He borrowed money, but doesn't want to pay back

[Bel9110]

Money borrowed, but doesn't want to pay

Please bare with me here, because I've never posted anything on here much. This is my situation - I've was in a relationship with a Christian man who I loaned money to last August 2005. Granted it wasn't a huge amount, but I'm a single mom of two so it's not like I have a lot of money to spare. Just to give you a little history, he has had a rough go of it for pretty much the whole time of our relationship (trying to find a better paying job, living with a friend because he didn't have enough for an apartment, car always breakdown etc ) so needless to say I never felt that he had the money to pay me back even a little, so I never mentioned anything to him. Then a few weeks back he was blessed with a wonderful job making three times as much money and he was starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I was very happy for him. Over the next couple of weeks after his new job had started he was very excited about getting an apartment again and looking at buying some tools to fix his car and he was commenting that he was going have an extra 2,500 in just two paychecks where he would have enough money to do all of this. Well, I'm not a very aggressive person and it's hard for me to bring up difficult subjects like, "when do you think you could pay me back", but I decided that since he has never brought it up that I would. Well I never saw this coming, but I sent him an email about it on 2-15 and his reply was basically, that he couldn't believe that I was asking for this money after all that he has done for me and that he thought I would at least let him get on his feet and that now he realizes what kind of women I really am and that he doesn't want me to come and get the money he will pay me 1/2 now and 1/2 next month and he will mail it to me because he doesn't want to see me, To say the least, I was shock and very hurt and starting crying and feeling very upset and unbelieveable actually that he would respond this way. I didn't respond to him. The next day I came into work and he had left another message saying that he had slept on it over night and after thinking about it he is not going to pay me my money back, or at least not until he got on his feet....

Sorry this is such a long story - This is my question....
Do I do anything about the money he owes me in small claims court? What I really want is for him to realize how wrong he was and say he's sorry, but I don't think that is going to happen. Then I thought, well, if I do take him to small claims, then maybe he will think twice again before he does this to somebody else. I keep praying and praying and yet I still don't know what to do...God hasn't revealed anything to me yet....so I am hoping that some of you can help me.

Thanks for your comments and please keep in mind that I'm still very hurt and upset about this whole break up and at the same time I am very thankful to God for showing me his flawed character.

~B

 

[sherri]

Sorry this is such a long story - This is my question....
Do I do anything about the money he owes me in small claims court? What I really want is for him to realize how wrong he was and say he's sorry, but I don't think that is going to happen. Then I thought, well, if I do take him to small claims, then maybe he will think twice again before he does this to somebody else. I keep praying and praying and yet I still don't know what to do...God hasn't revealed anything to me yet....so I am hoping that some of you can help me.

Thanks for your comments and please keep in mind that I'm still very hurt and upset about this whole break up and at the same time I am very thankful to God for showing me his flawed character.

I think legal action sounds like a great idea - hopefully you can get some satisfaction that way. If not (due to evidence or circumstances) - I would strongly recommend you seeing his pastor and if necessary, telling your mutual friends about it. In fact he really needs somebody in christian leadership to get on his case anyway because that kind of behaviour does not live up to christian standards.
If you don't put the pressure on, you may never see your money again and as you said, if he's done it you - he could very easily (and probably be even more likely) to do it to someone else.


Sorry to hear you were taken advantage of

 

[Irascible]

I'm sorry dear sister to hear that. Such utter betrayal is an awful thing to go through.

Unfortunately you're not likely to get far in small claims unless you have some sort of written proof. He'll lie through his teeth and he won't do it nicely. He'll viciously tear you down in court and paint you as the problem. If the Lord speaks something to you differently then please ignore me. But IMHO it's best to write him off. Take the loss as a lesson learned. Otherwise you'll put yourself and your children through an emotional roller coaster that will avail nothing.

Believe me when I say I'm a law and order kind of guy. Scum bags should be made to feel the heat. If you actually do have some sort of proof then I agree with the above. Put them in a vice and squeeze, if you know what I mean. But in this case I doubt he'll feel much of anything because I'm betting this was an undocumented personal loan. Go to court and you'll feel that betrayal all over again and you'll feel betrayed by the justice system. Single moms have a big enough task on their hands without having to fight a losing legal battle.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

I hope you kept his email and if he left a voice message, record that too. That will give you some proof that he acknowledges there was money loaned. If at all possible I think it would be better if it was resolved outside of court. Tell him you need the money and that you will take action to get it back. If he still refuses to start repaying then I would contact his pastor if he has a church home. If not, then take him to small claims. He certainly sounds slimy-taking money from a single mother.

