Help me understand myself

[Audiomechanic]

The trip may be cancelled for now, but maybe you can go another time.

She says she does not want anything special for your anniversary, but if you can, plan something anyway, and give her the gift you bought for her.

Have you ever heard of the Love Dare? I know you are doing all you can at this point, and she needs a little space, but during those times she needs space, she also needs to know that you still love her deeply and that you are patiently waiting for her to come out of her quiet time. The premise of the Love Dare is to find one meaningful way every day of saying "I love you" - and not expecting anything in return. It may take a while to soften her heart, but a patient and loving approach couldn't hurt.

Personally, I wish she would not sleep in a different room...do you know why she does this? Imo, it's a lot easier to nurture a soft heart when you share a bed, and easier to nurture a hard heart when that physical "apartness" happens. Hopefully she is using that time in another room to pray and to explore her own feelings and issues. Maybe that's what she needs right now, but hopefully it does not become a regular occurrence in your marriage. Would it help to get a one-bedroom place instead, where she won't have that option?

Even still, my thoughts and prayers are with you....it's a tough time, especially around your anniversary.

She sleeps in the other room to feel safe. She has a lot of baggage from her abusive parents that she is dealing with (we're both very broken people), and she feels safer sleeping in there. Not that I am abusive, because I'm not. I'd never harm a hair on her head, nor am I verbally abusive. She just feels safer staying in there.

And to the one-bedroom thing, if we moved into a one-bedroom place, she'd sleep in the living room or leave altogether and stay at a friend's house or a hotel. So I am, at least, glad she's under the same roof. As long as I don't screw it up further.

The showings of love are a good idea. I typed up an apology letter that I am going to give to her, sometime soon. Don't know if it'd be tonight. Don't think she's open enough for it tonight. Maybe in a couple of days. But I can get her some flowers (she loves flowers) and whatnot. I'll wait a day or two on that as well, because if I get them now, she'll put them in the trash.

The biggest problem here is not that I hurt her, but that she is continuing to hurt herself too and beat herself up from all that she still carries from her abusive upbringing. So that compounds things and makes them 10 times worse. In a normal relationship, person A hurts person B, person A feels terrible and apologizes to person B, person B is hurt for a little while, but knows that he/she is not at fault, the feelings subside and life goes on. In this relationship, person A (me) hurts person B (her), person A feels terrible and apologizes, person B knows the hurt has come from person A, and also knows that person A feels badly and has apologized, but person B beats up on herself and continues the hurt initially done by person A.

Thank God we have appointments with the therapist tomorrow.

 

[ValleyGal]

Ah, yes, I hear you. Better under the same roof, for sure. Hopefully one day she will fully know how safe she is with you, even sharing the same bed when things are not going well. Still, I really do understand that in can take time. Healing is no small matter.

How's your penmanship? I don't know about your wife, but I love it when my husband takes the time and effort to hand-write stuff to me. It shows how much of his heart he's put into it - but I also know it can be tough when penmanship is an issue. Is there a way you can add a personal touch to the letter?

It's good to space it out - this way she will know how much you love her without feeling smothered. Have patience....

 

[Audiomechanic]

Thank you, VG. More words I needed to read.

 

[sdmsanjose]

Quotes of Audiomechanic

I've also taken many steps to understand and heal this old open wound of mine. She is working towards the same.

All I can do at this point, I think, is continue to reflect, work on myself,

She has a lot of baggage from her abusive parents that she is dealing with (we're both very broken people), and she feels safer sleeping in there


Thank God we have appointments with the therapist tomorrow.

AM, I think that you have zeroed in on what you can do at this point; very much right on IMO!

You have pointed out your wife’s baggage from the past and I am sure you are spot on that also. However, your main focus should be on what you have described above about you, you can only change you.

AM, just like VG you also have wisdom and have the courage to put your plan in writing like your quotes above. Your perseverance and follow thorough will be very valuable to you.

I want to encourage you to follow your wisdom.

 

[Audiomechanic]

My wife just told me she's in the same place she was before our 3 year anniversary. She said she's been in that place since all this tattoo crap happened. Before our 3 year anniversary, my wife told me she didn't love me any more. Those were the 5 most painful words I've ever heard in my life and now she's telling me she's there again.

Regarding the 3 year anniversary, it's a long story, but involves my sex addiction.

