Hi, Jimmy, I'm not sure what you are actually struggling with, but your story sounds like mine. I hope you will take time to read my testimony below.
I grew up in a Baptist church where every Sunday I heard that I was a sinner who would go to hell if I didn't accept Jesus as my Lord and savior. At age 13, I was attending a revival at our church and when the evangelist gave the altar call he stepped out into the congregation, walking up & down the isles begging people to go to the altar and accept Christ as savior. I remember thinking to myself “I hope he doesn't come over here.” Well, he did walk over to me and when he put his hand on my shoulder I found myself walking down the isle to the altar. My Sunday School teacher met me there and led me through the Romans Road salvation plan, then he had me repeat a prayer after him asking Jesus to save me. I was baptized the next Sunday.
By the time I was around 18-19 years old I had forgot about God & actually had serious doubts that God was real or that the bible was true. I finished HS & college and started my teaching career at age 24, and had pretty much decided that God did not exist & that the bible was not true. Not long after I started my first teaching job I got married, and my wife and I attended church a few times. I started to think about the bible & God & all the things I had heard growing up about believing in Jesus, and although I had serious doubts about the truth of the bible and the existence of God I began to think that I might be wrong and the bible might be true. Finally, I decided that if I was wrong in my unbelief and the bible IS true then I would likely spend eternity in hell. That thought scared me so much that I began to really listen to the preacher when we DID go to church and eventually we started going regularly.
The next several years were miserable for me as I struggled with wanting to know the truth about the matter of salvation, while doubting the existence of God or the truth of the bible. I struggled with the meaning of “believe in Jesus.” I would hear preachers say “you have to confess Jesus in public,” “you have to promise to serve God the rest of your life,” “if Jesus isn't your Lord then He isn't your Savior,” you have to really mean business with God to be saved,” and so on. I was convinced that my salvation depended on me saying & doing the right things with the right attitude. I made many trips to the altar at church where I confessed Jesus as Lord & Savior. Many times I tried to “believe” by building up within myself a sense of having strong faith in Jesus, and then I would say a prayer confessing my sin and asking God to forgive my sin and to save me “in Jesus' name.” Saying that prayer would give me some peace & assurance for a day or two, and I would “feel” saved, but then I would hear the preacher say something like, “if you meant business with God when you said that prayer then you are saved,” and I would immediately ask myself “did I really mean business with God?” I could not answer that question with certainty, and soon the peace would be replaced with doubts & fear, and I would no longer have the feeling of being saved. I said that prayer many times, but could never find a lasting peace & assurance that God heard my prayer & saved me. My life was filled with feelings of misery, fear, and confusion.
For several years I talked to Christians, preachers, teachers, and read salvation tracts & books, but found nothing that convinced me of the truth of God's Way of salvation. I could not make myself believe. I thought I would NEVER know how to believe in Jesus so that God would save me. My life was miserable until I gave up on myself, and turned to the God who I wasn't sure existed for help. One night, as I lay down in bed hoping to get some sleep and with a sense of hopelessness & helplessness, I just gave up on myself and looked up at the ceiling and said this simple prayer, “God, will you show me how to believe in you?” The next night I picked up the big family bible, dusted it off, and turned to the Gospel of John. That was the first time I had ever read anything in the bible outside of church. I remembered someone saying that the Gospel of John told about Jesus, so that is where I started to read. I was desperately looking for the truth about God & Jesus, and I found my answer there. The difference in that night and all the other things I had been doing was that I turned from myself to God, and that's what God wants us to do. God wants us to turn to Him & to rely on Him, and when I did that God's Holy Spirit literally opened my blind spiritual eyes and allowed me to see the truth found in His Word.
I really believe that the time I went to the altar at age 13 was because I was under the influence of the preacher; not the Holy Spirit. Therefore, I was not really saved then.
The best way I know to explain my “experience” is that as I read through the Gospel of John God's Spirit turned on the light for me and “I got it.” I saw that Jesus had already done everything that God required for my sins to be forgiven. The Holy Spirit convinced me that when Jesus died on the cross and shed His blood there that my sins were nailed to that cross with Him and He paid the penalty for my sins “in full.” He paid my “sin debt” to God that I could never pay, and that He also proved He is God by coming out of that grave and that He is alive. The best way to describe the kind of “believe” I found there is that the moment I “got it” an enormous sense of relief overwhelmed my troubled soul and for the first time in my life I had peace. The peace I found that day is impossible to explain to anyone who has never found that peace for himself/herself. It is a lasting peace, because the source of that peace is not of myself, but it is the message of the cross. As that peace replaced the fear, the doubts melted away into a complete & total rest in knowing that Jesus had already paid my sin debt in full. God had just brought me out of complete spiritual darkness of unbelief into the light of His Word, and He immediately gave me the saving faith I needed to believe. I found myself talking to Jesus as though He was right there in the room with me. I did not think about how much faith I needed, or about confessing my sin, or about any of the things I had heard preachers say I should do. All I could think about was that I wanted Jesus in my life, and I told Him that as soon as I could. I don't know if my faith was weak or strong. All I knew was that I wanted to thank Him for dying on the cross for me & to tell Him I wanted Him to change me His way. He did change me that day. He gave me peace, and today, 40+ years later, I still have that same peace. Notice I said I “have” peace. I did not say I “feel” peace.
I don't “feel” saved today, but I have no doubts about the matter. I'm not worried about where I will spend eternity because my eternity is secured in the message of the cross; not in my feelings. If the peace I found over 40 years ago and which I still have today depended on my feelings then I would not have any peace & my life would be miserable.
My point is that knowing we have “believed” is not feeling we have believed, but it is the convincing work of the Holy Spirit as He convinces us that the penalty for our sin has already been paid in full. The Holy Spirit must be the convincing influence that draws a lost person to believe the Gospel. When the Holy Spirit convinces us of that truth so that we see that it includes “our” sin or includes “my” sin then that truth becomes real for us individually and that convincing influence of Holy Spirit leads us to rely upon that message so that we come to saving faith in the finished work of Jesus on the cross. When the Holy Spirit opened my eyes to the truth & I “got it” my troubled soul came to rest; I found my answer; my struggle was over. I saw that the matter is not about me; not about what “I” could do, but about what He had already done; it is a done deal; God cannot lie. It is finished.
My “feeling” is that after one “believes” then he/she would just naturally want to talk to Jesus about it, and Jesus promised that He will not reject anyone who comes to Him.
My struggle with “believing” happened over 40 years ago. Back then we did not have the internet as a source for finding information and/or to participate in a forum such as this one. My search ended when I found my answer in God's Word. That is the source I recommend to anyone who is searching for truth about believing in Jesus. But, I have found several good articles & sermons on the internet that I think might have been of some help to me back then had I known about them, and I am including links to 2 of them below. They are sermons by the late Dr. John R Rice, and I consider them to be a good source of information about believing, of course except for God's Word. I can give more resources if anyone is interested further reading. Again, God's Word is the best place to search for your answers.
1. How to Come to Jesus, by Dr. John R Rice
SermonIndex.net Audio Sermons - Sermon Index
2. What Must I do to be Saved, by Dr. John R Rice
SermonIndex.net Audio Sermons - Sermon Index
Regards,
John