Having Close Friendships with Unbelievers

[BNR32FAN]

***** Possible ROCD/Scrupulosity Trigger: Do not read if you have ROCD/Scrupulosity *****

Hello, I have frequently come across this issue of whether or not having close friendships with unbelievers is unbiblical or wrong. For me, there are two arguments to this issue, and I will provide several sources which support each argument.

Argument 1: As a Christian, it is unbiblical or wrong to have close friendships with unbelievers.

In an Ask Dr. Stanley episode titled "Can I hang out with unbelievers and be a good witness?", Dr. Charles Stanley quoted Proverbs 13:20 (NKJV), which says, "Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm." Now, the Bible defines a fool in Psalms 53:1 (NKJV), which says, "The fool has said in his heart, 'There is no God.' They are corrupt, and have done abominable iniquity; There is none who does good." In other words, a fool is associated with wickedness and a direct denial of God; an unbeliever. Now, Dr. Charles Stanley's argument to the fact that Jesus was regularly hanging out with sinners and even called "a friend of tax collectors and sinners" was that Jesus was holy and certainly could not be tempted in ways that we are.

Furthermore, Got Questions Ministries, in an article titled "Is it good to have close friendships with unbelievers?", states that "Many people have been saved because of the prayers and service of Christians, so don’t turn your back on unbelievers, but having any kind of intimate relationship with an unbeliever can quickly and easily turn into something that is a hindrance to your walk with Christ. We are called to evangelize the lost, not be intimate with them. There is nothing wrong with building quality friendships with unbelievers – but the primary focus of such a relationship should be to win them to Christ by sharing the Gospel with them and demonstrating God’s saving power in our own lives."

Or, some sources such as Answers From The Book, in an article titled "Is it okay for Christians to have close friendships with unbelievers?", states that a Christian should not have close friendships with unbelievers as we are not to be "unequally yoked together with unbelievers" as stated in 2 Corinthians 6:14 (NKJV).

Therefore, do you think that it is unbiblical, or even a sin, to pursue close friendships with unbelievers if the end goal is to win them to Christ? If not, is it unbiblical to retain your close friendship with unbelievers if they have resisted Christ in the past, with the hope that they may still be saved one day?

Argument 2: As long as you are not dragged into worldly behavior, having close friendships with unbelievers are okay - or may even be beneficial as you can understand them at a deeper level and lead them to Christ more effectively.

In an Ask Pastor John episode titled "Wisdom in Friendships with Non-Christians" by DesiringGod.org, Pastor John Piper outlined two sets of admonitions:

1. Which way is the transforming influence flowing? When you are with someone, are they being transformed, or are you being transformed? Are you being drawn to minimize the value of holiness? Have your standards been compromised? Are you being made callous and hard toward things in, say, movies or on television or in language that you weren’t once hard to, but sensitive to? That is the first question.
2. And the second question is, are we loving these people for their sake — that is, that they would come to faith and they would become godly — or do we really love them because we love what they enjoy and really just like being with them in their worldliness?

Or, CompellingTruth.org, in an article titled "Should Christians have close friendships with unbelievers?", concluded that "What is the proper balance of these biblical principles? It is clear we are to build friendships with unbelievers. It would be extremely difficult to share Christ with others and show the love of God without building some level of friendship with an unbeliever. Yet, we must be cautious in our friendships with unbelievers. In our attempts to share the love of God with others, we can find ourselves falling to sinful desires if we are around certain people or situations for a long period of time. We must pray for wisdom regarding which unbelievers we can best reach and how to best reach them. Overall, our goal must be to both live a godly life while also sharing our faith with those who have yet to believe."

Now, to me, both of these sources support the argument that it is okay to pursue close friendships with unbelievers as long as you are not dragged into their worldly behavior and that your goal for the friendship should be leading them to Christ.

I am certainly careful with the unbelievers that I choose to be with in my close circle of friends and the influence they have on me. However, I am concerned that having them in my close circle of friends in and of itself is unbiblical, wrong, or even a sin. Just as a note, I have been diagnosed with Religious OCD or Scrupulosity, and this may be the reason I am excessively careful with the dos and don'ts in the Bible. However, it would be comforting to know a clear perspective from other fellow Christians on this issue. Thanks for reading, and have a nice day!

Note: I have excluded some points from the articles/episodes/podcasts of both arguments. It is not my intention to make these sources seem adamant to the argument they are under. I only want to know what other fellow Christians think about these arguments solely as they have been troubling me lately. In fact, I encourage you to click on the hyperlinks attached to the titles to watch/read/listen to them in full if you are interested.

