Haunted by my wife's sexual past..

[CruciFixed]

So my wife and I have been married for 3 years now. I first met her when I was 12 or 13, and I had a crush on her, but nothing happened. Then later in life we met again and started dating. It was a dream come true.

She was my first - I was a virgin when we got married. She wasn't a virgin. She was completely honest with me, and told me the number of partners she'd been with in the past. She started having sex when she was 13 (around the time when I first met her), and she married me when she was 20. I love her, so at the time it didn't bother me too much. I know that her past is her past, and we weren't together back then.

Anyway, after we got married it really started to bother me. Not every day, probably a few times a month, something would trigger these bad thoughts. It could be something random on TV, or just a passing thought. Another thing that triggers the thoughts is that she's not "in the mood" very often, and when she turns me down when I want to have sex.. I think, maybe she's not as excited about sex because it's not as new to her, and she has already been sexually active for 7 years before we were married.

It really hurts to think that a lot of other guys had sex with my wife, and especially that I wasn't her first. It feels like I missed out on something really important and intimate. Then the wheels in my head start turning, and I think about other guys enjoying the pleasure that only I should enjoy with my wife. I start to wonder what things she did with her past partners, and well I'm sure you get the picture. She also lived with one of her boyfriends for like a year and half. I'm not even sure if I have had sex with her as many times as she has had sex with other guys. I know that sounds stupid, and honestly I'm not trying to compete, it's just one of the many thoughts that go through my mind. She also has said she doesn't like condoms (she just uses birth control).. which makes it even worse because then I start thinking of the guys that had sex with her without a condom.

I have talked to my wife about how I feel, and she basically says she is sorry and wishes she could take it back. When I'm feeling really down because of these thoughts, I feel like I can't tell her why I'm so depressed because I have already told her it bothers me and I don't feel that it's right to keep throwing it in her face since it's in the past and there's nothing she can do.

Usually I just force these bad thoughts out of my mind as soon as they start, and that works sometimes.. but I guess I'm wondering if there is anyway to actually heal this pain for good? Now my wife is ready to have kids.. and I want kids too, but I just don't feel like having kids when these thoughts plague my mind.

Is there anyone else going through the same thing as I am?

Hey my husband was sexually active a lot before we got married and he was my first everything. I was a virgin when we first started dating. I didn't have sex with him until we were together a year. He has had 8 partners counting me. He has no diseases though.

I think at first I felt awful because I was a virgin he was not. I saved myself for who I thought to be the right person (married going on 4 years) He had no way of knowing that little ol me was ever going to end up with him. So he couldn't have predicted that I would be a virgin and he would be all used up lol.

But there are ways for your wife to experience new pleasures and things with you that she never tried with anyone else before. My husband was not a virgin by any margin but he was able to experience new things sexually with me that no other partner tried with him in the past. Just consider that you have a special intimacy with your wife. None of those other guys are still around.

I definitely have a lot of stuff in common with you on the issue. It used to bother me because I used to think "Man why did I even care to save myself?" or "Why did I wait around?" Sometimes I had wished I had an ex so at least I wouldn't feel like a loser. He tells me "ex girlfriend stories" and I have no ex boyfriends at all to speak of and so he is TRULY in every way mentionable my first ever of anything including the first guy I dated.

Dwelling on her sexual past won't change her sexual past, kwim? It sucks to be like #____ whatever guy if you just think you're JUST #8 or #9 but if you say "I'm not just a number in her line up of sexual partners I am her husband, lover and best friend" then its easier than "Well I get to be #9 at least"

My husband says that even though I was a virgin with a little practice I've "rocked his world" better than any past experience he has had. First of all he loves me specially. Second of all you learn as you go. I am sure your wife isn't mentally comparing you to other lovers.

As an open to life Catholic I don't use birth control and sometimes sexual intercourse is unappealing to me too. I just don't have "it" anymore. Its not that I don't absolutely love my husband. Sometimes its just I am not in the mood. However, even when I am not in the mood I will still have sex with him because its not all about me in this marriage. Sometimes I say "No I am not in the mood tonight" But most of the time I just go at it and once its started its not as bad as I anticipate lol.

