horrible blasphemous thoughts

[Meki]

Hi there


I have been here a few times and the last times things were better...it all just seems so up and down....I suffer from blasphemous thoughts so horrific it makes me wonder how I even managed to be able to think these things in the first place.

This has been going on for about a year now...It started when I felt flat one day and spoke out loud to God saying that Satan's world is easier...(I didn't mean that I wanted anything to do with the enemy...I just didn't understand what was so wrong with sin)....I wanted to build a nice big house...have a bunch of nice things....and I felt guilty wanting those things I just didn't understand what life was all about....well I went inside opened up my bible and the first thing I read was a chapter where God was saying something like...you are my enemy..you pretend around my people and ended with the words...I will never let you in the garden where I would have offered you rest...I can't remember where in the bible this was as I closed my bible in fear and burst out crying asking him for forgiveness....certain that this was God talking directly to me...and why wouldn't he after what I said....afterall isn't the bible how God speaks to us?....I spent days feeling utterly cast out and terrified...I was a new christian too...I had not been in relationship long with God before all this started....

In about 0.5 seconds I understood the scripture...what does it profit a man to gain the world and lose his soul....I had just lost God (or so I thought)...eternally...who cares about a stupid house....and right now...from that day onward...I have been utterly completly cured of any materialism...All I want is God...absolutely nothing more or less...just him...thats it....but unfortunately the fun (not really fun) was just about to get started...


During this time a massive doorway must have been opened to the enemy because horrible thoughts started to happen....(before this day I never had any bad thoughts at all)...you h*** God....you h*** Jesus....the thoughts started....I was petrified...I started trying to read my bible but thought I'd play it safe by starting with the new testament...(I had become frightened of the old testament)...I had no sooner started Matthew and was reading about when Herod was looking for baby Jesus and this thought came ....you wanted him to find the baby.....like what??? I'm sure these thoughts were demonic...because I had thoughts like...this is what it feels like when God forsakes you...and one eerie thought that went like...haha your dead...it was horrifying and I truelly felt that I had been cast away....

At this time I had no idea we were in a spiritual war...I thought all these thoughts were mine...I'm pretty sure now the origins were from the enemy....the attack felt so vicious...it was literally breathtaking the horror of this...a living hell...I felt like dying...except I knew in death there is no God in hell...just the permanent absence of him...at least in life he was all around me...in the clouds...the faces of my children...the birds ...the rainbows...I started paying attention to ALL the little details...and I'd stubornly tell him that I was going to love him anyway...even if I was forsaken...that whilst ever I was alive...and could see the presence of him everywhere I was going to flatout adore him....

I have never been so terrified in my life...I hated every moment of these thoughts...of course the thoughts didn't just stop there....as soon as I learnt there was an unforgiveable sin...well yes my mind just went on thinking that.... the thoughts just kept getting worse...and all the while I'm floundering wondering how I could possibly think things that should never have even entered my mind in the first place....

At the time I was attending a little Anglican church...but stopped going as I got so embarrased sitting up the back of a small church every sunday wearing dark sunglasses and bawling my eyes out....nobody else cries in church??....I've started going to hillsong which is fantastic...such a beautiful church...and so huge that no one notices you sitting there crying your heart out every week....you blend in so much easier...

I've tried to talk to a few of the pastors about this...and nobody has ever heard of anything like this?....as soon as you say you have blasphemous thoughts about God they take a few steps backwards as if to say how could you....it's horrible...does anyone else find that so few people understand this? I feel like I'm the only one....and now I don't say anything to anyone...just suffer along in silence...I would give ANYTHING...to have pretty much any other trial thrown at me....I honestly cannot think of anything worse than this...

I came across the grantley blog and that smoothed things over for awhile...finally...i'm not alone...other people go through this....but why won't they (the thoughts) go away?

