hi,
i've decided to post here because i need some help and support and hope that God can use his family here ...
i've gone for a few counselling sessions and heard the advice of family and friends but i'm still struggling. i know it takes time but i feel quite depressed. i'm at work typing this. i don't want to go to work but i do. i don't want to wake up but i do.
it's been nine months.
i broke up with my fiance because i struggle with very low self esteem and codependency issues. in our 2-year relationship, i broke up with him more than four times and twice after our engagement ... the final one being the "real, serious clean break" i told him. i just thought i had to "fix myself" before being in a relationship that had any hope to be healthy and strong. i was quite down on myself then and i think i brought him down sometimes. but he loved me and persevered. i didn't. i had a codependent relationship with my mother ... codependency is like being in bondage ... there's fear and there's no freedom and no genuine love. i saw those same patterns in my relationship with my fiance and i guess it really scared me... and i despaired at being in bondage again. i broke up hoping that when i was healthy - if it was God's will - we would be back again.
however, after our break-up, i stayed strong for a couple of months before i went overseas for work. i had to see him. it was selfish of me, i know. i almost didn't see him ..i was going to leave but we ran into each other at our meeting place. he said he still loved me and i did but didn't want to have a relationship like my parents. we left it at that. when i returned, we met up again ... but things changed ... my insecurities saw me saying some hurtful things to him, which did not reflect my true heart for him ...
one night my mom called me ... and in that tearful conversation i revealed more than i had about the break-up. i told her i had unforgiveness towards her ... and i was very afraid of marriage, of being like my parents. that was a turning point in my life, the moment i forgave my parents ... i was set free... i realised how much i loved my ex-fiance ... and had the motivation to take responsibility for my life and a future life with him...
but it was too late. i thought he'd be happy to know about my call with my mom. he's known about my personal struggles throughout our relationship. while he said he was happy, his tone was distant ...
so i came to realise that i could be with him forever. but he also realised something then. we arranged subsequent meetings before i again left overseas... but he always cancelled. finally the day before i left, i went to see him, with a platinum ring buried under a box full of something he liked. we both cried a lot. he told me he couldn't get back together because he couldn't trust me anymore. i was so sad. i didn't fight it because i knew once he made up his mind ... he stuck to it. i also understood how he couldn't trust me ... eventhough it hurt so bad. i did ask him to think about it ... that i would wait.
i went overseas very heartbrokened. my calls, letters and SMS-es to him were ignored and unanswered. i was hurt and humiliated ...the latter because i had bared my soul to him ...
when i returned ... he was cold. he said he had already answered me the day we met ( i had said think about it and tell me when i return) ... i was hurt ...very much.
but at work the next week i wrote him a long farewell email... much to my surprise he replied, as he had been ignoring me, ... and it was sad. he said he missed me and thought of me every day ... and assured me that my worth was in being God's child ... to allow others in my life ... because I was worthy of love... implicit in his letter was ... that it may not be God's will because he tried his best, we tried our best and "it wasn't enough" but maybe one day "but it's all in God's hands".
i still struggle with codependency. i don't feel as badly about it as before because ...before i let self-pity pull me down ... now i try to remind myself ... that my weakness will be used to glorify God one day...
but i miss my ex so much. and came to realise he's the sort of man i would love to spend my life on earth with ... but it was too late. i think of running away from my present life ... leaving the country ... leaving my job ... hiding ... although I know God is my all ... i feel like my life has no meaning ... and what am i living for? i go to work each day ... i know people ... but i shut myself out from most people because i am afraid ..and now i'm depressed.
as i type this, i know the answer already. to wait on God ... to turn to Him. but my heart wants my ex so much ... that it's hard to not turn every prayer into a plea for his return ...
help
i've decided to post here because i need some help and support and hope that God can use his family here ...
i've gone for a few counselling sessions and heard the advice of family and friends but i'm still struggling. i know it takes time but i feel quite depressed. i'm at work typing this. i don't want to go to work but i do. i don't want to wake up but i do.
it's been nine months.
i broke up with my fiance because i struggle with very low self esteem and codependency issues. in our 2-year relationship, i broke up with him more than four times and twice after our engagement ... the final one being the "real, serious clean break" i told him. i just thought i had to "fix myself" before being in a relationship that had any hope to be healthy and strong. i was quite down on myself then and i think i brought him down sometimes. but he loved me and persevered. i didn't. i had a codependent relationship with my mother ... codependency is like being in bondage ... there's fear and there's no freedom and no genuine love. i saw those same patterns in my relationship with my fiance and i guess it really scared me... and i despaired at being in bondage again. i broke up hoping that when i was healthy - if it was God's will - we would be back again.
however, after our break-up, i stayed strong for a couple of months before i went overseas for work. i had to see him. it was selfish of me, i know. i almost didn't see him ..i was going to leave but we ran into each other at our meeting place. he said he still loved me and i did but didn't want to have a relationship like my parents. we left it at that. when i returned, we met up again ... but things changed ... my insecurities saw me saying some hurtful things to him, which did not reflect my true heart for him ...
one night my mom called me ... and in that tearful conversation i revealed more than i had about the break-up. i told her i had unforgiveness towards her ... and i was very afraid of marriage, of being like my parents. that was a turning point in my life, the moment i forgave my parents ... i was set free... i realised how much i loved my ex-fiance ... and had the motivation to take responsibility for my life and a future life with him...
but it was too late. i thought he'd be happy to know about my call with my mom. he's known about my personal struggles throughout our relationship. while he said he was happy, his tone was distant ...
so i came to realise that i could be with him forever. but he also realised something then. we arranged subsequent meetings before i again left overseas... but he always cancelled. finally the day before i left, i went to see him, with a platinum ring buried under a box full of something he liked. we both cried a lot. he told me he couldn't get back together because he couldn't trust me anymore. i was so sad. i didn't fight it because i knew once he made up his mind ... he stuck to it. i also understood how he couldn't trust me ... eventhough it hurt so bad. i did ask him to think about it ... that i would wait.
i went overseas very heartbrokened. my calls, letters and SMS-es to him were ignored and unanswered. i was hurt and humiliated ...the latter because i had bared my soul to him ...
when i returned ... he was cold. he said he had already answered me the day we met ( i had said think about it and tell me when i return) ... i was hurt ...very much.
but at work the next week i wrote him a long farewell email... much to my surprise he replied, as he had been ignoring me, ... and it was sad. he said he missed me and thought of me every day ... and assured me that my worth was in being God's child ... to allow others in my life ... because I was worthy of love... implicit in his letter was ... that it may not be God's will because he tried his best, we tried our best and "it wasn't enough" but maybe one day "but it's all in God's hands".
i still struggle with codependency. i don't feel as badly about it as before because ...before i let self-pity pull me down ... now i try to remind myself ... that my weakness will be used to glorify God one day...
but i miss my ex so much. and came to realise he's the sort of man i would love to spend my life on earth with ... but it was too late. i think of running away from my present life ... leaving the country ... leaving my job ... hiding ... although I know God is my all ... i feel like my life has no meaning ... and what am i living for? i go to work each day ... i know people ... but i shut myself out from most people because i am afraid ..and now i'm depressed.
as i type this, i know the answer already. to wait on God ... to turn to Him. but my heart wants my ex so much ... that it's hard to not turn every prayer into a plea for his return ...
help
