Help! I hHate being married!

[Inkachu]

Yeah... wow... @ some of the people around here!

OP, I'm sorry that you're feeling this way. I know about regrets, too. I was in college, single, childless, carefree as anything, and my whole world came crashing down when I got pregnant at 22 years old. Everything stopped, I felt like I had died, everything I'd ever believed about myself was over. It was HORRIBLE.

I'm not saying that to discourage but to encourage you. Because I survived. And you can, too. And I didn't just survive, but eventually, I thrived! It certainly didn't happen overnight, it took months and even years of God working on me, but He gave me a mother's heart, something I'd never had before and never would have imagined I could have. He gave me a love for my child that is beyond anything imaginable, I love that boy to the edge of the universe and back. God was faithful to us all through the years of me being a single mom; we never had much money, but we were always OK, we always found help when we needed it. Even though we were poor and I was lonely, I had a beautiful child who made me smile and laugh every single day, and brought me more joy than I could've imagined. Life wasn't a cake walk (what does that phrase even mean? lol), but it wasn't a miserable nightmare, either; not by a long shot.

I also had my own share of "what have I done?" thoughts when I got married. I think most couples do at some point. What matters is how seriously you're going to take the commitment that you made before God and man. It's been over a year; has your husband NEVER had any clue that you felt pressured into the marriage? Is he just totally deceived and living in a dream? I'd be surprised if he hadn't noticed any signs at all that you weren't happy over the past year. Or is it just something you two have never addressed?

I've had days where I really missed being single. Life as a single person is just so much simpler. But then I ask myself, was my life better? Not having someone who loved me to pieces, not having someone that I could love and care about, not having someone beside me through thick and thin? That usually knocks me back into reality, and I'm once again thankful and grateful and I know that I do not want to go back in time and be single again.

I understand your regrets. I never got to finish college, either. I feel like I lost my youth. The thing is, you can't change what's already done and past. And to sit there and dwell on it and ruminate on it and wallow in it, will only make you bitter, resentful, and miserable. When I start having those "man, if only my life had gone this way..." thoughts, I have to consciously battle them and replace them with more constructive thoughts like "I am so thankful for my life. I have a husband who adores me, an amazing son, a home, a job, my health..." Just start listing your blessings!

I do think that the honorable thing to do is to try to "grow into" your new role as a wife, as you said. I don't think you should sit down and tell your husband you regret marrying him. Especially if he's clueless about it, that would just break his heart and do nothing constructive at all. If you feel like you two could benefit from marital counseling, you might approach your feelings as you "struggling" with learning to be a married woman. Many of us struggle with that

And why are you spending 7 nights a week "cooking and cleaning"? There is no need for that! Put aside one day a week for cleaning (obviously little things like changing the trash might need to be done as needed). Learn to make dishes that will give you leftovers to use the next night. Ask your husband to pitch in with the meals and the chores (if you're both childless and working full time, the household duties need to be 50/50). Readjust your schedule to free up an evening or two, and then save up for a college class you want to take.

 

[jmcorn]

Hiya,

I'm so stuck, I dont even know what to pray for.

I got married when I was 19 and I've been married little over a year now. Before I was married I was in a relationship with my now husband for just under 4 years, I never wanted to get married and I had always planned on ending it but then he proposed in front of my whole family, his family and all of our friends, so I 'felt' i had to say yes in order to not embarass him. I kept trying to end it but then a wedding date got set and plans were in place. I remember having to hold back tears of regret walking down the isle and thinking 'what hav i gotten myself into'. Now one year later I am still so so unhappy and regret my decision every day. I love him, I care for him, I have feelings for him, I'm attracted to him...I just didnt want this. I want to be his girlfriend and live at home with my mum and dad. I didnt even get to finish my education because i had to start working to support the household ( no i cant go back into it because i dont have any money to go back) so i spend my days working and my evenings cooking and cleaning. Its just all so messy and tiring; i'm battling so so hard with regret, 'could have, would have, should haves' all the time.

Please, if you dont want to reply just say a quick prayer for me to grow into this role as a wife.

Put God in the center of it (Marriage) and start digging into his word. That should make all the difference. It does seem like you may be acting a little selfish. Being married and selfish normally will not work very well.

