How can I stop going too far sexually with my girlfriend?

[captainslow]

Thank you. You're very encouraging. Would you be able to share why your girlfriend left because you didn't have "the will to stay away from it and not stray and also pray about it"?

From your story it makes it seem like my gf could possibly one day realize that I'm a dirty temptation on her life, and that she would ditch me to retain her purity.

Hi Fatolia,

Well to simply put it (not trying to be a saint) but I really cared about her morals. We agreed on it. But what then happened is I called an end to the relationship and my main reason (do not be harsh) was that things were getting real boring. There are quite a couple of other factors, like I am not that outgoing because I have a "fear" or issue with being around of lots of people and also allot of people I do not know. Part thereof is that I have this thing that everyone is looking at me and criticizing me.

BUT, getting back to the point where I said if I did not stray, soon after our relationship I met another girl and with her it was pure lust and sexual temptation etc. This is the part where you say "I'm a dirty temptation on her life"; this is exactly how I felt. However, this will sound strange, but it seemed as though see did not feel that way and we were still together.

Moving forward, if I had the chance to go back, I would ensure we did more other things together, more movies, going out, riding bike, walking, malls etc. and off course would have taken a stance and realized that I have some things to work in and pray about. Looking back I could see how our relationship could have properly grown into something unique.

So, if I may say, and this is not easy, I want to tell you to look forward in the future, see how things could be and not how it could have been if you did not screw up. Realize your flaws (which we all have) and work on them, pray about them. Talk to her and tell her you are willing to work on these things. Otherwise, like someone else said here, you need to move on (which is not what you want).

Last thing, I am not good at giving advise with relationships, I pretty much screwed up each one I was in. But with things in the past it made me learn allot. I am saying too much now, hope you get my point.

 

[Fatolia]

Hi Fatolia...

Last thing, I am not good at giving advise with relationships, I pretty much screwed up each one I was in. But with things in the past it made me learn allot. I am saying too much now, hope you get my point.

Thank you so much for sharing with me and pouring out your heart on this forum. Your experience is very insightful and helpful... in fact, I think you've provided the best advice yet.

 

[Touma]

I am going to be completely open with you, because I am in the same exact boat. I have been dating my gal for about 3 months now, but we have seen each other for about 6 months, and having been friends for a year or so. Okay, so with that background, let me tell you the struggle. First, before we were even officially dating, we made out and did some improper touching. This was very contrary to the type of people we are. You see, in my Church, we are both leaders, and very passionate about Christ. So first it started with unrestricted kissing and touching. A few weeks after that, we began to have sex. Now, I let myself compromise my morals because I kept telling myself that it was okay to have sex with her, because I made a promise that whoever I have sex with, I intend to marry them, or if I can't do that then I will stay single. So, I compromised my morals, and I led her to compromise as well. Since then(novemberish) we have had sex more than a dozen times, often times beginning with compromising faith. I remember saying things like "Oh, well this will be the last time, I promise to God" And its not. Its never the last time because I always compromise more. The way to stop having sex, I am finding, is to stand firm. Don't compromise your faith. Sit down with your significant other and draw lines in the sand and hold each other accountable to those lines. If kissing is leading you down the path of sin, then prohibit kissing each other. My gal and I are actually on a fast from each other right now, so that we can rebuild our relationship with Christ. If you want a healthy, and holy relationship with a girl/boyfriend, you must first have a healthy and holy relationship with Christ. And remember, if someone or something is keeping you away from your First Love, Christ, then remove them from your life, maybe for a short time, or for a long time, which ever helps you grow strong in Christ.

I would also suggest praying together or having a couple devotional time. Like, if you know that being alone after 10pm is bad, then have a devo/prayer time at 9:30 pm, and at the end of that time, you part ways. I promise it will help you out. It is hard, but worth it in the end.

 

[Fatolia]

I am going to be completely open with you.

Thank you for sharing. From personal experience, I can imagine how hard this must be for you. I appreciate the advice 'from the trenches' instead of one standing on top of a stack of Bibles.

 

[BeautifulDestiny09]

I personally even save the Kissing till marriage.

I almost want to say it's kind of late for that for this couple. lol

if you THINK you can do that, and not kiss anymore until marriage, then go right ahead! I agree with others...hanging out with others helps, as well as knowing your limits! EVERYONE has different limits...some people, kissing starts it all, while others, long hugs spark things...so place boundaries where you need to and then DON'T CROSS THEM!

Also know that you CANNOT do it without GOD's HELP! I had to learn to say NO to my boyfriend, and then pray for him! Both of us are committed to saving it for marriage, so GOD has been helping us ALOT!

 

[Fatolia]

I must say, after kissing a few girlfriends and reading stories about people who waited till their wedding day to kiss - I WOULD NOT wait to kiss.

First of all - the idea of the first kiss and having sex on the same day appalls me, and with some of the anecdotes I've read, it can create a lot of shock and anxiety problems with the woman which would make the honeymoon rather unpleasant.

Second - You really need to make sure you're physically compatible. I'm not saying have sex, but you need to feel comfortable and excited about being in each others' arms and liplocking. Once I had a girlfriend who, when I kissed her, I got this sick feeling in my stomach. I also had a girlfriend once who was eight inches shorter than me. I prefer kissing standing up. Such a situation hurt my back, kissing for prolonged times, because I'd have to bend way down to get to her. It seems insignificant, but physical comfort is a big thing in a relationship, and I'd hate to find out that incompatibility on my wedding day. My current girlfriend is only four inches shorter than me...and it's absolutely perfect.

Third - IMO, kissing satisfies a sexual need in a pure way. I find that when I kiss my girlfriend, it dulls the natural physical desire I have for other women, thus encouraging me to be faithful to her.

