Help! I hHate being married!

[Christian2011]

Hiya,

I'm so stuck, I dont even know what to pray for.

I got married when I was 19 and I've been married little over a year now. Before I was married I was in a relationship with my now husband for just under 4 years, I never wanted to get married and I had always planned on ending it but then he proposed in front of my whole family, his family and all of our friends, so I 'felt' i had to say yes in order to not embarass him. I kept trying to end it but then a wedding date got set and plans were in place. I remember having to hold back tears of regret walking down the isle and thinking 'what hav i gotten myself into'. Now one year later I am still so so unhappy and regret my decision every day. I love him, I care for him, I have feelings for him, I'm attracted to him...I just didnt want this. I want to be his girlfriend and live at home with my mum and dad. I didnt even get to finish my education because i had to start working to support the household ( no i cant go back into it because i dont have any money to go back) so i spend my days working and my evenings cooking and cleaning. Its just all so messy and tiring; i'm battling so so hard with regret, 'could have, would have, should haves' all the time.

Please, if you dont want to reply just say a quick prayer for me to grow into this role as a wife.

 

[seeingeyes]

It's time to learn how to say "no", girl.

Tell your husband straight up what you want. See what he says.

 

[Avniel]

I feel sorry for your husband. I recommend individual counseling there is something in your past that made you think the way you are. Poor guy.

 

[LinkH]

Christian2011,

Hi, I'm sorry to hear about the place you are in emotionally, right now.

Sometimes it's easy to think about how we could have done things differently. But the past can't be undone. The question is, what should you be doing and what should your attitude be now that pleases God? How can you glorify God with your life? What does God want you to do?

I believe God wants you to love your husband, to enjoy the blessing of having a husband who cares for you. Many a woman longs to have a husband who loves her who she's attracted to to be married to, to spend a life with, to build a home with, to grow old with. It's really a blessing. Just thinking about it, objectively shouldn't you be thankful and very appreciative of your partner? I'm thining about the children of Israel in the desert. God sent them supernatural bread from heaven to eat. They just had to collect it off the ground without planting, harvesting, or hunting. But after a while, they started to complain, and this displeased God. Their hearts were not thankful to the Lord.

But what do you do if you are in a situation like you are in now, where you just aren't happy with the situation, even though objectively, it is a good thing. If you think about it and you think your attitude should be one of thankfulness and you should be enjoying your life as a newlywed, instead of regretting, then what do you do to get to that other place? If you could just change that attitude in your heart by flipping a switching, and suddenly be thankful to be married and happy about the whole thing, would you?

Ecclesiastes 9:9 says,
Enjoy life with the wife whom you love, all the days of your vain life that he has given you under the sun, because that is your portion in life and in your toil at which you toil under the sun.

This text is directed at men, but you can apply it to yourself as well. If the man is going to enjoy life with his wife, it makes sense that his wife should enjoy it to. This verse is in the context of talking about the meaningless of life. One of the conclusions is to enjoy life. He tells a man to enjoy life with is wife. You as a wife should enjoy life with your husband. I believe God wants you to enjoy him. You need a change in the attitude of your heart so that you can.

If you would, that's a good start. Repentance actually means to have a change of mind. You can pray about this and tell God you repent of not being thankful for your husband. If you are in Christ, and God has instructed you to do something, you know that you can do whatever God wants you to do? Why? Because as Peter wrote, God has given us 'everything that pertaineth to life and godliness.' So you can live a godly life that please God. We also know that, as Paul said, God works in us to will and to do according to His good pleasure.

So, you may need to yield to the work of God. You've agreed to marry your husband. As a wife you are supposed to love your husband. If you don't.... if you are resentful or full of regret, it's going to show, and you aren't going to return the same type of love and affection he shows to you. So you need to have the Lord do this work in you. So when you pray, ask God to work on your heart. Ask him to take out the regret and resentfulness, 'casting all your cares upon Him for He careth for you.' And then believe God to do what you've asked. It's amazing how easy it can be for prayers like that to be answered speedily if you believe and yield to the Lord.

 

[LinkH]

It's time to learn how to say "no", girl.

Tell your husband straight up what you want. See what he says.

I don't see how her husband as at fault from what she's said.

