Guys: What about compatibility?

[Blackguard_]

But my follow-up question to that would be: Do men think about compatibility at all, and if so, at what point? And how important is it?

No, not at all, I don't care if she's an annoying airhead or a pleasant PHD so long as she has a cute face and a 7/10 waist-to-hips ratio.

Do you find oafish jocks, rich men, and guys who wear black-leather jackets and smoke while absent-mindedly flipping a coin irrationally irresitably attractive?

(Two can play at this "take stereotypes to the extreme" game )

But seriously, looks does play a part in attraction, but there are physically pretty girls I'm not attracted to due to personality flaws/quirks/incompatabilities.

 

[Margim]

We've talked on this forum about how guys are visually oriented and they're all looking for a beautiful wife. Fine, I'll take that at face value.

But my follow-up question to that would be: Do men think about compatibility at all, and if so, at what point? And how important is it?

By compatibility I'm talking about values, personality, intelligence, humor, etc.

I mean, do men tend to choose someone based on looks and then "find the good qualities about her" after that?

Just wanting to get a clearer picture of how guys think. No offense whatsoever intended. Thanks!

Considering in just about every post on the matter I've said that physical attractiveness is one thing among many including emotional chemistry, common interests, intellectually on a similar plane and similar spiritual (not necessarily religious) values, then I'd say yes, I do consider those things important.

As for the 'when', yes guys are visiually oriented, but the physical attractiveness of a person (for me at least) gets put in some comparative context pretty quickly when I learn something of their personality. In otherwords, no, our entire lives are not governed by our hormones.

 

[IronWill]

We've talked on this forum about how guys are visually oriented and they're all looking for a beautiful wife. Fine, I'll take that at face value.

But my follow-up question to that would be: Do men think about compatibility at all, and if so, at what point? And how important is it?

By compatibility I'm talking about values, personality, intelligence, humor, etc.

I mean, do men tend to choose someone based on looks and then "find the good qualities about her" after that?

Just wanting to get a clearer picture of how guys think. No offense whatsoever intended. Thanks!

I think about compatibility a lot. A whole lot.

 

[Macrina]

My CC is attractive because we have a number of things in common.

CC? Pardon me if I'm being dense...

 

[kopilo]

The most important thing to me is if someone can care for me and love me as much as I do for them, if they are not equal in that regard, then all we would be doing is hurting each other.

The only things I care about physical appearance is those that relate to mentality and compatibility such as mannerism.

 

[AWorkInProgress]

We've talked on this forum about how guys are visually oriented and they're all looking for a beautiful wife. Fine, I'll take that at face value.

But my follow-up question to that would be: Do men think about compatibility at all, and if so, at what point? And how important is it?

By compatibility I'm talking about values, personality, intelligence, humor, etc.

I mean, do men tend to choose someone based on looks and then "find the good qualities about her" after that?

Just wanting to get a clearer picture of how guys think. No offense whatsoever intended. Thanks!

Maybe I am weird, but I rather marry my best friend over most beautiful woman.

Maybe I am just weird, but to me outward beauty is like an added bonus. Rather have a wife that loves, let alone put up with, me. Someone I can talk to and have fun time with.

What good is outter beauty when can't really connect with the soul? How long will that marriage last?

 

[IronWill]

Maybe I am weird, but I rather marry my best friend over most beautiful woman.

Maybe I am just weird, but to me outward beauty is like an added bonus. Rather have a wife that loves, let alone put up with, me. Someone I can talk to and have fun time with.

What good is outter beauty when can't really connect with the soul? How long will that marriage last?

Yeah, but outward beauty is what primarily attracts most folks to a person. Then the other issues come into play.

 

[Macrina]

Yeah, but outward beauty is what primarily attracts most folks to a person. Then the other issues come into play.

What I'm reading on this forum indicates that this is the case for most (all?) men and some women. And then there are women like me who form attractions the other way around. I think we've got one of those visually-oriented gender difference things going on here.

 

[Argent]

I think about compatibility a lot. A whole lot.

Bro, we need to have a long talk.

 

[IronWill]

Bro, we need to have a long talk.

LOL What are you trying to say?

 

[OhhJim]

I don't think TOTAL compatibility is all that important. Compatibility is a range, just like looks, or brains, or table manners. You can make one of those things seem really important by only examining extremes, but the truth is, there are lots of possibilities that never reach the extremes.

There are a few areas in which compatibility is important. There are many others in which it's not. For me, that is.

And, of course, throughout 90% of human history, compatibility wasn't even an issue in marriages. You know, those marriages that lasted the rest of one's life. Back in the good old days, when everything was better. But now, we know what's important in making a marriage last.

 

[Gardener101]

What I'm reading on this forum indicates that this is the case for most (all?) men and some women. And then there are women like me who form attractions the other way around. I think we've got one of those visually-oriented gender difference things going on here.

Macrina, my prediction for you is that the man you marry will be a man you are INSTANTLY physically attracted to.

Bear that in mind when the time comes.

Predictions like that, from me, are never wrong.

x

G101


PS:

[sign] Ohhjim said it best! [/sign]

 

[Macrina]

Macrina, my prediction for you is that the man you marry will be a man you are INSTANTLY physically attracted to.

