Haunted by my wife's sexual past..

James519

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So my wife and I have been married for 3 years now. I first met her when I was 12 or 13, and I had a crush on her, but nothing happened. Then later in life we met again and started dating. It was a dream come true.

She was my first - I was a virgin when we got married. She wasn't a virgin. She was completely honest with me, and told me the number of partners she'd been with in the past. She started having sex when she was 13 (around the time when I first met her), and she married me when she was 20. I love her, so at the time it didn't bother me too much. I know that her past is her past, and we weren't together back then.

Anyway, after we got married it really started to bother me. Not every day, probably a few times a month, something would trigger these bad thoughts. It could be something random on TV, or just a passing thought. Another thing that triggers the thoughts is that she's not "in the mood" very often, and when she turns me down when I want to have sex.. I think, maybe she's not as excited about sex because it's not as new to her, and she has already been sexually active for 7 years before we were married.

It really hurts to think that a lot of other guys had sex with my wife, and especially that I wasn't her first. It feels like I missed out on something really important and intimate. Then the wheels in my head start turning, and I think about other guys enjoying the pleasure that only I should enjoy with my wife. I start to wonder what things she did with her past partners, and well I'm sure you get the picture. She also lived with one of her boyfriends for like a year and half. I'm not even sure if I have had sex with her as many times as she has had sex with other guys. I know that sounds stupid, and honestly I'm not trying to compete, it's just one of the many thoughts that go through my mind. She also has said she doesn't like condoms (she just uses birth control).. which makes it even worse because then I start thinking of the guys that had sex with her without a condom.

I have talked to my wife about how I feel, and she basically says she is sorry and wishes she could take it back. When I'm feeling really down because of these thoughts, I feel like I can't tell her why I'm so depressed because I have already told her it bothers me and I don't feel that it's right to keep throwing it in her face since it's in the past and there's nothing she can do.

Usually I just force these bad thoughts out of my mind as soon as they start, and that works sometimes.. but I guess I'm wondering if there is anyway to actually heal this pain for good? Now my wife is ready to have kids.. and I want kids too, but I just don't feel like having kids when these thoughts plague my mind.

Is there anyone else going through the same thing as I am? :(
 

xDenax

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I'd say you need to quit letting your mind wander on this manner. It's done, it's over. Move on before you drive yourself totally crazy. Yes, there was a time when I thought about such things but I've learned not to be bothered. My husband is with me now, he's been with me much longer than anyone else, he loves me and I am his wife, nobody else.
 
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chingchang

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So my wife and I have been married for 3 years now. I first met her when I was 12 or 13, and I had a crush on her, but nothing happened. Then later in life we met again and started dating. It was a dream come true.

She was my first - I was a virgin when we got married. She wasn't a virgin. She was completely honest with me, and told me the number of partners she'd been with in the past. She started having sex when she was 13 (around the time when I first met her), and she married me when she was 20. I love her, so at the time it didn't bother me too much. I know that her past is her past, and we weren't together back then.

Anyway, after we got married it really started to bother me. Not every day, probably a few times a month, something would trigger these bad thoughts. It could be something random on TV, or just a passing thought. Another thing that triggers the thoughts is that she's not "in the mood" very often, and when she turns me down when I want to have sex.. I think, maybe she's not as excited about sex because it's not as new to her, and she has already been sexually active for 7 years before we were married.

It really hurts to think that a lot of other guys had sex with my wife, and especially that I wasn't her first. It feels like I missed out on something really important and intimate. Then the wheels in my head start turning, and I think about other guys enjoying the pleasure that only I should enjoy with my wife. I start to wonder what things she did with her past partners, and well I'm sure you get the picture. She also lived with one of her boyfriends for like a year and half. I'm not even sure if I have had sex with her as many times as she has had sex with other guys. I know that sounds stupid, and honestly I'm not trying to compete, it's just one of the many thoughts that go through my mind. She also has said she doesn't like condoms (she just uses birth control).. which makes it even worse because then I start thinking of the guys that had sex with her without a condom.

