Help! I hHate being married!

[mkgal1]

Link, rather than always picking arguments about everything I say, why not leave my stuff alone. You have your opinion, I have mine. I am just as entitled to give mine here as you are - without the constant bickering and picking apart. It is up to the OP as to whether I have anything valuable to say. Just as it's up to the OP to figure out whether you have anything valuable to say.

Sometimes I wish some people would experience divorce so they are more qualified to talk about it's challenges. I find it interesting that those who have never been divorced are the ones preaching to stay in marriages that are unhealthy, unhappy and/or unholy. This woman was not joined by God...this woman felt quite pressured by her fiance and her community. It is not necessarily even God's will. I happen to know what that's like from my last marriage - it lasted a month due to the physical violence after we married escalating from "an accident" to nearly killing me - all in a month. So until you know this woman's situation, don't judge her and tell her she is now condemned to live the next 80 years in a marriage that likely was not joined by God to start with.

Again, to the OP, take what you need from these posts, and leave the rest. I apologize for my part in arguing with other posters on this thread. You came here looking for help, and you have probably been scared off for the arguing among the regulars. It was not the place to do this.

QFE

 

[mkgal1]

This may or may not be a side issue......but when Bible verses are used to suggest that someone's suffering is "God's will".......that often makes me cringe. Since this marriage was not really entered into eagerly (to say the least).....and was mostly due to the OP being unable to say her true thoughts ("no.....I *don't* want to get married").....I can't see how this can be "God's will" (her present suffering). To hear marriage characterized as suffering (and making a joke out of that)......I find that very close to doing violence against God's character.

Just to put that verse into its context......this is more of the passage:

12 Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal among you, which comes upon you for your testing, as though some strange thing were happening to you; 13 but to the degree that you share the sufferings of Christ, keep on rejoicing; so that also at the revelation of His glory, you may rejoice with exultation.

14 If you are reviled for the name of Christ, you are blessed, because the Spirit of glory and of God rests upon you. 15 By no means let any of you suffer as a murderer, or thief, or evildoer, or a troublesome meddler; 16 but if anyone suffers as a Christian, let him not feel ashamed, but in that name let him glorify God.

17 For it is time for judgment to begin with the household of God; and if it begins with us first, what will be the outcome for those who do not obey the gospel of God? 18 And if it is with difficulty that the righteous is saved, what will become of the godless man and the sinner?

19 Therefore, let those also who suffer according to the will of God entrust their souls to a faithful Creator in doing what is right.

From what I understand.......that passage isn't relevant to the OP.

 

[LinkH]

Link, rather than always picking arguments about everything I say, why not leave my stuff alone. You have your opinion, I have mine. I am just as entitled to give mine here as you are - without the constant bickering and picking apart. It is up to the OP as to whether I have anything valuable to say. Just as it's up to the OP to figure out whether you have anything valuable to say.

Because I want you to repent of the subtle encouragement of divorce. I only know you through the Internet. You seem like a very likeable person, and you seem to have a lot of good sense on most issues. But this really libertine stance you have on divorce can do a lot of damage, and it's worth a bit of confrontation to discourage the damage to other people.

Sometimes I wish some people would experience divorce so they are more qualified to talk about it's challenges.

I had a horrible infections of my internal organs once, but I never wished that on anyone so they could understand the pain. I felt ashamed for saying something bad about my dad while joking around once when I was younger, but I don't wish people would do that so they could experience my emotions.

I find it interesting that those who have never been divorced are the ones preaching to stay in marriages that are unhealthy, unhappy and/or unholy.

And in some cases those who are divorced several times preach divorce to those who are a little unhappy with marriage, but whose spouses haven't done anything to merit divorce even by reasonable secular standards. That's not always the case, but sometimes it is.

This woman was not joined by God...this woman felt quite pressured by her fiance and her community. It is not necessarily even God's will.