I think another thing to consider in this discussion is family. My father whom I’ve always been extremely close with was an unbeliever and I’m very pleased to say that I’m his final years living with me he came to Christ about 3 years before his death. So it just goes to show that having an intimate relationship with unbelievers can be extremely beneficial for them. I’m confident that if my dad had not come to live with me in his final years he would most likely not have come to Christ. Hate the sin not the sinner is my motto.

 

[RDKirk]

You are reading into the text that they were married before one got saved. The text does not say one way or the other, if one was saved when they got married. After all, it was early in Christian Church.

Well, it is possible that a young girl was somehow evangelized while her father was still pagan and then arranged to be married to a pagan man. But that would not have been a frequent pattern.

 

[Anthony2019]

I have many friends who are Christians, and I have many who are not. All of them have enriched my life in so many different ways and I thank God for bringing each and every one of them into my path.

I am grateful for my long term friend, a devout atheist, who helped me back in the 1990s when I was suffering from a time of depression and a crisis of faith. Even though he was not a believer, he spent many days and weeks listening to me and trying to help me rediscover my faith.

When I was living in France, I made friends with a group of Muslim students who went out of their way to make sure that I felt included and welcomed. I will never forget their kind hospitality, the meals, the drinks, and the door that was always open day and night if I needed company and wanted to talk. I remember the care and concern they showed when I was not feeling well.

The gorgeous glass chess set that takes pride of place in my living room was bought for me by my friend who is a Sikh. Years ago, in passing, I talked to him about my fondness for chess sets, not because I can play the game very well (I can't!), but because when I was a little child, my father, before he died, sat down with me and tried to teach me to play it. I was very moved by such a wonderful house warming present, the tremendous thought, care and attention to detail that had been put behind it.

 

[mark46]

***** Possible ROCD/Scrupulosity Trigger: Do not read if you have ROCD/Scrupulosity *****

Hello, I have frequently come across this issue of whether or not having close friendships with unbelievers is unbiblical or wrong. For me, there are two arguments to this issue, and I will provide several sources which support each argument.

Argument 1: As a Christian, it is unbiblical or wrong to have close friendships with unbelievers.

Jesus gave us the example to live by. For me, it is his life, not our personal interpretations of Scripture that is critical. I used teach my confirmation students to pray each morning that Jesus (through the Spirit) might show us the Way each day and be with us as we interact with the world.

I have always found it sad that so many think that the world and those who do not yet believe are the enemies. Jesus gave us so many examples.
===
I have had two Protestant pastors who were especially clear on this subject.

MY MENTOR (SOUTHERN BAPTIST)
One of our local church moved from the central city (small city) to the suburbs. Brother George often shared how sad it was so sad that now he and almost all of those in ministry had few or no contacts with unbelievers, and certainly no close friends. He tried to change this, but it rarely happened. For Brother George that our mission, our purpose, is NOT to spend so much time in the comfort of Church, church groups, ministries and family. Our place is in the world, even though we are not part of it. We are to be examples in all of our many relationships with unbelievers.

MY PRAYER GROUP PASTOR
Brother Paul led a downtown church. He and all of us were always to be out in the world, having strong relationships with unbelievers.
============
AS AN ASIDE
There are many ways to reach the world. One primary one is to have lots of close relationships and be the Christian example. Folks will ask for advice. Folks will give you an opportunity share. This type of friendship ministry is one of the cores of evangelism.

 

[rebornfree]

I have many friends who are Christians, and I have many who are not. All of them have enriched my life in so many different ways and I thank God for bringing each and every one of them into my path.

I am grateful for my long term friend, a devout atheist, who helped me back in the 1990s when I was suffering from a time of depression and a crisis of faith. Even though he was not a believer, he spent many days and weeks listening to me and trying to help me rediscover my faith.

When I was living in France, I made friends with a group of Muslim students who went out of their way to make sure that I felt included and welcomed. I will never forget their kind hospitality, the meals, the drinks, and the door that was always open day and night if I needed company and wanted to talk. I remember the care and concern they showed when I was not feeling well.

The gorgeous glass chess set that takes pride of place in my living room was bought for me by my friend who is a Sikh. Years ago, in passing, I talked to him about my fondness for chess sets, not because I can play the game very well (I can't!), but because when I was a little child, my father, before he died, sat down with me and tried to teach me to play it. I was very moved by such a wonderful house warming present, the tremendous thought, care and attention to detail that had been put behind it.

I think that is a beautiful post Anthony. I hope they all have/will come to know the Lord.

