Hook me in 20 words or less

[Proud Christian 2]

He was slowing down. He heard their footsteps echo behind him. He had to keep on running. Or they would get him.

 

[Radagast]

Some of my favourites (without having read the whole thread):

At twenty past three, when every window in the BB Diner exploded outward, I was already running for my life.

A good action line! I want to know what happens next!

Daisy had been dead for years. But suddenly, a black dog ran by the window. My mother turned to me and said, "Go check the grave."

Macabre, but promising!

Y'know, waking up in Hell isn't that bad - providing you have a good cup of coffee.

Sounds like a day at work...

I hadn't meant to shoot the bird. I hadn't meant to even fire the gun. How was I supposed to know it'd send my whole world to hell? It was a sparrow, for crying out loud.

It's over 20 words, but it hooks me too. What's special about this sparrow?

Andrea looked nervously at the couple who had answered the door. "Hello, you don't know me. I'm Andrea, your daughter."

This also makes me curious. What's Andrea's story? What has her life been like? Will her parents want to know her?

But Stephen King is right: the adverb is not our friend. We should show, not tell. I think it would be better to have something like: 'Andrea trembled as a man and a woman answered the door. "You don't know me. I'm Andrea, your daughter."'

Or: 'Andrea's stomach knotted as she looked at the couple in the doorway. "Hello, you don't know me, but I'm your daughter Andrea."'

 

[Radagast]

Daisy had been dead for years. But suddenly, a black dog ran by the window. My mother turned to me and said, "Go check the grave."

Actually, I want to rewrite that one too, so it's even better:

'Daisy had been dead for years. I'd buried her myself, and her favourite bone with her. But when a large black dog ran by the window, my mother turned to me and said, "Go check the grave."'

 

[Proud Christian 2]

He was running. They were running faster. He felt for his gun. He held it in his trembling hands.

 

[Proud Christian 2]

I looked back. The turtles were gaining. I drew what I thought to be my last breath, but in a flash, Bob returned.

 

[Proud Christian 2]

The zombies were approaching slowly. I took out my sword. "Fellow flesh-man. We come to eat your carcass and walk away. Put the sword away."

 

[Proud Christian 2]

"This tastes good." Rob said, finishing the bannana. "Thanks. I bled on it for flavor." Rob's friend said, showing off his large canine teeth.

 

[shirono]

A few opening lines from my stories, over 20 words, but hooking you with the first line ain't bad right?

[FONT=&quot]“No!” Raith said again, with a little more force and a lot more volume than he had the last ten times he said it. [/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]Raith knew that he should really stop giving her ideas, it wasn’t healthy. [/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]The two cloaked figures watched the bustle of the crowds leaving the castle commons at the end of the day. [/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]The night was cold and Emily shivered as she pulled her jacket tighter around herself. [/FONT]
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The daughter of a French Duke in the 18th century couldn't possibly still be alive; the trouble is I am that daughter. It's the year 2008 and I'm still here.

 

[Proud Christian 2]

The man brandishing the phone got closer. "Don't touch me!" Shouted Brady, "I just washed my hands!"

 

[Proud Christian 2]

Everyone was making a lot of noise. The party was getting wild, and so were the dragons.

 

[Proud Christian 2]

"I don't get it." Joe told his friend, "Just because I dine on the blood of mortals doesn't mean I'm a bad person."

 

[Proud Christian 2]

"One thing," Rob said, talking to his friend on a summer day, "How can we be on the ceiling, eating ice cream, with an orangatang?"

 

[Proud Christian 2]

I was running for my life, again. Not by thugs, or aliens, but squirrels. Red eyed squirrels, with guns.

 

[Proud Christian 2]

"Put the gun on the ground." The man shouted. I turned around, and tried to run. It was then I realized we were underwater.

 

[Proud Christian 2]

"Snugglebuddy!" Shouted Lorrensa as she jumped into my arms. It was then I noticed the knife in her hand.

 

[Proud Christian 2]

"You can run!" The Lord after me as I ran, "But I'll still get you! And when I do, you'll pay for your defiance!" Lord Argrain shouted.

 

[therewalksalady]

oo, i love this exercise! here's my contribution [it's 26 words, i hope that's ok]:

"the sunset lit up the sky in ways that i'm sure others would wax poetic about, but i really couldn't care less; i had bigger problems."

 

[Tinkerbell33]

I could not escape the beady eyes, their gaze entrapped me with its merciless power

 

[Proud Christian 2]

"Pathetic fool" The Voice whispered to me, "You cannot run from me, I am everywhere!"

 

[Tariel]

Not again. If I caught my roommate hanging the heads of her victims outside my window again, she would suffer.