I started watching alot of christian TV during this time....alot of Joyce Meyer and Joseph Prince...which have helped remarkably...I keep remembering the words of Jesus...if you love me...you will obey my commandments....so I'm trying so hard to do all the right things....and I mean trying...I'm on a mission to try and be the best I can...as if by my actions I'm trying to prove to God that I don't mean these thoughts....I pray every day for him to take these thoughts away...to give me a heart like Jesus...the fruit of the spirit and all those lovely things...but I'm still waiting for the changes....

Joyce Meyer said something really powerful that I have been living my life by lately....do whats right when it all feels wrong....go out and be a blessing to someone else even when you are dying inside...so I have been busy trying to be a blessing everywhere...and honestly I love that...being a blessing has been fun...it has helped the feelings....but it hasn't stopped the thoughts

The thoughts are so bad it's despairing...They used to be just horrible ones about God...which were altogether gut wrenching...but then they progressed to a whole new level...where I feel like when I say Lord...it's like the enemys name will pop in and then I feel like being sick...I drive past my old church and have a thought like the house of the enemy...I have to drive past this church everyday to pick up my kids from school...and everytime I'm getting close to it...I start freaking out...in case I have that thought...or other similar...thoughts about the enemy...I can honestly officially say...the thoughts do not get any worse than this...I tossed up even writing about these thoughts here because I am so ashamed...but honestly I wonder how many others have thoughts as bad as this...is it just me?

Joyce Meyer talks alot about 'ruining the enemy's day' by being a blessing and basically not being riled by anything he throws at you...so I have turned this into a major life theme....I utterely HATE the enemy so much...that I basically refuse to be unforgiving to ANYONE (considering that I am going to be needing buckets of God's mercy) and also because I know just how much that ticks the enemy off...I feel like the enemy is ruining my life with these thoughts...so I am deadset determined to ruin his....I get stuck in a frustrating situation...I don't know like say...a one hour traffic jam...I just grin and bear it with a good spirit...why...because that would be making the enemy seethe...and afterall...compared to having these thoughts...ANYTHING looks like a bed of roses....

But then I wonder...what if these thoughts are me?...how ...just how...on earth can I possibly think these things....I often think that there is no way in a million years I could have prayed against this thing happening....I never could have even dreamt that you could find yourself in this situation having thoughts you never could have imagined thinking....it's a nightmare

The other greatest challenge in all this is I don't hear from God...I have no idea how to....all these other people talk about how the Lord spoke to them...or God told them to do this or that....and for me...nothing....silence...honestly God doesn't tell me anything...I am terrified of the bible....afraid I will have bad thoughts whilst reading it...thats why I like the tv preachers...I can get to hear the word without the paralising fear of blasphemous thoughts, or of reading a scary passage that I think applies directly to me....

One strange thing happened thoughout all of this...I think I experienced the baptism of the holy spirit (a warm physical sensation) and sometimes when I pray I have a pins and needles feeling....it sounds strange...I don't hear from God but I think I feel his tangible presence at times....anyone else have this experience or know what I mean?

I was baptised in water a couple of months ago and when I got out of the water a leader put her hands on me and prayed for me...when she finished she spoke the words.... "I sense there has been a great deal of sadness with you...but the Lord says that things are going to change and that he has a good plan for your life" this girl had never met me before in my life...I could have given her a massive hug...for the first time...I felt that God was still with me...still there...since I never hear from him personally it was such a relief to hear those words...how else could she have hit the nail on the head?

I look at all the other 'normal' christians and wonder exactly why this is happening to me...and why most of them have never even heard of this situation...and why can't I be just like them...I look at the worship team with beaming smiles and wish...wish...wish I was just like them...not necessarily on the worship team...no not at all.....just the beaming smile radically head over heels in love with God part....just like ANYONE else who loves Jesus without fear of having horrible thoughts....I just want the peace that Jesus gives...I'm still trying to find it...

