Thank you.
Was there anything in particular that made you want to change to the Wesleyan theological view?
Thanks, for the advice re: 'conform'. I wrote that quickly, but i should clarify I would not just change views on scripture should a well spoken teacher come along.
Well there's a lot of things. In reality I could write pages and pages on the reasons why. I'll give the 'readers digest' version as best I can, but feel free to ask questions if you want me to expand on something.
When I was very young, I was a United Methodist. I was baptized in the UMC, at attended a UM Church until I was about 8 or 9 years old. At that time, my parents moved to a Southern Baptist Church. We had moved to a new town, and that's the church they picked. My mom is now back in a United Methodist church and my parents are divorced (my dad lives in another state; don't know if/where he is attending church). She came back some time after I did (I became a United Methodist before they were divorced).
When I was about 12, I was told that my baptism didn't count. That I didn't know what it was when I was a baby so I needed to be re-baptized. Made enough sense to me so I consented, and was dunked into a big baptismal pool by a Pastor up in front of a congregation. My grandmother, a United Methodist Elder (An Elder is an ordained Pastor) was pretty upset about that. I never knew why. I assumed because she was the one who baptized me (It's pretty customary in the UM Church to baptize and marry your relatives even if they aren't members of your church), and she got her feelings hurt because I was "re baptized".
I would often spend the weekends with my grandmother. So, I would often attend a United Methodist Church (whatever church she was serving). I liked her sermons, but she was my grandma. In my perspective as a kid, there wasn't much of a difference between the two. But one thing I noticed, was a difference in communion. At my grandmas church, there was a lot of reverence, a lot of prayer. They also said the same words every time which I thought was kind of cool. They also did it all the time, and I got to come to communion even though I was a Baptist. Conversely, in my Baptist church, we only did communion once every few months, there was no reverence, it just seemed like a mundane thing. The Pastor said a quick prayer but didn't really seem to do anything with the elements and we had it after church. Only a few people stayed for communion, and only members of the church were allowed to have communion. (Side note: Those practices were practices of my local church and not necessarily a reflection of all SBC's, but it was enough to get me thinking about things like Communion and Baptism)
As I got older, I really started to wrestle with these things. I started to wrestle with the way my baptist congregation read the Bible. Like it was a literal word-for-word instruction manual like what you'd find for assembling a kids toy. If anyone challenged or questioned this, asked questions about the context or history in which the scripture was written; they were often told that those questions were just "Satan entering us" or "God testing our faith". In the back of my head I used to always think "Why don't you just say 'I don't know', it's okay not to know, instead of these lame excuses". It started to feel like the church was a lot about rhetoric repeated by the last generation or so. I loved God and had such a yearning to know more about the Bible. But, my baptist friends just told me EXACTLY what the Bible said and didn't seem to leave room for any other understandings. I wanted to know everything about God, and I just wasn't convinced that the Bible could be that simple, that easy. It wasn't that I disagreed with any of it. In fact, back then I had the same fundamentalist, ultra-conservative views the rest of them did. It truly was that I just did not think the Bible was that simple of a book. It seemed more complex.
Fast forward to age 15. By this time, I'm really struggling with my faith. Not doubt. But struggling with what I was supposed to do with my faith. I felt God wanted me to do something but I didn't know what it was. This was a yearning I'd felt all my life, and can remember all the way back to being a small child at age 5 or 6 and talking to my Pastor at the UM church we attended when I was that age. I told him I felt like God wanted me to do something and I wanted to make God happy. That it felt like when you know you're supposed to do your chores for your parents, they don't have to tell you to do it, you just know it's supposed to be done. Only I don't exactly know what that chore is this time. The UM Pastor told me that God has jobs for everyone, and when I get older, I'll know what my job is. At age 15, I really started to reflect on that yearning that seemed to be "flaring up". I went on a Chrysallis flight; a Wesleyan-esque retreat for youth that is the child of the Emmaus movement. If you don't know what those are, I strongly encourage you to look them up! While it is open for all denominations, it is very Wesleyan in it's understanding and theology.
While on this retreat, I was like a kid in a candy store. It seemed like every talk was an answer to questions I had for so many years. Talks about Prevenient Grace; I knew there had to be more to salvation than just me praying a prayer; now I finally heard someone say that God was seeking me beforehand. Not passively wanting me, but actively working on me, DOING THINGS inside of me, trying to lead me to him. Then I learned more about Justifying and Sanctifying grace. That salvation leads to good works, leads to us working to become more Holy. It's not about sinning and then asking for forgiveness, it's about striving, struggling, clawing, begging to become more Holy and more Christ-like. I received communion after hearing it talked about in a way I'd never heard it talked about before. With passionate reverence and talking about it as a means of Grace, as a way God is at work. Not just a symbol or tradition, but as a very real way God is working in my life. I took communion and cried at the altar. I wasn't ready for that kind of emotion. That's because that was the day communion stopped being a symbol for me to do because everyone else was doing, and became for me an outward sign of a very real, very powerful inward Grace.