Try foreplay, romance your wife a little and see how she feels.

TRY to place her sexual past in the past and not to let your mind wander. IT might be hard. I know there have been occasions when I WANT to forget his past and that's when HE Will bring his past into the conversation. Its like man.....couldn't that be left where it belongs?

Remember who she comes home to at night. Also if you really are concerned about these things approach your wife. Tell her how you feel about her past and ask her if she's uninterested in your attempts. Confront her about how she's making you feel when she turns you down. TRY new things, sex in "taboo" places might help her. Explore each others fantasies as well.

Like I said my husband wasn't a virgin when I was and even though I experienced sex for the first time with him he got to experience some things for the first time with me.

 

[angryinlove]

I think its great that you control the urge to bring up her past, but its too bad that it bothers you. My husband has OCD and his obsession is my sexual past. He does not keep the highly graphic and detailed questions to himself and it drives us both crazy. I get sick to my stomach, body aches, lose weight, etc when the questioning begins. I've been with a handful of people and he has been with...well, quite possibly 100.

My advice is to seek professional counseling. No matter how much her past bothers you, she did not do anything wrong and she surely didn't sleep with other men knowing it would hurt you someday. No matter what, do not start asking questions because once you open the gate the questions will not stop. The more answers she gives you, the more questions you will develop until you are both miserable. There are days I feel like I hate my husband because I'm so overwhelmed by his questioning my past, but this is only when the OCD takes over. A therapist will help.

Good luck and I will pray for your situation.

 

[gloryseven]

Jesus teaches us to forgive. He says He is Our Comforter and Healer. I would ask Jesus, while on my knees, to truly heal me of the pain and to help me with my fears and concerns. I would ask Jesus to help my marriage develop in love and intimacy and I would fight off negative thoughts and not let the enemy have a stronghold.
May Jesus bless and strengthen you, your wife and bless you in your future.
Glory to God in the Highest and Peace to His people on earth. Amen.
gloryseven-Julie
prayerwarrior

 

[angryinlove]

"But if he got insecure that he wondered those things I think most men worry about like size and stuff I am afraid he would be devastated by my answers." If I could take back answering these question to my husband, I would. My husband knows sizes, positions that were done with each, details about pubic hair, etc...and its not that he truly wants to know these things, but he gets obsessed and nothing else matters. If he doesn't ask, the questions disappear on their own...however, if he asks one question, it turns to 100 questions. That is not me exaggerating...I'm probably not saying a high enough number for questions.

If you feel you're obsessed about your husband's inadequacy, I highly recommend talking your church counselor, or a trained professional in a medical facility. Obsessions do not go away on their own. My husband takes medication that helps with the OCD, but it does not cure it and it doesn't help much at all if there's no counseling. He's not able to do counseling right now, but will be back to counseling soon.

I will pray for your situation as well. Also, have you tried telling your husband what you want sexually? Vocalize what does and does not work. This makes a world of difference. Good luck to you and the original poster.

 

[naphi]

I am in a similar situation myself.
I have been married to my husband for 10 years now. When we got married, he asked me how many partners i have been with, which is 3 counting with him. He has a child with another woman and has had sexual relations with a number of girls maybe 10? But he wanted to know my sexual details with them and i lied on some of the details. Later when he found out he was so angry about. I understand and feel that he had a right to get angry. I feel sorry that i had pre-marital sex, maybe one too many with the guys i was in a relationship with. I would have been happy to provide my husband with the gift of virginity, and i love him so much. We have 2 beautiful children.
He is so obsessed with the past sexual history that it is affecting our relationship. I want to help him understand because it feels like he thinks the others before him were better - but honestly they werent. i have had the most memorable times with him - i have never loved anyone as i love him.
but even if i tell him that he doesnt believe me becuase i lied at the begining on the details.
Now he says that if i really loved him then i could give him the gift of him going around and sleeping with other women so that he can atleast be on equal ground - with the frequency and not the number of partners.
I feel so torn, and miserable. it feels like i have to get my punishment for my past. I also want to let him have his way but am sure he will not find what he is looking for from that.
But i think because he wants that so much, i am more than ready to let him. but am sure i will be miserable with that. and am sure our relationship will not be the same again?
Being a catholic, I sometimes wonder if maybe he is staying with me because he is bound? He says he doesn’t want to lose me, but it is complicated.
Please i need some suggestions. Am not sure he can go to therapy though we have discussed that.
thank you

ce

 

