how do I fix this?

[BrodyAl1]

Hi all,

Since learning last year that I have Aspergers has really made me understand so much of my life - the difficulties, the anxieties, the obsessive interests, etc. It was the missing piece of the puzzle, but a frustrating piece.

Here's my dliema. I have a friend at work, casual at best, but we've known each other over 20 years. Two years ago his daughter died in an accident, and, out of caring and concern, I reached out, seeking to be his friend. Our conversations now have nothing to do with his loss (though I am willing to listen if he needs a sympathetic ear).

As I sought to be a supportive friend, I kind of became consumed with it, and it became an obsession. In researching, I have found that becoming obsessed with a person can happen to people with Asperger's. What I would do it pass by his ofice, if his door was open, I'd stop in to chat for a few minutes. Back after his loss, we talked almost every day, now it is once a week, and again, we don't talk about his loss, usually the Yankees, what we're doing over the weekend, etc. His office is right on the way to the bathroom, so i pass it a few times a day.

Also, I have grown fond of him - kind of a brohterly love kind of way, not a gay thing or anything like that (I say that because I know how it may sound to some people).

Every now and then, espeically when he doesn't talk much, I worry that somenow he picked up on my obsession, or my deeper feelings for him. He has never said anything to indicate that, but I worry about it sometimes. I really wish I knew how he really felt about me - if he considers me a friend or an annoyance, but we never really know where we stand with anyone.

Okay here's my question - if it is the worst case scenario - if he felled stalked at all, misunderstood my feelings, etc, how do I fix it?

Its tricky, if he never picked up on any of that, I won't want to apologize for something that never entered into his mind. I honestly have backed off a bit - if I talk to him Monday, for example, I won't even try to talk to him again until Thursday or Friday. And if he considers me a freind and i am just being my paranoid self, I don't want to back off needlessly.

Last month I was out sick for a week and had a couple of days off as well, when I saw him after cmoing back, he said "where have you been?" so I guess if he didn't like me coming by, he wouldn't have asked that.

If I just act normal, not getting too "clingy" (for lack of a better term), is there a chance that he could forgive the obsessive behavior (if he ever thought that at all)?

Thanks in advance!

Brody

 

[guitarmonster]

Dude it sounds like you have yourself a really good friend there, and it sounds like you did a great thing for him. I can't even imagine how he felt when he lost his daughter, but you were there for him and that means so much more than people think. There is nothing wrong with having a really close friend, even if you feel like this friend is more like a brother. I think the real issue is you are thinking too much, you have a great friendship so enjoy it. You will be surprised how hard it is to find a good friend, I mean it's so ridiculously hard that it isn't even funny. The fact that you were there for him at his absolute darkest hour (the death of his daughter) he probably feels strongly towards you as well, I mean how could he not. You did a great thing by being there for him, it's not easy to comfort a parent who has lost a child, and now you are reaping the benefits of what you have done. Don't over analyze it, just roll with it. And sometimes take the time to say "you know, I want you to know that you are one of the best friends I have ever had", don't worry about keeping up your macho thing. So many guys lose out on friendships because they are tripping over themselves trying to be as macho as they can, I just don't get it. I have no idea why guys get so weird when it comes to friendships. I had a guy friend who used to flat out tell me he loved me, and he used to hug me all the time. We agreed we both looked at each other like we were brothers, nothing wrong with that. In my opinion the whole anti-gay agenda has made men lock themselves up tighter and tighter, where they are just so afraid of making a gay misstep that they sacrifice just about anything to please their inner homophobia. This is why we have fathers who can't even tell their sons that they love them. Let it go and enjoy your best friend, go to ball games together, go fishing, play cards together, just do what friends do best and you will be fine.

