Hi, I’m Meghan.

[free2bealways]

I am a writer, a hoper, a dreamer, a believer.

My name is Meghan. I recently turned 30. I was emotionally and verbally abused, neglected and sexually abused by different people. I was raised with a warped view of God, but over the last four years, God has been persuing me, writing me love letters, making promises unique to me and even healing parts of me I either didn’t know where broken or thought would be broken forever. Reshaping my view of Him.

I am here because yesterday, I realized I had cptsd and wanted to connect with other people who understand what I’m going through because a lot of people don’t. I found another forum for cptsd, but they don’t want you to talk about God and reading the posts just felt very dark, where I see light here. I feel like God is the only way out of this.

I have forgiven the people who hurt me, all of them and continue to do so as I think of new things. I understand they did the best they could with what they had, even if it was horribly inadequate and unfair to me. They are broken too. God healed my social anxiety and the ptsd from two attempted sexual assault (which He also protected me from). I have learned about boundaries and been practicing with them for a few years now. I no longer cry at the drop of a hat and my pain no longer oozes into every conversation. I have more confidence than I have ever had before. I feel more myself than ever before.

I thought I was fully or nearly fully healed with maybe a few smaller issues to deal with like persistent anxiety and insomnia. Maybe I needed to learn how to be happy, reshape my thoughts. But yesterday, everything snapped into sharp focus when I learned about cptsd. For the first time, I found a word that explained everything I have been struggling with for my entire life. And I am overwhelmed by how big the problem is. I feel like most people I know, including my own family, don’t understand or tolerate any of this.

I’m in a really desperate place. God told me who my husband would be but to wait a year. I didn’t wait and so we dated for a year and then he shattered my heart. God has promised that I haven’t met his true self. And I believe it. The person I am now was hidden under so many layers of fear, I didn’t know she was there. And I still have a lot more layers to dig through. Plus, He gave me a verse to confirm His promise. Surprisingly, I’m not as upset about that as I have been about previous break ups. I’m trying to forgive him, but no matter how many times I try, I find myself imagining seeing him again and I just get angry. So obviously, there is more there to work on. Reconciliation requires two people. Forgivessness requires one and it sets you free. So anyway, now I have to wait longer.

I’ve been unemployed for a while. I have student loans, credit debt from being under/unemployed too much in the last few years. Had a lot of physical and mental health issues.

I’m kind of at a place where I’m not sure God actually wants me to work right now. Every time I’d seriously look into jobs, I’d get sick. And then I got a verse suggesting that maybe I’m not supposed to right now. Every time I ask Him what He wants for me this season, He says, “Rest in me,” but I don’t understand what that means or how it works. Like it doesn’t compute.

I’m living with my dad in an RV. He has no understanding or tolerance for my problems. Though I know he doesn’t mean harm, his words are often critical and judgmental, which is the opposite of what I need right now. It’s messy here, my bed is so uncomfortable, it impacts my sleep. And I already struggle with sleep anyway. Always have. There are too many animals, constant messes, judgement. Lack of boundaries, etc. It’s just so hard and too much to deal with.

I feel really isolated, I’ve had trouble feeling like I fit in and making friends my whole life but God finally connected me to two awesome people, but now I’m 2,000 miles away. I know I will return, but that doesn’t much help me now.

God has verbally promised me pretty much everything I’ve ever truly wanted, like a “good husband” and “loving friends,” but it’s hard. It’s like my brain believes God will not let me down, does not lie, but my heart can’t believe that anyone would do something that nice for me. That any guy could actually truly love me and not be out for himself all the time. That God would pick /me/ for some of the blessings He’s promised. And then I’m also scared I’m gonna let Him down when He finally does bless me.

The criteria for one of my blessings is faith. I have so much trouble trusting /anyone/, even God, but I’m trying so hard. I worry it’s not enough.

I’m hoping to connect with people who have experienced similar experiences, are coping with cpsd, or maybe have come out there other side. I’d really like to connect with other Christians. I’m so tired of people shutting me down or blaming me for where I’m at or judging me. I really need to find a safe place. And I don’t even know what that looks like. :’(

 

[mukk_in]

Hello Meghan, welcome to CF.

 

[moonlit]

Hi Meghan
Hope you find some nice people to connect with here.

 

[Sketcher]

Welcome.

Good to hear of your progress.