 

[seeingeyes]

I don't see how her husband as at fault from what she's said.

Did I say that he was? I said that it's time for her to learn how to communicate her desires.

Can you imagine being so weak-willed that you would marry someone just to avoid a conflict? (I'm guessing you never had that particular problem. ) It is not a good quality in a wife. She's gotta learn, and it's not going to be easy.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

I do recommend counseling, and I do believe it would benefit you to learn to say no. But I don't see a need to say those things to you in such an insulting way as has been said.

 

[seeingeyes]

I do recommend counseling, and I do believe it would benefit you to learn to say no. But I don't see a need to say those things to you in such an insulting way as has been said.

Was it insulting? I meant to be shocking, but not insulting. My apologies to the OP.

This is a very serious matter. I was a young bride myself (straight from my parents house to my husband's), and I know first hand how important it is to learn to speak up.

Christian2011, your husband loves you. He cares about what you want, but you can't expect him to read your mind. You are going to have to say these things out loud to him. Remember, he's new to this whole marriage bit, too. He needs your input. He can't just "make" you happy. You guys have to work on this together.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

Was it insulting? I meant to be shocking, but not insulting. My apologies to the OP.

This is a very serious matter. I was a young bride myself (straight from my parents house to my husband's), and I know first hand how important it is to learn to speak up.

Christian2011, your husband loves you. He cares about what you want, but you can't expect him to read your mind. You are going to have to say these things out loud to him. Remember, he's new to this whole marriage bit, too. He needs your input. He can't just "make" you happy. You guys have to work on this together.

I didn't mean your post, but it would be bad form of me to say specifically whose. I was just hoping to guide the thread in general, so it wouldn't break out into a fight, and other people might be a little more gentle with their phrasing.

 

[FuzzyBunnySlippers]

I feel sorry for your husband. I recommend individual counseling there is something in your past that made you think the way you are. Poor guy.

You feel sorry for the husband and not the wife who suffers? Speaks volumes.

 

[FuzzyBunnySlippers]

Take a break. Move out and move back in with your parents for awhile. At 19 you were way too young to contemplate the next, let us say 60 years, of your life with this man.

Does he work?
It sounds like he manipulated you into the engagement by having everyone you cared about there when he proposed.

There are men that can read women like a book. They want what they want and that's all that matters.
Did he discuss this with you prior to proposing? Did he just propose out of the blue without any warning whatever?

Yes, you definitely need to learn how to say no. Stand up for yourself and follow your heart.

Think about this. At your age you're now in a place where you are suppose to live with this one man till the day you die. And that can be 60 years in future before that day arrives. God willing you live a very long and happy life.
If you are this miserable now imagine 10 years from now. You'll be 29.
Imagine 20 years from now. You'll be near 40 and at middle age. On average, you will now have less time to live with this man than you had lived when you were single and without him.

Twenty years later you'll be 60. You will now have lived 2/3rds of your life with a man you were miserable with one year after it all started. While 1/3rd of your life was happier.

Twenty years after that you'll be 80. And as you imagine that now think of how you'll reflect back on 71 years of life that are over now. No going back. The past is exactly that. Past. Over. Done with. Meaningless. When it was the present it was being lived to create for you the next step, the next breath, the next moment of all that is; the present.

Now, that future that wasn't promised back when you were 19 is here. You're 80. Seventy-one years gone by.

If you find yourself on your deathbed then how will you remember your life? Because it's all over now. All there is, is what comes after you close your eyes. And that is something hoped for, not something certain.
But your life was.
Think about your future and ask yourself, what can I live with?
First and foremost your life is your choice.

My personal experience having lived long enough to glean at least this much will now share with you what I know to be true for me.

If you live your life to make others happy at your expense you'll pay the price by living their ideal life for you. You won't live your life as you want it to be.
You shall be an actor. Not active in living your personal life. When you hate being married you're hating yourself. And that my dear will eat you alive. Hate turned inward is rage, depression, self-loathing, insecurity.
Hating being married means you hate you that made the choice to say, I do.

Take a break. Move away and into a safe place where you can have time away from what you hate. You'll still be married but you'll be out from under that pressure that overwhelms.

Seek counseling if you know someone you can trust. Start a journal and pour your heart out on the page. Keep it safe and don't let anyone see it. Let that be your sounding board.