 

[ValleyGal]

[FONT=&quot]ValleyGal,

What really led me to react strongly is saying her marriage was not joined by God. I still don't get how you could say that.

Also, repeatedly saying that divorce is 'possible' as if it were a valid option in her situation is not helpful to someone like her.

Maybe she just did want prayer. Let's pray for her. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]I never said her marriage was not joined by God. I said not ALL marriages are joined by God. This is likely one of them. Saying divorce is an option might just be a helpful option. YOU can’t guess that. And it’s exactly why I said that the OP should take what she can use and leave the rest. Only she can decide what applies to her or what advice will work for her. No one else.[/FONT]

How would you know that. What is your basis for attributing her feelings to God?

Where do you think intuition comes from? The devil? We were created in God’s image, and we were created with intuition.

But some decisions can't be undone.

Okay, this bugs me. Really? Why is it that if you enter into a business covenant with someone, it can be undone. Or you invest in something that turns out to be a dud, you can take whatever money you have left and try somewhere else. Or If you make a bad decision about what college to attend, what courses to take, what job to have, what car to drive, where to live….all decisions can be undone – even covenantal decisions. But oh no! Don’t’ anyone DARE make a bad decision on who to marry or when you marry them because heaven forbids you to ever undo that decision! Now you are stuck with that decision and there is no way out and you need to sleep in the bed you made even if you didn’t want to make the bed to start with. It is ludicrous that there is no option for that one decision and yet there is for every single other decision.

Swearing and going back on it was one of Zedekiah's sins:

Stop living in the OT. In the NT, one of the authors said don’t even swear an oath. Does that mean no one should get married, because our vows are oaths.

But I suspect this wasn't real duress.

And you can judge that how? She didn’t want to marry him. She was manipulated into it. If anyone knows this young gal at all, they would likely know that she probably has issues that keep her from speaking her mind, like inability to be assertive or express her own needs, or lack of self confidence, etc. How isn’t that duress? Stop making judgements.
This gal did not want to marry him and had “kept” trying to end the engagement. She did not want it. Either she was not able to be stronger in asserting her need to end it, or she was manipulated into it. She is not you, so stop making assumptions that she would or should react like you. These people should have listened to her when she tried to end it. And you should stop making judgements and projecting your own stuff into it – which is the very thing you accused me of. Hello, log.

Is there some reason to raise this issue of bias in the KJV now?

Duress. Even men do things they don’t want to do when they are under duress. Yet all you men seem to be blaming this woman. You don’t know her circumstances or who she is. There is a legitimate reason why she is the way she is – passive, non-assertive, didn’t say anything. You simply don’t know. Neither do I but I will at the very least give her the benefit of the doubt. She “kept” trying to end the engagement, but I don’t see anyone giving her credit for that – and blaming others for not listening to her or asking her privately what her wishes were or if she needed help.

 

[ImaginaryDay]

Hiya,

I'm so stuck, I dont even know what to pray for.

I got married when I was 19 and I've been married little over a year now. Before I was married I was in a relationship with my now husband for just under 4 years, I never wanted to get married and I had always planned on ending it but then he proposed in front of my whole family, his family and all of our friends, so I 'felt' i had to say yes in order to not embarass him. I kept trying to end it but then a wedding date got set and plans were in place. I remember having to hold back tears of regret walking down the isle and thinking 'what hav i gotten myself into'. Now one year later I am still so so unhappy and regret my decision every day. I love him, I care for him, I have feelings for him, I'm attracted to him...I just didnt want this. I want to be his girlfriend and live at home with my mum and dad. I didnt even get to finish my education because i had to start working to support the household ( no i cant go back into it because i dont have any money to go back) so i spend my days working and my evenings cooking and cleaning. Its just all so messy and tiring; i'm battling so so hard with regret, 'could have, would have, should haves' all the time.

Please, if you dont want to reply just say a quick prayer for me to grow into this role as a wife.

Just bumping the OP back for everyone to see. She didn't want this. Praying...

 

[Water Cross]

Hiya,

I'm so stuck, I dont even know what to pray for.