 

[stormgade4]

Small claims court is about the only option but when it comes to this kind of arrangement, without a written and signed document, it's simply your word against his. Better to just move on.

 

[Argent]

Hmmm.....I always wonder why seemingly nice Christian women take up with losers. Are you that lonely?

Anyway, you're options are:

out of court:

Appeal, calmly and without tears and emotion, to him that you didn't mean to pressure him or think that he could pay you back right away, but rather, you simply asked when he thought he could pay back the loan, and that you fully expected him to get back on his feet before then.

If he still refuses:

Put the social heat on. Do your mutual friends and family know about the loan? Let me tell you a story from when I was in college. It's not exactly the same, but you'll get the idea: I moved out of an apartment and the landlord wouldn't give me my deposit back, even though I did everything I was obliged to in the lease. He actully gave me "The check is in the mail" line. Of course, the check never arrived. The he started telling me he had financial problems. So, a close friend of his had shown me the apt. as a favor to the landlord, so I knew the friend's name. I also had chatted up the landlord and knew his mother's and wife's names. One day I called all of them and told them what was going on. I called his friend and told him everything. I called his wife and told her. I called his mother and told her. The check arrived two days later.

Now, embarrassing people in front of the people they are close to can work sometimes, but some people have no shame and can't be embarrassed, so the social heat doesn't work on them, but you might be surprised at how effective it can be to expose some people's behavior to the people who know them.

In court:

If the loan is samll enough, you can take him to Small Claims Court. Check with the Small Claims Court to see what the cutoff is. If you pay extra, you can have the sherrif/marshall serve him the papers. That alone might be enough to get his attention and compel him to pay you and end it.

If you end up in the court, bring the emails and a transcript of the phone message. This might very well be enough evidence. Also, a copy of the check you wrote him would be good.

Good luck. And stop taking up with losers! Join a church and participate in it and maybe God will bless you with a Godly man. And be honest: Are you being a good role model for your children, especially your daughter/s? They are going to do the same thing you do, including taking up with the same kind of men you do.

 

[~HopeFloats~]

I have loaned money out often and never seen it again, I figure now if I do not want it back-- then I do not loan it to a friend.

Sure you can go through small claims court but really nothing is going happen..

Do yourself a huge favor and just forgive the debt-- it is not worth the time.

 

[Spicy McHaggis]

how much money are we talking about?

 

[JPPT1974]

We must be talking lots of money that your friend owes
Sorry about your situation!

 

[Wisedove]

Bel9110,
Hi, I really felt your pain in the letter you wrote and I'm really sorry he hurt you that way. This is a classic example of the evil of loving money. A seemingly nice friend turns into a monster! Well, if it's any consolation, I would say that it's only a matter of time before he crashes again and is flat broke. He may end up coming back to you at that point trying to be nice, but if I was you I would avoid a relationship in the future. This person seems unstable and you and your children need stability. This also frustrates me because he claims to be a Christian. That doesn't work for me. I don't buy it. But only the Lord knows.
I don't have any advice for you on what you should do except to openly consider the nature of God. This is where you will realize how strong Jesus really was. It takes an extreme amount of strength to allow someone to hurt you without retaliation. This is what Jesus did for us and taught us to do for others.
Bel9110, I'm sorry you have to go through this. I love you in Christ.

 

[septemberskies]

One of the best pieces of advice ever given to was to "never lend out money that you can't afford to miss".

If it's a very small amount ($50, $20, $32, etc) just chalk it up to a loss and forgive it. The Lord will bless you with three times as much then what you lended out if you trust Him.

If its a larger amount ($500, $2,000, $800,etc) you might want to consider going to small claims court. Now the thing is to make a case, he would have had to enter into a verbal or written binding agreement about paying you back (I think you would have had to also attempt at some point to make collection on the debt)... without that you won't have a case. But again, you can always choose to forgive the debt and lean on the Lord to bless you with the moneyback.

 

[Bel9110]

I think legal action sounds like a great idea - hopefully you can get some satisfaction that way. If not (due to evidence or circumstances) - I would strongly recommend you seeing his pastor and if necessary, telling your mutual friends about it. In fact he really needs somebody in christian leadership to get on his case anyway because that kind of behaviour does not live up to christian standards.
If you don't put the pressure on, you may never see your money again and as you said, if he's done it you - he could very easily (and probably be even more likely) to do it to someone else.