This experience has so sharply put my entire life in perspective....there is nothing more terrifying...than believing in God....believing that the bible is absolutely correct....knowing that Jesus is the only hope unto eternal life....believing in hell...and then having a bunch of thoughts you don't want that you think are going to put you there....forever....and it's the forever part that gets me...it is utterely inconceivable....and all I want...all I long for is the relationship with God that just about everyone else in the christian world seems to be enjoying...I look around at half hearted christians and feel like giving them a shake...don't you know how lucky you are...to be able to sit in church without being terrorised and tormented...sort of thing....oh how I wish i could go back in time and be able to enjoy church....and worship music...the way I used to...without the constant fear...I miss the way it used to be, and don't know how to get it back....

I am so sorry about the long post...I really didn't mean for it to be this long...once I got started it just kept coming....anyway....I would love so much to hear the testimony of others....and what has helped....

Hi Medelia how is your situation now??

 

[SnowTiger]

I also get awful thoughts. Lately I'm afraid that God has given me mad cow disease for thinking bad thoughts about him. I'm very sorry for my thoughts.

 

[Lucakes]

Hi,
Lately I've gotten lazy and too tired to fight and it's been a struggle. I know because God gave me a dream that I will be in Glory with Him, but I need prayers, this is a struggle and I'm getting too tired to fight and I know there will be a bounce back, I have hope and Grace, like we all do and I know in my heart there will be a come back. Praying for you all. <3

Hello I would love to meet for coffee sometime. I joined because of you. I live right by you. And I’m going through the exact same thing.

 

[Lucakes]

Hi,
Lately I've gotten lazy and too tired to fight and it's been a struggle. I know because God gave me a dream that I will be in Glory with Him, but I need prayers, this is a struggle and I'm getting too tired to fight and I know there will be a bounce back, I have hope and Grace, like we all do and I know in my heart there will be a come back. Praying for you all. <3

Belle Julesbob... I’m still trying to figure this forum out. But I joined just for you. I have had the exact same thing happening to me for months. I live in MA.. I thought we could meet up for coffee ️. We could support each other.. since we live close by. I don’t know how to private message you... but my instagram is i_once_was_lost21. I would love to hear from ya

 

[Lucakes]

Just want to say went to church tonight and feel so much better had people pray over me and one guy even got a word for me for the holy Spirit that was dead on! And I feel so much better, there is hope. Praying for you all, love you all, we are a FAMILY in Jesus Christ!

 

[SarahsKnight]

I also get awful thoughts. Lately I'm afraid that God has given me mad cow disease for thinking bad thoughts about him. I'm very sorry for my thoughts.

SnowTiger, I have prayed for you and I want to assure you that I do not believe for one second that it is God who has actually brought you any kind of disease as punishment for thinking bad thoughts (I mean that I do not believe your sickness is His doing; I am not saying that I believe you are only imagining that you have a disease or anything). He knows that these bad thoughts upset you and are not your true self. May I tell you right now that I have asked the Holy Spirit if it is true that He is punishing you for your thoughts and He has assured me that that is NOT the case (I asked Him out of genuine concern for your emotional health at the present - NOT just to know the inner secrets of other people's hearts, I also want to make it clear). I give you my solemn word on this. Have no fear that God hates you or is wanting to make you suffer. For it is not true.

 

[SnowTiger]

SnowTiger, I have prayed for you and I want to assure you that I do not believe for one second that it is God who has actually brought you any kind of disease as punishment for thinking bad thoughts (I mean that I do not believe your sickness is His doing; I am not saying that I believe you are only imagining that you have a disease or anything). He knows that these bad thoughts upset you and are not your true self. May I tell you right now that I have asked the Holy Spirit if it is true that He is punishing you for your thoughts and He has assured me that that is NOT the case (I asked Him out of genuine concern for your emotional health at the present - NOT just to know the inner secrets of other people's hearts, I also want to make it clear). I give you my solemn word on this. Have no fear that God hates you or is wanting to make you suffer. For it is not true.

Thank you.

 

[SnowTiger]

SnowTiger, I have prayed for you and I want to assure you that I do not believe for one second that it is God who has actually brought you any kind of disease as punishment for thinking bad thoughts (I mean that I do not believe your sickness is His doing; I am not saying that I believe you are only imagining that you have a disease or anything). He knows that these bad thoughts upset you and are not your true self. May I tell you right now that I have asked the Holy Spirit if it is true that He is punishing you for your thoughts and He has assured me that that is NOT the case (I asked Him out of genuine concern for your emotional health at the present - NOT just to know the inner secrets of other people's hearts, I also want to make it clear). I give you my solemn word on this. Have no fear that God hates you or is wanting to make you suffer. For it is not true.