[Verve]

I am in a similar situation myself.
I have been married to my husband for 10 years now. When we got married, he asked me how many partners i have been with, which is 3 counting with him. He has a child with another woman and has had sexual relations with a number of girls maybe 10? But he wanted to know my sexual details with them and i lied on some of the details. Later when he found out he was so angry about. I understand and feel that he had a right to get angry. I feel sorry that i had pre-marital sex, maybe one too many with the guys i was in a relationship with. I would have been happy to provide my husband with the gift of virginity, and i love him so much. We have 2 beautiful children.
He is so obsessed with the past sexual history that it is affecting our relationship. I want to help him understand because it feels like he thinks the others before him were better - but honestly they werent. i have had the most memorable times with him - i have never loved anyone as i love him.
but even if i tell him that he doesnt believe me becuase i lied at the begining on the details.
Now he says that if i really loved him then i could give him the gift of him going around and sleeping with other women so that he can atleast be on equal ground - with the frequency and not the number of partners.
I feel so torn, and miserable. it feels like i have to get my punishment for my past. I also want to let him have his way but am sure he will not find what he is looking for from that.
But i think because he wants that so much, i am more than ready to let him. but am sure i will be miserable with that. and am sure our relationship will not be the same again?
Being a catholic, I sometimes wonder if maybe he is staying with me because he is bound? He says he doesn’t want to lose me, but it is complicated.
Please i need some suggestions. Am not sure he can go to therapy though we have discussed that.
thank you

ce

Sorry I'm going to have to play the tough love card on this one.

You both need to build a bridge and get over it together.
You're married, you've been married 10 years!

It's complicated, you say, what human relationship isn't?

Marriage means you are yoked together. That your union (legally, physically, spiritually) are on a whole 'nother playing field than having pre-marital sex.

Pray with one another about this, ask Him to heal your hearts, to show you the forgiveness He offers so you can share in it together.

 

[DZoolander]

When I was younger, the first woman I really ever dated (and who became my first wife...long story) and I were like that. I had never been with anyone when we first got together, and she'd been with like 8 guys. At first - after the novelty of "I've got a girlfriend and I lost my virginity" wore off - the disparity in numbers drove me crazy in a lot of the ways you're talking about.

I remember going to college - and sitting in the lecture halls counting guys. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8... wow... that's how many guys have been with my girlfriend", etc. She also made the mistake of letting me know about one specific time she'd had sex with one of them. I pieced together where it was, etc...and I could not even drive by that area any more back then. I made a conscious choice to re-route my drive to avoid the area, because I obsessed on it.

It was crazy making stuff.

Did I get over it? Yeah. Eventually you come to realize the futility of the whole thing. There's not a damn thing you can do about it, and it really does boil down to "Do I love this person?" If you do (which hopefully you should love your wife...ya know?) you need to find a way to put that nonsense out of your mind. She is who she is, and what happened is what happened. Unless you're some sort of genius quantum-physicist about the perfect a time machine - this whole thing can *not* be resolved if you keep thinking about it the way you are.

*THAT*, at least for me, was the way to resolve it and move on.

Good luck to ya man.

 

[jminnesota]

dont worry to much about the past. cant control what happen. we are human and sometimes things happen. whatever her sex life was before she married you is the past. hopefully the love you have will keep growing and you will feel safe and know she is with you and dont plan on being with anyone other then you.