I got married when I was 19 and I've been married little over a year now. Before I was married I was in a relationship with my now husband for just under 4 years, I never wanted to get married and I had always planned on ending it but then he proposed in front of my whole family, his family and all of our friends, so I 'felt' i had to say yes in order to not embarass him. I kept trying to end it but then a wedding date got set and plans were in place. I remember having to hold back tears of regret walking down the isle and thinking 'what hav i gotten myself into'. Now one year later I am still so so unhappy and regret my decision every day. I love him, I care for him, I have feelings for him, I'm attracted to him...I just didnt want this. I want to be his girlfriend and live at home with my mum and dad. I didnt even get to finish my education because i had to start working to support the household ( no i cant go back into it because i dont have any money to go back) so i spend my days working and my evenings cooking and cleaning. Its just all so messy and tiring; i'm battling so so hard with regret, 'could have, would have, should haves' all the time.

Please, if you dont want to reply just say a quick prayer for me to grow into this role as a wife.

God loves you unconditionally. If your life is hell on earth decide for yourself what is best.
Do not let those who advise women to be chattle in this 21st century, to persuade you to accommodate their mold for wife. Do not permit someone to tell you you have to suffer in a marriage because that is what God wills.
Rather, let those suggestions for how you should continue in your pain, because it is a betrayal of your husband, serve you.
That is the wife they want you to be. The woman who is enslaved, trapped, miserable, with no choice but to endure till she dies.

Offer prayers for the wife for those such as that. Meanwhile, remember that you are a child of the most high God. Jesus commanded that we love one another. That would include yourself too.

If you are a miserable wife, grieved to be coupled with your man, is that loving him? Is that loving yourself? God is love. It is selfish to remain prisoner in a marriage that you feel trapped in. Love does not enslave. Jesus love came to free the slave of heart and mind and sin.

Do not ever let anyone tell you you are property and less than because you are wife. God made the woman because in his wisdom he knew it was not good for the man to be alone.
In a marriage where one person desperately wants out, the other is certainly alone.

I agree with anyone here who says to take your time. If you need time apart take it. Find yourself, find your peace so as to think straight. Which is not something that can be done when you feel overwhelmed and over powered where you are now.

Taking time away isn't a divorce. And I am certainly not advocating divorce.

It's taking time to find God's calling for you. God whisper truth. Listen for that. God inspired the Bible to come to be. That doesn't mean with the printing of that text he stopped talking to the hearts that listen.

Whatever you decide, God shall eternally love you.
It is better to ask forgiveness than permission.

 

[Water Cross]

Sage advice isn't arrived at by disrespecting women.

 

[graciesings]

I don't think I'm in a position to offer advice but I will certainly pray for you.

I wonder if there are any online classes you could take at a local junior college -- they aren't free but that might be less expensive than whatever you were doing earlier? Just a thought.

Also, I do agree with who was it? that said counseling was a good idea. If a professional wants high rates you might be able to ask the pastor or an older woman in your church for help.

I also noticed you said you wished you could live with your parents. I suggest you try calling your Mom more often or try to do more things with your family. I always miss my Mom terribly when I'm visiting relatives, or she's traveling. It sounds like you may be having that too. Doing more things with your parents (even if those things are text messages and Facebook chats) might make you feel better about being gone.

God bless you,
Grace.

 

[Inkachu]

Gracie makes a great point. Why not hang out with your parents on a regular basis? Your husband doesn't always have to join in. Go visit the folks a few times a month and spend the day with them, by all means.

 

[Water Cross]

After 7 pages I don't think the OP poster is going to return. They posted one post and one post only.

 

[Inkachu]

It was only a few days ago. One can hope.

 

[paul becke]

I do blame the husband for setting the girl up like that and railroading her into marrying him. A very sorry form of emotional blackmail, it seems to me. It seems clear that she told him she didn't want to marry him - at least for the foreseeable future.

In the Catholic church, all things being equal, your marriage, Christian2011 might be considered invalid and formally annulled, because it was formally effected on the grounds that 'omnia preparata sunt' - all the preparations had been made. For the sacrament to be effective however, there must be a whole-hearted, one-to-one commitment to each other by both parties to the union.