Jesus gave us the example to live by. For me, it is his life, not our personal interpretations of Scripture that is critical. I used teach my confirmation students to pray each morning that Jesus (through the Spirit) might show us the Way each day and be with us as we interact with the world.

I have always found it sad that so many think that the world and those who do not yet believe are the enemies. Jesus gave us so many examples.
===
I have had two Protestant pastors who were especially clear on this subject.

MY MENTOR (SOTHERN BAPTIST)
One of our local church moved from the central city (small city) to the suburbs. Brother George often shared how sad it was so sad that now he and almost all of those in ministry had few or no contacts with unbelievers, and certainly no close friends. He tried to change this, but it rarely happened. For Brother George that our mission, our purpose, is NOT to spend so much time in the comfort of Church, church groups, ministries and family. Our place is in the world, even though we are not part of it. We are to be examples in all of our many relationships with unbelievers.

MY PRAYER GROUP PASTOR
Brother Paul led a downtown church. He and all of us were always to be out in the world, having strong relationships with unbelievers.
============
AS AN ASIDE
There are many ways to reach the world. One primary one is to have lots of close relationships and be the Christian example. Folks will ask for advice. Folks will give you an opportunity share. This type of friendship ministry is one of the cores of evangelism.

I agree.

I might be wrong but the way I see it is that we are not meant to be a holy huddle, but salt and light in the world. I see us all on a journey, during which we will be given an opportunity to accept the Lord Jesus as our Saviour. Some of us have done that, some sadly will never do so, others have not reached that point yet. We just live among the people where God puts us: friends, families, neighbours, colleagues, etc. and live our Christian lives there. Obviously there will be things we cannot do which others might want us to, but as long as we seek the Kingdom first, spend time with the Lord, read the Bible and have some Christian friends (who will probably be the closest because of our shared faith) I think it is okay to have friends who are not Christians (yet). The only case I can see for avoiding some people would be if they are involved in things which would pull us away from God.

I'm not totally at ease about being friends with people only in order to win them to the Lord. Would we want someone to be friends with us only for the purpose of persuading us to their way of thinking? That sounds a bit manipulative or controlling. Obviously we want people to be saved - I feel great distress about those who are not - and a large part of the friendship is to pray for them and use opportunities to witness, but surely we are friends because we love them and have something in common with them: shared experiences, common interests, family etc. They are not just potential objects for conversion, although that's the best thing that can happen to them, but people to be loved even if they don't accept our faith. That doesn't mean that we agree with them though.

 

[Von Davidicus]

If I didn't have unbelieving friends, I wouldn't have any friends at all. I would have nobody to talk sci-fi with, nobody to talk music with, and CERTAINLY nobody to confide with.

I'd also have to quit my job, since most of my coworkers are unbelievers. Not sure if I want to work for any of the "Christian" businesses around here; they're are some of the shadiest I know.

I know this is a worldly thing, but I really enjoy playing music with others, and so \would feel bad about having to give up jam sessions, since those are held in bars and community halls, not churches.

In short, I'd be alone and have very little to do. And I'd have to count it all joy. :-/

 

[mark46]

.

I'm not totally at ease about being friends with people only in order to win them to the Lord.

I am not at all at ease with being friends with people only in order to win them to the Lord. Yes, we should always be prepare to give the reason for our Hope, to always be ready to share.

Saint Francis taught us that we should be good, and holy, examples. We should share our faith through how we live. Yes, if necessary (or asked), we should use words. We are to be examples; we are to help the needy among us, and we should pray for those in our lives.

Over my lifetime, a very common time for me of using words was when I was with someone of another faith community. Sharing with those of another faith is a very powerful experience. And yes, barriers are often dropped, after misunderstandings disappear.
===============
AN ASIDE
I do want to be clear. I strongly support missionaries, primarily to those parts of the world that haven't heard the word, or who are severely under-served.

 

[SoldierOfTheKing]

Jesus was close friends with His disciples.

They were all sinners, but not unbelievers.

Except Judas...

 

[Kettriken]

Being friends and intimates with unbelievers is a unique challenge, but not an ungodly one. Npw, your choice is one that relies on how confident you feel in Christ in a given moment. Some days you may be easily able to engage without any challenge to your faith or righteous lifestyle, while other times you may need the supportive advice of more pious brothers and sisters.

Pray for the wisdom to discern between the two times.

 

[Daniel Marsh]

Except Judas...

Matthew 27:3-4
J.B. Phillips New Testament

3-4 Then Judas, who had betrayed him, saw that he was condemned and in his remorse returned the thirty silver coins to the chief priests and elders, with the words, “I was wrong—I have betrayed an innocent man to death.” “And what has that got to do with us?” they replied. “That’s your affair.”