 

[sdmsanjose]

AM
You have described some serious psychological stress issues that both you and your wife have. You described one of your wife’s conditions as follows:

my wife who could not walk, speak, move, recognize her surroundings and was basically trapped inside her own mind...for months, I know marriage is not roses and puppies

Since your wife has not posted on this forum and you have I am going to address your posts. Listed below is a few of your quotes:

My wife went to go see her sister over labor day weekend, whom she has not had a relationship with in many years because of her mother, and came home with a new tattoo (she and her sister got tattoos together). She got it without telling me or asking me (except for general asking if she could get one).
Now, I don't want to look at my wife, touch her, be with her.



I just know right now that this tattoo thing (and similar experiences in the past) stir about feelings of being left out, left behind, unworthy, not good enough, not living up to..., small.


My wife and I have been seeing the same therapist (not together, separately) for a couple years now

My therapist and I have been going over my codependency issues for a while now

If you and your wife have been seeing a therapist for two years, and you two are still having these irrational reactions, do you think that you should get additional help?

Don't you think that you and your wife should not be having this serious of a problem over a tattoo?

What does your therapist say about your level of progress after two years?

 

[seeingeyes]

In a normal relationship, person A hurts person B, person A feels terrible and apologizes to person B, person B is hurt for a little while, but knows that he/she is not at fault, the feelings subside and life goes on. In this relationship, person A (me) hurts person B (her), person A feels terrible and apologizes, person B knows the hurt has come from person A, and also knows that person A feels badly and has apologized, but person B beats up on herself and continues the hurt initially done by person A.

Thank God we have appointments with the therapist tomorrow.

There is no 'normal' relationship. There are always two broken people coming to the table with with whatever scars they carry from this world.

I'm praying that the two of you heal together.

Hang in there, brother.

 

[mkgal1]

AM, just like VG you also have wisdom and have the courage to put your plan in writing like your quotes above. Your perseverance and follow thorough will be very valuable to you.

I want to encourage you to follow your wisdom.

I just wanted to second this. I'm reading along and praying for you two (and, have to say that I'm really impressed with your obvious love for your wife and your willingness to self-reflect and persevere by doing what's right for everyone).

 

[mkgal1]

My wife just told me she's in the same place she was before our 3 year anniversary. She said she's been in that place since all this tattoo crap happened. Before our 3 year anniversary, my wife told me she didn't love me any more. Those were the 5 most painful words I've ever heard in my life and now she's telling me she's there again.

Regarding the 3 year anniversary, it's a long story, but involves my sex addiction.

I'm praying she's saying that out of fear (and not that she really means it). Indifference is where you need to be concerned. If she's lashing out at you----at least she's responding (as painful as it must be). Prayers for strength and God's comfort.

Did she make it to her therapist meeting today?

 

[Audiomechanic]

Thanks everyone for the support and prayers. I mean that.

Update: so I decided yesterday morning that I needed to type a letter to my wife's sister and apologize to her too. What I did didn't directly effect her, but it did by association, and it effected the memory of their time together. So I typed up a long email and sent it to her. She replied back very appreciative and understanding and we ended up having a very good exchange over email. Her sister, having grown up with the same horrible parents that my wife did, understands old engrained and harmful thought patterns well. Looking back on yesterday morning, the thought to send her sister an apology did kind of come out of nowhere. Which means it likely didn't come from me (God).

So her sister mentioned that I should send my original email to her to my wife. It was not my intention to send it to my wife, but I obliged her suggestion and did. Apparently that had a pretty strong effect on my wife as she was speechless and said she felt better after reading it. She said she felt as though I was fighting for her. We both had a therapy session with the counselor last night and I agreed to have my wife sit in on my session, so she could hear things from my POV and have the counselor explain things as well. It went well.

We seem to be on better terms, although she did still sleep in the guest bedroom last night. But at least things aren't hopeless now like they were. We usually plan our anniversary together, but my wife has said to me that she will not be planning anything as she just doesn't have the motivation, so the ball is in my court. I have picked out a pretty cool place to go, and booked some fun things to do. I hope she enjoys it.

I'll continue to keep you guys posted. Thanks again for the prayers. We need 'em!

 

[mkgal1]

He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.~Hebrews 11:6

 

[mkgal1]

How are things going, AM?

 

[Audiomechanic]

I totally forgot to reply to this thread. Sorry guys. Been caught up in a lot.