I'm also worried that I accidentally asked to be punished. Can you ask if God is punishing me for accidentally asking him to?

The voice in my head says "you asked for it."

Thanks!

 

[SarahsKnight]

I'm also worried that I accidentally asked to be punished. Can you ask if God is punishing me for accidentally asking him to?

The voice in my head says "you asked for it."

Thanks!

Then you may ignore that voice in your head. God knows that you did not ask to be punished, and He did not bring any sickness even because you accidentally asked Him to. Yes, I have asked Him your question as sincerely as I know how, and the Spirit has testified that it is a "No".

 

[Lucakes]

Hi Kemar. . .

My journey through these blasphemous thoughts had brought me to the very edge of despair at my lowest point (about the time I initially posted this message) however it has been 2-3 years along now and I can honesty say that God had done a wonderful restoration and healing in the area of my thoughts. . .

To be honest I cannot say that I am free from these horrible thoughts entirely, and from time to time I still experience thoughts that are every bit as horrific as the thoughts I spoke about when I initially wrote this post. . .but the Lord has graciously set me free from the condemnation of these thoughts. I suppose it was always the condemnation that was the most terrifying part of this horrible experience. Feeling as though the Lord, would cast judgement for these unwanted thoughts, and that fear would in turn make the thoughts much much worse :'(

My heart honestly goes out to anyone who battles with this, and sadly looking at the posts here there are so many that endure or have endured this torment

Like another posted here, these thoughts so obviously reveal the spiritual war we are waging and with such a vicious and merciless enemy. . . however greater is he who is in us, than he who is in this world xx

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. . . this glorious truth. . that His Grace and Mercy is greater than my sin has been the turning point for me. . .learning to renew my mind to what his word says. . . the fact that we are his beloved children, whom he will never forsake x

Things that have helped me greatly through this experience have been listening to great bible based teaching messages. . .I have particularly found Pastor Joseph Prince (best way to check him out is to google his name) have been instrumental for me in revealing the Grace of the Lord Jesus and his amazing love for us. . .Pastor Joseph Prince has a similar testimony of experiencing unwanted thoughts himself, so I found his ministry tremendously healing. . .I would also completely recommend teaching by Joyce Meyer as well. . .there are so many amazing ministries the Lord has raised up to nurture his people. . .so investing time in listening to His truth I found helped me greatly. . .Truth that the Lord Jesus himself has taken away all our sin, and though we may not be perfect we are being perfected by his beautiful Holy Spirit. . .though we make mistakes (including every single unwanted thought we ever have) he looks at us as though we are blameless. . . .amazing. . .breathtakingly amazing, and I found when I believed that his love for me was greater than anything I could ever do wrong, I was more in love with Jesus, and the unwanted thoughts lost their stronghold and grip over my life. . .like I said earlier. . .I still have these thoughts, but I honestly don't believe any longer that they will condemn me. . .now I feel I hear the voice of the Lord whispering instead. . .give these thoughts to me. . . don't carry the weight or the burden of these thoughts. . .you were never meant to. . .

This has been my journey and testimony and I am happy if you would like to talk about what you are going through x you are not alone here, this forum is a wonderful outreach to help us all realise we are all in this together and that we share similar stories and hardships, which can help us feel less alone though this battle. . .

the Lord Bless you always xx

I

Hi Kemar. . .

My journey through these blasphemous thoughts had brought me to the very edge of despair at my lowest point (about the time I initially posted this message) however it has been 2-3 years along now and I can honesty say that God had done a wonderful restoration and healing in the area of my thoughts. . .

