post.

 

[Macx]

Just hitting the high points:

What you relay is a gross misunderstanding of American civil courts systems, a materialism that is not representative of an adult point of view, and a confession that you, like my . . . homosexual friend have chosen expensive toys over living breathing children. Post #16 was a commentary on post #15, letting your words speak for themselves.

 

[taku60]

Just hitting the high points:

What you relay is a gross misunderstanding of American civil courts systems, a materialism that is not representative of an adult point of view, and a confession that you, like my . . . homosexual friend have chosen expensive toys over living breathing children. Post #16 was a commentary on post #15, letting your words speak for themselves.

I stated that I do not agree with no support I disagree with the extent of support that courts impose, I dont have a misunderstanding of court systems I simply disagree and I think alot of other people do as well hence why so many modify there lifestyle to work under the table and other such things when they are slammed with unreasonable court orders, people who are being extorted still have to live and when the courts force a man to quit his job becuase he can not keep enough of his income to live as he would like that is a big problem. Thats about all I can say because I dont understand the rest of your statements.

 

[Macx]

being extorted still have to live and when the courts force a man to quit his job becuase he can not keep enough of his income to live as he would like

The two bolded portions of this quote don't line up. They aren't being extorted by a legal process, nor is "it isn't how I'd like it" a viable excuse to fail at manhood.