Hiya, Nikki.
I just want to tell ya what I'm sure you've heard before...these thoughts are from the devil.
But, how do you know they are from him, & not from you? Well...if you've got a few minutes (& some patience) I'd like to point out a few things from The Word.
Look at the ONE shot satan had to derail Jesus before He started on His ministry to the world...after He came out of the 40 days & nights in the wilderness. Afterwards, he was hungry.
Satan: If you're the son of God, make these stones into bread.
Jesus: It is written "Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God"
Then the devil took Him up onto the very tip-top of the temple in Jerusalem.
Satan: If you're the Son of God, jump! It's written "He will tell His angels to protect you, they will lift You up so you don't even stub Your toe on a rock!"
Jesus: It is also written "You shall not tempt the Lord your God."
Then the devil took Him to a REALLY high mountain & showed Him all the kingdoms of the world.
Satan: I will give you ALL of this, if you just kneel down and worship me!
Jesus: Get away from me, Satan...for it is written "You shall worship the Lord your God and only Him will you serve"
And Satan left Him.
Why do I say all that? To say this; notice what satan DIDN'T do. He didn't pick up the stone and clobber JC over the head with it. He didn't take him to the top of the temple and...push Him off. He didn't force Him to His knees and make Him worship him.
Why not? The devil sure had the opportunity to do those things...this was a man who had gone FORTY days without eating or drinking more than was absolutely required for survival. He was WEAK (in body)...satan could have beat Him over the head with that stone and probably gotten no resistance at all.
Why?....because....he couldn't. Satan's plans, traps, snares, tricks, temptations, whatever you want to call them, have one common element...that's YOUR compliance. YOU have to play your part in his plans, or his plans amount to nothing. All he can do is offer you choices...turn the stone to bread, jump off the temple, kneel at my feet, take a bite of the fruit, etc. He makes it tempting...he lies and twists scripture (look at when he talked to Jesus, he actually quoted scripture to enhance the temptation)...but its YOU that has to do the deed.
He wants you to kill yourself, sister....because HE CAN'T KILL YOU HIMSELF. He will use everything at his disposal; lies, twisted scripture, disease, anything in his filthy little bag of tricks. But don't let that scare you. Look at how our Lord fought him...with The Word. Not by calling fire from heaven, no legions of angels, no lightning bolts from the eyes...The Word. Not just words...The Word. He submitted Himself to God(by using The Word as His sword of the spirit), resisted the devil and the devil fled.
Thats why, its safe to say beyond a shadow of a doubt, that it is satans plan for you to kill yourself. He'd do it himself, but he can't. He HAS to get you to do it. Don't let him win, sister.
I will pray for your strength and understanding. God bless you!
T777