Honesty vs. a good relationship?

[graciesings]

Would you keep secrets from someone you love because they would be upset and it would possibly destroy the relationship if you told?

Would you keep big secrets from a loved one for this reason?

Would you keep little secrets? where to draw the line?

 

[Cute Tink]

Would you keep secrets from someone you love because they would be upset and it would possibly destroy the relationship if you told?

I didn't even admit something to myself for a long time and made the mistake of hiding it from my ex. Admitting it did kill the relationship. Granted it wasn't the only problem in the relationship...

Would you keep big secrets from a loved one for this reason?

Not again, no.

Would you keep little secrets? where to draw the line?

I would guess it depends on what keeping secrets entails. Is it something that just hasn't been brought up yet? Maybe you've been thinking about it, but haven't said anything? If the subject has come up and you've had the option to speak up, I think you should.

I do differentiate between keeping secrets and lying about things though.

 

[keith99]

Depends a lot on what means by keeping secrets.

If one were to bring up every dark or potentially upsetting thought they have it is all but a sure thing it would ruin a relationship.

 

[Legal_Eagle]

Would you keep secrets from someone you love because they would be upset and it would possibly destroy the relationship if you told?

Would you keep big secrets from a loved one for this reason?

Would you keep little secrets? where to draw the line?

If your relationship would be destroyed by sharing everything about yourself to other person, it's doomed from the start. Who you are is a compilation of everything you are; not just the things you chose to share. Honestly, I think the best way to approach this line, is to not draw it. If you already have, come clean and let things fall where they may. Dishonesty in a relationship is a cancer. It never stays hidden forever, and only grow the chasm between you, your partner, and the person they think you are. Come on Gracie, you don't seem like the lyin' type

 

[dayhiker]

In the past I kept a few secrets, but I'd not do it again.

 

[JackofSpades]

If one were to bring up every dark or potentially upsetting thought they have it is all but a sure thing it would ruin a relationship.

I hate it when people come at me like "I have to confess that I thought something bad about you". I'm like, well, as long as you didn't do anything bad, keep that to yourself.

I don't expect people close to me to think highly about me all the time, that would be like demanding worship imo.

 

[keith99]

I hate it when people come at me like "I have to confess that I thought something bad about you". I'm like, well, as long as you didn't do anything bad, keep that to yourself.

I don't expect people close to me to think highly about me all the time, that would be like demanding worship imo.

I have to admit that perhaps the best compliment I ever received started with 'I wanted to hate you'. I'll not go into details, lets just say that the person who said it had a whole lot of work dumped on him because someone he worked with and liked in a volunteer situation hated me and walked out rather than associating with me. He ended up with the work of 2 and a poisoned first introduction by proxy.

The followup was, 'But I couldn't'. Seems I was just to nice and helpful!

This could fall under that, but the continuation rather changes it.

 

[Legal_Eagle]

I hate it when people come at me like "I have to confess that I thought something bad about you". I'm like, well, as long as you didn't do anything bad, keep that to yourself.

I don't expect people close to me to think highly about me all the time, that would be like demanding worship imo.

I think what the OP was talking about was more than the issue of tactfulness. If your partner went to a lot of trouble to make you a special meal and you didn't like it, there is a difference between telling her how terrible it is, or phrasing things in such a way as to make her work seem appreciated. I think the OP is talking about one of thse proverbial "skeletons" in the closet, that if revealed, would terminate a relationship. Those things you should not hide, imo...

 

[JackofSpades]

I think the OP is talking about one of thse proverbial "skeletons" in the closet, that if revealed, would terminate a relationship. Those things you should not hide, imo...

Yes I know, I was answering to Keith99 because I think he made a good point. There is reasonable honesty, and then there can be unhealthy obsession with being honest and revealing everything inappropriate.

 

[TheGirlOnFire]

Would you keep secrets from someone you love because they would be upset and it would possibly destroy the relationship if you told?

Would you keep big secrets from a loved one for this reason?

Would you keep little secrets? where to draw the line?