However, that said, it seems from what you also said, unprompted, that you do 'love him', 'care for him', 'have feelings for him', are 'attracted to him', your best course by far, is to accept the situation, together with your sense of loss, and pray to get over it, and count your many blessings. You are caught up in a life with its share of drudgery, when you might have been a princess at uni for a few years.

That is the only Christian way - to accept the crosses sent you, whereby you will grow in joy in the Spirit to more than compensate for the shattered dreams. I don't say, 'your' shattered dreams, because you have the chance to disown them for the love of God and of your husband; of God through your love of your husband, as well as directly.

In your husband's defence, I would point out that Christian lads with a healthy libido (unless blessed with an unusual gift of chastity), would generally tend to feel a greater sense of urgency to tie the knot and enjoy a carnal relationship than would their prospective wives.

I feel for you very keenly, but you are still very lucky, compared to most people. As is the Christian's lot, however, your luck is filtered through the cross - which is our vocation and, ultimately, our glory.

As regards what you might have done, well, we like to make our own mistakes to learn from, to learn the hard way; so even if the future wouldn't have been as rosy as your present state, in that regard, I sympathise with you. But I'm also very aware that your future could have turned out much worse, and that nursing our hurts, instead of seeing them as part of a greater plan under God's providence is not to tread water, spiritually, but to go backwards. I feel sure God will bless such a sweet and vulnerable young lady, even more than He has up to now. Your husband, too.

 

[LinkH]

[FONT=&quot]I never said her marriage was not joined by God. I said not ALL marriages are joined by God. This is likely one of them.

[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot][/FONT]
I am referring to message 40 where you wrote, "This woman was not joined by God."

You shouldn't say such things.


Your conclusion that 'this is likely one of them' is a very presumptuous thing to say. If she actually read the thread, she might rightly be insulted by it. If she beleived it, it could really mess up her thinking.

[FONT=&quot][/FONT]

Where do you think intuition comes from? The devil? We were created in God’s image, and we were created with intuition.

If you interviewed a hundred hit men and robbers, some of them would probably be able to point out times they relied on intuition to do their 'jobs' well.

Okay, this bugs me. Really? Why is it that if you enter into a business covenant with someone, it can be undone. Or you invest in something that turns out to be a dud, you can take whatever money you have left and try somewhere else.

Most business decisions are not agreed on for life. Selling land is. If I sell you a tract of land, I can't just legally come and take it back. If I leased you some land, then you could have it back at a specified date. Renting works the same way.


'Renting' is legal in certain parts of Nevada. Muslim law allows for short-term leases when it comes to marriage, and so do some versions of Judaism. But that is not what Jesus taught, based on the account in Genesis.

Stop living in the OT. In the NT, one of the authors said don’t even swear an oath. Does that mean no one should get married, because our vows are oaths.

Jesus, who said that, said 'Let your yes be yes, and your no be no'. In Protestant ceremonies I see, the couple says, "I do." But we should honor that without having to swear an oath in the name of Yahweh, or by Jerusalem, or by heaven.


And someone getting out of a marriage just because they have regrets and think they got married too young is an awful sin against the other party, and can really cause a lot of pain and damage. It's an awful betrayal.


The Bible uses the word 'treachery' to refer to husbands putting away their wives and wives departing from their husbands.

And you can judge that how? She didn’t want to marry him. She was manipulated into it.

You can't know that, either. It's only manipulation if the husband purposefully did it because he knew if he proposed publicly, she'd say yes, and if he did it privately, she'd say no.

And what kind of guy would really want a woman who'd marry him just because she couldn't say 'no' in public? and that she'd regret it for the rest of her life? He is probably young and didn't think through or anticipate all her feelings and emotions. Us guys have difficulty enough understanding women's feelings when they tell us sometimes. We don't have much of a chance if they don't.

If anyone knows this young gal at all, they would likely know that she probably has issues that keep her from speaking her mind, like inability to be assertive or express her own needs, or lack of self confidence, etc. How isn’t that duress?

If someone makes a commitment because they find it difficult to say 'no' in public. Lack of courage or whatever you call it doesn't free one from a commitment.