 

[BrodyAl1]

thank you for the kinds words and the very nice reply. I am trying to be a good friend, and I hope he sees me as one. After his daughter died, I just felt so sad for him, that I had to reach out and be there for him, even though he has a lot of family and close friends. It's true - it is hard to find a good friendship. It is also hard to comfort a grieving parent - it was definitely a learning esperience, and I did move outside my comfort zone, but honestly, I couldn't let my fears outweigh his need for support.

you're right, I should just enjoy the friendship and stop over-thinking/over-annalyzing it. I did tell him a while back that I think of him like a brohter, and he appreciated that. I think our friendship is still in the growing phase, and it is nice.

Thanks again - your reply made my day!

 

[dayhiker]

Hi Brody,
Welcome to CF.
Sounds like me like you handled things well with this man, you were there when he needed you and then you backed off to once or twice a week. That isn't obsession in my mind.
It would help us understand him if you commented on how he relates to some of the other men in the office. Also, are you thinking that way because he never stops by your office to talk with you?

 

[BrodyAl1]

thanks! I guess it isn't as bad as I fear, I did back off to once or twice a week passed after a few months, as he seemed to need that steady support less than right after the tragedy (though he does have good days and bad days, probably always will).

He does relate more/better with some of the ohter men in the office, mainly because they are all big sports fans like he is. I am a casual Yankee fan, but I really don't know enough about baseball to have an in depth conersation about it.

He doesn't initiate contact with me - but then again, neither do most of my other friends there. When he is on break, he usually goes downstairs to talk to his girlfriend, which I definitely understand.

Hi Brody,
Welcome to CF.
Sounds like me like you handled things well with this man, you were there when he needed you and then you backed off to once or twice a week. That isn't obsession in my mind.
It would help us understand him if you commented on how he relates to some of the other men in the office. Also, are you thinking that way because he never stops by your office to talk with you?

 

[dayhiker]

I understand the sports thing. I watch a game sometimes on the tube, but I never erad the sports section of the newspaper.

Sounds like the relationship is in a steady state. I keep those relationships going now, buy keeping up some contact just like your doing.

 

[LovedSparrow]

Hi Brody!
It's ironic, I am going through the same thing at the moment! You are so right about it being an Aspie thing. For me, it is for a teacher/mentor woman friend that I look up to. I see her as a mother figure to me. I also struggle with obsessive thoughts about her, wanting to be around her all the time, and having a deeper love for her. She holds me accountable and gives me consequences, something my parents struggled with.

Something she's taught me (also ironically) is to be careful that we don't make idols out of people. We tend to put them on a pedestal, and look up to them too much. We need to check our hearts and ask, "Am I expecting this person to meet my needs?" Or, "Am I putting this person in God's place?"

I've had God remove me from a few friendships for a little bit because I was relying on them too much. Once I took a step back, I realized I had put them in an unhealthy place. A few times, God removed the person from my life (different churches, changing jobs, moving away). It was only then I realized they had become an idol to me. I put God as the center of my life again, and sometimes the person returned, but the relationship was healthier.

I'm not saying this is so with your friend, only you can answer that. Pray about it. Ask God to reveal your heart to you, maybe your motivations. Ask God to fill that place in your heart.

I'm still trying to understand this quote, but this teacher said it. "Love people more, need them less." Meaning, find our needs met through God. Love people and have deep friendships, of course.

I tend to be black and white. I'm either too guarded with people, or I'm finding I obsess over them. I don't know how to balance the middle (healthy) ground.

Best of luck to you. You are not alone. I've struggled with this all my life. I have a good relationship with my Mom, but she is not a Christian. I attach to older women whom I look up to as mother figures. If I do that, I worry also, do they think I'm too clingy? Then I back away and don't know if it's confusing to them. I also want to know what they think about me! Then I wonder if they hate me and then I pull away.

I'm glad you have this friendship in your life! It's a God given blessing to you. I'm not sure how to handle the situation- did he notice you pulling away and got confused? Ask God for wisdom how to handle the situation. Watch for times you may think too much of him.

It sounds like you are doing the healthy thing. To me, it doesn't seem like an obsession.

Keep us updated if you'd like!

Really good advice, guys!
LovedSparrow