Sorry to hear you were taken advantage of

Hi everyone, I liked to say thank you all so much for your imput and of your Christian love and support. I could feel it all the way through to m bones and it meant alot to me. I'm going to take everyone's suggestions and read them again and then pray more about this situation and listen to God.

Now after putting this out there I realize I should of told everyone the amount (which as $500) not sure if that would of made a total difference, but that seem to be the quesiton on everyones mind. I also wanted to clarify to to "Argent" that I didn't go out there and say "hey, I'm looking for a loser type guy who will take advantage of me", you set out in these relationships getting to know a person and then find out along the way they are nothing like what you had origianl thought or even hoped. I agree that it's very important that the behavior and the people that I bring into my childrens lives are crucial to their developement and I assure you that I explained the situation to them fully (I have one of each) and how wrong it was so they would understand why he won't be around in our lives anymore.

Everyone one great with their suggestions and support and I know that I don't want to fight about this in court, I don't feel that I'll get closure there either. But what I think I'll probably do is send him a letter asking for it one more time and pray that He will convict his heart. I'm very grateful for the lessons I learn and I'm forever learning them and this is one that I learned the hard way, why is it that we only seem to learn from the hard way.

As I sit hear with tears going down my face, I'm so very thankful for what I do have and how very blessed I am to have complete Christian strangers reach out and take the time to help me that I know that all of this pain, betrayal and hurt that I'm feeling from this man is pale in comparison to many who have shared on this forum, but I do know now that I am not going to let him still my joy for a minute longer.

Thank you all ~
In Christ~
B~

 

[Spicy McHaggis]

My rule of thumb is that if you loan to family members, expect nothing back, if you loan to friends expect half back.

I think I've got about a grand out there myself right now. So far I've been paid back in "oh, well, when this next thing happens, THEN I'll be able to pay you..."

Not like saying this after the fact is going to help, but if $500.00 makes a huge difference in your life, you shouldn't be loaning it out. I know the money I lent out put a bend in my groove for about a year because I wasn't in the right financial position to roll with some punches.

$500 I'd consider it gone, and be happy to get half of it back. Maybe even offer up the payment plan of $50 a month. Even if you get a couple months of fifties you'll get back more than the nothing you're getting right now.

 

[~HopeFloats~]

I have to agree with the ^ poster.

Forgive the debt-- it is not helping you but forgiving it will.

Then know this is a lesson learned and always look out for the best interest of you and your child..

 

[lunalinda]

*sigh* I feel your pain. I'm sorry that there's unfortunately too many people out there who'll take advantage of the people who only want to be there for them, to help them out as friends. It's amazing how cold people can be, and they're seemingly the coldest to people who should mean something to them!! I went through exactly the same thing. I've prayed about my situation just as well. I've put it in God's hands recently, but even so, the hurt can still be there, because I never expected him to go against his own word about paying me back. I too was in a relationship with a "Christian" guy (whatever his definiton of that is) and I was eventually crushed just the same, mostly by his actions, or lack thereof.

What bothers me most about my situation isn't the fact that he still hasn't paid me back my money (loaned him $650 back in October 2004!!), but the fact that he TOLD me he would reimburse me, REPEATEDLY and INSISTENTLY, and BY HIS OWN DOING. More often than not, it would be HIM bringing up the subject of reimbursement, not me. I wouldn't have gotten so bent out of shape over it if he didn't contiually plaster on the hope that I can count on him to keep his WORD. If he would have just shut up about it, I might have let it go. But no, he had to keep insisting, and I had to keep feeling the burn of untruthful insistence. So, that's what hurts the most. The fact that he'd lie to me so very often about it, while still claiming he's not lying. I already thought of myself as a fool, and his empty words didn't help much, except saying in their own way that I'm still a fool for even DARING to think he MIGHT be telling the truth this time. This must be why God hates a lying tongue. It's so very lethal to the hearts that just want to love.

I've felt the consequences of such a STUPID action, (couldn't afford Christmas, and am now behind on my bills) and all because he still can't find it in himself to pay me back. I even mentioned it to him that my funds are very tight, and that it would be VERY nice if he can reimburse me to HELP me (he always did claim that I can come to him for help...YEAH RIGHT!!!) I've wrote him letters and even sent him a copy of the bank statement with the transaction clearly circled, complete with my own handwritten comments, and still....nothing. I finally informed his mother, who was not only shocked that he kept me waiting for so long, but also shocked that he used me (she's not fond of men taking women for granted). She insisted she'd "get on him" about it, but eh...still nothing. I'm still tossing around the idea to call her back, since she did tell me to call back for updates, but...I don't know if that'll be an act of doubt since I did leave it in God's hands.

