How can I stop lusting after my best friend?

[aiki]

Hello all this is my first time here. I'm a 20 year old guy a college student. I've never had a girlfriend and don't expect to ever get married because I've always been incredibly shy and rather strange.

I used to be shy, too, but God helped me realize that my shyness was just me protecting an oversensitive ego. Basically, my shyness was a kind of selfishness and it had made me very isolated. The thing was, I was of little use to God as a "shy" person. So long as I indulged my ego, protecting it from hurt at every turn, I could not be the heart and hands of God in a lost, and dark, and dying world. How about you? Are you isolated and prevented by your shyness from serving God well?

Generally speaking, God has made people to be married. You possess some "equipment" that He has designed for you to use with the opposite sex to produce the next generation of people. It is...unnatural (again, speaking generally here) for people to live contrary to God's design and the natural sexual impulses He has given all (or most) of us by remaining celibate for life.

The college I go to is a secular college because it's much less expensive but I have a really great friend who happens to be a girl. She's a really devout Christian and so we get along well together. She's sooo pretty too she's got blue eyes and strawberry blonde hair and has a really nice and kind personality. She's a great friend to me and we hang out a lot.

Goodness! Sounds like your intention to remain a virgin for life and the natural impulses and interests toward the opposite sex that God gave you are at odds with each other. Maybe you should stop pretending you're a monk.

Trouble is I can't keep my mind from drifting toward sinful thoughts about her. Often I imagine hugging and kissing her and occasionally more than that. I try to shut these thoughts off ASAP but it's really hard. A few times she actually has hugged me not in a sexual way but it still led me toward impure thoughts. I know we should flee from sexual immorality so I thought maybe I should just get her out of my life but she adds too much to my life and is the best friend I have. How can I quit having these thoughts about her but still be friends with her?

Young man, this tension you're in, these thoughts you're having, are perfectly normal. You are supposed to be thinking this way (within certain bounds, of course) about your attractive female friend who enjoys your company. Now, imagining a sexual encounter with her is wrong, but feeling certain...yearnings toward her just means you're a normal twenty-year-old male.

Honesty is the best policy. Tell her what's happening with you. It may be that she feels the same. If so, your plan for life-long virginity may be at an end. If not, at least she knows not to hug you any more and to be more circumspect in her interactions with you. It would be nice to think somehow you could just divorce yourself from these feelings you're having toward your friend, but this isn't how God made you. Paul the apostle's advice to people in your situation is quite blunt:

1 Corinthians 7:2
2 But because of immoralities, each man is to have his own wife, and each woman is to have her own husband.

1 Corinthians 7:9
9 But if they do not have self-control, let them marry; for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

 

[Gregory Thompson]

Currently I'm a virgin and expect to remain so for the rest of my life.

How can I quit having these thoughts about her but still be friends with her?

If this is what you want to do, 1 John 1:9 talks about dealing with sin through confession, repressing the lust and thoughts increases the intensity. Ask God about spiritual things you can do with Him to deal with the reaction of the flesh. Your body wont help you though, from what you've said in your post imagining "hugging and kissing her and occasionally more than that" means your body wants to go in that direction and has no interest in your desire to be celebate.

 

[FireDragon76]

I used to be shy, too, but God helped me realize that my shyness was just me protecting an oversensitive ego.

Exactly.

Goodness! Sounds like your intention to remain a virgin for life and the natural impulses and interests toward the opposite sex that God gave you are at odds with each other. Maybe you should stop pretending you're a monk.

Or join a religious tradition where that sort of vocation is meaningfully sacramental. Because you are going to have a whole different set of sins to struggle with as a celibate person, and they just don't go away just because you have decided to forgo sex. There is more to purity of heart that not having sex.

