I need prayers/advice.
I'm 22 (23 in a few days) and I have a fear that I'll never want children. My husband has shared with me that he has the same fear. We both know very well what the Bible says about children, and we do plan on having children, since God commanded it. But... I can't help hating the idea.
It honestly terrifies me. I'm afraid I'll regret children every day. I'm scared that I'm being selfish for being afraid of them. It's not that I don't have experience. I'm a full time nanny for a beautiful little girl. I've been her nanny for nearly two years, yet the thought of having to take care of her 24/7 makes me shudder. And while I care for her, I'm not sure I'd say I love her. Isn't that awful? The poor thing loves me, yet I feel a little squirm of shame deep down when she says she loves me and I tell her I love her back. It makes me sick of myself for not feeling more attached to her. It terrifies me.
I'm also bothered by HOW MUCH I think about this. It's almost a daily battle in my brain. For years, my mom and dad kept telling me "You're so good with kids, you'd make a great teacher!" But the thought of working with kids for the forseeable future seems like a ball and chain.
What's wrong with me? How can I get over this? I keep praying for God to change my heart, but it's like I can't just... force myself to let go of this stupid fear.
I admitted this to my stepmom about a month ago and she told me I was letting my fear of disappointing my dad and mom rule over me. My Dad is mentally abusive (he doesn't intend to be, but he was abused and possibly molested as a child, so he's not had great examples). If I mention even jokingly about "No children right now" he shuts me down and tells me it's a woman's Biblical duty. He has skewed perceptives of the bible. My stepmom calls him a "loving Philistine," but that's a whole different story.
How do I deal with this? Will God change me? I'm so broken up about it, I feel so horribly selfish, like a kid who doesn't want to give up some false sense of a carefree lifestyle.
Edit: I'm also really upset by how much I get frustrated with children crying/being scared, which I know is a direct result of my childhood. Neither my mom nor dad allowed me to cry without making fun of me/telling me to grow up. They were both very tough and "pick yourself up, you're being dramatic" (you can see why their marriage didn't last, haha). I never take my frustration out on kids. I comfort them, try to make a Biblical point about their fear/tears, that God is a loving father who acknowledges their emotion. I'm terrified of being like my dad and mom. I wish I didn't get so frustrated with children for feeling emotion. It's human!
I'm 22 (23 in a few days) and I have a fear that I'll never want children. My husband has shared with me that he has the same fear. We both know very well what the Bible says about children, and we do plan on having children, since God commanded it. But... I can't help hating the idea.
It honestly terrifies me. I'm afraid I'll regret children every day. I'm scared that I'm being selfish for being afraid of them. It's not that I don't have experience. I'm a full time nanny for a beautiful little girl. I've been her nanny for nearly two years, yet the thought of having to take care of her 24/7 makes me shudder. And while I care for her, I'm not sure I'd say I love her. Isn't that awful? The poor thing loves me, yet I feel a little squirm of shame deep down when she says she loves me and I tell her I love her back. It makes me sick of myself for not feeling more attached to her. It terrifies me.
I'm also bothered by HOW MUCH I think about this. It's almost a daily battle in my brain. For years, my mom and dad kept telling me "You're so good with kids, you'd make a great teacher!" But the thought of working with kids for the forseeable future seems like a ball and chain.
What's wrong with me? How can I get over this? I keep praying for God to change my heart, but it's like I can't just... force myself to let go of this stupid fear.
I admitted this to my stepmom about a month ago and she told me I was letting my fear of disappointing my dad and mom rule over me. My Dad is mentally abusive (he doesn't intend to be, but he was abused and possibly molested as a child, so he's not had great examples). If I mention even jokingly about "No children right now" he shuts me down and tells me it's a woman's Biblical duty. He has skewed perceptives of the bible. My stepmom calls him a "loving Philistine," but that's a whole different story.
How do I deal with this? Will God change me? I'm so broken up about it, I feel so horribly selfish, like a kid who doesn't want to give up some false sense of a carefree lifestyle.
Edit: I'm also really upset by how much I get frustrated with children crying/being scared, which I know is a direct result of my childhood. Neither my mom nor dad allowed me to cry without making fun of me/telling me to grow up. They were both very tough and "pick yourself up, you're being dramatic" (you can see why their marriage didn't last, haha). I never take my frustration out on kids. I comfort them, try to make a Biblical point about their fear/tears, that God is a loving father who acknowledges their emotion. I'm terrified of being like my dad and mom. I wish I didn't get so frustrated with children for feeling emotion.
It's human!
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