Happy with your social skills?

[Jenster]

OK, so my first attempt at posting this only served to gain me the white screen of death. So let's try this again!

I want to ask: Are you happy with your social skills? If so, why? and if not, why not?

Second and related: How much is it WORTH IT to you to have good social skills? And why?

Seems like there's two ends of the spectrum: (1) People who have good social skills (friendly, funny, warm) and get positive reinforcement for said skills. (2) Then there are people who are lesser skilled (not so confident, mildly expressive), who tend to get less positive reinforcement from other people.

I probably fall more toward the "lesser" end myself.

Sometimes I feel as though "social skills = ability to get what you want." And for that reason, I wish I had better skills. I think there's a certain power in having good social skills. What do you guys think of that idea -- agree or disagree? I don't mean power to manipulate people but to get positive reinforcement, or to make things happen, get people to help out, etc.

 

[plum]

I'm extremely pleased with my social skills. I tend to understand the social situation in which I find myself, can act accordingly, am sensitive to others, can communicate myself fairly clearly, and engage people in a warm friendly manner. I have my awkward points like anyone else (sometimes I babble or follow bunny trails when I talk ) but I am very happy with my communication and I'd love to improve on it.

Yes, I think there's a certain power in the ability to communicate clearly, effectively, and to sense the necessary words, tone, or silence needed in a situation in order to involve others and keep things smooth... I talk about it like it's a theory, but in a sense it is. Social situations can be figured out and addressed in a certain way. This is often an unconscious assessment and decision made by the individual. It takes observation, understanding, and the ability to censor yourself I lack full control of the latter.


Have you ever heard an extremely engaging speaker or preacher? In those situations it's easy to see how some people are more charismatic and engaging than others. Or when you meet your SO's parents for the first time... as much as I hate that it's true, first impressions make a difference. Social skills can certainly lend a hand in those situations.

 

[BoarderDave]

I want to ask: Are you happy with your social skills? If so, why? and if not, why not?

Second and related: How much is it WORTH IT to you to have good social skills? And why?

Personally, I hate my social skills.. or should I say the lack of social skills. I blame the fact that Ive never worked a job in which Im dealing with customers and such. I think it should be mandatory for everyone to have to work at least 6 months in a retail job. I still plan on working some retail shop or something. Being forced into dealing with people and being a friendly worker improves social skills. Im very shy and usually dont participate much in conversations. It sucks.. and I hate it. But it's a hard thing for me to get over. Im getting better.. but not nearly as good as I want it to be.

I think it's VERY worth it to have good social skills. It's always best to be able to speak with anyone and everyone and to be able to do it effectively. Like I said, I plan on putting some time into a part time retail job, just so I can get the social experience. All of my jobs have been behind the scenes of companies where I dont ever have to deal with anyone but employees. And although I enjoyed it (because Im shy) I REALLY think I missed a vital part of life.

So yes. Social skills are very important.. and I need them.

 

[Beautiful Fireball]

I'm pretty pleased with my social skills, I think they could probably be improved but that goes with anybody. Nobody has 100% perfect social skills.

My biggest problem is my shyness and that plays a lot into romantic things. I can usually get over it with a group of people and I have no problem jumping into a conversation. But when it comes to romantic relationships I am incredibly shy and often people have mistaken that for non-interest, when its just that I am too shy to show my interest. Its something that I really need to work on because it seems like that is the biggest reason why things have never worked out for me in that department.

 

[eugeneandbobo]

im fairly well gifted there...

i've never had a problem meeting people and making friends. i seem to get pulled in with almost any group im with...

just lucky i guess

 

[Jenster]

Yes, I think there's a certain power in the ability to communicate clearly, effectively, and to sense the necessary words, tone, or silence needed in a situation in order to involve others and keep things smooth... I talk about it like it's a theory, but in a sense it is. Social situations can be figured out and addressed in a certain way. This is often an unconscious assessment and decision made by the individual. It takes observation, understanding, and the ability to censor yourself I lack full control of the latter.

OK, this is good stuff, eirene. Mind if I pick your brain a little? I figure if there are people here with good skills, I'd like to learn a thing or two from ya. (And everyone else here with good social skills.)

So what kinds of things do you censor? And what goes into making a situation "smooth"? Is that knowing when to make a joke and when to listen intently, or are there other considerations?

When in a group, is there anything intentional that you do - such as try to address everyone individually at one point or another? What makes for a good/successful social interaction?

OK, I'll stop asking questions now.

 

[~HopeFloats~]

I think my social skills are ok and then usually I humbled when I realize they are not.

