- Jul 22, 2017
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I feel like I am going crazy right now. I do not trust God. I do not trust his mercy. I do not trust him at all.
My mom died a year ago. She died with many unresolved issues. I know that she was imperfect. But I worry whether she made it in or not. I know that people gave me opinions about whether she made it in or not. So I am not going to ask about whether she made it or not. I am still worried about her and I can't seem to get peace. My brothers and sisters are no help whatsoever. They keep bringing up her sins and flaws. And it increases my anxiety. I am starting to hate my brothers and sisters with a passion. In fact, I am thinking of writing a letter to my oldest sister telling her to not call me. The truth of the matter is that I can't stand my siblings, even though both of our parents have died. And yes, it may be true that they may not like me too. But they want me to remain in their lives, not the other way around. My sister got upset with me when I told the doctor that I no longer have an emergency contact. She was not happy; and she demanded that I put her down. I do not want them in my life any more. Part of me wants to hurt them because they say bad things about mom. I loved mom. And she was imperfect. But so were we. And she had to deal with our baggage. But nobody ever thinks about that.
I would pray to God to have mercy on her soul. I know that is worthless. The Bible says that it is to become of men to die once and then the judgment. But I can't seem to help it. Sometimes I hate the fact that there is a hell. But I am human and have no right to question God. I don't see him as merciful. I see him as vengeful and wrathful. I am hoping he is merciful.
Anyways, I need prayer to stop hating my siblings so much. I am suffering with bitterness.
My mom died a year ago. She died with many unresolved issues. I know that she was imperfect. But I worry whether she made it in or not. I know that people gave me opinions about whether she made it in or not. So I am not going to ask about whether she made it or not. I am still worried about her and I can't seem to get peace. My brothers and sisters are no help whatsoever. They keep bringing up her sins and flaws. And it increases my anxiety. I am starting to hate my brothers and sisters with a passion. In fact, I am thinking of writing a letter to my oldest sister telling her to not call me. The truth of the matter is that I can't stand my siblings, even though both of our parents have died. And yes, it may be true that they may not like me too. But they want me to remain in their lives, not the other way around. My sister got upset with me when I told the doctor that I no longer have an emergency contact. She was not happy; and she demanded that I put her down. I do not want them in my life any more. Part of me wants to hurt them because they say bad things about mom. I loved mom. And she was imperfect. But so were we. And she had to deal with our baggage. But nobody ever thinks about that.
I would pray to God to have mercy on her soul. I know that is worthless. The Bible says that it is to become of men to die once and then the judgment. But I can't seem to help it. Sometimes I hate the fact that there is a hell. But I am human and have no right to question God. I don't see him as merciful. I see him as vengeful and wrathful. I am hoping he is merciful.
Anyways, I need prayer to stop hating my siblings so much. I am suffering with bitterness.