The Old Testament was written for our learning. If a king was supposed to keep an oath made in the Lord, even if he possibly had the proverbial knife his throat, Biblically, what kind of case can you make for the idea that someone doesn't have to keep a covenant as serious as this out of fear of saying 'no' in front of a crowd? Legally, if someone signed a contract to avoid embarrassment and used that as an excuse before a judge to get out of it, it's not going to fly. Unless it's marriage in this country and Europe, and then the person who does it may get the house, too.

Stop making judgements.

Like calling the proposal or marriage 'manipulation'.

This gal did not want to marry him and had “kept” trying to end the engagement. She did not want it. Either she was not able to be stronger in asserting her need to end it, or she was manipulated into it.

And she asked us to pray that she'll be the wife God wants her to be, not trash talk her marriage, say she wasn't joined by God, say her marriage isn't valid, or any of that stuff.

Duress. Even men do things they don’t want to do when they are under duress. Yet all you men seem to be blaming this woman.

I can think of one poster who blamed the woman. Am I blaming her? Maybe only so far as giving in to the wrong kind of thinking instead of thanksgiving for the blessings she has, if you can call that 'blame.' She hasn't said she's done anything wrong to her husband at this point. She's only been struggling with her thoughts.


I'm just disagreeing with the idea that she should consider divorce as a 'possibility', and the idea that her marriage wasn't valid. I'm saying it would be wrong to divorce because you regretted your past, and so have other male posters. It just so happens that some of the posters who take this issue seriously on the forum who happen to speak out against it are male. Not all forums are like that. On other forums, the women will speak out against divorce. It seems like some of women of a certain mindset on the issue have left, maybe because of the climate on the forum a few years back.

 

[LinkH]

God loves you unconditionally. If your life is hell on earth decide for yourself what is best.
Do not let those who advise women to be chattle in this 21st century, to persuade you to accommodate their mold for wife. Do not permit someone to tell you you have to suffer in a marriage because that is what God wills.
Rather, let those suggestions for how you should continue in your pain, because it is a betrayal of your husband, serve you.
That is the wife they want you to be. The woman who is enslaved, trapped, miserable, with no choice but to endure till she dies.

You paint a bleak picture of marriage. It's hard to wade past the rhetoric, 'women to be chattle'.

We are all to be servants of God and servants of Christ. Christ even made himself a servant, and the Bible says of believers. "Ye are not your own." So in all we do, we are to give glory to God.

I can only speak for myself and guess for other posters. But those of us who stick with a historic (either Protestant, or 'the Traditional View') of Matthew 19, believe both parties are supposed to stay in the marriage.

You aren't supposed to divorce a faithful spouse. It's bad ethics and bad morality. You can probably even find some athiests and agnostics who can see that.

The Bible says, "Let not the wife depart from her husband" and "let not the husband put away his wife." These are commandments of the Lord given through the apostle Paul in I Corinthians 7.

Spinning that into women being 'chattle' is quite a stretch. Men are supposed to be faithful to their wives, too. Not just refraining from adultery, but faithful in other ways.

And no one is telling this woman or anyone else to live in a dreary life of regret and pain, wishing she'd never married. At a least a couple of us have encouraged her to let her know that she can find joy in her marriage. Stan had some regrets early on, and he found joy in his marriage over time.

There are plenty of men who have regretted getting married. It's not just a female thing. It's not an issue of women being chattle property of men. The way you spin it could make a married woman feel depressed and trapped when she might not otherwise feel so much that way. We are all servants of the Lord. The issue is what the Lord's will is. And a Christian's joy comes from the Spirit.

 

[Hetta]

The way you spin it could make a married woman feel depressed and trapped when she might not otherwise feel so much that way.

I doubt that anyone can make other people 'feel' things.

 

[ValleyGal]

Your conclusion that 'this is likely one of them' is a very presumptuous thing to say.

Which is why I repeatedly say that I don't know the whole story. I admit it. But it really is likely not from God if she spent her whole engagement trying to get out of it. You are undermining intuition. Imo, you are very wrong to do so. We have intuition for a reason - and one of those reasons is for things like this, not to mention intuition related to children, etc. If you undermine intuition, you undermine God's very creation. That does not mean all people use their intuition for a good purpose. I highly doubt that a 19 year old passive woman is honed in the art of intuition for evil purposes.