This is a poisonous thought, especially if you share it. I don't know if the OP is reading or will respond again, but I wouldn't surprised if she found that first sentence of yours to be rather insulting. I hope she doesn't believe such a thing. It's also presumptuous. You are not God. And you have absolutely no right to say such a thing about another couples marriage. How dare you!

God instituted marriage, and we all partake of it. Jesus applied 'what God hath joined together, let not God put asunder' to marriage in general, not just Adam and Eve.

What does a couple have to do for God to be joined together? If this woman agreed to marry the man, said 'I do' and her parents were even supportive of the whole thing, what basis could you have for saying that God had not joined them together? Her having doubts and concerns, which she did not voice, about getting married do not make her marriage invalid.

I happen to know what that's like from my last marriage - it lasted a month due to the physical violence after we married escalating from "an accident" to nearly killing me - all in a month. So until you know this woman's situation, don't judge her and tell her she is now condemned to live the next 80 years in a marriage that likely was not joined by God to start with.

And you shouldn't project your past experience onto this woman. Her husband (most likely) isn't this man who abused you. You seem to think the 'default' view is to tell a young woman who has a decent kind husband that divorce is a possibility. My default is to say what the Bible actually says about marriage.

Again, to the OP, take what you need from these posts, and leave the rest. I apologize for my part in arguing with other posters on this thread. You came here looking for help, and you have probably been scared off for the arguing among the regulars. It was not the place to do this.

It's better for people with marital problems to get scared off than to get some of the advice that's been going around on these forums. We even get atheists and other another poster I've never seen coming out of the woordwork extoling the virtues of divorce. This forum says 'Christian forum' but it's turning into a place for people with marriage problems to come and get bad advice that can wreck their marriages.

 

[mkgal1]

it's turning into a place for people with marriage problems to come and get bad advice that can wreck their marriages.

It seems like that was the case BEFORE there was even a post.....in fact.....that seems to be what actually led a few here ("wrecked" marriages).


That made me think of something.....

If an insurance claims representative files a report that this vehicle is totaled.....is he (the rep) the one that "wrecked" the car......or did he just acknowledge the fact that it's "wrecked"?

 

[ValleyGal]

Encouraging someone to stay in a marriage for the next 70 or 80 years that is not honouring to God can also be just as damaging, and not only that, but I challenge you to find anywhere that I have "encouraged" anyone to get divorced willy-nilly. It is a last resort and that is what I preach. I preach that marriage is a testament to the ministry of the Lord Jesus: that is, reconciliation. Sometimes reconciliation is not possible. God recognizes this when he tells us to live at peace with all people as far as it depends on us. That is as far as it goes.

Telling me you want me to repent is just a little controlling and I won't do it just because you say so. I have not been convinced by the Holy Spirit that I am in sin in this regard.

My first husband did not abuse me, so no, I'm not projecting. I have said repeatedly that we do not know her situation, so there is no way you should be making any judgements about her having to stay in this marriage. Divorce is always a possibility, and that is biblical in my understanding. If you want to say what you believe, fine, but give me the same entitlement to my beliefs that you expect me to give you for yours. And give this OP the respect she should have for figuring out her own convictions about this issue.

I agree...some of these people who come to these forums are scared off by some of the advice here. If I came here seeking help from a troublesome marriage and deep regret over a marriage issue, the last thing I would need to hear is that God expects me to stay in an unhappy/unholy marriage for the next 80 years just because I made a mistake that I can't undo or I'm living in the unforgivable sin. Try compassion on. It fits better.

 

[tall73]

Folks, this is what the original poster asked for:

Please, if you dont want to reply just say a quick prayer for me to grow into this role as a wife.

I will pray that you grow into it. It is not easy, but it does not have to be without its rewards. You indicated that you love him, that you are attracted to him, that you care about him. Life got a lot more serious than you were ready for in a hurry. But hang in there. It may still be possible to reach some of your other dreams, but you will have to slow down the timetable. In the meantime try to find ways to enjoy the life you have together, despite the mundane things that occur in day to day life. It can seem like a grind. However, there are also a lot of rewards to the married life, though they may take patience to find.