I have talked to my wife about how I feel, and she basically says she is sorry and wishes she could take it back. When I'm feeling really down because of these thoughts, I feel like I can't tell her why I'm so depressed because I have already told her it bothers me and I don't feel that it's right to keep throwing it in her face since it's in the past and there's nothing she can do.

Usually I just force these bad thoughts out of my mind as soon as they start, and that works sometimes.. but I guess I'm wondering if there is anyway to actually heal this pain for good? Now my wife is ready to have kids.. and I want kids too, but I just don't feel like having kids when these thoughts plague my mind.

Is there anyone else going through the same thing as I am? :(

A couple thoughts:

1. She may not be "in the mood" because of the BCP. Most (not all) women on BCP experience a loss of libido with time. Scientific data strongly supports that.

2. Talk with her about sex. Ask her if there is anything you can do differently to please her...or if there is something she would like to do but has been hesitant to ask you.

3. Move on from the negative thoughts. They aren't doing you any good...discard them. BTW...she knew you were a virgin when you married...I don't think your lack of sexual experience is a "turn-off" to her.

4. If there are problems with #1, #2 or #3 above...talk to a licensed sex therapist with your wife.

Good luck! Marriage is a constant battle...
CC
 
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Niffer

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Hi James,
I can understand what you're feeling, not because I've been in your shoes, but my husband has been.
It's a little different, as I never had intercourse until I was married, but there is still other, uh, things that could be done instead.

Remi, (my dh) had never even dated a girl before me, never even kissed, much less had sex, and we started dating when he was 23.
Thats a long time for a guy to be that single and without experiences, I was very surprised when I learned how, well, Innocent he was.

And after the surprise wore off, all I could feel was guilt. Big, heavy, weight-on-my shoulders guilt about having messed around with guys before marrying my hubby.
Of course, I apologized, and though he never made me feel guilty, I knew it hurt him a little.

And when he would bring it up, I couldn't even compare my relationship with other guys to that of my husband.
Yes, I had kissed _____, but it was no longer even comparable to the love and desire I have for my husband and how different it was.

It's hard to see the difference, I know.
I get it.
But the odds are your wife is probably carrying around the guilt of being the "sinner" while married to the "saint" who never did anything sexually compromising.

You need to take assurance in her love for you, she married you. She chose to be with you out of everyone in the world because of her love for you.
She could have been with someone else, but chose you!
Yes, you were the wiser one to keep yourself for marriage, that can't be argued. But she shouldn't have to keep continually paying for her sins, by having the man she loves most in the world act cold and depressed because she was in a relationship 7 years ago.

Let it go, and live in the love that you have for each other.
Clearly you're crazy in love with her, or you wouldn't be jealous.
But love isn't supposed to be full of jealousy, remember?

Accept her for who she is, and allow yourself to move past the hurt.

Praying for you James.

- Niffer
 
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dayhiker

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Hi James,
Welcome to CF.
Lots of good things said above. Please get back to us about what helps you and how your doing.

There are a few models of how emotions work. One that I like is that emotions tells us how we are judging things in our life. This would tell us that your judging your wife for what she did when she was young and before making a commitment to you. I think you need to change the way you judge her. Both because its not healthy for you as others have said. But its also not healthy for her. She knows from your emotions that your judging her. This will turn a woman off, ie her sexual desire for you.

When this type thing happens to me I look for another way to view it. So I've view those sexual acts of her's as between her and God. God can use all things for the good. So I'd look at her activities as she had learned somethings and welcome her to teach me. Not that I'd be asking her how she learned them in your situation. Or maybe you can figure out an other point of view that will get you to judge her differently and so your emotions will change.
 