 

[jminnesota]

i was lucky i found a virgin like myself and so it was nice. but if my wife would of not been a virgin i would still love her and marry her and love her like i do today. the past is the past

 

[Shane R]

2 When the Lord first spoke through Hose′a, the Lord said to Hose′a, “Go, take to yourself a wife of harlotry and have children of harlotry, for the land commits great harlotry by forsaking the Lord.” 3 So he went and took Gomer the daughter of Dibla′im, and she conceived and bore him a son. (Hosea 1:2-3)

3 And the Lord said to me, “Go again, love a woman who is beloved of a paramour and is an adulteress; even as the Lord loves the people of Israel, though they turn to other gods and love cakes of raisins.” 2 So I bought her for fifteen shekels of silver and a homer and a lethech of barley. 3 And I said to her, “You must dwell as mine for many days; you shall not play the harlot, or belong to another man; so will I also be to you.” (Hosea 3:1-3)

Have you ever read the Song of Songs together? Find a Bible which clearly identifies the male and female parts and try it. Also remember what God instructed Hosea to do: forgive - an allegory for God's forgiveness of our spiritual harlotry.

 

[Passionate Chicken]

Bit late isn't it?
You knew prior to asking her to marry you who she was in her past.
But who were you?
Were you unblemished? Who are you now that you're obsessing on what didn't concern you before you entered into relationship with her?

Judge not.
If you can't get past this she deserves better.

 

[naphi]

Thank you all for your comments.

I think the answer lies in PRAYER according to most of the comments. At least i feel better that there are some people who are able to relate to my predicament.

I have tried praying on my own and have never tried praying about our situation together. I believe that if we try, maybe we might get some answers from God as this is killing us both.

Thank you all so much and God bless.

ce

 

[DZoolander]

I am in a similar situation myself.
I have been married to my husband for 10 years now. When we got married, he asked me how many partners i have been with, which is 3 counting with him. He has a child with another woman and has had sexual relations with a number of girls maybe 10? But he wanted to know my sexual details with them and i lied on some of the details. Later when he found out he was so angry about. I understand and feel that he had a right to get angry. I feel sorry that i had pre-marital sex, maybe one too many with the guys i was in a relationship with. I would have been happy to provide my husband with the gift of virginity, and i love him so much. We have 2 beautiful children.
He is so obsessed with the past sexual history that it is affecting our relationship. I want to help him understand because it feels like he thinks the others before him were better - but honestly they werent. i have had the most memorable times with him - i have never loved anyone as i love him.
but even if i tell him that he doesnt believe me becuase i lied at the begining on the details.
Now he says that if i really loved him then i could give him the gift of him going around and sleeping with other women so that he can atleast be on equal ground - with the frequency and not the number of partners.
I feel so torn, and miserable. it feels like i have to get my punishment for my past. I also want to let him have his way but am sure he will not find what he is looking for from that.
But i think because he wants that so much, i am more than ready to let him. but am sure i will be miserable with that. and am sure our relationship will not be the same again?
Being a catholic, I sometimes wonder if maybe he is staying with me because he is bound? He says he doesn’t want to lose me, but it is complicated.
Please i need some suggestions. Am not sure he can go to therapy though we have discussed that.
thank you

ce

Wait a second here,

You've been with 3 guys...he's been with 10...and he's asking you for permission to go around and bang other girls to get on equal footing with you?

How exactly does the math work on that?

 

[naphi]

What happened was i had had long term relationships with those 2 other guys.
And that being the case, have had more frequency of sex with those guys - than a guy who would jump from one girl to another
So it is counting the frequency not the numbers.

ce

 

[If Not For Grace]

If I was HER it would bother me that a man could not live up to his vows to Love, honor and CHERISH me because of something I did as a kid, and that I was honest with him about-I'd send you to a therapist to deal with Your issues.

 

[DZoolander]

What happened was i had had long term relationships with those 2 other guys.
And that being the case, have had more frequency of sex with those guys - than a guy who would jump from one girl to another
So it is counting the frequency not the numbers.

ce

That's one of the most preposterous things I've ever heard.

So, he bangs around with FIVE TIMES the number of people you've been with void of commitment, and you've been with a couple of long term people (obviously committed relationships) - and by virtue of that he's bothered by the disparity in simple number of times you've had sex? He's bothered to the point that he seriously suggests you ought to allow him to step out on the marriage in order to "catch up"?