To be honest I cannot say that I am free from these horrible thoughts entirely, and from time to time I still experience thoughts that are every bit as horrific as the thoughts I spoke about when I initially wrote this post. . .but the Lord has graciously set me free from the condemnation of these thoughts. I suppose it was always the condemnation that was the most terrifying part of this horrible experience. Feeling as though the Lord, would cast judgement for these unwanted thoughts, and that fear would in turn make the thoughts much much worse :'(

My heart honestly goes out to anyone who battles with this, and sadly looking at the posts here there are so many that endure or have endured this torment

Like another posted here, these thoughts so obviously reveal the spiritual war we are waging and with such a vicious and merciless enemy. . . however greater is he who is in us, than he who is in this world xx

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. . . this glorious truth. . that His Grace and Mercy is greater than my sin has been the turning point for me. . .learning to renew my mind to what his word says. . . the fact that we are his beloved children, whom he will never forsake x

Things that have helped me greatly through this experience have been listening to great bible based teaching messages. . .I have particularly found Pastor Joseph Prince (best way to check him out is to google his name) have been instrumental for me in revealing the Grace of the Lord Jesus and his amazing love for us. . .Pastor Joseph Prince has a similar testimony of experiencing unwanted thoughts himself, so I found his ministry tremendously healing. . .I would also completely recommend teaching by Joyce Meyer as well. . .there are so many amazing ministries the Lord has raised up to nurture his people. . .so investing time in listening to His truth I found helped me greatly. . .Truth that the Lord Jesus himself has taken away all our sin, and though we may not be perfect we are being perfected by his beautiful Holy Spirit. . .though we make mistakes (including every single unwanted thought we ever have) he looks at us as though we are blameless. . . .amazing. . .breathtakingly amazing, and I found when I believed that his love for me was greater than anything I could ever do wrong, I was more in love with Jesus, and the unwanted thoughts lost their stronghold and grip over my life. . .like I said earlier. . .I still have these thoughts, but I honestly don't believe any longer that they will condemn me. . .now I feel I hear the voice of the Lord whispering instead. . .give these thoughts to me. . . don't carry the weight or the burden of these thoughts. . .you were never meant to. . .

This has been my journey and testimony and I am happy if you would like to talk about what you are going through x you are not alone here, this forum is a wonderful outreach to help us all realise we are all in this together and that we share similar stories and hardships, which can help us feel less alone though this battle. . .

the Lord Bless you always xx

Hey Medelia, I just pray that I get to meet you one day. Your story helped me so much you have no idea. When I read your post it felt like someone had read my mind, and wrote down my own experience. I too have felt like dying, and at the end of my rope. Your story gave me hope. Love you. God Bless.

 

[Kash]

Hi there
I was in so much pain and I was so ashamed and so terrified to the point a became angry and confused so I know how you feel !! But I've been doing research on it and I urge anyone who is going threw this to know it not you !! The enemy wants you to think that so they can take you as far away from god as they can !! Please watch this youtube video it will explain everything

I have been here a few times and the last times things were better...it all just seems so up and down....I suffer from blasphemous thoughts so horrific it makes me wonder how I even managed to be able to think these things in the first place.

This has been going on for about a year now...It started when I felt flat one day and spoke out loud to God saying that Satan's world is easier...(I didn't mean that I wanted anything to do with the enemy...I just didn't understand what was so wrong with sin)....I wanted to build a nice big house...have a bunch of nice things....and I felt guilty wanting those things I just didn't understand what life was all about....well I went inside opened up my bible and the first thing I read was a chapter where God was saying something like...you are my enemy..you pretend around my people and ended with the words...I will never let you in the garden where I would have offered you rest...I can't remember where in the bible this was as I closed my bible in fear and burst out crying asking him for forgiveness....certain that this was God talking directly to me...and why wouldn't he after what I said....afterall isn't the bible how God speaks to us?....I spent days feeling utterly cast out and terrified...I was a new christian too...I had not been in relationship long with God before all this started....

In about 0.5 seconds I understood the scripture...what does it profit a man to gain the world and lose his soul....I had just lost God (or so I thought)...eternally...who cares about a stupid house....and right now...from that day onward...I have been utterly completly cured of any materialism...All I want is God...absolutely nothing more or less...just him...thats it....but unfortunately the fun (not really fun) was just about to get started...