Do you all still spend time for just you, or have you all fell out of that habit with all the pressing things to be done?

 

[LinkH]

Encouraging someone to stay in a marriage for the next 70 or 80 years that is not honouring to God can also be just as damaging, and not only that, but I challenge you to find anywhere that I have "encouraged" anyone to get divorced willy-nilly. It is a last resort and that is what I preach. I preach that marriage is a testament to the ministry of the Lord Jesus: that is, reconciliation. Sometimes reconciliation is not possible. God recognizes this when he tells us to live at peace with all people as far as it depends on us. That is as far as it goes.

The OP said she'd marry the man, and married him, in spite of some doubts, and now regrets it, or did when she posted that. So why post that divorce is not the unforgivable sin. It's not. But neither is murder, and if someone were talking about murdering someone else, you wouldn't say, murder is not the unforgivable sin. Suggesting it as an acceptable alternative in a situation like this doesn't even make sense. It seems like you are putting promoting your philosophy on divorce over the needs of the OP.

Sin is bad enough. Divorcing a faithful spouse to whom one is lawfully married is sinful. You should at least acknowledge that covenant-breaking is sinful.

This passage sure makes it sound sinful,
Romans 1
31 Without understanding, covenantbreakers, without natural affection, implacable, unmerciful:
32 Who knowing the judgment of God, that they which commit such things are worthy of death, not only do the same, but have pleasure in them that do them.

If I'd have lived back in Biblical times, spoke Hebrew, and overheard Jonadab advising Amnon, I certainly hope I'd confront both of them, tell Amnon not to listen to Jonadab, and rebuke Jonadab for planting wicked thoughts that can damage other people's lives. What Jonadab advised was more violent than this situation, but someone whose marriage partner leaves them suffers a lot of pain, too.

Telling me you want me to repent is just a little controlling and I won't do it just because you say so. I have not been convinced by the Holy Spirit that I am in sin in this regard.

I believe in the Holy Spirit convicting people, but the Spirit communicated plenty of things in the scriptures, and knowing we've gone against that should be enough for one to repent.

I still can't get why you would say that she had not been joined by God. I don't get why you would say that about someone else's marriage. Would you want someone to say that about your marriage?

My first husband did not abuse me, so no, I'm not projecting. I have said repeatedly that we do not know her situation, so there is no way you should be making any judgements about her having to stay in this marriage.

My opinion doesn't matter that much. Your opinion doesn't matter that much. What Jesus has said matters very much.

Divorce is always a possibility, and that is biblical in my understanding.

So is murder, theft, lying, cheating. The Bible contains plenty of examples of these things. That doesn't mean we should do it or encourage others to do them.

Covenant breaking is a possibility. Do you think it is sinful?

If you want to say what you believe, fine, but give me the same entitlement to my beliefs that you expect me to give you for yours.

And if I my belief is that you are wrong and giving advice that can damage someone else's life, I just may do so. If my belief is that the belief that if someone really wants out of a marriage for whatever reason, that God is cool with that-- is toxic I'll share that as well.

And give this OP the respect she should have for figuring out her own convictions about this issue.

I can point out what Jesus said. I can't control whether people will listen or follow. They figure out their beliefs. Soft-peddling, or worse, downplaying or even contradicting the teachings of Christ does not equal respect.

I agree...some of these people who come to these forums are scared off by some of the advice here.

In some cases, that may be better for them.

If I came here seeking help from a troublesome marriage and deep regret over a marriage issue, the last thing I would need to hear is that God expects me to stay in an unhappy/unholy marriage for the next 80 years just because I made a mistake that I can't undo or I'm living in the unforgivable sin. Try compassion on. It fits better.

If I came here complaining about regret over marrying a caring wife who treated me well, and lamenting over the freedom of my single days, and contemplating divorce, I'd need someone to encourage me to change my thinking, be thankful, and commit my heart to the wife I'd already promised before God that I'd stay committed to for life.

