How do I approach my wife's addictions

[stephen1964]

I have a wife who has a serious substance abuse problem. She has been diagnosed with depression and is taking an anti-depressant, but is also "self medicating" herself with alcohol and marijuana every day.

When we first met I engaged in these behaviors with her, but have gradually quit all drugs (including cigarettes) and drink very occasionally. She on the other hand is still doing these things.

She is a committed Christian but sees nothing wrong with these habits. In the past when I have voiced my concern about them; she accuses me of being over-pious and judgemental. She thinks that I do not accept her as she is because I don't approve of her behavior, or like her hanging around with her partying friends.

So my question is: Is there a gentle loving way for me to encourage her to quit without getting her all defensive?

 

[jayswife29]

I would have to say the most gentle way to encourage her is to pray for her and let God do the dirty work. She can get as defensive as she wants with God, but He can handle it, and must be you can too for God gives us what we need to get through situations. I have gone through and am going through similar problems with my spouse, but I have to learn to let God have His way, and just pray in His will, it will be done. It's not an easy thing to go through, its not an easy thing to counsel someone on either, I know it says in the bible to lovingly confront a sinner, being truthful. I for one find this hard to do, since no matter how lovingly I approached someone, he ended up defensive, and argumentative. Pray, Pray, Pray

 

[jessiegirl]

I sound a lot like your wife except I quit drinking a long time ago. People who have addiction problems like to put loved ones on the defensive or become agitated because it takes the attention away from the problem. I agree with jayswife...pray, pray, pray. That is how I quit drinking. The more I drank the more ashamed I became and it became a vicious circle. I would tell her in a very calm manner that you love her, but she has a serious problem and you will help her in anyway you can. If she becomes angry and starts to blame you, don't argue with her. I don't know if you have kids, but I also didn't want to let my kids down and have them think badly of me. Jesus saved me and continues to bless me everyday. I will pray for you!!

jessiegirl

 

[stephen1964]

Thanks for the thoughtful advice. Yes, we do have two young children (6 & 8) and that definitely makes the issue more critical. My wife has an ability to see what she wants to see and pretend that the kids have no idea about her "secret life". In a way I have allowed her to keep this illusion by not telling her about various comments I have overheard because I knew they would devastate her. Also she would probably accuse me of prompting them.

Trust me, I am in constant prayer about this. As I said, my wife is also a Christian so we do have that common foundation to help us deal with this. Somehow she rationalizes her drug/alcohol use and does not see the conflict with her faith; but I think that is one symptom of the addiction.

 

[Suzannah]

hello there! I want to encourage you that there is great hope here for your wife. She has the faith, and therefore, eventually, she will have no choice but to return to it! I see great hope here! Don't despair! and the others are right: pray, pray, and pray some more!

And here's the kicker: tell your wife you are praying for her. No earthshattering lecture. Just a simple: "Honey, I am praying for you." the next time she tries to justify herself. And then walk away (preferably to a quiet place where you will sit down and really pray hard.)

There is great hope for this! Really, there is!

 

[whitestar]

Please DO NOT cover for her...this is being co-dependant and actually helping her in her addiction. The kids know... They may not know what she is doing, but they can see the change in her when she uses.

This can devasate your family if something isn't done. I would also check the children for signs of abuse. I know you do not want to hear this, but someone under the influence cannot control their emotions like someone who is sober.

What if one of the kids makes her mad sometime and she starts spanking them and her anger gets out of control..and she just keeps hitting them? Check them for signs of physical abuse AND emotional abuse....you can tell the emotional abuse by them being fearful, nightmares, being worried too much about making mom mad...thinking they are 'bad' and so on.

Go get Co-dependant no more...its a real eye opener.

Get as much information on this addiction as you can...you are in for a spiritual battle...be prephared. Your family and your children are at stake here.

I will do a search for you on Dr. Dobson's website too...he usually has really good sound Christian information on anything that affects the family.

I am truly truly sorry you are going through this. I was married to a man who was an acholoic and drug user and the verbual and emotional abuse my son and I went through was terrible. Especially for my son...who at age five wanted to kill himself because of the terrible things he saw his dad do and the things his dad said to him..alot of which his dad doesn't even remember because he was too drunk too.

Its taken my son many years to recover from the abuse and he was not beaten either. Words hurt and cause terrible fears in children. They also have the children lie for them too and the children will lie to you out of fear and thinking mom will love them and be nice, if they do.

