Haunted by my wife's sexual past..

[If Not For Grace]

It feels like I missed out on something really important and intimate. Then the wheels in my head start turning, and I think about other guys enjoying the pleasure that only I should enjoy with my wife. I start to wonder what things she did with her past partners, and well I'm sure you get the picture.

Sounds to me like you are feeling a little lacking maybe in the "skills" department. (All the comparisons, etc) and MAYBE you are. If she is more experienced why not ask her what pleases her and get her to "teach" you to do what it is She likes..also if you want her to enjoy going to bed with you - you will need to lose the attitude of "she's less than" because whe was HONEST with you. You had a hand in this and IF it mattered..IT SHOULD have mattered then and You should not have married her.

These are your issues..don't blame her..You are really being cruel to the woman you claim to love insinuating she's "unworthy" of you.

 

[kayus]

I know you are finding it hard to forgive and at the same time forget her past sins.

But remember that In Jesus Model prayer in Luke 11,He says in one of the points of prayer:
Forgive us our sins(debts) as we forgive those who sinned against us."

What does that mean?

It means you should be able to have grace to forgive those who offend us like God does forgive us.

How do God forgives?

He never looked back on her sins and used them to act against us. He throw our sins into the sea of forgetfulness.

That is what you need to do. But a carnal Christian can never do that.You need to grow in grace and knowledge of Jesus to be able to forgive and then forget your wife past.

God will give grace to the humble.

 

[jminnesota]

the past is the past in my view.

 

[Hetta]

Wait - why does he need to "forgive" her? He already knew her past, and that past was long over before she met him. She hasn't done him any wrong!

 

[Mikeb85]

Wait - why does he need to "forgive" her? He already knew her past, and that past was long over before she met him. She hasn't done him any wrong!

He doesn't. He needs to man up and realize that she's with him for a reason.

 

[ImperialPhantom]

Spouses don't need to forgive each other for their sexual pasts, because they have nothing to forgive. The spouses didn't sin against each other, unless one cheated on the other. Forgiveness is God's job. The purity cult needs to die a long slow painful death.

 

[tim42358]

I am a newbee here and find that our sexual past is forgiven if we are believers. I was very sexually active as a teen and college student. My wife was not. We met in college and it has been a great 32 years of growing and striving together. I think it is important to have very open communication. If you dwell on the past sins of your partner then maybe you have motives that need to be found and dealt with. I was/am always open about my sexual past and never compare that with our life together. I am with the one that I want to be with now! She is my desire and always will be as long as we both shall live! This is my choice and it is a life long commitment. This is the Biblical attitude to take. My sin is forgiven....past....present and future. How can my future sin be already forgiven. Wasn't all our sin future when Jesus died for my sin. Live as a citizen of Heaven. Love Him because He loves you. Not...love Him so that He will love you. That is living under the law... :^)

 

[Hetta]

I am a newbee here and find that our sexual past is forgiven if we are believers.

Forgiveness from God is one thing. The other poster suggested that there was a need for the husband to "forgive" his wife for her sexual behavior before she met him. I don't agree with that. She didn't sin against him. Therefore he doesn't need to forgive her her sins. That's between her and God.

 

[Audiomechanic]

Forgiveness from God is one thing. The other poster suggested that there was a need for the husband to "forgive" his wife for her sexual behavior before she met him. I don't agree with that. She didn't sin against him. Therefore he doesn't need to forgive her her sins. That's between her and God.

I tend to agree. The issue James is dealing with is moreso that of insecurity than forgiveness. I was in a similar situation with one of my ex-girlfriends. I had been with 2 other girls at the point I met her, and she became my third. However, I was her 16th. 16. SIXTEEN. I obsessed, I dwelled, and I made her feel awful and guilty for a wrong she never committed against me. I never got over it either, which I know does not help James any. My wife was a virgin when we married, but she is my forth. She doesn't have a problem with it and I don't bring it up...ever.

I know the above doesn't help James, but there's is one little ray of hope I can bring: it does go away as you get older. In my early 20's, the number of sexual partners my partner had measured IMMENSELY in my mind. Silly or not, it did. it mattered. A lot. it just did! Heck, I'd even feel hurt watching one of those chic flick movies where the girl is the experienced one and the guy is the innocent one (instead of the usual plot of the guy being the philanderer). Now that I'm (almost) 30, that stuff just doesn't matter like it did. It's faded naturally. Does it still mean something to me? A little, but not nearly enough to be the obsession it once was.

I believe this all stems from insecurity.
- Am I better than those other guys?
- Am I special compared to those other guys, or am I just another 'number?'
- Am I exciting?
- Am I anything new? Anything she hasn't experienced before?

Etc etc etc. I obsessed like the best of them.

James: First: get into some counseling. It will help. And second, if you can work through this, it fades with age.

 

[MyStruggle]

As has been stated, he has no need to forgive her. SHe hasn't sinned against him, she has done what she chose to with her body. It doesn't matter if she had sex with one guy or one thousand, the OP chose to marry her and needs to accept that.
The OP is clearly jealous and insecure wondering if he is enough for her and whether he can pleasure her like the others she has had. There is only one way to resolve it; ask her what she enjoys in bed and let her know that she can be completely honest with you. We don't marry to judge the other party, we are there to support them and complete them.

 

[Audiomechanic]

I wouldn't say "there's only one way to resolve it..." The OP is unique as any of us and what works for one, may not work for another. In my case, giving my experience girlfriend at the time things she enjoys did nothing to stem my obsessing. In fact, it made it worse because in doing so, I felt a bit awkward due to doing something new and that in turn made me realize my own inadequacy compared to her experience.

James, a lot of the suggestions in this thread are good ones. Take what will benefit you and leave the rest. All the best to you and your wife and we all hope you are able to make it through this.