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James519

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Hi Niffer,

Thank you so much for your reply, it really helps to hear from someone who has been in a similar situation. You know, you are right, if I keep telling myself that she chose me, she wants to have a family with me, etc, then it does make me feel better. I'm actually starting to wonder if this would be as big of an issue for me if my wife showed her love for me more often. Right now i feel like the only way i feel loved is through sex (other things make me feel loved, don't get me wrong, she just doesn't do them), and maybe thats why it hurts more and doesnt help with not thinking bad thoughts. I'm not sure. Maybe that makes me insecure. We have talked about love languages and showing love to each other but it always gets forgotten after a couple days, and if I keep bringing it up it's not the same.. Maybe I'm searching for a closer intimacy, rather than the need for her to show her love for me, or maybe both. To be honest I'm not sure.

Since you are a wife, do you have any tips for me?
 
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Niffer

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Hi Niffer,

Thank you so much for your reply, it really helps to hear from someone who has been in a similar situation. You know, you are right, if I keep telling myself that she chose me, she wants to have a family with me, etc, then it does make me feel better. I'm actually starting to wonder if this would be as big of an issue for me if my wife showed her love for me more often. Right now i feel like the only way i feel loved is through sex (other things make me feel loved, don't get me wrong, she just doesn't do them), and maybe thats why it hurts more and doesnt help with not thinking bad thoughts. I'm not sure. Maybe that makes me insecure. We have talked about love languages and showing love to each other but it always gets forgotten after a couple days, and if I keep bringing it up it's not the same.. Maybe I'm searching for a closer intimacy, rather than the need for her to show her love for me, or maybe both. To be honest I'm not sure.

Since you are a wife, do you have any tips for me?

Hi again James,
I'm really glad I was able to help a little.
And boy, you and your wife are alot like Remi and I.
I have a higher sex-drive then my hubby and he's told me the same thing you're saying here, about mostly feeling love through sex, when cuddling and being close is what he really needs at the moment.
The only advice I can really give you, is that romance begins in the kitchen.
Women respond well to helpful husbands.
If you want romantic gestures back, then you have to give them! It's the golden rule, really.
Telling her she's beautiful or made a great dinner or just any way to show your appreciation of her, is sure to get a nice, warm positive response.

But, you've also got to think about how she might be feeling if she is feeling guilty about you being so upset for her past mistakes.

I wish I could give your wife advice, as I came from the same spot she's in.
But really, all Remi had to do was tell me he loved me for who I am, what I did in the past doesn't matter, and that he's excited to have a future with me.

A little love goes a long way. ;)

- Peace,
Niffer
 
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dallasapple

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Well think about how it works with TWO non virgins and multiple previous partners each?

You have to go with here and now..This is today.Not yesterday.

I would be more concerned TBH with the "only way you feel loved is through sex..and the "dont get me wrong other things do but she just doesnt do them"

Which one is it? Because right there you said two different things.

Love

Dallas
 
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shinbits

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So my wife and I have been married for 3 years now. I first met her when I was 12 or 13, and I had a crush on her, but nothing happened. Then later in life we met again and started dating. It was a dream come true.

She was my first - I was a virgin when we got married. She wasn't a virgin. She was completely honest with me, and told me the number of partners she'd been with in the past. She started having sex when she was 13 (around the time when I first met her), and she married me when she was 20. I love her, so at the time it didn't bother me too much. I know that her past is her past, and we weren't together back then.

Anyway, after we got married it really started to bother me. Not every day, probably a few times a month, something would trigger these bad thoughts. It could be something random on TV, or just a passing thought. Another thing that triggers the thoughts is that she's not "in the mood" very often, and when she turns me down when I want to have sex.. I think, maybe she's not as excited about sex because it's not as new to her, and she has already been sexually active for 7 years before we were married.

It really hurts to think that a lot of other guys had sex with my wife, and especially that I wasn't her first. It feels like I missed out on something really important and intimate. Then the wheels in my head start turning, and I think about other guys enjoying the pleasure that only I should enjoy with my wife. I start to wonder what things she did with her past partners, and well I'm sure you get the picture. She also lived with one of her boyfriends for like a year and half. I'm not even sure if I have had sex with her as many times as she has had sex with other guys. I know that sounds stupid, and honestly I'm not trying to compete, it's just one of the many thoughts that go through my mind. She also has said she doesn't like condoms (she just uses birth control).. which makes it even worse because then I start thinking of the guys that had sex with her without a condom.