The last thing I'd need to read is someone telling me that divorce is a valid option so that 10 years and three marriages later, I'd be regretting messing it up that first time over a foolish decision.

 

[LinkH]

It seems like that was the case BEFORE there was even a post.....in fact.....that seems to be what actually led a few here ("wrecked" marriages).


That made me think of something.....

If an insurance claims representative files a report that this vehicle is totaled.....is he (the rep) the one that "wrecked" the car......or did he just acknowledge the fact that it's "wrecked"?

I don't know if the OP would ever post again, but if she were sitting in your living room and told her your story, would you really tell her that her marriage was a wreck and show her this picture to illustrate it?

She could potentially be insulted by your describing her marriage as a wreck, and you can't say that her marriage is a wreck based on what she's shared.

It could be she had a rough day or a rough week, started thinking about her past while in a bad mood, and wrote the post. Sometimes people post how they feel at the moment, but at a different time, they'd describe their marriage in a different way.

 

[tall73]

Sometimes I wish some people would experience divorce so they are more qualified to talk about it's challenges. I find it interesting that those who have never been divorced are the ones preaching to stay in marriages that are unhealthy, unhappy and/or unholy. This woman was not joined by God...this woman felt quite pressured by her fiance and her community. It is not necessarily even God's will. I happen to know what that's like from my last marriage - it lasted a month due to the physical violence after we married escalating from "an accident" to nearly killing me - all in a month. So until you know this woman's situation, don't judge her and tell her she is now condemned to live the next 80 years in a marriage that likely was not joined by God to start with.

As you say, we do not know this woman's situation. However, what she has been willing to tell us has nothing to do with physical abuse. It sounds like she made a mistake, and did not speak her true feelings as clearly as she needed to. We all recognize her mistake now, as she does. However, she is still married. And she is married to someone she loves. That is not a bad thing.

She has asked us to pray for her to grow into her new role as a wife. That sounds to me like a good thing to ask. We need to support her in that. She loves the man, she is just overwhelmed by how difficult life gets when you go from being a teen living at home to suddenly being married and in a totally new life. I think we can understand why that could be very overwhelming.

I admit I have never been divorced. However, I have been married for a number of years and know a few things about the daily grind that can be daunting in marriage, as I think all of us who have been married for long do. It sounds like she needs encouragement in the married life. That is not as unusual as it sounds, despite the unusual circumstances that brought her to this.

 

[tall73]

You'd be surprised at how many young newlyweds regret getting married. Unfortunately, you knew even before you married. Some find out after they marry. either way, it does not change the fact that you are married.

I would not suggest moving out or separating as that would only make it worse. I think to be fair to your husband and the vows you made, you should give your marriage a fair chance. .

Just to be fair about things, this was ValleyGal's initial statment, which I think is very true.

As to God's will, I do not think we can say one way or the other on the information we have. God has endorsed some rather odd situations marriage wise (Hosea taking a wife of unfaithfulness, Samson taking a foreigner to provoke conflict with the Philistines, etc.) We don't know the end from the beginning. What we know is she is married, they said vows, and she stated that she does love him. That is a good place to start.

 

[katautumn]

I think people are way overthinking the OP's situation. She willingly admits she loves her husband, he loves her, and that she is attracted to him. She simply got married sooner than she was ready to, because she didn't know how to tell him, "I'm not ready yet". Marriage is hard and it's really hard to adjust to married life, working full-time, and taking care of a house. That hardly makes her a victim, or her husband. That's life. Marriage is hard. That doesn't mean she's being abused or victimized or she needs to run away and go back to her parents.

My best advice for the OP would be prayer, counseling, and making her expectations known to her husband. She needs to tell him if they're both working outside the home, then they're both going to work inside the home. She can't be doing everything.