During this time a massive doorway must have been opened to the enemy because horrible thoughts started to happen....(before this day I never had any bad thoughts at all)...you h*** God....you h*** Jesus....the thoughts started....I was petrified...I started trying to read my bible but thought I'd play it safe by starting with the new testament...(I had become frightened of the old testament)...I had no sooner started Matthew and was reading about when Herod was looking for baby Jesus and this thought came ....you wanted him to find the baby.....like what??? I'm sure these thoughts were demonic...because I had thoughts like...this is what it feels like when God forsakes you...and one eerie thought that went like...haha your dead...it was horrifying and I truelly felt that I had been cast away....

At this time I had no idea we were in a spiritual war...I thought all these thoughts were mine...I'm pretty sure now the origins were from the enemy....the attack felt so vicious...it was literally breathtaking the horror of this...a living hell...I felt like dying...except I knew in death there is no God in hell...just the permanent absence of him...at least in life he was all around me...in the clouds...the faces of my children...the birds ...the rainbows...I started paying attention to ALL the little details...and I'd stubornly tell him that I was going to love him anyway...even if I was forsaken...that whilst ever I was alive...and could see the presence of him everywhere I was going to flatout adore him....

I have never been so terrified in my life...I hated every moment of these thoughts...of course the thoughts didn't just stop there....as soon as I learnt there was an unforgiveable sin...well yes my mind just went on thinking that.... the thoughts just kept getting worse...and all the while I'm floundering wondering how I could possibly think things that should never have even entered my mind in the first place....

At the time I was attending a little Anglican church...but stopped going as I got so embarrased sitting up the back of a small church every sunday wearing dark sunglasses and bawling my eyes out....nobody else cries in church??....I've started going to hillsong which is fantastic...such a beautiful church...and so huge that no one notices you sitting there crying your heart out every week....you blend in so much easier...

I've tried to talk to a few of the pastors about this...and nobody has ever heard of anything like this?....as soon as you say you have blasphemous thoughts about God they take a few steps backwards as if to say how could you....it's horrible...does anyone else find that so few people understand this? I feel like I'm the only one....and now I don't say anything to anyone...just suffer along in silence...I would give ANYTHING...to have pretty much any other trial thrown at me....I honestly cannot think of anything worse than this...

I came across the grantley blog and that smoothed things over for awhile...finally...i'm not alone...other people go through this....but why won't they (the thoughts) go away?

I started watching alot of christian TV during this time....alot of Joyce Meyer and Joseph Prince...which have helped remarkably...I keep remembering the words of Jesus...if you love me...you will obey my commandments....so I'm trying so hard to do all the right things....and I mean trying...I'm on a mission to try and be the best I can...as if by my actions I'm trying to prove to God that I don't mean these thoughts....I pray every day for him to take these thoughts away...to give me a heart like Jesus...the fruit of the spirit and all those lovely things...but I'm still waiting for the changes....

Joyce Meyer said something really powerful that I have been living my life by lately....do whats right when it all feels wrong....go out and be a blessing to someone else even when you are dying inside...so I have been busy trying to be a blessing everywhere...and honestly I love that...being a blessing has been fun...it has helped the feelings....but it hasn't stopped the thoughts

The thoughts are so bad it's despairing...They used to be just horrible ones about God...which were altogether gut wrenching...but then they progressed to a whole new level...where I feel like when I say Lord...it's like the enemys name will pop in and then I feel like being sick...I drive past my old church and have a thought like the house of the enemy...I have to drive past this church everyday to pick up my kids from school...and everytime I'm getting close to it...I start freaking out...in case I have that thought...or other similar...thoughts about the enemy...I can honestly officially say...the thoughts do not get any worse than this...I tossed up even writing about these thoughts here because I am so ashamed...but honestly I wonder how many others have thoughts as bad as this...is it just me?