So about a week before our anniversary, things were pretty bad. But I came to the realization, that things were bad not because of what i was doing, or even because of what I did (the reaction to the tattoo), but because my wife had slipped into a depression that she was having a hard time getting out of. Between that and dealing with myself and all of that, I was having a tough time too. My wife made it very clear that if we were going to celebrate our 5-year anniversary, I would have to do 100% of the planning. Because she was not in the place to help, and because she did not feel like there was anything to celebrate. That hurt.

I was able, however, to put a lot of that aside and plan a really nice weekend in Big Bend TX for us. It was hard at times, because I would wonder why it was I was putting forth the effort to plan something for someone so miserable. But I did anyway. We stayed in the ghost town of Terlingua TX and I planned activities like horseback riding through the Chihuahuan mountains over that weekend. It was truly a healing weekend for us and it was apparently just the thing my wife needed to snap out of the depression she was in (I've suffered with depression before as well so I could relate to her). We had a fantastic time and have been doing much much better ever since.

As to how I'm doing, especially with the tattoo, I'm fine. I see the tattoo now and don't really care. I still don't like it, but it doesn't stir in me the unhealthy crap it did before. I'd rather it not be there, but it doesn't control me. I'm just not a tattoo fan. Never have been. They're tacky and cover up beauty, IMO. But it's on her, it's never going away, so I accept it.

Thanks for checking on me! Sorry for the delayed response.

 

[mkgal1]

I'm so glad to read this! That sounds like a wonderful time (and you really *did* have something to celebrate).

It's also great that you can separate yourself from the whole tattoo thing. A mountain moved out of your way.....right (or at least it's under your feet)?

 

[mkgal1]

Double Post

 

[ValleyGal]

It was hard at times, because I would wonder why it was I was putting forth the effort to plan something for someone so miserable. But I did anyway.

This is a great principle, and is something taught in the 12-step program Freedom Session. That is obedience to Christ regardless of whether the person is "deserving" and it demonstrates so well how he died for us while we were yet sinners. You loved your wife by planning your anniversary while she was yet in an unreconciled state. That is love. And the benefit of your obedience? It helped your wife to see your love, to know that she really needed what you provided, and you had a great time. Good stuff, AM!! And happy belated anniversary.

 

[Audiomechanic]

I'm so glad to read this! That sounds like a wonderful time (and you really *did* have something to celebrate).

It's also great that you can separate yourself from the whole tattoo thing. A mountain moved out of your way.....right (or at least it's under your feet)?

Thank you. Once I learned where all the stuff that got stirred up by the tattoo came from, and what it was, that sucked most of the power away from it. After that, it was just a matter of telling myself that those old ideas were ridiculous and made no sense. Time made it easier.

I still don't like the thing, but I can live with it and not be upset by it.

This is a great principle, and is something taught in the 12-step program Freedom Session. That is obedience to Christ regardless of whether the person is "deserving" and it demonstrates so well how he died for us while we were yet sinners. You loved your wife by planning your anniversary while she was yet in an unreconciled state. That is love. And the benefit of your obedience? It helped your wife to see your love, to know that she really needed what you provided, and you had a great time. Good stuff, AM!! And happy belated anniversary.

That is a really great point I didn't think of. Thank you, VG! And thank you so much for the encouragement. It helps. Believe me, it does.

And thank you for the belated anniversary well wishes. Our anniversary was Oct 4th. Which is the same day I mark as my sobriety date. Matter of fact, this year, on our anniversary, I also celebrated 2 full years of sobriety from my addictive behaviors! I'm still going too!

 

[CounselorForChrist]

Glad to hear its going better too. Any wounds will heal over time. I'm sure you two will be one of those couples that helps lower the divorce rate. THats what me and my wife say about our marriage.

 

[WalksWithChrist]

Thank you. Once I learned where all the stuff that got stirred up by the tattoo came from, and what it was, that sucked most of the power away from it. After that, it was just a matter of telling myself that those old ideas were ridiculous and made no sense. Time made it easier.

I still don't like the thing, but I can live with it and not be upset by it.



That is a really great point I didn't think of. Thank you, VG! And thank you so much for the encouragement. It helps. Believe me, it does.

And thank you for the belated anniversary well wishes. Our anniversary was Oct 4th. Which is the same day I mark as my sobriety date. Matter of fact, this year, on our anniversary, I also celebrated 2 full years of sobriety from my addictive behaviors! I'm still going too!

 

[Audiomechanic]

Thanks, man. I got my 2 year chip last night at my home SAA meeting. Felt AWESOME getting that chip. I've looked at it several times today already.

I may have been powerless over my addictive behaviors, but there is one who has all power, and that one is God.