Open your eyes dear...and really see how bad it is. You aren't alone in this...the Lord will be with you.

God bless
whitestar

 

[whitestar]

http://www.family.org/docstudy/solid/a0015078.html

Here is one artlice on his website, though its about a wife married to an alcholic...but the answers to her problems would apply to you too...just reverse it is all. You can do a search on here too for more information. One thing that really stood out when I was reading this...is this disease doesn't just affect one person in the family...its affects the WHOLE family...and it does.

Read and read some more...go to Alon meetings and pray for the Lord guidance in this. Most of the time the Lord needs us to do more then just pray...He will tell you what to do...listen to Him. We can't just sit around and let God do the work...sorry but the is not how it works.

May the Lord bless you and give you the strength you need.

God bless
whitestar

 

[jessiegirl]

I agree with a lot of what has been said. As I said, I was your wife at one time. I think if my husband had calmly and lovingly told me he was very concerned and he was praying for me, I would have done something sooner. The more I drank, the more ashamed I would become. It would have been so nice to have some one to lean on. Again, don't argue with her. Walk away and pray when she starts to blame you for ANYTHING. As far as your kids go... mine were around 10 and 13. My oldest daughter approached me and asked me to stop. I knew I had to stop. And much later she told me her dad had told her to talk to me. I might have been mad at the time. But now I'm through it, I am greatful he did do it. I now talk openly with my kids about it. I tell them why I did it...how awful it feels...how painful it is... and how sorry I am. Since these kind of problems tend to run in families, I think it is very wise for the children to be aware and be able to talk openly about it. I could be wrong, but I honestly don't think my kids will even be social drinkers because they have seen how ugly it is. And I do thank God everyday for helping me stop. And it wasn't hard for me to stop. I had no counciling. Just my faith in Jesus.

jessiegirl

 

[stephen1964]

Again, thanks for all the advice and support. I am turning this over to God; but still doing my part and confronting the issue rather than passively letting it happen. My parents are taking the boys for the weekend, so this looks like a good time to bring it up. Please pray for us both, as I think this could be a very rocky discussion. I will keep all your advice in mind.

Peace be with you,
-Stephen

 

[jessiegirl]

I'll be praying for you over the week-end. Let us know how it goes.


jessigirl

 

[4GivnGrrl]

Dear Stephen;
I hope that someday your wife will realise how much you love her, and I also pray that someday she will be able to SHOW YOU how much she loves you. I am a recovered Alkie/Druggie, myself, and I can assure you she is not continuing down that road b/c it's still fun. More than likely, she just doesn't know what else to do. Nothing will fill that hole in an addict's gut.....nothing, that is, except a relationship with the One Most High (pun intended! lol) Lord GOD. I pray that you will go to a few links re: recovery, addictions, and codependancy, and I know you will be blessed through them.I urge you to go to www.newlife.com first. It is a christian site, and deals with all kinds of addiction-type things. Blessings, and don't be afraid to KEEP ON reaching out for help!
Free2B/aka/
4GivnGrrl

 

[wvmtnkid]

Praying for you Stephen! You guys will be in my thoughts this weekend.

 

[pmarquette]

So my question is: Is there a gentle loving way for me to encourage her to quit without getting her all defensive?

1. love her where she is , take need to God
2. take authority over your marriage , bind up these spirits of
bondage [ Jesus / Holy Spirit . destroyed the yoke ]
3. a part of growing up in Christ , some of us take a bit longer
[ put away my childish things ]
4. ask , sincerely , what can I do better , differently , or change ? strive to become who you should be [example] and believe God can and will turn her around .
5 make an appointment to talk with , counsel with minister

 

[Ampmonster]

get her of the depression medication.

 

[stephen1964]

To summerize our conversation this weekend, I told her that WE need to address her dependence on alcohol and pot, and emphasized that I would do all I could to help her. The zinger was that I also told her that our older son had made comments to the effect that he knew she had a drinking problem.

Right now I'm getting the silent treatment. She really didn't get beligerent or even try and argue, but just turned off and ignored me. She did eventually say that she would look into getting help.

At this point I'm backing off a little to see what happens.

 

[jessiegirl]

This could be really good. Her being silent could be that she has really is facing her problems. She is feeling a lot of pain to medicate her self like this. I know the pain. I think you handled it great! I will pray for her.

jessiegirl