Help.

[Endeavourer]

Read this link, substituting the concept of her addiction to her son for the word "alcohol".

Alcoholic Spouse #1

You have recently made some progress by coming to an agreement (that she signed) to evict your son under certain conditions. And she is honoring that for now. I pray that she progresses to full recovery.

 

[FGEH]

The wife just text me. She has back tracked again. She always does which is half the problem. She wants him to come home under “stricter rules” that he will never follow.
Apparently her Dad, Social Services, her girls at work and the Police say he should come home. I don’t care even if they did. They have no idea of the Hell he has caused for years and I would like to see how they would deal with it if it was them. I told her very lovingly that I was willing to support her emotionally and financially and even her son who I offered the same once he had his own accommodation but, I told her I just cannot support or agree to him returning home and even though I never said it, she knows what it will mean if he returns. I never received a text back.
I don’t care what anyone outside of my house says/thinks. I have given everything I can. (although The wife will certainly disagree) My heart and Conscious is clear. I will be fine. I have already accepted it. I will move on in life ok. The wife however will be destroyed by him inside off 12 months and I won’t be able to do anything about it. I can however, protect my daughter and I will not allow him to poison her.
I know the game my wife plays. She will call my bluff, let him back in, know I will be angry and threaten to leave and be angry for a few days but then she will turn her attention to me. She will use sex as a weapon and promise me everything is going to be fine. Then a week or two later, do it all over again. Not this time. I can no longer stand the systematic abuse from him and also the wife over the years.
I must ask God to show me courage I have been lacking these past few years and remove myself from the poisonous, toxic environment where I am constantly promised better times but they just get worse.
I understand Maternal instincts but, when it comes to the pure criminality that has been displayed here, I think the wife is more delusional than maternal.

 

[Endeavourer]

The wife just text me. She has back tracked again. She always does which is half the problem. She wants him to come home under “stricter rules” that he will never follow.
Apparently her Dad, Social Services, her girls at work and the Police say he should come home. I don’t care even if they did. They have no idea of the Hell he has caused for years and I would like to see how they would deal with it if it was them. I told her very lovingly that I was willing to support her emotionally and financially and even her son who I offered the same once he had his own accommodation but, I told her I just cannot support or agree to him returning home and even though I never said it, she knows what it will mean if he returns. I never received a text back.
I don’t care what anyone outside of my house says/thinks. I have given everything I can. (although The wife will certainly disagree) My heart and Conscious is clear. I will be fine. I have already accepted it. I will move on in life ok. The wife however will be destroyed by him inside off 12 months and I won’t be able to do anything about it. I can however, protect my daughter and I will not allow him to poison her.
I know the game my wife plays. She will call my bluff, let him back in, know I will be angry and threaten to leave and be angry for a few days but then she will turn her attention to me. She will use sex as a weapon and promise me everything is going to be fine. Then a week or two later, do it all over again. Not this time. I can no longer stand the systematic abuse from him and also the wife over the years.
I must ask God to show me courage I have been lacking these past few years and remove myself from the poisonous, toxic environment where I am constantly promised better times but they just get worse.
I understand Maternal instincts but, when it comes to the pure criminality that has been displayed here, I think the wife is more delusional than maternal.

Excellent plan of action. Stay firm (but kind) with what you need. Decisions that affect your health or destroy the marriage are not subject to negotiation.

When an addict cannot leave her substance (the toxicity of her son), you cannot sustain a marriage. She will always put her substance ahead of you. It is so sad that she is in this fog of addiction so she cannot see it straight.

 

[Endeavourer]

Just focus on thinking strategically through this crisis, and not emotionally.

 

[FGEH]

I feel the most content I have in a long time. For me, it will go one of two ways, 1. The son will go into the hostel, seek the help he needs. This will rescue our marriage and in the long term would be best for everyone. 2. The wife moves the son back home. I separate and after some real pain short term, I know I will be fine long term.
I have been in great pain these last few years so a little more whist separating won't be much. Whilst very hard for my wife, both of these options ensure my sanity in the future and hopefully a happy life.
God is looking after me and he has a plan for me and whatever happens, he has my back.

 

[sdmsanjose]

Quote by Endeavourer
@sdmsanjose, great advice. FGEH cannot tolerate the son coming back. Do you know of any books about addicts that were particularly good that may help FGEH's wife.