Love you first! Because if you don't know how and why you're lovable, how will you know anyone else does? Or has reason to.

))HUGS YOU(( May you find peace of heart and mind.

Hiya,

I'm so stuck, I dont even know what to pray for.

I got married when I was 19 and I've been married little over a year now. Before I was married I was in a relationship with my now husband for just under 4 years, I never wanted to get married and I had always planned on ending it but then he proposed in front of my whole family, his family and all of our friends, so I 'felt' i had to say yes in order to not embarass him. I kept trying to end it but then a wedding date got set and plans were in place. I remember having to hold back tears of regret walking down the isle and thinking 'what hav i gotten myself into'. Now one year later I am still so so unhappy and regret my decision every day. I love him, I care for him, I have feelings for him, I'm attracted to him...I just didnt want this. I want to be his girlfriend and live at home with my mum and dad. I didnt even get to finish my education because i had to start working to support the household ( no i cant go back into it because i dont have any money to go back) so i spend my days working and my evenings cooking and cleaning. Its just all so messy and tiring; i'm battling so so hard with regret, 'could have, would have, should haves' all the time.

Please, if you dont want to reply just say a quick prayer for me to grow into this role as a wife.

 

[Avniel]

You feel sorry for the husband and not the wife who suffers? Speaks volumes.

I certainly do believe it speaks volumes, which by the way is a passive aggressive statement. The husband is a victim in the situation, he pledges his love, makes vows before God and his friends only for it all to be a lie. For whatever personal reasons she lied to him, conned him. I am not going to feel sorry for someone that purposely makes that choice.

I can't and won't feel bad for that.

 

[FuzzyBunnySlippers]

I certainly do believe it speaks volumes, which by the way is a passive aggressive statement. The husband is a victim in the situation, he pledges his love, makes vows before God and his friends only for it all to be a lie. For whatever personal reasons she lied to him, conned him. I am not going to feel sorry for someone that purposely makes that choice.

I can't and won't feel bad for that.

It's not a passive aggressive statement. It's recognizing that you are compassionless. That you're projecting onto this 19 year old woman something that makes her the villain and her husband the victim.

If you can't show kindness in a Christian Advice Forum, don't post. It is quite against the mission statement here.

 

[LinkH]

Christian2011,

Please ignore the advice of the young poster whose post is posted below. In the Bible, the Lord commanded, "Let not the wife depart from her husband.'

When you are 80, you should want to look back on your life and see that you've served God faithfully, not that you pursued your own carnal happiness. It is good to have joy in serving the Lord, and not in disobeying him.

It's not so common in the west these days, but multitudes of brides have married at 19 or younger and have lived good, joyful lives with their husbands. Nineteen is not too young to marry. You are married woman. Walk faithfully in that state as a woman of God.

Take a break. Move out and move back in with your parents for awhile. At 19 you were way too young to contemplate the next, let us say 60 years, of your life with this man.

Does he work?
It sounds like he manipulated you into the engagement by having everyone you cared about there when he proposed.

 

[ValleyGal]

You'd be surprised at how many young newlyweds regret getting married. Unfortunately, you knew even before you married. Some find out after they marry. either way, it does not change the fact that you are married.

I would not suggest moving out or separating as that would only make it worse. I think to be fair to your husband and the vows you made, you should give your marriage a fair chance. Even people accused of crime who can't afford a lawyer are provided with an attorney who must provide all care and due diligence, whether the client is guilty or not.

Is your husband abusive? does he treat you well? If he is a good man, it is not too late to fall in love with him, and if he is a good man, I think you owe it to him (and to yourself) to try. Make every effort to turn towards him, make him your best friend, and give being with him the benefit of the doubt. Try to grow into your marriage and into loving your husband. It could be one of the best things you ever do...if he is a good man who loves the Lord and loves you.

But I do agree with the others who said you should start learning to speak up. Share your dreams with your husband. Maybe you could take part time courses and work toward the degree you want. Maybe there are compromises he is willing to make so you can finish school. Share your vision of the future and set some goals with your husband that you can work together towards. Talk about where you want to see yourself in 2 years, 5, 10, 15 years from now. Ask him where he wants to see himself in the future as well. And talk about what you both want for your marriage in the future. He could very well be on board with your dreams and help you set goals to reach them.