Joyce Meyer talks alot about 'ruining the enemy's day' by being a blessing and basically not being riled by anything he throws at you...so I have turned this into a major life theme....I utterely HATE the enemy so much...that I basically refuse to be unforgiving to ANYONE (considering that I am going to be needing buckets of God's mercy) and also because I know just how much that ticks the enemy off...I feel like the enemy is ruining my life with these thoughts...so I am deadset determined to ruin his....I get stuck in a frustrating situation...I don't know like say...a one hour traffic jam...I just grin and bear it with a good spirit...why...because that would be making the enemy seethe...and afterall...compared to having these thoughts...ANYTHING looks like a bed of roses....

But then I wonder...what if these thoughts are me?...how ...just how...on earth can I possibly think these things....I often think that there is no way in a million years I could have prayed against this thing happening....I never could have even dreamt that you could find yourself in this situation having thoughts you never could have imagined thinking....it's a nightmare

The other greatest challenge in all this is I don't hear from God...I have no idea how to....all these other people talk about how the Lord spoke to them...or God told them to do this or that....and for me...nothing....silence...honestly God doesn't tell me anything...I am terrified of the bible....afraid I will have bad thoughts whilst reading it...thats why I like the tv preachers...I can get to hear the word without the paralising fear of blasphemous thoughts, or of reading a scary passage that I think applies directly to me....

One strange thing happened thoughout all of this...I think I experienced the baptism of the holy spirit (a warm physical sensation) and sometimes when I pray I have a pins and needles feeling....it sounds strange...I don't hear from God but I think I feel his tangible presence at times....anyone else have this experience or know what I mean?

I was baptised in water a couple of months ago and when I got out of the water a leader put her hands on me and prayed for me...when she finished she spoke the words.... "I sense there has been a great deal of sadness with you...but the Lord says that things are going to change and that he has a good plan for your life" this girl had never met me before in my life...I could have given her a massive hug...for the first time...I felt that God was still with me...still there...since I never hear from him personally it was such a relief to hear those words...how else could she have hit the nail on the head?

I look at all the other 'normal' christians and wonder exactly why this is happening to me...and why most of them have never even heard of this situation...and why can't I be just like them...I look at the worship team with beaming smiles and wish...wish...wish I was just like them...not necessarily on the worship team...no not at all.....just the beaming smile radically head over heels in love with God part....just like ANYONE else who loves Jesus without fear of having horrible thoughts....I just want the peace that Jesus gives...I'm still trying to find it...

This experience has so sharply put my entire life in perspective....there is nothing more terrifying...than believing in God....believing that the bible is absolutely correct....knowing that Jesus is the only hope unto eternal life....believing in hell...and then having a bunch of thoughts you don't want that you think are going to put you there....forever....and it's the forever part that gets me...it is utterely inconceivable....and all I want...all I long for is the relationship with God that just about everyone else in the christian world seems to be enjoying...I look around at half hearted christians and feel like giving them a shake...don't you know how lucky you are...to be able to sit in church without being terrorised and tormented...sort of thing....oh how I wish i could go back in time and be able to enjoy church....and worship music...the way I used to...without the constant fear...I miss the way it used to be, and don't know how to get it back....

I am so sorry about the long post...I really didn't mean for it to be this long...once I got started it just kept coming....anyway....I would love so much to hear the testimony of others....and what has helped....

 

[SnowTiger]

I keep getting horrible thoughts too. I want to be forgiven, but my thoughts are one sin after another. There is no end to my sin.

 

[faroukfarouk]

I keep getting horrible thoughts too. I want to be forgiven, but my thoughts are one sin after another. There is no end to my sin.

Hi; Hebrews 9 speaks of cleansing the conscience; Philippians 4.8 speaks of how to use one's mind.

 

[SarahsKnight]

I keep getting horrible thoughts too. I want to be forgiven, but my thoughts are one sin after another. There is no end to my sin.

The thoughts only keep coming because you do not want them, because they cause you anxiety more or less (and whatever happens, do not fool or mentally talk yourself into thinking that deep down inside you desire these blasphemous thoughts; that is the same trap many people with our condition fall into). I know .... I KNOW without a doubt that God does not hold these thoughts against you as sin or evil.