 

[ValleyGal]

As you say, we do not know this woman's situation. However, what she has been willing to tell us has nothing to do with physical abuse. It sounds like she made a mistake, and did not speak her true feelings as clearly as she needed to. We all recognize her mistake now, as she does. However, she is still married.

I never said anything about abuse either...except to say we do not know her situation and she could be in a manipulative situation because of all the pressure to marry in spite of not wanting to. Yes, she is married and I have never once said she should get divorced. I have said it should be an option for the reasons I've stated numerous times already. And I stand by what I've said. I have been supportive in everything I've said, including that divorce is an option...as a last resort.

As for unusual circumstances, God specifically directed those particular prophets. God did not instruct the OP. In fact, God gave the OP an uneasy spirit about marrying this guy. They were together for years before marrying. If God was okay with it, I honestly don't think her instinct would tell her not to do it.

The OP said she'd marry the man, and married him, in spite of some doubts, and now regrets it, ...

Yes, under duress. Just like the translators were under duress from the King when King James demanded that they translate the Word with a bias against women. It's in the prologue to the 1611 version, if you care to read it. If you make ANY agreement under duress, it invalidates the agreement. Even in arranged marriages, the potential spouses are afforded the opportunity to say no. This young gal was not given that opportunity and likely did not feel strong enough to say no. People are forced into marriages....it does not make the marriage right.

 

[sdmsanjose]

When a poster comes to this forum and asks for “Help” most CR responders try to give them the best advice possible. Unfortunately, we are forced to use the information that the OP is willing to give. So it is rare or never that we get all the information about the situation.

So far Christian2011 has given us the information reprinted below

By Christain2011

I'm so stuck, I don’t even know what to pray for.

I got married when I was 19 and I've been married little over a year now. Before I was married I was in a relationship with my now husband for just under 4 years, I never wanted to get married and I had always planned on ending it but then he proposed in front of my whole family, his family and all of our friends, so I 'felt' i had to say yes in order to not embarass him. I kept trying to end it but then a wedding date got set and plans were in place. I remember having to hold back tears of regret walking down the isle and thinking 'what hav i gotten myself into'. Now one year later I am still so so unhappy and regret my decision every day. I love him, I care for him, I have feelings for him, I'm attracted to him...I just didnt want this. I want to be his girlfriend and live at home with my mum and dad. I didnt even get to finish my education because i had to start working to support the household ( no i cant go back into it because i dont have any money to go back) so i spend my days working and my evenings cooking and cleaning. Its just all so messy and tiring; i'm battling so so hard with regret, 'could have, would have, should haves' all the time.

Please, if you dont want to reply just say a quick prayer for me to grow into this role as a wife.

In fact by her own words she loves him, cares for him, and has feelings for him. Having her said that then I cannot imagine that the husband is abusing her or else she would not say those things.

With this information I see no abuse or other issues that would warrant this woman separating from her husband according to my understanding of Biblical scriptures

In her own word she has stated that she wants to separate from him because she felt forced to marry him, wants to go back to school, and does not want to spend her days cooking and cleaning because it is “…so messing and tiring”

When I was around her age I also had a similar situation and wanted to separate form my marriage for most of the same reasons that she does. From my upbringing, my understanding of scriptures, and a little of my own sense of what was right, I stayed in the marriage and I am now very satisfied and contented with my marriage and life.

As link has stated it does not matter as much what I say, what Link says, what ValleyGal says or anyone else, but what matters most is what God says.

I have given my view as to what I think God wants in Christians2011’s situation as per the information that she has given. Now I will give my reasons:

1 I got no answer to my question of
If your husband loves you and is not abusive to you then you have a choice.
You can leave him and go home to live with your parents but it seems that the Bible does not support that. Can you or anyone find where that is allowed in scriptures?

That leads me to believe that anyone that feels that she is within biblical scripture to leave her husband does not have a biblical scripture to support that advice.