My sister suggested taking him to court, but my only proof would be that bank statement, which showed the amount, and where that amount was paid to. That and my original blog that speaks of when I was manipulated into paying him. Hmm...could that be proof? A journal entry with the original date of the transaction plus my bank statement? But eh, there's still no proof of him saying he'd pay me back. Oyyy whatever. It matters not. I can still feel the cripple of my foolish judgment, but unlike him, my life does not revolve around money. I can get myself through this situation without having to whine to my friends with the intent to use them like he did. Amazing how much more a "man" I am than him. And you know what's REALLY pathetic? One of the last times we spoke, he bragged about how much money his new job would pay him (some $1600 a WEEK!!) What he owes me isn't even HALF of ONE of his stupid paychecks (something that won't cripple him as much as it did me), and yet...NOTHING!!

Gawsh, anywayz, I'm sorry to hijack your thread, but I just wanted to let you know that I can definitely relate. People have told me what they tell you here...to just let it go. I've told myself to forgive, because it's very true: When you don't forgive, it will eat away at you. It still eats away at me. I can still be so bitter over it. I try to think of it as this: Hundreds of dollars may be a lot of money for us people who could really use it, but it's a small price to pay to learn of a person's TRUE character (especially a person you love), a character that you might not have ever come to know if something like money wasn't involved. See that's the thing about loans. It involves a lot of trust. And unfortunately, that's one of the only ways to truly know if you can trust people. Anyway, I try to think of it in that sense. I paid $650 for the truth, and I can deal with that. It can hurt, but I can deal. Best wishes for you. God'll pull you through.

 

[Spicy McHaggis]

You don't need to be a cartoon owl with a graduation cap and a diploma in hand to see that the recurring theme here is that when we loan money we don't get it back.

Everybody write that down so we don't forget it.

 

[OhhJim]

Talk to somebody who knows about this sort of thing. Call an attorney, or Legal Aid, or something. Talk to your pastor, as has been suggested. Some radio stations have call-in shows with a lawyer host. Get some good, qualified advice. If you or your friends know a lawyer personally, ask him/her. Lawyers don't like to give free legal advice, but they are happy to tell you who to talk to about your situation, for a fee.

Personally, I'd go to Small Claims Court, with a copy of the check you gave him. It's a legal principle that if you give money to somebody, they have to give you something of value in return. If he can't prove he gave you something, he's sure to lose. Unless he can prove he's a charity!

 

[Tink]

Well, a couple of things...

You may want to remind your Christian friend of:
"The wicked borrow and do not repay, but the righteous give generously..." Psalm 37:21

And then concerning taking him to court, I offer: "And how dare you take each other to court! When you think you have been wronged, does it make any sense to go before a court that knows nothing of God's ways instead of a family of Christians? The day is coming when the world is going to stand before a jury made up of Christians. If someday you are going to rule on the world's fate, wouldn't it be a good idea to practice on some of these smaller cases? Why, we're even going to judge angels! So why not these everyday affairs? As these disagreements and wrongs surface, why would you ever entrust them to the judgment of people you don't trust in any other way? I say this as bluntly as I can to wake you up to the stupidity of what you're doing. Is it possible that there isn't one levelheaded person among you who can make fair decisions when disagreements and disputes come up? I don't believe it. 6And here you are taking each other to court before people who don't even believe in God! How can they render justice if they don't believe in the God of justice? These court cases are an ugly blot on your community. Wouldn't it be far better to just take it, to let yourselves be wronged and forget it? All you're doing is providing fuel for more wrong, more injustice, bringing more hurt to the people of your own spiritual family." 1 Corinthians 6:1-8

Before anyone gets angry or has a cow...they aren't my words, but His.

For His glory!
Tink

 

[JPPT1974]

Get an attorney my friend
A Christian one if you can find one
Pray about the situation
Talk to your pastor about it
As well as remind your friend about the money
Firm but politely!

 

[sherri]

lol - have a cow. I haven't heard that one in ages. Nice translation too btw whichever one you used.

I sometimes forget that one. However the assumption here is that your church is able to deal with the issue (some churchs arn't). If thats the case you need to use wisdom and really rely on Gods guidence in the whole thing.

It's awful being taken advantage of. And it must be so much worse to have it done to you by someone you trusted and were emotionally involved with.