You seem to have anxiety and fear about whether or not you are doing the right things for God to bless your life. Over what job to get, should you even get a job, is this man the one God wants me to marry, is your faith good enough to please God enough to get him to do good for you. God is better than that. I have never known him to be a God that micromanages you through the banalities of life, punishing you for applying to McDonald's when he wanted you to apply to Burger King. The reality is that God is much more concerned with you loving him with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength and with loving your neighbor as yourself than he is with where you earn your paycheck (unless you have to commit a sin listed in the Bible to earn that paycheck). You are free to apply for jobs, and to work at the best job you can get right now. Leave the rest to him, that's how you rest in him.

And with dating - how did you know God was the one telling you that you would marry that man? It is very common for our anxieties or our desires to influence us into thinking that God said that we should or shouldn't get together with someone, we have to grow out of that. Growing faith helps us grow out of that.

 

[maintenance man]

Welcome Meghan! You're right - there is light here. I'm glad you found us.

 

[YochananNorth]

I really appreciate you sharing your story. I've been going through my own struggle that has left me with mental/emotional issues, and I can relate to you in some ways. I also feel very isolated, because I don't have any friends. My wife (or should I say ex now? I don't even know...) was my only friend, and she pretty much abandoned me. I also came here to this forum to connect with others, because having people to talk to helps a lot with depression.

I've been reading Job, and I have felt a lot of comparison to Job, only I'm no where near as righteous as Job was.

 

[musicalpilgrim]

I am a writer, a hoper, a dreamer, a believer.

My name is Meghan. I recently turned 30. I was emotionally and verbally abused, neglected and sexually abused by different people. I was raised with a warped view of God, but over the last four years, God has been persuing me, writing me love letters, making promises unique to me and even healing parts of me I either didn’t know where broken or thought would be broken forever. Reshaping my view of Him.

I am here because yesterday, I realized I had cptsd and wanted to connect with other people who understand what I’m going through because a lot of people don’t. I found another forum for cptsd, but they don’t want you to talk about God and reading the posts just felt very dark, where I see light here. I feel like God is the only way out of this.

I have forgiven the people who hurt me, all of them and continue to do so as I think of new things. I understand they did the best they could with what they had, even if it was horribly inadequate and unfair to me. They are broken too. God healed my social anxiety and the ptsd from two attempted sexual assault (which He also protected me from). I have learned about boundaries and been practicing with them for a few years now. I no longer cry at the drop of a hat and my pain no longer oozes into every conversation. I have more confidence than I have ever had before. I feel more myself than ever before.

I thought I was fully or nearly fully healed with maybe a few smaller issues to deal with like persistent anxiety and insomnia. Maybe I needed to learn how to be happy, reshape my thoughts. But yesterday, everything snapped into sharp focus when I learned about cptsd. For the first time, I found a word that explained everything I have been struggling with for my entire life. And I am overwhelmed by how big the problem is. I feel like most people I know, including my own family, don’t understand or tolerate any of this.

I’m in a really desperate place. God told me who my husband would be but to wait a year. I didn’t wait and so we dated for a year and then he shattered my heart. God has promised that I haven’t met his true self. And I believe it. The person I am now was hidden under so many layers of fear, I didn’t know she was there. And I still have a lot more layers to dig through. Plus, He gave me a verse to confirm His promise. Surprisingly, I’m not as upset about that as I have been about previous break ups. I’m trying to forgive him, but no matter how many times I try, I find myself imagining seeing him again and I just get angry. So obviously, there is more there to work on. Reconciliation requires two people. Forgivessness requires one and it sets you free. So anyway, now I have to wait longer.

I’ve been unemployed for a while. I have student loans, credit debt from being under/unemployed too much in the last few years. Had a lot of physical and mental health issues.

I’m kind of at a place where I’m not sure God actually wants me to work right now. Every time I’d seriously look into jobs, I’d get sick. And then I got a verse suggesting that maybe I’m not supposed to right now. Every time I ask Him what He wants for me this season, He says, “Rest in me,” but I don’t understand what that means or how it works. Like it doesn’t compute.

I’m living with my dad in an RV. He has no understanding or tolerance for my problems. Though I know he doesn’t mean harm, his words are often critical and judgmental, which is the opposite of what I need right now. It’s messy here, my bed is so uncomfortable, it impacts my sleep. And I already struggle with sleep anyway. Always have. There are too many animals, constant messes, judgement. Lack of boundaries, etc. It’s just so hard and too much to deal with.

I feel really isolated, I’ve had trouble feeling like I fit in and making friends my whole life but God finally connected me to two awesome people, but now I’m 2,000 miles away. I know I will return, but that doesn’t much help me now.