2 The story of Jacobi, Leah, and Rachael seem to support the position that she does not leave her husband. Jacob DID NOT make the design that he would marry Leah but he was tricked. Yet Jacob did not leave Leah even though he loved Rachel more. Chrostian2011 was not tricked and does not love any other man as a husband more than her husband so Chrisian20122 should consider God ‘s story of Jacob and his marriage

Genesis 29

While he was still speaking with them, Rachel came with her father's sheep, for she was a shepherdess.</SPAN> 10 Now as soon as Jacob saw Rachel the daughter of Laban his mother's brother, and the sheep of Laban his mother's brother, Jacob came near and rolled the stone from the well's mouth and watered the flock of Laban his mother's brother. 11 Then Jacob kissed Rachel and wept aloud

Leah's eyes were weak,but Rachel was beautiful in form and appearance.</SPAN> 18 Jacob loved Rachel.

So Jacob went in to Rachel also, and he loved Rachel more than Leah, and served Laban for another seven years</SPAN>



3 First Corinthians 7:10 is pretty clearing my mind.
10 For married people I have a command which is not my own but the Lord's: a wife must not leave her husband; </SPAN>11 but if she does, she must remain single or else be reconciled to her husband; and a husband must not divorce his wife


So my advice for Christian20122, based on the scriptures that I have found so far, is for her to take seriously the scriptures above.

In addition, I hope that she will consider holding on to her faith that if she does what God desires then He will be involved in the outcome. Whenever I have chosen to do that then God has always eventually been faithful to His words. Faith and patience is very important. I know that it is hard to give up your desires and follow God&#8217;s ways but following God is not always easy and often times very hard.



I am open to changing my position if other positions are based upon scriptures.

Stan

 

[ValleyGal]

Stan, our culture is a whole lot different than it was when Leah and Rachel were alive.

No one said anything about abuse.

No one except one or two (who it appears are not married and/or not Christian) has encouraged her to get divorced. So I really don't know what the huff is all about, aside from Link trying to say that my beliefs are not biblical and I should repent for not having HIS beliefs, which is am unwilling to do because I stand firm in my convictions on the matter of divorce.

This young gal dated the man for four years. If she was not sure about him after four years, she should likely not be with him. However, even if she still wanted to be with him and live with her parents, that really begs the question - why. Unfortunately, she's probably scared to come back for the bickering going on here. The fact is, we don't have enough information.

Even still, whether she comes back or not, I have been perfectly fair to Link in that he is welcome to share his beliefs and have that respected by other posters. But to pick arguments with me because he thinks mine are not biblical and expect me to repent because he says so is just plain wrong. My beliefs are just as valid as his. And the OP's beliefs, opinions and desires are just as valid as Link's as well. And it is up to HER to decide what is right for HER in HER situation.

 

[Messy]

At one point I hated being married, but I hated being divorced more, it was 1000 times worse and I met the wrong man afterwards and fell off my faith. If there's no Biblical reason stick with what Paul says: Don't divorce. It's only because He loves you and wants to spare you a lot of pain that He says this.
I wish I had had someone back then that would have told me the truth.

 

[LinkH]

ValleyGal,

What really led me to react strongly is saying her marriage was not joined by God. I still don't get how you could say that.

Also, repeatedly saying that divorce is 'possible' as if it were a valid option in her situation is not helpful to someone like her.

Maybe she just did want prayer. Let's pray for her.

 

[LinkH]

As for unusual circumstances, God specifically directed those particular prophets. God did not instruct the OP. In fact, God gave the OP an uneasy spirit about marrying this guy.

How would you know that. What is your basis for attributing her feelings to God?

They were together for years before marrying. If God was okay with it, I honestly don't think her instinct would tell her not to do it.

Sometimes the Lord does make us feel uneasy with certain things at times. But every time we feel uneasy that doesn't mean it's the Lord communicating to us. Jesus may have felt a little uneasy contemplating bearing the sin of the world while was in the garden of Gethsemene. The sweat like drops of blood is pretty evidence of that. That doesn't mean that what He faced wasn't the will of God.