 

[Jonathan Leo]

Hello all this is my first time here. I'm a 20 year old guy a college student. I've never had a girlfriend and don't expect to ever get married because I've always been incredibly shy and rather strange. Currently I'm a virgin and expect to remain so for the rest of my life. The college I go to is a secular college because it's much less expensive but I have a really great friend who happens to be a girl. She's a really devout Christian and so we get along well together. She's sooo pretty too she's got blue eyes and strawberry blonde hair and has a really nice and kind personality. She's a great friend to me and we hang out a lot. Trouble is I can't keep my mind from drifting toward sinful thoughts about her. Often I imagine hugging and kissing her and occasionally more than that. I try to shut these thoughts off ASAP but it's really hard. A few times she actually has hugged me not in a sexual way but it still led me toward impure thoughts. I know we should flee from sexual immorality so I thought maybe I should just get her out of my life but she adds too much to my life and is the best friend I have. How can I quit having these thoughts about her but still be friends with her?

Yes we are to flee from sexual immorality but we are also told leave the nest and be joined to a wife,
Get in there before she’s taken buddie, it sounds you admire her lots. She is a Christian so that’s a good foundation and ye see to work together.
This is an order soldier, Go and tell her what you think of her and you would love if ye could take your relationship further.
2 things will either happen
1
She says yes and ye take it further. (Who knows, she might be your wife)
2 She says no and you can rule out your fantasies
Your mind is thinking like that because it’s natural to us and you really do fancy her but getting shot down should stop your mind from wondering what could be (at least in theory anyway)

 

[RogerRoger]

I found myself in a similar place - close friends with a nice Christian girl, beautiful, funny.

I told her about it. I was worried that my sudden feelings would somehow change my behavior and ruin things, or hurt her, or our friend group. We talked for a long time that day, and actually talked about our feelings for a good few weeks before deciding to date. We're married now, and happy.

That conversation was the single most difficult thing I've had to do - harder than leaving a good career to pursue social work, harder than telling others about depression, harder than ending a long relationship. My life would be so different if I hadn't said it.

My advice would be to say something. Not in a pushy way, and not with any expectations, but as her friend. Having that out in the open will protect the both of you, and could lead to something more. I would say not to have that conversation selfishly, but to make sure that she is okay, and in the spirit of protecting what you have.

That all sounds really cheesy.

 

[Daniel Marsh]

Hello all this is my first time here. I'm a 20 year old guy a college student. I've never had a girlfriend and don't expect to ever get married because I've always been incredibly shy and rather strange. Currently I'm a virgin and expect to remain so for the rest of my life. The college I go to is a secular college because it's much less expensive but I have a really great friend who happens to be a girl. She's a really devout Christian and so we get along well together. She's sooo pretty too she's got blue eyes and strawberry blonde hair and has a really nice and kind personality. She's a great friend to me and we hang out a lot. Trouble is I can't keep my mind from drifting toward sinful thoughts about her. Often I imagine hugging and kissing her and occasionally more than that. I try to shut these thoughts off ASAP but it's really hard. A few times she actually has hugged me not in a sexual way but it still led me toward impure thoughts. I know we should flee from sexual immorality so I thought maybe I should just get her out of my life but she adds too much to my life and is the best friend I have. How can I quit having these thoughts about her but still be friends with her?

If you are not going to ask her out, give me her phone number.
Also, check out her Mother because that is what the gal will look like at that age. check her teeth too.

 

[eighty_proof]

Hello all this is my first time here. I'm a 20 year old guy a college student. I've never had a girlfriend and don't expect to ever get married because I've always been incredibly shy and rather strange. Currently I'm a virgin and expect to remain so for the rest of my life. The college I go to is a secular college because it's much less expensive but I have a really great friend who happens to be a girl. She's a really devout Christian and so we get along well together. She's sooo pretty too she's got blue eyes and strawberry blonde hair and has a really nice and kind personality. She's a great friend to me and we hang out a lot. Trouble is I can't keep my mind from drifting toward sinful thoughts about her. Often I imagine hugging and kissing her and occasionally more than that. I try to shut these thoughts off ASAP but it's really hard. A few times she actually has hugged me not in a sexual way but it still led me toward impure thoughts. I know we should flee from sexual immorality so I thought maybe I should just get her out of my life but she adds too much to my life and is the best friend I have. How can I quit having these thoughts about her but still be friends with her?