God has verbally promised me pretty much everything I’ve ever truly wanted, like a “good husband” and “loving friends,” but it’s hard. It’s like my brain believes God will not let me down, does not lie, but my heart can’t believe that anyone would do something that nice for me. That any guy could actually truly love me and not be out for himself all the time. That God would pick /me/ for some of the blessings He’s promised. And then I’m also scared I’m gonna let Him down when He finally does bless me.

The criteria for one of my blessings is faith. I have so much trouble trusting /anyone/, even God, but I’m trying so hard. I worry it’s not enough.

I’m hoping to connect with people who have experienced similar experiences, are coping with cpsd, or maybe have come out there other side. I’d really like to connect with other Christians. I’m so tired of people shutting me down or blaming me for where I’m at or judging me. I really need to find a safe place. And I don’t even know what that looks like. :’(

Bless you Meghan, welcome to the forum in Jesus name

 

[Dave-W]

Welcome Meghan!

 

[“Paisios”]

I am a writer, a hoper, a dreamer, a believer.

My name is Meghan. I recently turned 30. I was emotionally and verbally abused, neglected and sexually abused by different people. I was raised with a warped view of God, but over the last four years, God has been persuing me, writing me love letters, making promises unique to me and even healing parts of me I either didn’t know where broken or thought would be broken forever. Reshaping my view of Him.

I am here because yesterday, I realized I had cptsd and wanted to connect with other people who understand what I’m going through because a lot of people don’t. I found another forum for cptsd, but they don’t want you to talk about God and reading the posts just felt very dark, where I see light here. I feel like God is the only way out of this.

I have forgiven the people who hurt me, all of them and continue to do so as I think of new things. I understand they did the best they could with what they had, even if it was horribly inadequate and unfair to me. They are broken too. God healed my social anxiety and the ptsd from two attempted sexual assault (which He also protected me from). I have learned about boundaries and been practicing with them for a few years now. I no longer cry at the drop of a hat and my pain no longer oozes into every conversation. I have more confidence than I have ever had before. I feel more myself than ever before.

I thought I was fully or nearly fully healed with maybe a few smaller issues to deal with like persistent anxiety and insomnia. Maybe I needed to learn how to be happy, reshape my thoughts. But yesterday, everything snapped into sharp focus when I learned about cptsd. For the first time, I found a word that explained everything I have been struggling with for my entire life. And I am overwhelmed by how big the problem is. I feel like most people I know, including my own family, don’t understand or tolerate any of this.

I’m in a really desperate place. God told me who my husband would be but to wait a year. I didn’t wait and so we dated for a year and then he shattered my heart. God has promised that I haven’t met his true self. And I believe it. The person I am now was hidden under so many layers of fear, I didn’t know she was there. And I still have a lot more layers to dig through. Plus, He gave me a verse to confirm His promise. Surprisingly, I’m not as upset about that as I have been about previous break ups. I’m trying to forgive him, but no matter how many times I try, I find myself imagining seeing him again and I just get angry. So obviously, there is more there to work on. Reconciliation requires two people. Forgivessness requires one and it sets you free. So anyway, now I have to wait longer.

I’ve been unemployed for a while. I have student loans, credit debt from being under/unemployed too much in the last few years. Had a lot of physical and mental health issues.

I’m kind of at a place where I’m not sure God actually wants me to work right now. Every time I’d seriously look into jobs, I’d get sick. And then I got a verse suggesting that maybe I’m not supposed to right now. Every time I ask Him what He wants for me this season, He says, “Rest in me,” but I don’t understand what that means or how it works. Like it doesn’t compute.

I’m living with my dad in an RV. He has no understanding or tolerance for my problems. Though I know he doesn’t mean harm, his words are often critical and judgmental, which is the opposite of what I need right now. It’s messy here, my bed is so uncomfortable, it impacts my sleep. And I already struggle with sleep anyway. Always have. There are too many animals, constant messes, judgement. Lack of boundaries, etc. It’s just so hard and too much to deal with.

I feel really isolated, I’ve had trouble feeling like I fit in and making friends my whole life but God finally connected me to two awesome people, but now I’m 2,000 miles away. I know I will return, but that doesn’t much help me now.

God has verbally promised me pretty much everything I’ve ever truly wanted, like a “good husband” and “loving friends,” but it’s hard. It’s like my brain believes God will not let me down, does not lie, but my heart can’t believe that anyone would do something that nice for me. That any guy could actually truly love me and not be out for himself all the time. That God would pick /me/ for some of the blessings He’s promised. And then I’m also scared I’m gonna let Him down when He finally does bless me.