But some decisions can't be undone. If a young dating couple make a wrong decision and fornicate, they can't unbear a baby produced from the union. Killing the baby wouldn't solve the problem or undo their fornication either. If you make a poor choice in getting married, getting a divorce doesn't set things right, either.

Yes, under duress. Just like the translators were under duress from the King when King James demanded that they translate the Word with a bias against women. It's in the prologue to the 1611 version, if you care to read it.

Do you mean the dedication to the king? What part are you referring to? I can't imagine either the Episcopal or Reformed translators were feminists back then.

If you make ANY agreement under duress, it invalidates the agreement.

I don't see that as a Biblical principle. Swearing and going back on it was one of Zedekiah's sins:

Jeremiah 36
11 Zedekiah was one and twenty years old when he began to reign, and reigned eleven years in Jerusalem.
12 And he did that which was evil in the sight of the Lord his God, and humbled not himself before Jeremiah the prophet speaking from the mouth of the Lord.
13 And he also rebelled against king Nebuchadnezzar, who had made him swear by God: but he stiffened his neck, and hardened his heart from turning unto the Lord God of Israel.

It seems likely that Zedekiah was under duress, in danger of life and limb. He ended up losing his eyes over this.

There is also this passage:

Psalm 15
1 Lord, who may dwell in your sacred tent?
Who may live on your holy mountain?
....

4 who despises a vile person
but honors those who fear the Lord;
who keeps an oath even when it hurts,
and does not change their mind;


But I suspect this wasn't real duress. I suspect no one had a gun to her head at either the wedding or the engagement. Being afraid to say no in front of a crowd is not duress. It doesn't free one from what they said.

I suspect if someone tried to make me marry someone at gunpoint that I really, really didn't want to marry back when I was single, I might still have refused to say I do and taken my chances. My guess is no one held a gun to her head.

Even in arranged marriages, the potential spouses are afforded the opportunity to say no.

That depends. In some cultures and some places they do. India is probably a mixed bag. There are probably plenty of girl's in Pakistan, India, and Afghanistan who aren't asked if they approve, even though many are. And a lot of people from those cultures accept the idea of their parents' involvement in the process.

This young gal was not given that opportunity and likely did not feel strong enough to say no. People are forced into marriages....it does not make the marriage right.

Let's see, if 50 people are at a party from his family and her family, and he asks to marry you, you can say 'no.' You can run out of the room in tears. You can say, "Let me think about it." Or you can say 'yes.'

It was Jewish culture, at least in the time of Christ, for the bride to consent, and Roman as well, at least as far as the Roman ceremony went. The Bible doesn't say bridal consent is required. But the laws could conceivably have been written around that assumption-- just as the divorce law in Deuteronomy 24 was written to curb and limit an unjust practice that was contrary to the creation design.

If you look at what made a marriage valid in the Old Testament, the father, if he were alive, allowing a man to marry his daughter was more of a key element. The father could refuse to give a daughter in marriage to a boyfriend she'd slept with, but he still had to pay the bride price if he took her virginity.

My point is, Biblically, you don't seem to be focusing on something here that the Bible discusses as a sticking point on what makes marriage valid. And you are using a little bit of social pressure is not even the same thing as the type of duress that would invalidate a legal agreement in our legal system.

 

[LinkH]

Btw, if we go a few generations back, plenty of parents put pressure on their kids to marry certain people. And lots of people, probably more often men, get cold feet and may struggle with some unwillingness, but go through with the ceremony. (Not me. I was eager to marry my wife.)

Pressure and unwillingness did not make all those ancestors of our's marriages invalid. It didn't make those ancestors of ours bastards. (Pardon the KJV English.)

 

[favoritetoyisjoy]

Hiya,

I'm so stuck, I dont even know what to pray for.

