Hello all,
I have already shared my story on this forum somewhere about a year ago. I'm still stuck in the same predicament and I've been wondering if I have committed the unpardonable sin. To summarize my story: I was depressed, as an atheist, around the later part of 2015. Then I prayed, because I was so desperate and my prayer was answered. I found God and I learned what the Holy Spirit was and what It did in my life. I had really never felt better than ever before, it felt as if I became a new human being. I started walking,talking, thinking and doing everything in a new way. I was so happy that I found God and wanted to become a better person after He'd shown me that I was a great sinner before.
Then I started backsliding, severely, and ignoring the revelations and guidance of the Holy Spirit. I didn't want to do certain things that God wanted me to do, because that meant giving up on sin. So I started to love sin again and was a great partaker in it. I kept doing this until my mind got, what I believe is called 'reprobated'. Emotionally flat, no interest in anything, mentally turned inwards and hella confused, concentration and sleeping problems. Summarized: I have nothing left to live for, I don't even love my closest family anymore.
Life is so hard right now and I can't take it much longer. All of this writing doesn't come from actual despair, I don't feel anything at all. I don't even seem to care about God and my past sins anymore, my conscience is seared and it doesn't stop.
I quit smoking weed and drinking alcohol 3 weeks ago , but it hasn't changed anything for me. Hebrews 6 4-6 isn't even bothering me anymore even though I know I fit the picture and I certainly can't be returned to a repentant state. I have rejected the gift of salvation and I'm therefor hellbound. I even saw a part of me slipping into a great red wall of fire when I was on a shrooms trip áfter I had lost the Holy Spirit or close to the end of losing It and I actually felt the heat for a brief moment. I took these shrooms because I wanted to get another revelation. I heard my parents cry that I was gone and then saw that part of me sinking in a pit of fire. I was ungrateful, only loved sin after I had been born again and I'm a terrible person.
Also, there is no actual hatred of self anymore, I don't have to 'forgive myself',because I don't even feel that there's something to forgive. As if I have forgotten about everything I've done in the past. My mind is a mess.
So my question is: Can I fix this situation or am I done here and should I just accept my fate?