 

[waxlion10]

First of all - the idea of the first kiss and having sex on the same day appalls me, and with some of the anecdotes I've read, it can create a lot of shock and anxiety problems with the woman which would make the honeymoon rather unpleasant.

Many couples do not have sex on the first night
No one says you HAVE to consummate the marriage on the wedding night.
I get your point, and I'm certainly not saving my first kiss for the altar... I just wanted to point out this misconception.

 

[Solo Man]

Make God the focus of your relationship and not the two of you. Make sure you both grow spiritually. If you're alone and it gets hot. be the man and say you need to go home, or go where there are other people. if you're wondering where the line is, you've crossed it when you are doing things that are sexual in nature. so pretty much making out and anything worse. some couples choose to not even kiss, while i respect that i feel it is not dishonoring to God to peck kiss your girlfriend.

 

[WiseDonkey]

If your faith is not as strong it's much more difficult. For example, I'm always wondering if I actually believe in the God of the bible. There are some stories that are really bizarre.. There are some rules that are very strict and there are some really good things. I wish I could believe easily like some other members of my family, but it's not like that. Therefore all these rules that are being talked about don't feel all too important to me. I don't really have a relationship with God everyone is talking about. I just feel there is a God (not from a religion pers&#233, the world and me. I know there is right and wrong, but for some cultures our right is there wrong and visa versa. I'm just getting totally frustrated by all this.

 

[Solo Man]

God loves you and wants what's best for you. I understand that you may have doubts about whether he really exists or whether we're all interpreting his word the right way. And I think that all Christians go through these things at one point or another. who doesn't ever have doubts? I know it seems like he's asking a lot work. But he gives strength to those who require it.

"No temptation has overtaken you that is unusual for human beings. But God is faithful, and he will not allow you to be tempted beyond your strength. Instead, along with the temptation he will also provide a way out, so that you may be able to endure it."

1st Corinthians 10:13

 

[Aibrean]

Don't engage in any activity in a place where it could go further...that's my opinion. That's pretty much the only way to nip it. I'll tell you what, it's going to be hard but after the wedding and such it's like a burden has been lifted and then that strong desire isn't there (well there is desire, but once you can have it whenever you want and wherever in private it's not as rampant).

 

[Fatolia]

...after the wedding and such it's like a burden has been lifted and then that strong desire isn't there (well there is desire, but once you can have it whenever you want and wherever in private it's not as rampant).

That kinda sucks. For the husband.

 

[Aibrean]

Like I said, there is a desire, but it's not the same as pure lust.

 

[Fatolia]

Like I said, there is a desire, but it's not the same as pure lust.

Again, that sucks. I want lust for my wife, and I want her to lust me.

 

[katautumn]

This goes either one of three ways - you either never spend time alone together where the opportunity to get all "hot and bothered" presents itself in the first place, you go ahead and get married so you can have all the fun you want, or you cave and have sex. I know from personal experience that once you cross that threshold as an adult, it's next to impossible to "stop the train", so to speak.

You shouldn't need privacy to just kiss. My husband kisses me in public all the time, but we're not crawling all up in each others pants. I find no shame in being mildly affectionate with my husband in public places. In all honesty, if you feel you have to be in total privacy to kiss, that must mean there is some element to the kissing you engage in that you feel is inappropriate in a public setting.

In terms of "lusting for your spouse", that isn't possible. Lust is the desire for that which you cannot have. Marriage is about giving freely of yourself to your husband or wife, therefore their presence in your life is not the unattainable goal. Sexual desire and lust are not the same thing. I would certainly hope even Christian couples dating with the intent to marry would feel some level of sexual desire for their partner. That's not something you can just switch on and off. It's either there or it isn't. A ring on the finger and saying some vows does not turn that switch on.

I really don't have any solid advice. I'm not a Christian, I didn't wait until marriage to live with or have sex with my husband (although I did make him wait almost a year and a half into our dating). But, what I do know is that someone either wants to stop or they don't. There really is no in between. People who ask the question, "how far is too far" is either not serious about waiting or they're looking for that cure-all solution to not engaging in certain acts that push their boundaries. Everyone is different, although my experience with dating is that laying around in a bed making out does little to stop the surge of hormones.

 

[Naal]

I was in the same boat as you are in for the longest time. I didn't know how to stop with my (then) boyfriend. I have saved myself and we both had agreed no sex outside of marriage.

We have recently broken up because of our struggles, but said that if we ever intend on getting back together we wouldn't even kiss. It leads to too much temptation and starts a very deadly ball rolling.

My college pastor says that if you're horizontal, then you need to stop. Even cuddling can be a small opening in which temptation can enter.

 

[hikingchick77]

Stop hanging out at each others homes...go out to eat, play mini-golf, go hiking, take a road trip, go shopping, go to the movies, go to a coffee house, etc.

I don't understand why during courtship so many people stay in and don't go out...no wonder all this sexual sin happens. This is time to have fun and go out in public, your courting her and should be impressing her, not seeing how far you can go with her!!

Trust me, when you are married, you will be home so much you wish you went out more!

 

[dobieman0488]

you may need to hang out more in groups

 

[HKAngel]

For me and my bf, we don't put ourselves in those situations, we are born again virgins and are waiting until we are married. The temptation is always there and we pray about it and support one another.

No hanging out at our places late at night near a bedroom...no matter how strong you are you can slip at any time if you continually put yourselves in those types of situations.

 

[Bootstrap]

Trust me, when you are married, you will be home so much you wish you went out more!

Well, we get married August 8th. And that sounds really, really good right now ....