The criteria for one of my blessings is faith. I have so much trouble trusting /anyone/, even God, but I’m trying so hard. I worry it’s not enough.

I’m hoping to connect with people who have experienced similar experiences, are coping with cpsd, or maybe have come out there other side. I’d really like to connect with other Christians. I’m so tired of people shutting me down or blaming me for where I’m at or judging me. I really need to find a safe place. And I don’t even know what that looks like. :’(

Welcome to CF. I hope you find here friendship, fellowship, and healing with those who have shared similar struggles.

 

[sunshine100]

Hello and welcome

 

[Lost4words]

Welcome. Hows Harry by the way?

 

[Brotherly Spirit]

Hello Meghan, it's good you're coming here having a sense for belonging. I believe this is the heart of why the Lord has called and why many of us answer. We're his people chosen for his family as brothers and sisters of God our heavenly Father. I hope on Christian Forums you find familiarity and peace with us.

 

[Marvelloustime]

Hi Meghan and welcome.
You'll find the love and support you need here.
X

 

[free2bealways]

Welcome.

Good to hear of your progress.

You seem to have anxiety and fear about whether or not you are doing the right things for God to bless your life. Over what job to get, should you even get a job, is this man the one God wants me to marry, is your faith good enough to please God enough to get him to do good for you. God is better than that. I have never known him to be a God that micromanages you through the banalities of life, punishing you for applying to McDonald's when he wanted you to apply to Burger King. The reality is that God is much more concerned with you loving him with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength and with loving your neighbor as yourself than he is with where you earn your paycheck (unless you have to commit a sin listed in the Bible to earn that paycheck). You are free to apply for jobs, and to work at the best job you can get right now. Leave the rest to him, that's how you rest in him.

Thank you for your encouraging words. I have actually found that God has led me to specific jobs in the past. Though I am not sure I can handle it at the moment with what’s going on with me emotionally. I deal well ith so much on a daily basis, I just don’t know if I have enough in me right now to work also. Plus, the key message in my current journey is to trust God and not rely on my own understand and resources, which He’s been stripping away over the last four years so I’ll get the point and let go of my money idol. Money does not equal security, as I’d been hoping all this time.

 

[free2bealways]

And with dating - how did you know God was the one telling you that you would marry that man? It is very common for our anxieties or our desires to influence us into thinking that God said that we should or shouldn't get together with someone, we have to grow out of that. Growing faith helps us grow out of that.

I know all too well what it’s like to want something or someone so badly, you see signs for it everywhere. About four years ago, I stopped asking God for anyone in particular. I told God He could pick, but I prayed for certain characteristics like honesty. I’ve never seen a good marriage up close, and I’m terrified of making the wrong choice. I figured God would know better than me what He was doing.

I’d been talking to this guy for a number of months and I really liked him, but I refused to date him, rejected him four times because of where his relationship with God was. It was really, really hard. Like so hard. I’d never done that before. I was whining and crying about it one night (but not asking God for him, just like make this easier or take it away.)

God said “Trust me.” So I went to sleep. Sure enough, the guy started talking to me again, fighting for me, even though he’d promised he was done.

A few days later, God said “It’s him.” And I knew He meant my husband, but I was like no way you’re telling me that. And I want it too much to believe it’s really You. But the voice persisted. Even the next day, I kept hearing it until I believed it, not once since.

My cat, Lilly, only likes me. Period. Many have tried, no one has succeeded, but I prayed she and my husband would love each other. I was so worried she couldn’t. But the second she met him, she was all over him like she missed him so much. And has never stopped. Honestly, I was a bit jealous because sometimes it seemed like she liked him better. Lol.

When we broke up (because I didn’t listen to God’s request for time to work on him), God gave me Acts 7:13 as a promise, meaning the second time around, he will be his true self and I think the second part means He will introduce his family to God.

You don’t have to believe me, but I’m maxed out on negativity in general, so please keep that to yourself.

All my friends, meaning well of course, were telling me how imperative it was I get a full-time job when I was in daily, excruciating pain and could barely make it through the 15ish hours I was already working. And I just felt like They didn’t get it and I was failing at life. It was devasting. Pain was 8-9 most days. Lost so much blood a couple times that year, I was bedridden for a week twice and struggled with syncopy. Add brain fog. Fatigue. Other stuff. I was barely hanging on. Every month was a little harder. Then my cyst ruptured. And everyone is saying I needed to work? No one seemed to have a clue how hard I was fighting to make it through the day. What I needed was rest.