I have talked to my wife about how I feel, and she basically says she is sorry and wishes she could take it back. When I'm feeling really down because of these thoughts, I feel like I can't tell her why I'm so depressed because I have already told her it bothers me and I don't feel that it's right to keep throwing it in her face since it's in the past and there's nothing she can do.

Usually I just force these bad thoughts out of my mind as soon as they start, and that works sometimes.. but I guess I'm wondering if there is anyway to actually heal this pain for good? Now my wife is ready to have kids.. and I want kids too, but I just don't feel like having kids when these thoughts plague my mind.

Is there anyone else going through the same thing as I am? :(
It seems to me that your some of your issues stem from insecurity about your sex life.

I was a virgin when I got married, my wife wasn't; prior to getting married, as well as after, I did a LOT of research on sex, and asked people everywhere for advice and sex tips. My wife's told me that she's experienced things that she never experienced with any other man. This was encouraging to me, and rarely ever think about my wife with anyone else, because we have a great sex life. Being new to sex, maybe you could do the same.

This may not cure your issues 100 percent, I know that. But trust me, It'll help big time to at least know that your wife enjoys sex with you too much to think about anyone else. I recommend a site called The Marriage Bed.com.

Peace.
 
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heart of peace

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Well it sounds like there are some things that need to be dealt with still from the past. You mentioned that she didn't use protection from STD's in the past (no condoms) which means you are at risk for an STD. It is important to get yourself checked out to be sure that you have a clean bill of health.

While it is "in her past" you are her present and her future. Part of becoming one unit is being able to understand where one another has been in their past to better understand where they are now. Your feelings are valid and I think we tend to "dismiss" our feelings too often. However, I think the healthiest thing you could do at this point is to express your feelings to a therapist who can help you make sense of them. Your wife will only feel defensive, which will break down the trust between you two.

Also, I do believe that what you are experiencing is a grieving process. My spouse and I grieved tremendously after we found each other and fell in love. It wasn't until that point that we realized we truly missed out in not being able to share the gift of our first sexual experience with one another. It is a loss and it sounds like you are feeling the impact of that. I definitely think therapy or counseling would be a great help for you.
 
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Hipsterz

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If this was such a big deal to you why did you go through with it? Marrying someone you will hold a grudge against for something they did before you married them seems counter intuitive.

I understand the desire for a pure wife, but I don't understand buyer's remorse after getting what you expected. If she had lied to you then you would have a legitimate reason to resent her. As it is you knew she probably had sex with lots of guys without condoms. That would be a deal breaker for some people. You married her anyways. You need to step up and stop whining about this.
 
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ImperialPhantom

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If this was such a big deal to you why did you go through with it? Marrying someone you will hold a grudge against for something they did before you married them seems counter intuitive.

I understand the desire for a pure wife, but I don't understand buyer's remorse after getting what you expected. If she had lied to you then you would have a legitimate reason to resent her. As it is you knew she probably had sex with lots of guys without condoms. That would be a deal breaker for some people. You married her anyways. You need to step up and stop whining about this.

:thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup:
 
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Edouard

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James,

I am in the position of your wife in the regards of the past. My wife is like you a virgin when married to me. Women are on a different plane of thought when it comes to sex. They have to be in the right mood or feel loved and secure. They want us to continue you to show them the love and care we had with them when we were dating. They want to still feel special. They dont want to feel that now I am married to you we have sex all the time or whenever.

Niffer awesome advice.

Something to consider, as much as you feel pain or dwell on her past, think of how much it hurts her to think how it affects you. If you allow this to fester and grow inside of you it will divide you. Pray with her. My past affects me in the aspect of, whe I get mad or frustrated in my human fraility I begin to think what if....The first thing I do is Pray, right then and there...God remove these thoughts from me.