Sounds like you're married to a winner.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

I am in a similar situation myself.
I have been married to my husband for 10 years now. When we got married, he asked me how many partners i have been with, which is 3 counting with him. He has a child with another woman and has had sexual relations with a number of girls maybe 10? But he wanted to know my sexual details with them and i lied on some of the details. Later when he found out he was so angry about. I understand and feel that he had a right to get angry. I feel sorry that i had pre-marital sex, maybe one too many with the guys i was in a relationship with. I would have been happy to provide my husband with the gift of virginity, and i love him so much. We have 2 beautiful children.
He is so obsessed with the past sexual history that it is affecting our relationship. I want to help him understand because it feels like he thinks the others before him were better - but honestly they werent. i have had the most memorable times with him - i have never loved anyone as i love him.
but even if i tell him that he doesnt believe me becuase i lied at the begining on the details.
Now he says that if i really loved him then i could give him the gift of him going around and sleeping with other women so that he can atleast be on equal ground - with the frequency and not the number of partners.
I feel so torn, and miserable. it feels like i have to get my punishment for my past. I also want to let him have his way but am sure he will not find what he is looking for from that.
But i think because he wants that so much, i am more than ready to let him. but am sure i will be miserable with that. and am sure our relationship will not be the same again?
Being a catholic, I sometimes wonder if maybe he is staying with me because he is bound? He says he doesn’t want to lose me, but it is complicated.
Please i need some suggestions. Am not sure he can go to therapy though we have discussed that.
thank you

ce

He wants to have an affair and he's just trying to justify it. Obviously his commitment to you and the marriage is pretty much non existent and your history provides a convenient, though absolutely flimsy and ridiculous, excuse. If you let him go have affairs, he will leave, sooner or later and by the sounds of it, his foot is already out the door. And it has nothing to do with you getting punishment for your past and everything to do with your husband asking for your blessing to go out and have sex with other women.

I mean, lets run this through the reality filter for a second... There's no way you could know how many times you had sex with your previous partners... So is he going to guesstimate what the amount is? Is he going to just do it until amends are made? How will he track and be accountable for it? Is he going to carry around a card like you carry when you buy coffee and have women just give him a punch when he has sex, so that you guys can verify when the amount that he feels appropriate was reached? Does this mean that you're allowed to have indiscriminate sex with 7 other people to "catch up" to his number of people? Fair is fair, right? And how will he handle things like the potential for STD's, the time away from the family while he seeks out women to sleep with, or the potential of pregnancy? If you allow him to do this, ask yourself if you're OK with the idea that your husband could bring home anything from mono to herpes or worse, and ask yourself if you'd be OK with raising another woman's child with your husband and watching 20% of your husband's income go out the door to care for the child because he needed to "settle the score." Ask yourself if you're ready for the day when he says he found somebody he likes more then you, so he's out the door.

Yes, you lied. No excuse, you shouldn't have done it, but an open marriage as a result? Not a normal penalty for that kind of lie. I'd put my foot down and say if he steps out on you, he steps out on the marriage and it's his actions that cause it, not yours. Then, therapy and counseling. Something isn't right with how he thinks marriage should function.

 

[Mikeb85]

Another thing that triggers the thoughts is that she's not "in the mood" very often, and when she turns me down when I want to have sex.. I think, maybe she's not as excited about sex because it's not as new to her, and she has already been sexually active for 7 years before we were married.

Talk to her about this. Not her past (don't mention it at all - it's a mood-killer), but when she isn't in the mood, ask if there's something you can do to get her into the mood. Maybe she enjoys something specifically that might get her into the mood. Ask her where you fall short, try not to be embarassed or upset about it, and try to improve. It's a learning process, and sex gets better when you and your partner are in tune with each other.

I know with myself and my wife, we both have different ideas of what is romantic, sexy, etc..., so we talk about what we enjoy. Also, make time for it. Take her out for dinner, or set aside a night to cook dinner together, or simply make plans to have time that's only for each other, and nothing else.