I have learned never to think I am great at anything as that is the time I will be humbled.. lol.

So yes I know I have a ways to go

 

[plum]

OK, this is good stuff, eirene. Mind if I pick your brain a little? I figure if there are people here with good skills, I'd like to learn a thing or two from ya. (And everyone else here with good social skills.)

So what kinds of things do you censor? And what goes into making a situation "smooth"? Is that knowing when to make a joke and when to listen intently, or are there other considerations?

When in a group, is there anything intentional that you do - such as try to address everyone individually at one point or another? What makes for a good/successful social interaction?

OK, I'll stop asking questions now.

Good questions. You're helping me look at my interactions with a more objective POV. I like the example you brought up of addressing people individually. It invites people into the group and allows more quiet people the chance to vocalize what they're thinking without the chatty extroverts (like me) stomping all over them and moving too quickly. Taking care of extroverts and introverts is a skill I'm working on more actively now. I don't want people to feel left out ust because they think before they speak

Censoring... One broad example of why this seems hard for people in our generation is that we don't have distinction between private conversations, public conversations, and intimate conversations. Some of the shock value in today's society and media is because what was once normally kept private is now loud, proud, and public.

I guess an example of that would be a discussion I was regretfully a part of at one girlfriend's birthday celebration this January. Her friend gave her a coffee table book about sex. They proceeded to ignore the obvious and even vocal discomfort of the other guests and started ogling the pictures, telling sex stories, and sharing tips on what they've enjoyed most. I was shocked at their behavior not just because I don't like to encourage premarital sex, but because that situation called for a completely different level of behavior, and they had no clue (or care) that they were offending and alienating multiple people.

That's one way I mean censoring... some things are not appropriate.

Another example of social skills... my ex is a great guy. He is brilliant and kind. However, he did not really pick up on social cues very well. For instance, when a topic of conversation had shifted to topic B and the group had moved on from A for quite a while, he would come in and say something on topic A without caring who he was interrupting or noticing that we were engaged elsewhere. It's hard to explain, but it made things pretty awkward sometimes. And he wasn't really in the conversation. He was crafting a way to impress us or draw attention to himself while completely missing what others were saying.

 

[LOVEthroughINTELLECT]

Sometimes I feel as though "social skills = ability to get what you want." And for that reason, I wish I had better skills. I think there's a certain power in having good social skills. What do you guys think of that idea -- agree or disagree?...

It dependends on what social skills one is talking about.

And it depends on exactly "what you want".

But I seriously doubt that any change in social skills is going to lead to much of a gain in most things that most people want.

I would gain a lot more from learning how to write a resume, how to manage money better, etc. than I would from learning better ways to have direct social intercourse with people.

The benefits of social skills are mostly intangible--such as getting more satisfaction from relationships--I would say.

 

[Luther073082]

I'm happy with my social skills with the exception of getting and closing dates with women.

Other then that most people seem to be under some kind of impression that I'm outgoing and extroverted. The truth is that I'm very introverted in a lot of ways. It put it bluntly, I fake being extroverted.

Or perhaps it is that I am a little bit of both?

 

[Spicy McHaggis]

The benefits of social skills are mostly intangible--such as getting more satisfaction from relationships--I would say.

well, I work with a lot of people who are smarter than me, and they couldn't do my job because they have trouble interacting with people.

I also got out of alot of pointless work in college by being the only person in the group who was willing to present in front of a class.

We can start to pick apart the semantics of "social skills", but my ability to interact with people where others either couldn't or wouldn't has really helped me career-wise.

 

[mina]

I think i work well with people and have the ability to listen really really well. But, i'm also really shy and don't know how to do the small talk awfully well. So in the social skills that matter, I stink.

 

[LadyOfMystery]

I'm up and down with my social skills. For me meeting is one thing, and talking is another. I'm okay with talking after I get comfortable I'm able to spit out some good sounding remark. I hate first meetings because I've had bad expierences with friends. I MEET people, lots of them, and I can never keep a hold of them. lol So I'm happy with my social skills to a certain extent (sp?), but keeping my skills up to keep friends is another thing.

 

[LOVEthroughINTELLECT]

well, I work with a lot of people who are smarter than me, and they couldn't do my job because they have trouble interacting with people...

Are we talking about having trouble networking, asking for a promotion, etc.--the skills needed to interact with employers--or are we talking about having trouble performing the duties of the job?

Let's assume that we are talking about the latter. And let's assume that they want the job.