It hurt her more than it has you..
sex is the intimacy or result of the relationship..timing is everything.
for example...my wife could feel totally ready to have intercourse, then she gets a phone call or something and it makes her all tense and her mood changes...forget it.

women are complicated.

Edouard...
 
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CuddlyBear

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While it is "in her past" you are her present and her future. Part of becoming one unit is being able to understand where one another has been in their past to better understand where they are now. Your feelings are valid and I think we tend to "dismiss" our feelings too often. However, I think the healthiest thing you could do at this point is to express your feelings to a therapist who can help you make sense of them. Your wife will only feel defensive, which will break down the trust between you two.

Also, I do believe that what you are experiencing is a grieving process. My spouse and I grieved tremendously after we found each other and fell in love. It wasn't until that point that we realized we truly missed out in not being able to share the gift of our first sexual experience with one another. It is a loss and it sounds like you are feeling the impact of that. I definitely think therapy or counseling would be a great help for you.

I agree with this. Your feelings are valid and need to be acknowledged and worked through. Yes, you knew about this when you got married but after experiencing sexual relations after your marriage, or for some other reason down the track, things that didn't bother us can come up and need to be worked through. A therapist may be a good place to go to talk.
 
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So my wife and I have been married for 3 years now. I first met her when I was 12 or 13, and I had a crush on her, but nothing happened. Then later in life we met again and started dating. It was a dream come true.

She was my first - I was a virgin when we got married. She wasn't a virgin. She was completely honest with me, and told me the number of partners she'd been with in the past. She started having sex when she was 13 (around the time when I first met her), and she married me when she was 20. I love her, so at the time it didn't bother me too much. I know that her past is her past, and we weren't together back then.

Anyway, after we got married it really started to bother me. Not every day, probably a few times a month, something would trigger these bad thoughts. It could be something random on TV, or just a passing thought. Another thing that triggers the thoughts is that she's not "in the mood" very often, and when she turns me down when I want to have sex.. I think, maybe she's not as excited about sex because it's not as new to her, and she has already been sexually active for 7 years before we were married.

It really hurts to think that a lot of other guys had sex with my wife, and especially that I wasn't her first. It feels like I missed out on something really important and intimate. Then the wheels in my head start turning, and I think about other guys enjoying the pleasure that only I should enjoy with my wife. I start to wonder what things she did with her past partners, and well I'm sure you get the picture. She also lived with one of her boyfriends for like a year and half. I'm not even sure if I have had sex with her as many times as she has had sex with other guys. I know that sounds stupid, and honestly I'm not trying to compete, it's just one of the many thoughts that go through my mind. She also has said she doesn't like condoms (she just uses birth control).. which makes it even worse because then I start thinking of the guys that had sex with her without a condom.

I have talked to my wife about how I feel, and she basically says she is sorry and wishes she could take it back. When I'm feeling really down because of these thoughts, I feel like I can't tell her why I'm so depressed because I have already told her it bothers me and I don't feel that it's right to keep throwing it in her face since it's in the past and there's nothing she can do.

Usually I just force these bad thoughts out of my mind as soon as they start, and that works sometimes.. but I guess I'm wondering if there is anyway to actually heal this pain for good? Now my wife is ready to have kids.. and I want kids too, but I just don't feel like having kids when these thoughts plague my mind.

Is there anyone else going through the same thing as I am? :(

I would say this is the reason you are upset. If she does not deal with this issue it could lead to divorce. Especially if she was a freak in the sheets with ex's and now you get the cold fish, that never goes over well.
 
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I’m not married but will share my 2cents. I think you need to just forgive your wife. Pray to God that you are able to do so. Her past is her past and she was honest with you. If you don’t feel loved (other then when you make love) then maybe you need to let your wife know that. Some people are just not as affection as others. Just let her know “Honey it would be nice if every now and then you did (whatever you want) could be a hug, peck on the check whatever will make you feel loved by her.

If you wife is not in the mood for sex often then that is something you need to talk with her about.
 
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