Your feelings are normal. The reason you exist is because your father felt the same way about your mother. We all have these feelings, because God has made us a sexual species. Our sex drives are the reason we fall in love and want to be more than "just friends." Flee from sexual immorality, not by fleeing from sex, but by embracing your sexuality in a healthy way. What you want to do here is tell your friend how you feel about her, ask her if she'd be interested in a date, etc. She may say no, which is fine, you haven't done anything wrong. Don't torture yourself by sitting on your feelings when there's nothing wrong with asking out the girl you desire. It is perfectly acceptable to ask her out on a date. It may not go anywhere beyond the first date, but you never know. Either way it should help you move on. You're a man, and there is nothing shameful or dirty about you wanting to be with a woman. Embrace that.

 

[Drifter Kybe Scythe Kane]

Hello all this is my first time here. I'm a 20 year old guy a college student. I've never had a girlfriend and don't expect to ever get married because I've always been incredibly shy and rather strange. Currently I'm a virgin and expect to remain so for the rest of my life. The college I go to is a secular college because it's much less expensive but I have a really great friend who happens to be a girl. She's a really devout Christian and so we get along well together. She's sooo pretty too she's got blue eyes and strawberry blonde hair and has a really nice and kind personality. She's a great friend to me and we hang out a lot. Trouble is I can't keep my mind from drifting toward sinful thoughts about her. Often I imagine hugging and kissing her and occasionally more than that. I try to shut these thoughts off ASAP but it's really hard. A few times she actually has hugged me not in a sexual way but it still led me toward impure thoughts. I know we should flee from sexual immorality so I thought maybe I should just get her out of my life but she adds too much to my life and is the best friend I have. How can I quit having these thoughts about her but still be friends with her?

The thing about romance possibly is that it is all true. Falling in love and all that, it could be all true and you may regret not even doing anything about it in the first place so use that regret. Being with women in an intimate way is natural and can really help you out. Date first of course is at least what I would do if you want to know her like that just to keep options open. A girlfriend can smile at you and can save you from things like suicide just to know you are not alone and that having love like that is worth living for. How I view the answer of life and God is love. Remember God is love so like I said give it some thought.

 

[Paidiske]

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[Dave-W]

Don't spiritualize this, you're just shy. Get over being shy and join the rest of the human race.

What's wrong with being shy?

 

[Dave-W]

San, post her picture so I can properly assess the depths of your sin....

He has not been back since posting.

 

[FireDragon76]

What's wrong with being shy?

It's self-imprisonment.

 

[Dave-W]

It's self-imprisonment.

Only an extravert would see it that way.

 

[FireDragon76]

Only an extravert would see it that way.

I'm not an extravert. I'm introverted. But there is a difference between being shy, and being introverted. Often being shy is just a kind of pride masked as humility.

 

[GUANO]

Hello all this is my first time here. I'm a 20 year old guy a college student. I've never had a girlfriend and don't expect to ever get married because I've always been incredibly shy and rather strange. Currently I'm a virgin and expect to remain so for the rest of my life. The college I go to is a secular college because it's much less expensive but I have a really great friend who happens to be a girl. She's a really devout Christian and so we get along well together. She's sooo pretty too she's got blue eyes and strawberry blonde hair and has a really nice and kind personality. She's a great friend to me and we hang out a lot. Trouble is I can't keep my mind from drifting toward sinful thoughts about her. Often I imagine hugging and kissing her and occasionally more than that. I try to shut these thoughts off ASAP but it's really hard. A few times she actually has hugged me not in a sexual way but it still led me toward impure thoughts. I know we should flee from sexual immorality so I thought maybe I should just get her out of my life but she adds too much to my life and is the best friend I have. How can I quit having these thoughts about her but still be friends with her?