The only book that I know of that helped my wife with our addicted son was the scriptures…My wife tried to ignore my son and his addiction because it was destroying her. She became completely helpless and devastated so she clung to the scriptures; that helped her. She never failed to back me up in my actions in regards to me trying to save my son…All my efforts failed and I gave up….My son came home after more than 6 years on hard drugs and living in the streets…No one can take the credit for my prodigal son’s coming home in 2008 and has been clean ever since; it was God that protected him and the reason that he has been completely clean for the last NINE YEARS!

Quote by Endeavourer
An addict is incapable of thinking of anyone else while they are craving their next hit. The more your wife understands this the better for her and her son

.
A GREAT truth, that if understood, accepted, and acted upon, can help the mother from enabling and suffering more!!

Quote by FGEH
I fear for all of our safety’s as he is a proud knife carrier (mine previously stolen) and he is unpredictable and violent.

Do not let anything or anyone prevent you from you taking strong actions to protect yourself, your wife, and daughter!

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

I'll throw in my 2 cents after reading the update. First I do not have kids. However I know so many couples who have issues like this. Especially recently with a child that is an addict and the wife makes excuses for the child and is weak.

Your wife is a mom, the instinct to give into her son out of protection is not easy to let go of. Just as the sons instinct to do be an addict and do what he can for the next session are hard to fight. Both are in immense struggles. Our one friends son is a pretty bad addict. After years of dealing with him, the mom and dad finally adding harsher rules. So hes almost never home now. About 3 weeks he went missing and she hasn't heard from him since. At first she was glad he stopped bothering them. But now shes giving into the pressure of him being seemingly gone from the planet.

Which again, her maternal instinct is taking over. Hes still her baby to her. Not sayings its an excuse to give into him. However shes not choosing him over you out of spite as if she doesn't care about you. Shes her own addict with the instincts she has. Which is why it was good to see your wife at first seemed to stick to the plan.

If you feels shes giving in again and the cycle is starting up again, my personal opinion would be install security cams inside and outside the house. I she lets him in, you will see it. If he steals something, you can give the footage to the police and he can be arrested. If they find something on him and it sends him to prison then oh well, he had many chances. You can only go so far before even a door mat gets tired of being stepped on.

Admittedly my feelings on it probably aren't as good as they should be. But I just hate being stepped on over and over and over. I have limits. I'd install an alarm system and locks on windows, doors...etc. Now your wife may be mad, more so if he gets arrested or even put in prison. But this will show you where shes at. She can either hate you and leave you or she will be mad at first then realize it had to be done and accept you had no choice. Obviously you'd want the second outcome.

When our friends wanted to come over with their addict son a few months ago I said no. I didn't want him in our house not only because of his addiction. But because addicts will remember what you have, steal, come back and steal more and when high, hurt you if need be to get something from you to get their next fix.

This is also why I keep a weapon in the house. If someone wants to bang at my door, more so someone bad of course, they will see I am armed and decide its not worth it. Granted that could have dangerous consequences if they decide to come back out of anger with their own weapon.

 

[FGEH]

Well, I arrived home late last night after a few weeks away working and several emotional messages during the day from the wife. She says, she fully understands where I am coming from and the stance I am taking but, she simply cannot put her “child” into the youth hostel and he needs to come home. I told her I fully understood. There is no point in getting angry or upset anymore. I told her I will move into the spare bedroom which she tried to talk me out off and I slept in there last night.
It is now during the day and I am home alone. Tired from the long hours I did at work, emotionally broken from being here and a smashed in back door to fix. The son is no-where to be seen, he is still floating about the mates/drug houses.
It seems to my wife he is only a “child” when it suits her even though he is technically a young adult and should be responsible/accountable for what he has done but, like I said, what’s the point in arguing.
We were actually quite civil for a change. She still has a delusion that he can come home and everything will be ok. She even proposed new terms last night which were just laughable because he will never stick to them.
I have started packing what little I have left and getting it out the house before it gets stolen. None of us can afford to move out until the house is sold so, we are getting past Christmas and then putting the house up for sale.
A truly awful time at an awful time of year to separate but that’s just how it is.
At work, I was very content, strong willed and confident, but now I am home, I feel more crushed by the minute.
I will post all the stages/updates on here in the hope that, in the future this will help anybody else going through similar. I guess my advice up to now would be, “do not marry if you come second to anyone. It will not work.”
God bless.

