Help With My Hangup (Ew, children)

[LittleQuietSoul]

I need prayers/advice.

I'm 22 (23 in a few days) and I have a fear that I'll never want children. My husband has shared with me that he has the same fear. We both know very well what the Bible says about children, and we do plan on having children, since God commanded it. But... I can't help hating the idea.

It honestly terrifies me. I'm afraid I'll regret children every day. I'm scared that I'm being selfish for being afraid of them. It's not that I don't have experience. I'm a full time nanny for a beautiful little girl. I've been her nanny for nearly two years, yet the thought of having to take care of her 24/7 makes me shudder. And while I care for her, I'm not sure I'd say I love her. Isn't that awful? The poor thing loves me, yet I feel a little squirm of shame deep down when she says she loves me and I tell her I love her back. It makes me sick of myself for not feeling more attached to her. It terrifies me.

I'm also bothered by HOW MUCH I think about this. It's almost a daily battle in my brain. For years, my mom and dad kept telling me "You're so good with kids, you'd make a great teacher!" But the thought of working with kids for the forseeable future seems like a ball and chain.

What's wrong with me? How can I get over this? I keep praying for God to change my heart, but it's like I can't just... force myself to let go of this stupid fear.

I admitted this to my stepmom about a month ago and she told me I was letting my fear of disappointing my dad and mom rule over me. My Dad is mentally abusive (he doesn't intend to be, but he was abused and possibly molested as a child, so he's not had great examples). If I mention even jokingly about "No children right now" he shuts me down and tells me it's a woman's Biblical duty. He has skewed perceptives of the bible. My stepmom calls him a "loving Philistine," but that's a whole different story.

How do I deal with this? Will God change me? I'm so broken up about it, I feel so horribly selfish, like a kid who doesn't want to give up some false sense of a carefree lifestyle.

Edit: I'm also really upset by how much I get frustrated with children crying/being scared, which I know is a direct result of my childhood. Neither my mom nor dad allowed me to cry without making fun of me/telling me to grow up. They were both very tough and "pick yourself up, you're being dramatic" (you can see why their marriage didn't last, haha). I never take my frustration out on kids. I comfort them, try to make a Biblical point about their fear/tears, that God is a loving father who acknowledges their emotion. I'm terrified of being like my dad and mom. I wish I didn't get so frustrated with children for feeling emotion. It's human!

 

[Galatea]

It's a decision only you and your husband can make. You are young, you may decide later you want children- or you may decide you don't. There is nothing wrong with not having children, if it is not a desire in your heart. Think of all the saints in the Bible who did not have children, yet God was not displeased with them. If anyone talks about it in your family, try to gently change the subject. May God bless you both. You are in my prayers.

 

[~Anastasia~]

I can't tell you what to do about having children or not, but have you considered finding a path to spiritual and emotional wholeness yourself and overcoming whatever issues might have been brought to you by your family, since you are so ambivalent?

It seems like that would put you in a better position to discern a path for your life, and if you do have children someday, will give them a better start than you might be able to offer them now?

Prayers for you. God be with you!

 

[~Anastasia~]

Oh, and I just noticed that you are brand new to CF! Welcome, LittleQuietSoul! I pray you are blessed by being here.

 

[LittleQuietSoul]

Thank you both for your replies, and thank you for the welcome.

Anastasia-
What exactly do you mean about finding pathways to spiritual wholeness? Sorry, I just don't think I quite followed what you meant. I don't mean to be rude at all!

 

[~Anastasia~]

Thank you both for your replies, and thank you for the welcome.

Anastasia-
What exactly do you mean about finding pathways to spiritual wholeness? Sorry, I just don't think I quite followed what you meant. I don't mean to be rude at all!

Well, I don't know how different traditions might approach this, but I suspect that surely there are those that work in this area?

From our point of view, sin causes wounds to the soul - our own sins, the sins of others. (Btw, sin in this instance is not implying only a purposeful hurt, but even just mistakes - mistakes our parents make, maybe because they weren't parented well, or are not healthy perhaps spiritually or emotionally - so even doing the best they can, they inadvertently hurt our souls) ...

Much of Orthodoxy is concerned with healing the soul. What that means to each person varies - learning to excuse the shortcomings of others and forgiving them, learning not to let our desires rule us, seeking forgiveness, cultivating virtue, understanding our human condition and not being too hard on ourselves when to do so would be prideful, looking to God and learning to trust Him and be thankful even in trials, and so on.

I wonder if this is making sense?

But you seem to have a lot of conflict about your desires, and tensions. And if you are affected by something in the way you were parented, you are in a better position to love others and be a parent (if that is to be part of your life), if you don't carry those struggles in with you. But parent or not, healing is a good thing.

If that doesn't make sense, I'll try to explain better.

 

[rockytopva]

God knows the future of this planet. It is best to keep matters in his hands as he knows what is best.

Father I pray blessings on this request, removal of fear, and guidance in these matters in Jesus name I pray. Also taking these needs before God in prayer on the 4:00AM bbnradio.org Family Altar program.

 

[Linus]

Welcome to CF!

You are very young and a lot can change with time. Regardless, God knows what's best for you, lay your worries on Him!

Praying for guidance, wisdom, clarity and peace in this matter in the name of Jesus Christ. Thank You Lord!

 

[LoricaLady]

There is a world of difference between others' children and how you might feel about your own child. Many have noticed that, even if they found others' children annoying and uninteresting, they fell in love with their own children.

Don't feel guilty if you don't love the child you are a nanny for. If she is telling you that she loves you, you must be doing something right.

I will pray for insight and healing of whatever is causing your fear.