Resisting thoughts and urges is like a muscle, it only gets easier with practice---age also helps as eventually the hormones will start to taper off a bit. Having a general friendship with members of the opposite sex, especially if your sexually attracted, is never something I would generally recommend because at the end of the day its just dealing with a lot of pain. If you don't plan on attempting to make it more serious then your just going to end up watching her go into a relationship which can be painful... Repressing those pains and thoughts is harmful to your spirit/psyche in the long run. These are just my own opinions so good luck man. If you can succesfully control your thoughts and emotions through those situations for the rest of your life then youve certainly fought the good fight and ran the race, thats for sure.

 

[lastofall]

"But every man is tempted, when he is drawn away [attracted] of his own lust [eagerness to possess or consume], and enticed [flattered]. Then when lust hath conceived [imagined or invented the idea], it bringeth forth sin [the voluntary departure from the morality prescribed by God]: and sin, when it is finished [brought to full completion], bringeth forth death [dead works]." (James 1:14-15)

Solution:

"I made a covenant with mine eyes: why then should think upon a maid." (Job 31:1)

 

[Persis]

Hello all this is my first time here. I'm a 20 year old guy a college student. I've never had a girlfriend and don't expect to ever get married because I've always been incredibly shy and rather strange. Currently I'm a virgin and expect to remain so for the rest of my life. The college I go to is a secular college because it's much less expensive but I have a really great friend who happens to be a girl. She's a really devout Christian and so we get along well together. She's sooo pretty too she's got blue eyes and strawberry blonde hair and has a really nice and kind personality. She's a great friend to me and we hang out a lot. Trouble is I can't keep my mind from drifting toward sinful thoughts about her. Often I imagine hugging and kissing her and occasionally more than that. I try to shut these thoughts off ASAP but it's really hard. A few times she actually has hugged me not in a sexual way but it still led me toward impure thoughts. I know we should flee from sexual immorality so I thought maybe I should just get her out of my life but she adds too much to my life and is the best friend I have. How can I quit having these thoughts about her but still be friends with her?

San Harver, I agree with some of the commenters. The more you stuff it inside and try to suppress your feelings, especially with guilty feelings, the bigger the lust will get and you will be tormented. In my opinion, there's only 2 choices. You either tell her how you feel and test the waters, or you distance yourself from her because a) you cannot bear to just be friends with her and/or b) that you are wasting your time when you can meet someone else who demonstrates an interest in you.

Going along with the b) selection, would be this question ? What if you find out that she really doesn't want more from you than just friends, and that her openness and friendliness towards you is because she feels very comfortable with you, but.. it may be possible she doesn't want anything more. One thing you may not know is that women love to be friends with everybody. We are social creatures, and having a platonic male friend can be so wonderful. Unfortunately, in my opinion, I don't think that single men particularly aren't so keen on just being friends with a woman. If they like her they will tend to be romantically interested in her, as well. It's possible therefore that if she does not want more than a friendship that you may not be interested in her anymore anyway. That may be something to think about.

I think, really, to know the answers to any of these questions, is that you have to make some sort of move, and somehow in your own way, find out from her how she feels. I suggest starting with something subtle, and see if she is inclined. If she's not getting the hint, you may have to be more direct. I think, in the end, and all around, you will save yourself a lot pain and needless suffering.

Blessings and Good luck!

 

[Dave-W]

"But every man is tempted, when he is drawn away [attracted] of his own lust [eagerness to possess or consume], and enticed [flattered]. Then when lust hath conceived [imagined or invented the idea], it bringeth forth sin [the voluntary departure from the morality prescribed by God]: and sin, when it is finished [brought to full completion], bringeth forth death [dead works]." (James 1:14-15)

Solution:

"I made a covenant with mine eyes: why then should think upon a maid." (Job 31:1)

Hmmm. So you are saying you sinned when you thought about marrying your wife?