Even if they were to no longer "have trouble interacting with people" and they therefore got the job that they want that does not prove that "social skills = ability to get what you want". It just means that certain social skills = one is qualified for certain jobs that he/she may want.

Like I said already, it depends on the social skills and it depends on "what you want".

But a categorical statement like "social skills = ability to get what you want" is not accurate, in my humble opinion.

One can have every social skill in the world but still not have the ability/power to get what he/she wants in an honest* manner.

And, with some exceptions, if a person does not have certain social skills that does not necessarily mean that he/she will not be able to get what he/she wants. We meet our needs/wants through countless ways besides direct social intercourse.


*Remember, the OP said that we are not talking about manipulating people.

I also got out of alot of pointless work in college by being the only person in the group who was willing to present in front of a class...

But we are talking about direct social intercourse, not presentations / public speaking.

We can start to pick apart the semantics of "social skills", but my ability to interact with people where others either couldn't or wouldn't has really helped me career-wise.

But that does not prove that "social skills = ability to get what you want".

 

[eugeneandbobo]

maybe i should start a "how to be beyond socially acceptable" school. i've got a lot of friends who need help.
(but they're not in the singles thread though)

 

[PeculiarTreasure]

I'm not happy with my social skills. I'm a very shy person and I hate it. I do believe it keeps me from doing stuff. I wish I could change but I don't know how.

 

[Luther073082]

Wow I'm surprised, a lot of shy people here. I'll tell you something I learned while I was a young adult at college was getting over my shyness to where no one even knows it ever existed within me. I'm not sure how it happened but I think I just got tired of it ruling me. I think maybe I just reached a point where I just decided that I wasn't going to be afraid of saying something or doing something stupid and so I have no difficulty talking to people. Like I said the only thing that gives me difficulty is asking a girl out.

I'm not happy with my social skills. I'm a very shy person and I hate it. I do believe it keeps me from doing stuff. I wish I could change but I don't know how.

You love to sing but are shy? So do you sing often in front of people? If you do I don't understand how you could be shy?? You are very cute, go find a guy thats alone and just start talking to him and get to know him. Make small talk about the weather and just go on from there. Ask him what he does for a living and about his life. Talk to him about God even! And if you can find things that you can relate on go deeper into them. Smile a lot! In that photo even you have just a very vague sense of a smile. I wanna see those pearly whites! Most girls are cuter when they are smiling then when they are keeping a straight face. I'm sorry let me amend that ALL girls are cuter when they are smiling. And you are cute without smiling so I'm sure you'll just blow him away when you do smile!

 

[Jenster]

Thanks for the tips, eirene! I see what you mean about the private vs. public conversations. Yeah, sometimes people have to be both aware and willing to censor themselves -- just because they're comfortable with the topic doesn't mean everyone else is.

I had a twinge of recognition when you talked about your ex! Some of us are not good at inserting ourselves into a conversation, so we miss the opportunity to say what we want to say when the topic is hot. (You never know when someone else is going to steer the conversation in another direction.) I've been in that situation all too many times. It leaves you with three choices: Say what you wanted to say for the satisfaction of having said it, even though others have moved on; or try vainly to bring the topic back with some sort of smooth transition (very difficult); or don't say anything at all and feel as though you missed an opportunity. Sigh.

Luther, I know someone like you -- he says he's introverted but he's very capable at faking extraversion. I said to him once, "I'm surprised you don't get exhausted doing that because I sure would be!"

I do think social skills keep things smooth (as eirene said), which just makes people more conducive to working together (as ikle mentioned) or helps relationships flourish.

Mina, yeah, there are some social skills that matter more than others. There are some skills that are good -- such as listening, which we are told over and over is important -- but there are other skills that seem to count more. A guy I dated some years ago told me that I had good listening skills but that he was looking for a person with other social skills. They're the qualities that lead people to approach you, seek you out, joke with you, etc. it's those skills I'm trying to put my finger on.

 

[Luther073082]

Luther, I know someone like you -- he says he's introverted but he's very capable at faking extraversion. I said to him once, "I'm surprised you don't get exhausted doing that because I sure would be!"

I'm fairly decent at acting. I used to act as a abusive husband in skits we created to show to middle schoolers and high schoolers for awarness purposes.

I'm the most non-violent person you know but we did our skit infront of women who have been abused and some of them had to leave the room and most where crying. They all said it was realistic.

 

[RefinedByFire]

I'm the type who can start a conversation with anyone. Just today, I just randomly started talking to someone at a red light, just because...

If anything, I have to put some effort NOT to talk to anyone.