Also, understand that sometimes women just aren't into it, for reasons unrelated to you. I know sometimes I'm not in the mood, for reasons that have nothing to do with my wife (stress, work, physical tiredness, etc...).

It really hurts to think that a lot of other guys had sex with my wife, and especially that I wasn't her first. It feels like I missed out on something really important and intimate.

My wife and I were each other's firsts (something which surprises me still), and the first time wasn't particularly good. It's much better now, after many years. And keeps getting better.

Then the wheels in my head start turning, and I think about other guys enjoying the pleasure that only I should enjoy with my wife. I start to wonder what things she did with her past partners, and well I'm sure you get the picture. She also lived with one of her boyfriends for like a year and half. I'm not even sure if I have had sex with her as many times as she has had sex with other guys. I know that sounds stupid, and honestly I'm not trying to compete, it's just one of the many thoughts that go through my mind. She also has said she doesn't like condoms (she just uses birth control).. which makes it even worse because then I start thinking of the guys that had sex with her without a condom.

I have talked to my wife about how I feel, and she basically says she is sorry and wishes she could take it back. When I'm feeling really down because of these thoughts, I feel like I can't tell her why I'm so depressed because I have already told her it bothers me and I don't feel that it's right to keep throwing it in her face since it's in the past and there's nothing she can do.

Usually I just force these bad thoughts out of my mind as soon as they start, and that works sometimes.. but I guess I'm wondering if there is anyway to actually heal this pain for good? Now my wife is ready to have kids.. and I want kids too, but I just don't feel like having kids when these thoughts plague my mind.

Is there anyone else going through the same thing as I am?

Here's another way to think about things. Despite the fact that she has been with other men, she chose you. She's still with you, so odds are there's a reason for it. Accept it. If she didn't enjoy you, or want to be with you, she wouldn't be, as she already knows what's out there.

It's much better than a girl who's only ever been with 1 guy, unhappy with her husband, not knowing how good she has it - thinking the grass is greener on the other side, when it isn't.

Sometimes experience is a good thing. In matters of love as well as in life.

Anyhow, you can't change the past, you can only change the future. And from my experience, the older you get, the longer you are together with your wife, the better things get

 

[Green Scottie]

My wife and I didn't find God and get baptized till we were 35 (long after we were married). Let's just say we both had a past when we got married.

In all honesty, there have been times when I've been jealous of the men she knew before we married. And then I say to myself "so what?" She married me, not them; she spent a lifetime with me, not them.

Your wife regrets her past. The fact is, I regret mine (as does my wife). But, it is what it is. You can't change the past, you can only move toward the future.

If she has asked for forgiveness and God has forgiven her, then what is preventing you from forgiving and accepting her? If God has washed her clean of her past, why can't you accept God's work in her?

Get over it. I know from personal experience you can.

Another thing that triggers the thoughts is that she's not "in the mood" very often, and when she turns me down when I want to have sex.. I think, maybe she's not as excited about sex because...

All I can say is: welcome to the club buddy!

Men would have sex every day (both in the morning and the evening, with an occasional nooner for good measure).

99% of the women that read the above line are thinking "I'd shoot my husband first."

Men and women have differing sex drives. Plus, men and women usually want to have sex for different reasons. For men, sex is a much more physical experience; for women it's much more emotional (I'm generalizing here, every individual is of course different).

The point I'm making is your wife's being less interested in sex than you probably has nothing to do with the physical things she has done in the past with other men (absolutely nothing), and everything to do with the emotional interaction she is having with you--today.

 

[Mikeb85]

All I can say is: welcome to the club buddy!

Men would have sex every day (both in the morning and the evening, with an occasional nooner for good measure).

99% of the women that read the above line are thinking "I'd shoot my husband first."

Men and women have differing sex drives. Plus, men and women usually want to have sex for different reasons. For men, sex is a much more physical experience; for women it's much more emotional (I'm generalizing here, every individual is of course different).

Plenty of women enjoy sex and like to have lots of it... Getting each other in the mood has alot to do with making plenty of time for each other, and spending quality time free from distractions.