Hang in there, SnowTiger. Unfortunately it may be a long battle uphill for you until your mind can be trained to relax and the thoughts just go away (or at least barely show up anymore) with time.

 

[SnowTiger]

The thoughts only keep coming because you do not want them, because they cause you anxiety more or less (and whatever happens, do not fool or mentally talk yourself into thinking that deep down inside you desire these blasphemous thoughts; that is the same trap many people with our condition fall into). I know .... I KNOW without a doubt that God does not hold these thoughts against you as sin or evil.

Hang in there, SnowTiger. Unfortunately it may be a long battle uphill for you until your mind can be trained to relax and the thoughts just go away (or at least barely show up anymore) with time.

Thank you for your kind words. I really feel like I'm going to hell.

 

[Mari17]

I keep getting horrible thoughts too. I want to be forgiven, but my thoughts are one sin after another. There is no end to my sin.

Remember that OCD blasphemous thoughts are not sins, because you don't mean them (even though you feel like you do). Keep treating them as OCD!! If you don't know how, then feel free to ask more questions. You can be free, it just takes a lot of work!

 

[BrianX]

I have a very similar story.
Below I have quoted a post that I posted in reply to another person on here.
This is hard for me to post because I am so ashamed of talking about the way I used to be, but if the story of my past can help people rationalize these uwanted thoughts then I am happy to share it:

Do you see now? When your heart is far from God, you don't care about the unforgivable sin! It's normally when you try and get closer to him that this happens. OCD only attacks what people value highly, otherwise it would have no power would it? For those of us who have Scrupulosity it attacks our faith because WE CARE.
I know this is such a difficult illness to live with but you are not alone.

Thank you, this has helped me tremendously!

 

[BrianX]

Believe me when I say this to you. Your physical pain is not from God, it is from the severe emotional anxiety and depression associated with OCD Scrupulosity. Believe I have gone through all you are going through. You are not condemned. This is false thinking based on deeply rooted anxiety disorder. God may allow us to go through storms in life, but it is for our ultimate good. You are not unforgiveable either. The only unforgiveable sin is when people continually, willfully, completely, and hatefully reject Jesus as God, Lord, and Savior. It's not that God couldn't or wouldn't save these kind of people it is that these people harden their own hearts by their own choice and will never repent because they never want to. You on the other hand are not one of those people. You are a born again Christian who has called upon and trusted on Jesus Christ alone for salvation. You cannot lose your salvation in Christ, because your salvation is in Christ and not yourself. Please smile and eat right drink plenty of water and start going for walks reading your Bible and praying and singing songs to the Lord in your heart. This pain you are under is a result of OCD, it is not God's punishment. Anxiety and depression can do some really weird things to the body. Jesus loves you. You just need to realize that and walk in Him. I'm praying for you.

Thank you so much, this has helped me a lot! Praise God!

 

[Eso]

I'm kinda experiencing the same thing that you are going through. I have horrible blasphemous thoughts that I don't want to think. I am really scared because I don't want to go to hell and I don't want to be punished. I also have horrible thoughts of hell most of the time i am always living in fear I'm so scared that I have committed blasphemy against the Holy Spirit because of these blasphemous thoughts that I don't want. I'm so scared because I don't want to be go to hell because of those thoughts someone please help me

 

[God is good]

I'm kinda experiencing the same thing that you are going through. I have horrible blasphemous thoughts that I don't want to think. I am really scared because I don't want to go to hell and I don't want to be punished. I also have horrible thoughts of hell most of the time i am always living in fear I'm so scared that I have committed blasphemy against the Holy Spirit because of these blasphemous thoughts that I don't want. I'm so scared because I don't want to be go to hell because of those thoughts someone please help me

I know how you feel, just know that because you don't want these thoughts then they are not yours. You are really loved by Jesus and God loves you very much, if you ever want to talk you can message me. God bless you and Jesus is Lord.