It depends, i have't really every kept a secret from my OH i even told him when people were talking about his mum and dad at their wedding renewals about how his dad cheated on his mum alot, i think he was a bit shocked at that........


If it was something i did then yes i would still stay, not about every thought i had....

But then he lied to me ALL the time actually his secrets were huge, i know what he was doing, i tried and many times did catch him out, it is actually so insulting that someone would think you were stupid enough to fall for it (My partner had a drug problem possible cheated i don't know i never caught on that and i don't care now if he did )Don't try to hide anything serious, the truth ends up coming out somehow .

 

[Bobthemotorcycle]

.

 

[Gnarwhal]

Would you keep secrets from someone you love because they would be upset and it would possibly destroy the relationship if you told?

Would you keep big secrets from a loved one for this reason?

Would you keep little secrets? where to draw the line?

Depends on the secret. If the secret involves me and it's something unscrupulous, then the right thing to do would probably be to come clean. If it involves someone else, it's not really my business to reveal a secret.

When dealing with secrets, one has to consider the big picture. Is revealing the truth a worthwhile thing to do or is it just going to create unnecessary drama?

 

[Nanopants]

Within the context of a romantic relationship, I just can't keep secrets. It's actually a big problem because there are times when I goof up, break something or fail to do what I was asked, and telling her would accomplish absolutely nothing and only make her angry, yet I can never keep it back for long. My conscience knows no discretion.

 

[Sketcher]

Is a "good relationship" really based on deception?

When does a secret turn into a lie?

 

[Gnarwhal]

The problem is that it's not all-or-nothing with secrets. I mean, some secrets can be for their benefit. Anything ranging from a surprise party to maybe something that is not necessary for her to know (nor is it necessarily dishonest or harmful) and knowledge of it would only cause pain or despair.

 

[sundewgrower]

Sometimes there is too much transparency.
EI it's not a big deal but if it's mentioned too early it could be seen as a big deal.
Or if it's resolved years ago, and you're just trying to relate to somebody but it's quickly blown out of proportion.
(I treat some things more seriously than most, so how it's seen can be off)
Then you can be see in a poor light.. Timing, and how it's presented can be important.
Withholding or hiding anything isn't wise.

 

[graciesings]

Update:

I wanted to clarify that I am not (just) asking this in the sense of a romantic relationship. I have run into this question a number of times recently with family members and old friends....

If your relationship would be destroyed by sharing everything about yourself to other person, it's doomed from the start. Who you are is a compilation of everything you are; not just the things you chose to share. Honestly, I think the best way to approach this line, is to not draw it. If you already have, come clean and let things fall where they may. Dishonesty in a relationship is a cancer. It never stays hidden forever, and only grow the chasm between you, your partner, and the person they think you are. Come on Gracie, you don't seem like the lyin' type

Thanks and you're right that I don't like to lie.

So you think that in most cases, the problems caused by dishonesty would have more negative effects than being honest about the situation?

 

[Legal_Eagle]

Update:

I wanted to clarify that I am not (just) asking this in the sense of a romantic relationship. I have run into this question a number of times recently with family members and old friends....



Thanks and you're right that I don't like to lie.

So you think that in most cases, the problems caused by dishonesty would have more negative effects than being honest about the situation?

Well, there are times that situationally hiding the truth is for a greater good... like a surprise birthday party. Being dishonest about oneself though... the skeleton in the closest stuff, never is worth hiding. Our good and bad is who we are... for better or worse.

 

[Bobthemotorcycle]

.

 

[CCHIPSS]

I told my ex some truth about my past, and we broke up soon after. I know for a fact my past has something to do with it. She even advise me afterwards

"Some truths, if you already overcame them and will not affect the present, there is no need to tell your next GF at all. Just stay blurry."

I think I will take this to heart. No one else will ever find out that past about me. Some truths can only damage the current relationship.

In fact I think it is prideful to say "I deserve a GF/BF that knows everything about me and will still love me." What makes you believe that you deserve such a GF/BF? What if he/she doesn't? Are you mentally prepared to take this loss if things go badly?