Does this text show that Judas now believed that Jesus was the Messiah? Or at sometime, believed and then lost his faith?

 

[Gregory Thompson]

***** Possible ROCD/Scrupulosity Trigger: Do not read if you have ROCD/Scrupulosity *****

Hello, I have frequently come across this issue of whether or not having close friendships with unbelievers is unbiblical or wrong. For me, there are two arguments to this issue, and I will provide several sources which support each argument.

Argument 1: As a Christian, it is unbiblical or wrong to have close friendships with unbelievers.

In an Ask Dr. Stanley episode titled "Can I hang out with unbelievers and be a good witness?", Dr. Charles Stanley quoted Proverbs 13:20 (NKJV), which says, "Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm." Now, the Bible defines a fool in Psalms 53:1 (NKJV), which says, "The fool has said in his heart, 'There is no God.' They are corrupt, and have done abominable iniquity; There is none who does good." In other words, a fool is associated with wickedness and a direct denial of God; an unbeliever. Now, Dr. Charles Stanley's argument to the fact that Jesus was regularly hanging out with sinners and even called "a friend of tax collectors and sinners" was that Jesus was holy and certainly could not be tempted in ways that we are.

Furthermore, Got Questions Ministries, in an article titled "Is it good to have close friendships with unbelievers?", states that "Many people have been saved because of the prayers and service of Christians, so don’t turn your back on unbelievers, but having any kind of intimate relationship with an unbeliever can quickly and easily turn into something that is a hindrance to your walk with Christ. We are called to evangelize the lost, not be intimate with them. There is nothing wrong with building quality friendships with unbelievers – but the primary focus of such a relationship should be to win them to Christ by sharing the Gospel with them and demonstrating God’s saving power in our own lives."

Or, some sources such as Answers From The Book, in an article titled "Is it okay for Christians to have close friendships with unbelievers?", states that a Christian should not have close friendships with unbelievers as we are not to be "unequally yoked together with unbelievers" as stated in 2 Corinthians 6:14 (NKJV).

Therefore, do you think that it is unbiblical, or even a sin, to pursue close friendships with unbelievers if the end goal is to win them to Christ? If not, is it unbiblical to retain your close friendship with unbelievers if they have resisted Christ in the past, with the hope that they may still be saved one day?

Argument 2: As long as you are not dragged into worldly behavior, having close friendships with unbelievers are okay - or may even be beneficial as you can understand them at a deeper level and lead them to Christ more effectively.

In an Ask Pastor John episode titled "Wisdom in Friendships with Non-Christians" by DesiringGod.org, Pastor John Piper outlined two sets of admonitions:

1. Which way is the transforming influence flowing? When you are with someone, are they being transformed, or are you being transformed? Are you being drawn to minimize the value of holiness? Have your standards been compromised? Are you being made callous and hard toward things in, say, movies or on television or in language that you weren’t once hard to, but sensitive to? That is the first question.
2. And the second question is, are we loving these people for their sake — that is, that they would come to faith and they would become godly — or do we really love them because we love what they enjoy and really just like being with them in their worldliness?

Or, CompellingTruth.org, in an article titled "Should Christians have close friendships with unbelievers?", concluded that "What is the proper balance of these biblical principles? It is clear we are to build friendships with unbelievers. It would be extremely difficult to share Christ with others and show the love of God without building some level of friendship with an unbeliever. Yet, we must be cautious in our friendships with unbelievers. In our attempts to share the love of God with others, we can find ourselves falling to sinful desires if we are around certain people or situations for a long period of time. We must pray for wisdom regarding which unbelievers we can best reach and how to best reach them. Overall, our goal must be to both live a godly life while also sharing our faith with those who have yet to believe."

Now, to me, both of these sources support the argument that it is okay to pursue close friendships with unbelievers as long as you are not dragged into their worldly behavior and that your goal for the friendship should be leading them to Christ.

I am certainly careful with the unbelievers that I choose to be with in my close circle of friends and the influence they have on me. However, I am concerned that having them in my close circle of friends in and of itself is unbiblical, wrong, or even a sin. Just as a note, I have been diagnosed with Religious OCD or Scrupulosity, and this may be the reason I am excessively careful with the dos and don'ts in the Bible. However, it would be comforting to know a clear perspective from other fellow Christians on this issue. Thanks for reading, and have a nice day!