You can't know that, either. It's only manipulation if the husband purposefully did it because he knew if he proposed publicly, she'd say yes, and if he did it privately, she'd say no.

You're right. I don't know. That is why I have repeatedly and repeatedly and repeatedly said we don't know all the details. Manipulation is not always done deliberately. Often, people use manipulation as a subtle form and are unaware of what they are doing. Even still, a public proposal where a woman feels pressured is not good. But worse, she kept trying to end the engagement. She tried. That says to me that he would not take no for an answer. So yes, it is not a far stretch to suggest she was manipulated into it.

And what kind of guy would really want a woman who'd marry him just because she couldn't say 'no' in public?

A LOT of guys will marry someone who does not have a voice. It's easier to manipulate and control them if they just shut up and do what they are told.

And she asked us to pray that she'll be the wife God wants her to be, not trash talk her marriage...

I didn't trash talk her marriage. That is YOUR projection.

Am I blaming her? Maybe only so far as giving in to the wrong kind of thinking instead of thanksgiving for the blessings she has, if you can call that 'blame.'

You and others are making HER responsible for what is evidently manipulation into a marriage she said she did not want and tried to get out of throughout the entire engagement.

I'm just disagreeing with the idea that she should consider divorce as a 'possibility', and the idea that her marriage wasn't valid. I'm saying it would be wrong to divorce because you regretted your past,

And you are welcome to disagree; however, I am just as entitled to disagree with you without the constant contempt for what I'm saying and for my opinion on divorce and my interpretation of scripture. To that end, I cordially invite you to put me on ignore, thank you.

Link, we have been through the divorce discussion on several occasions and it never ends well and it creates an unsafe environment for people who come here legitimately looking for help. Have some courtesy and respect other people's entitlement to their opinions, just as you would expect others to have respect for yours. When a poster comes here looking for help, don't debate with anyone. Address the OP, not pick apart other poster's beliefs and enter into a debate. It was disrespectful to the OP, and I for one am done arguing with you about the matter of divorce and remarriage. Have your beliefs, but don't force them onto everyone else.

 

[LinkH]

VG,

It wouldn't be right for me to do that. When someone comes on here saying they regret a marriage and there are posters hinting it might be okay to divorce when there are no Biblical grounds, my approach is to oppose their advice and point out why it's wrong.

If someone says, "I'd advise you not to go forward. The bridge might be out. Going forward at 60 is a possibility." when it's foggy and I see the bridge is out. I'll disagree strongly.

I'm not against intutition. I also believe the Spirit of God can communicate to believers. But if the Spirit convicts someone not to fornicate, and they do, they can't make it right by killing the baby produced from it. And if someone worries about getting married, whether it's their own fears, or the Spirit of God warning them, after they do it, they are married. The issue is what to do going forward. Sinning now won't undo the past.

I'm not forcing my beliefs on anyone. That's not even possible. I can't make anyone believe anything by typing on the screen. i can seek to persuade and others can decide whether or not to agree.

And I still think you should retract your statement and apologize to her, in case she returns, for saying her marriage was not joined by God.

 

[ValleyGal]

I still think you should apologize to her for turning her thread into a contemptuous dispute between you and me, and I still think you should let others have their own beliefs on the issue. It is not your mission in life to tell other people what to believe.

 

[LinkH]

VG,

You chose to respond to my posts, too. I think a young person like this is better off reading a 'tumultuous thread' where others call out those who subtly or directly (in the case of others) suggest divorce is a valid solution in such cases than to read advice like that that isn't confronted.

I'd take the same approach for other things, like suggesting it's okay to fornicate, or to have an abortion. I don't think it's wrong to jump on someone else's post for suggesting such things, even if they suggest it in a really mild manner.

It's against the rules to advise divorce in a case like this. I know you've been mentioning it as 'a possibility' to her, which is a really soft way of putting the idea out there.

I have reported a few rule violations in the thread.

 

[ValleyGal]

Yes, I chose to respond to your posts. Now I am choosing to not interact with you. Thank you for reporting. Now I will do the same because you refuse to leave me alone. Also, I never advised divorce. Not once. Stop trying to say I said things I never said.

 

[tall73]

To that end, I cordially invite you to put me on ignore, thank you.

Have you put him on ignore?