Time continued and I continued to be very committed to the Chrysalis movement, even delivering some of the talks. Now I was in full-fledged study mode. Over the next couple of years I poured over Wesleyan theology, the sermons of John Wesley, and I began to study the scripture in the light of Scripture, Tradition, Reason and Experience. I was closer to God than I ever had been. At about age 17 I decided I was going to follow a boyhood dream. My whole life, there were two things I could never get out of my head. God, and airplanes. I decided I was going to become a commercial pilot. I enrolled in a flight school, intending to get my Bachelors in Aviation along with my Commercial Pilots License. I was so amped up and ready! When I made that decision, I had decided that God will use me, somehow, in aviation. Maybe God will put me in the path of people in other parts of the world who need to hear the message of Grace... or something. As I progressed though, it felt hollow. I was really struggling with my decision. It gave me so much joy, but it didn't feel right.
One more year, age 18. Senior in high school, giving yet another talk on yet another Chrysalis weekend. In this talk, I discussed my yearning to do the work of God my whole life, my growth in faith and how I fell in love with the Sacrament of communion. How it became a passionate, heart-wrenching, convicting, sorrowful-joyful way to be in communion with my Lord. After 'previewing' my talk with a few other team members before the weekend, one individual, an ordained United Methodist Pastor wrote something down while we were listening to another talk, and handed it to me. It said "Do you think you could be called into the ministry". I wrote down, "No" and passed it back. Fast forward to the weekend. That little piece of paper made me so angry. Why is it that just because I feel called to do ministry does every preacher think I have to be just like them? Why is it that I can't just be valuable as a lay person? I was honestly upset, offended, by his question. But it tugged, pulled, yanked on my heart. At that weekend, I prayed to God for hours. What, God, are you calling me to do. By the end of that weekend, after much soul searching, I sat next to this same Pastor and looked at him and said "You were right", and he just smiled.
I decided to discontinue my flight schooling and instead go to college to become a Pastor. I had not yet graduated high school. Only I never did get to call them. You see, over that same weekend, the flight school had closed. Instructors all fired, buildings foreclosed on, planes repossessed (you can't make this stuff up). The planes they used were leased from private owners. It's a win-win. They use your airplane a couple months out of the year, and lease it for enough money to cover a lot of the costs associated with owning it. Only, they had a bad habit of not paying. For years. A few lawsuits later, and they are underwater. Well, talk about affirming your decision! I also found out that UM Pastor I had chatted with as a kid about yearning to do something more was Pastoring a church near me. I left my Southern Baptist church and began attending that church, all alone! My entire family attending another church. That Pastor got me in touch with my District Superintendent (all of the churches are connected, Pastors are appointed by the district; not hired by the church. The District Superintendent is the "next office" beyond a Pastor, and is responsible for supporting and managing the Pastors and their churches). I met with her at a coffee shop (Oh, the 'her' thing is important too. I always struggled with the Baptist theology that women could not be called by God. I didn't think that was scripturally valid, and it didn't feel right. It was a looong list of things that led me to the UMC.) We talked for a couple of hours, she assigned me to a "mentor" and the rest is history.
I am now still in school, and currently serving under appointed at a United Methodist Church as a Local Pastor. Eventually, I'll be Ordained an Elder.
The reality is, I was always a Wesleyan Christian. I always felt that the Bible should be understood through the Holy Spirit, not just read and believed in one interpretation. I always struggled with close-mindedness and the idea that challenging our faith was sinful or that it was just us "being tested". Wesleyan Christian not only affirm, but encourage careful reflection of our own faith and studying. I believe that God is big enough to call a woman to ministry, and so does the United Methodist Church. Finally, as I got older, I began to regret consenting to that Baptism. I believe that Baptism is an unrepeatable Grace. God was present at my baptism (at an infant) and didn't screw it up. He got it right. I didn't need to fix it. Communion remains an essential part of my faith. The Sacrament of Communion remains the most crucial act of Worship for me. It is tremendously important to me. It's important to United Methodists as well. The UM understanding of communion resonates so well with who I am. Christ has set a table. I cannot wait to proclaim to the world that it's been set; come and eat until full. That fits my soul so much better, than another quarter has come around, let's all the members come around and take communion. Do it quickly though, it's time to get out of here! While not all Southern Baptist churches feel that way about communion; the beauty of a connectional church like the UMC is that ALL UM Churches believe the same essential things about communion.
Finally, I was really attracted to the idea of a connectional church. The idea that the church should be, as it was in the Scriptures, interconnected, led by God and those God has called to lead it. The Pastors should be tested, trained, and educated. The laity should be encouraged to be active in ministry. Ordination should be for those who have dedicated themselves to active ministry in a church; conferred at the hands of a Bishop. Not just given by anyone who gets a church of 8 people to vote them in.
I love and respect the ministry of my Baptist friends. But this is most certainly where my heart belongs!