But you will never know unless you talk about it.

 

[ValleyGal]

And don't feel pressured to stay in a marriage where there are intolerable circumstances. Simple regret is not a reason to leave unless you give it all due diligence and a fair shot. But don't let others tell you that you are forbidden to leave. It's an option, but not one to jump into as lightly as you jumped into your marriage. It is a last resort.

Christian2011,

Please ignore the advice of the young poster whose post is posted below. In the Bible, the Lord commanded, "Let not the wife depart from her husband.'

When you are 80, you should want to look back on your life and see that you've served God faithfully, not that you pursued your own carnal happiness. It is good to have joy in serving the Lord, and not in disobeying him.

It's not so common in the west these days, but multitudes of brides have married at 19 or younger and have lived good, joyful lives with their husbands. Nineteen is not too young to marry. You are married woman. Walk faithfully in that state as a woman of God.

 

[LinkH]

I can understand why Avniel posted as he did and relate to the point he is making. But, IMO, it was still a bit harsh, too.

There is no reason to think her husband did anything wrong. Guys try to make proposals special these days, and having all the family there is one way to do it. The guy is usually either convinced she'll say 'yes' or too naive and nervous to think this issue through. There is a lack of older folks coaching young men through the need to talk through certain issues before proposing in our culture. It makes sense to talk the marriage issue through. A proposal doesn't have to be a total surprise. If there hasn't been a formal proposal yet, and he gets down on a knee pulls out a ring, that's special enough if she's into it, even if she knows he's considering marriage seriously. A lot of men don't realize that.

 

[Avniel]

It's not a passive aggressive statement. It's recognizing that you are compassionless. That you're projecting onto this 19 year old woman something that makes her the villain and her husband the victim.

If you can't show kindness in a Christian Advice Forum, don't post. It is quite against the mission statement here.

She's not 19 even if she was my people are from a place where 19 year olds have families with several children. I don't believe that 19 is this fragile age where people lack the intellect to make truthful decisions.

Also you mistake my lack of validating someone's wrongs with lack of compassion. I have put people through college, I have helped ex drugs dealers get employment, I have mentored kids in the projects without a father.......everything I do in my career/education has always been to uplift the people in my community. I have sacrificed years and years to compassion.

I don't feel compassion for those that defraud others, victimize others and then make themselves seem pitiful.

What am I exactly projecting? I married the woman I met when I was 17 after we both graduated college, I'm in the process of getting my JD, I had the most beautiful children, I teach Sunday school, I own my own business, I get to travel, I'm debt free, God has used me and I've seen children go from drug dealers to college graduates, I've seen all my friends change their lives around, my grandmother who is 86 years old got to see her greatgrands, There is peace in my home, my wife is my best friend, she always has my back, I've never felt like I've made the wrong mistake marrying her..........what am I projecting?


Maybe just maybe....slight chance perhaps I don't feel sorry for her because she lied and conned someone into thinking they were in a real marriage. Maybe this is cultural for me but I know people at 19 that have survived wars, fought against the government for the don of their garrison, raised a 3 family home as a single father because the mother was killed by stray police gun fire.

Bottom line.

 

[LinkH]

Christian2011,

My advice is to get advice on another forum, or maybe, better yet a real life Christian. There are pastors and other believers who love God's word who are willing to give advice based on it. This website is Christianforums, but some of the advice you get around here isn't all that Christian.

 

[LinkH]

And don't feel pressured to stay in a marriage where there are intolerable circumstances. Simple regret is not a reason to leave unless you give it all due diligence and a fair shot.

VG, you should be careful not to advise people to stumble into sin. Christian 2011 has already shared her reasons for wanting to leave, regretting marriage, thinking back about not wanting to say 'no' to the proposal. Are you just bringing this up for the sake of the divorce discussion on another thread, when she doesn't need ot hear it.

But don't let others tell you that you are forbidden to leave. It's an option, but not one to jump into as lightly as you jumped into your marriage. It is a last resort.

Jesus is Lord, and He has the right to tell others not to leave.

I Corinthians 7
10 And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband:
11 But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife.

Jesus is Lord.