Note: I have excluded some points from the articles/episodes/podcasts of both arguments. It is not my intention to make these sources seem adamant to the argument they are under. I only want to know what other fellow Christians think about these arguments solely as they have been troubling me lately. In fact, I encourage you to click on the hyperlinks attached to the titles to watch/read/listen to them in full if you are interested.

I wonder how many of those believing relationships were true friendships. If that church doesn't work out - take note, how many actually still stay in touch.

So finding real friends at all believing or not, is kind of difficult.

 

[DiscipleHeLovesToo]

...

Therefore, do you think that it is unbiblical, or even a sin, to pursue close friendships with unbelievers if the end goal is to win them to Christ? If not, is it unbiblical to retain your close friendship with unbelievers if they have resisted Christ in the past, with the hope that they may still be saved one day?

...

I am certainly careful with the unbelievers that I choose to be with in my close circle of friends and the influence they have on me. However, I am concerned that having them in my close circle of friends in and of itself is unbiblical, wrong, or even a sin....

 

[DiscipleHeLovesToo]

oops!!! didn't mean to post without a response...

...

Therefore, do you think that it is unbiblical, or even a sin, to pursue close friendships with unbelievers if the end goal is to win them to Christ? If not, is it unbiblical to retain your close friendship with unbelievers if they have resisted Christ in the past, with the hope that they may still be saved one day?

...

I am certainly careful with the unbelievers that I choose to be with in my close circle of friends and the influence they have on me. However, I am concerned that having them in my close circle of friends in and of itself is unbiblical, wrong, or even a sin....

you seem to understand the danger of exposing yourself to the non-Christian views of unsaved people you respect as friends; so as long as you guard yourself and continue to sow the Word of God into their thinking in a compassionate way, then you won't be 'yoked' with them

(2Co 6:14) Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?
(2Co 6:15) And what concord hath Christ with Belial? or what part hath he that believeth with an infidel?
(2Co 6:16) And what agreement hath the temple of God with idols? for ye are the temple of the living God; as God hath said, I will dwell in them, and walk in them; and I will be their God, and they shall be my people.
(2Co 6:17) Wherefore come out from among them, and be ye separate, saith the Lord, and touch not the unclean thing; and I will receive you,
(2Co 6:18) And will be a Father unto you, and ye shall be my sons and daughters, saith the Lord Almighty.

 

[npw11]

If anything, you made me research what ROCD is and it helps me to understand it a lot better now. I get calls at work and even at people tell me they were diagnosed with ROCD - but I didn't take it seriously. Now I understand why people are constantly asking me some of the same questions. Thank you!

Great, I didn't expect to get such a response! It is pleasing to hear someone actually want to learn about these mental health conditions that some of us have. Thank you!

 

[PeterJames0510]

Great, I didn't expect to get such a response! It is pleasing to hear someone actually want to learn about these mental health conditions that some of us have. Thank you!

Absolutely! I find fascinating the convergence of Christian counseling and psychology in our pursuit of how to help people or point them in the right direction for whatever they feel might be troubling them. God Bless - Peter James

 

[Daniel Marsh]

read to here

 

[DragonFox91]

I struggle w/ friendships w/ unbelievers. They want to draw you into sin every time. I also feel these days unbelievers aren't as tolerant of believers, which creates tension, & hurts the friendship.

I know I can't do it.

I guess it depends how good a friend they are, how often you see them, & if you think they've made any progress in conversion.

 

[RDKirk]

I struggle w/ friendships w/ unbelievers. They want to draw you into sin every time. I also feel these days unbelievers aren't as tolerant of believers, which creates tension, & hurts the friendship.

I know I can't do it.

I guess it depends how good a friend they are, how often you see them, & if you think they've made any progress in conversion.

Unbelievers have never been tolerant of believers.

For you have spent enough time in the past doing what pagans choose to do--living in debauchery, lust, drunkenness, orgies, carousing and detestable idolatry. They are surprised that you do not join them in their reckless, wild living, and they heap abuse on you. - 1 Peter 4

 

[Daniel Marsh]

I struggle w/ friendships w/ unbelievers. They want to draw you into sin every time. I also feel these days unbelievers aren't as tolerant of believers, which creates tension, & hurts the friendship.

I know I can't do it.

I guess it depends how good a friend they are, how often you see them, & if you think they've made any progress in conversion.

It really depends on where you meet unbelievers. When I am well, I volunteer in community projects. Stick to middle class people to make friends that do not hang out at bars.

Aside: I hear the virus is closing bars. That is great.

 

[buzuxi02]

You can be friends with whomever you want as long as you can influence them and they not influence you on the statutes of God. Jesus dined with hookers and tax collectors afterall.