I got married when I was 19 and I've been married little over a year now. Before I was married I was in a relationship with my now husband for just under 4 years, I never wanted to get married and I had always planned on ending it but then he proposed in front of my whole family, his family and all of our friends, so I 'felt' i had to say yes in order to not embarass him. I kept trying to end it but then a wedding date got set and plans were in place. I remember having to hold back tears of regret walking down the isle and thinking 'what hav i gotten myself into'. Now one year later I am still so so unhappy and regret my decision every day. I love him, I care for him, I have feelings for him, I'm attracted to him...I just didnt want this. I want to be his girlfriend and live at home with my mum and dad. I didnt even get to finish my education because i had to start working to support the household ( no i cant go back into it because i dont have any money to go back) so i spend my days working and my evenings cooking and cleaning. Its just all so messy and tiring; i'm battling so so hard with regret, 'could have, would have, should haves' all the time.

Please, if you dont want to reply just say a quick prayer for me to grow into this role as a wife.

I met my wife while we were freshmen in high school. I had just turned 15 and she was 14, and we've been together ever since, a total of 44 years. She was my whole world then, and she still is. I was 18 when we were married, she was 17.

A few weeks before the marriage ceremony I got some jitters. I remember looking down at my ring finger and having a hard time imagining a wedding ring on it. Jitters happen.

Other than saving my soul, the greatest expression of His love for me, and His greatest gift to me, was lending me His cherished child, my wife, for the time we're on Earth. I am hoping that when you're my age, you'll say something similar about your husband.

As strongly as I can, I urge you to bare your soul to your husband, even if you only print out your post and hand it to him as a starting point. It's not just your problem, the two of you are one flesh, all of the "for better or worse" situations in your marriage are rightfully shared.

Seriously consider Isaiah 26:3: "Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on Thee: for he trusteth in Thee." It seems that you need and are seeking peace. Keeping your mind on Him is how you get it, despite circumstances. Encourage your husband to do the same. Have daily devotions and prayer together, it won't always happen, but if you don't diligently try for it, you might not even achieve "often". How I wish I had followed this advice from the beginning, and I believe it's the best advice anyone could practice in any marriage situation. We are transformed by the renewing of our minds, and keeping our minds on Him transforms and renews us.

My wife and I often read John 15 and and 1 Corinthians 13 together, and it softens our hearts and re-centers us almost always.

One of the ways that keeping our minds stayed on God transforms us is that over time, instead of God being only part of the equation in our lives, He becomes the equation. My favorite toy is joy, and that comes from having God's peace in my life.

You've been together about 5 years, give the situation some more time as you work with God and your husband. Time resolved my jitters, as I look back I think I must of been out of my mind to have had them in the first place, but it happened.

God is the Answer, for all of us.

 

[tall73]

As for unusual circumstances, God specifically directed those particular prophets. God did not instruct the OP. In fact, God gave the OP an uneasy spirit about marrying this guy.

Actually in Samson's case he was not told by God to do it, and the parents, who ultimately were to go arrange it, objected at first. However, the text tells us it was God's will as a note. Samson and his family at the time were not aware of this. Again, we don't always know God's will, certainly not enough to say that God did not join the OP and her spouse in marriage.

Yes, under duress. Just like the translators were under duress from the King when King James demanded that they translate the Word with a bias against women.

Is there some reason to raise this issue of bias in the KJV now? This is not a similar situation to the OP, and again raises the issue of oppression and bias against women for no particular reason.

She was not being told by a King who had power over her whole life to do anything. She was asked to be married in front of friends and family. She could have said no. And even if she was under pressure then she could have told him later when they were by themselves.

If you make ANY agreement under duress, it invalidates the agreement. Even in arranged marriages, the potential spouses are afforded the opportunity to say no. This young gal was not given that opportunity and likely did not feel strong enough to say no. People are forced into marriages....it does not make the marriage right.

She was not given the opportunity? Of course she was. She was given the opportunity at first when those people were present. Then she had all the time leading up to say no when people were not around. And she had opportunity when she went before those people again to take solemn vows.