 

[FGEH]

It is now 2340 at night and after being on the run for 9 days after kicking my back door in, he knocks on the door demanding access. Of course the wife runs down the stairs letting him in without a second thought for how I feel about it.
I have removed what little posestions I have left and now I am in the spare room where I shall stay until the house is sold.
I will never forgive him for this and once I have moved on, I never want to see him again.

 

[Endeavourer]

I'm sorry FGEH. I'm very sorry this ended this way.

You are doing what you need to do.

I pray you are able to find a local job asap so your daughter doesn't have to live with an armed addict, and whatever addict friends he allows into the house. With you gone there will be no limits to how he will run over your wife.

 

[FGEH]

The wife has gone to work this morning leaving me in the house with him. I can’t even look at him he disgusts me that much. He has just settled back in like nothing has happened. Ate a load of food that wasn’t his and is laughing with his mates over the phone. Then I get my wife texting me it will all be ok and we can work it out.

 

[Endeavourer]

I'm glad you're in the process of separating and getting away from this.

I would not accept this selfish demand of your wife's that he be in your house. I would put him out of the house but I'm at a loss as to which specific action I would take right now, under this situation, to get him out of the house today. But I would not allow him to stay in the house - not overnight, not while your wife is gone, not, not, not!

If he is 18 or more, in the US, you can just kick him out and call the cops if necessary. It sounds like it isn't so easy in the UK?

@sdmsanjose might have a suggestion for you?

 

[sdmsanjose]

FGEH


I do not understand your police. You have proof that he is stealing from you and he kicks the door down and you say they will not do anything? Who all are on the title of the home? If your 18 year old son is not on the title then he has committed a crime and in the USA the police will take action. It is hard for me to believe that the police will do nothing. If the home is in your name and your wife then I can see how the police will do nothing regarding breaking and entering as your wife will stop them.


However, stealing your personal property with proof is a crime no matter what your wife says. In addition his having an illegal drug is also a crime that police will take action in the USA. Is Great Britain laws really so weak that they will not take action against stealing and illegal drugs?




I do have empathy for you as you are in a hard spot but my empathy will not even buy you a cup of tea! I see your situation as one that you are way too co-dependent on your wife that does not have your best interest at heart and you are not even number two in her life. She has put road blocks against you taking action that could benefit the whole family. You need to get strong enough to live with her or without her.


If your wife has the power to stop you from taking action and the police will not do anything to an adult that commits crimes then you just try and wait it out until you can sell your home and have some money to get as much custody of your daughter as possible. I had the police arrest my adult son when he talked disrespectful to his mother and he was very high. The police did not hesitate but threw him in back of the police car and took him to jail. Are you telling me that the Great Britain police are so different than the USA? I would find that hard to believe.


You sound like a good man but you have been torn down by your wife and son and you are weak…I am not trying to put you down but just to tell you the truth so that maybe you can get help and get built back up. I have been suggesting that in several of my posts to you.


Finally, if you have a plan to get relief by holding out until after Christmas then you do what you are able to do because you will need to get stronger any way you can so that you can protect your daughter more.

 

[FGEH]

The police in the UK are not as stringent as the US police. During the recession a few years back, police numbers were cut drastically and crimes like what I was victim too are seen as “low priority.” It is very frustrating but they have more serious crimes to try and cover with fewer numbers. They would not arrest him as he is technically living here so it is a “family/civil” matter and not a criminal one. Believe me, I think it is utter BS. They certainly would not even comprehend responding if he had been “disrespectful.” If they did he would have been arrested years ago.

It is very tough at home at the moment. The wife’s plan of bring him home, call my husbands bluff and then win him over has failed. I am sticking to my guns and staying in the spare room. It seems to have finally sunk in with the wife today as she is an emotional wreck. I have offered to support her but she has refused. Her golden child who she let back in at the cost of our marriage has disappeared again. He left yesterday morning and has not been seen or heard from since.
Both of our monies is tied up in this house with a high mortgage. Not one of us could afford it on our own and not one of us can afford to move out. So we have to persevere until January when we can list the house for sale.
I am remaining very calm and I am refusing to be angry or get drawn in to shouting match but, I am thinking January is a long way away to remain cool, calm and collected.
God willing.