You can’t know God’s plan for someone else’s life. Sometimes their path follows the predicted trajectory, sometimes it doesn’t. But that’s for me and Him to figure out. I just need support from people, not judgement.

 

[free2bealways]

I really appreciate you sharing your story. I've been going through my own struggle that has left me with mental/emotional issues, and I can relate to you in some ways. I also feel very isolated, because I don't have any friends. My wife (or should I say ex now? I don't even know...) was my only friend, and she pretty much abandoned me. I also came here to this forum to connect with others, because having people to talk to helps a lot with depression.

I've been reading Job, and I have felt a lot of comparison to Job, only I'm no where near as righteous as Job was.

I don’t know what other struggles you are facing, but I know from experience being abandoned and betrayed by your only friend is really hard. I’m sorry she left you.

That’s the rub, isn’t it? You need friends to get healthy, but in my case, I’ve been so isolated my whole life, praying constantly for them, but my brokenness and fear of people kept people in general, but in particular the healthy people I really needed.

I know for a fact if that if you seek out healing through God for every one of your hurts, you will find it. Relentlessly pray, seek counseling, books, group therapy, church classes, whatever and wherever God leads. I’ve found healing for ptsd from two attempted sexual assault and freedom from social anxiety that has made making friends easier. But I still carry the scars of child abuse.

I know God will heal me and I know God will heal you because hurt people hurt people, but emotionally healthy people bring hope and help to the hurting. I may always have migraines, but I will not always suffer from cptsd.

There is hope you too, my friend. I pray God heals you and brings loving relationships into your life. <3

 

[inquiring mind]

Hi Meghan... Welcome to CF! Glad you joined us.

 

[Sam91]

Hi Meghan, welcome to CF!

You trust in Him and for that I rejoice. Any suffering on Earth is only momentary compared to eternity with Him.

God bless you Sister

 

[Sketcher]

I know all too well what it’s like to want something or someone so badly, you see signs for it everywhere. About four years ago, I stopped asking God for anyone in particular. I told God He could pick, but I prayed for certain characteristics like honesty. I’ve never seen a good marriage up close, and I’m terrified of making the wrong choice. I figured God would know better than me what He was doing.

I’d been talking to this guy for a number of months and I really liked him, but I refused to date him, rejected him four times because of where his relationship with God was. It was really, really hard. Like so hard. I’d never done that before. I was whining and crying about it one night (but not asking God for him, just like make this easier or take it away.)

God said “Trust me.” So I went to sleep. Sure enough, the guy started talking to me again, fighting for me, even though he’d promised he was done.

A few days later, God said “It’s him.” And I knew He meant my husband, but I was like no way you’re telling me that. And I want it too much to believe it’s really You. But the voice persisted. Even the next day, I kept hearing it until I believed it, not once since.

My cat, Lilly, only likes me. Period. Many have tried, no one has succeeded, but I prayed she and my husband would love each other. I was so worried she couldn’t. But the second she met him, she was all over him like she missed him so much. And has never stopped. Honestly, I was a bit jealous because sometimes it seemed like she liked him better. Lol.

When we broke up (because I didn’t listen to God’s request for time to work on him), God gave me Acts 7:13 as a promise, meaning the second time around, he will be his true self and I think the second part means He will introduce his family to God.

You don’t have to believe me, but I’m maxed out on negativity in general, so please keep that to yourself.

All my friends, meaning well of course, were telling me how imperative it was I get a full-time job when I was in daily, excruciating pain and could barely make it through the 15ish hours I was already working. And I just felt like They didn’t get it and I was failing at life. It was devasting. Pain was 8-9 most days. Lost so much blood a couple times that year, I was bedridden for a week twice and struggled with syncopy. Add brain fog. Fatigue. Other stuff. I was barely hanging on. Every month was a little harder. Then my cyst ruptured. And everyone is saying I needed to work? No one seemed to have a clue how hard I was fighting to make it through the day. What I needed was rest.

You can’t know God’s plan for someone else’s life. Sometimes their path follows the predicted trajectory, sometimes it doesn’t. But that’s for me and Him to figure out. I just need support from people, not judgement.

Just so you are aware, support was my intention. Whether you are right or wrong about God's guidance with this guy, I want your faith to last and grow. That doesn't happen for everybody who is wrong about God's guidance, and that's not saying you are right or wrong on that in this instance.

 

[LWoodall]

Dear Meghan, I am very glad you have found this place. Thank you for sharing your story and your feelings! I am sorry you are still struggling a lot and have been through so much! I know from experience that counseling can be of great help and most importantly is God's guidance for everything in your life. May He bless you abundantly!