Bear that in mind when the time comes.

Predictions like that, from me, are never wrong.

x

G101


PS:

[sign] Ohhjim said it best! [/sign]

I have nothing against instant physical attraction! If it happens that way, great.

But I won't close myself off to other possibilities.

Not even sure if I will get married, but if I do, I wouldn't be opposed to instant physical attraction. It would certainly make him stand out.

Although, here's a thought -- what if I meet a guy online? Then I might be physically attracted the first time we meet IRL, but I would still have gotten to know him a little bit first. So I wouldn't actually know, you know?

 

[Im_A]

We've talked on this forum about how guys are visually oriented and they're all looking for a beautiful wife. Fine, I'll take that at face value.

But my follow-up question to that would be: Do men think about compatibility at all, and if so, at what point? And how important is it?

By compatibility I'm talking about values, personality, intelligence, humor, etc.

I mean, do men tend to choose someone based on looks and then "find the good qualities about her" after that?

Just wanting to get a clearer picture of how guys think. No offense whatsoever intended. Thanks!

well for me, it's hard for me to say one pinpoint answer. tomorrow isn't here yet, so i really don't know if compatibility would be lost, and thus become another statistic. i'm too realistic to think i need perfect compatibility and i believe i will never know till the marriage vows are fulfilled and that is "till death do us part".

right now, as my fiancee and i are slowly but surely working out our problems, i am realizing there is more chemistry and compatibility between her and i. now she is the most beautiful/sexually attractive woman to me. i'm not ashamed that i talk her up and embarrass her to death and in terms of non-physical attraction, even though we have had our problems, i would want no one else but her, and our compatibility, chemistry and all that sappy stuff. i could never be with someone i'm not physically/sexually attracted to. it'd be sin if i was, because the physical things done would be done for the wrong reasons. but with that said, if there's some beautiful girl that we have no compatibility/chemistry she's another pointless girl for me to be involved with. because beauty only goes so far. if there's no relating to one another, chemistry, compatibility of some long standing foundation, then forget about it.

there's no way to know but to give it time, and that's the kicker to me. time goes on and we fall in love with someone more and more, and i wonder if compatibility gets stronger as time goes on.

so to end this, for me, it's very important, but it's not something i'm worrying over all the time. because i don't know tomorrow and i'm too realistic to think i need perfect compatibility right now, or a year or so from now, and i'd rather live in the here and now, and do my part and just grow with her. that's my goal as my fiancee and i are working out our relationship/problems.

 

[overit]

For me, that's really the first thing I'm looking for, how compatible we are/will be. How is her relationship with God? Where is she in ministry, where does she feel she's going? How's her personality in comparison to mine? Not looking for a eerily creepy clone, but do we connect? Do we think on the same wave length about 'simple' things/overall interests? What are her goals in comparison to mine ministorially, family/life wise, career-wise? Basically, what's important to her, what's her goals, ambition, dreams? What is God showing me, how can I be a blessing to her? Friendship or potential relationship? Do I line up with what she's looking for? How do I feel about her, do I feel peace when I'm around her, does she? These are some of the things that are going through my mind, spirit.

Sure, looks play into it, but to a degree. I'm not only thinking about how she looks. If it's something like an overweight issue, I'm thinking "why" as opposed to just looking at her and saying, no way. Some folks have legitimate health issues, or other challenges are going on. But overall and typically, I'm looking for someone healthy, not a super stick, but someone who's healthy and taking care of themself.

I think when you sit down and get to know someone, that's when these things reveal themselves, and through prayer. Looks can only get you so far. A carton of milk can look good when you're thirsty, but what good is it if you don't look, see and smell that it's one month old? too late...gulp... But at the same time, it's a factor.

But once I get past the initial meeting of someone and spend some time with them, these are the things I'm considering, thinking about. Sometimes it works for me, and keeps me out of bad situations. Other times against me lol, since sometimes I wonder if I'm thinking too much, not acting and missing out. Sometimes, you just have to step out on faith and say, hi, how are you, would you like to get a soda?

It can get frustrating. While it's good to think all of these things out, I'm so busy thinking, I don't do enough talking It's a balance, you've got to be careful not to rule out someone because they don't meet every single thing. That's why I pray for guidance. I don't believe in 'soul mates', but I do believe in making God-lead choices. There's been times that things haven't worked out like I've originally wanted. But in the end, it turned out God was looking out for me, and it was for my good.

*breathes*

hmm...oh, compatibility. Err yes, compatibility. Ya, it's important

LOL, this post is right on. You're either a Virgo or an INFP or, just very in touch with what you want.

I believe the same way, when I date somebody if it's just for fun or datings sake I really don't care too much about compatability. Before you hit me over the head, I will start by saying I don't date w/intent to marry. I'm divorced and as I stand today I don't plan to remarry. But, if I were to have a serious relationship, all the above you mentioned would have to be in play and most definately if it went beyond just bf/gf.

There is SO much at stake here, and I also like to have TONS of stuff in common, if not I don't feel comfortable at some level. And no, just a few things aren't good enough. I had a relationship that was spiritually VERY compatible, there was mutual attraction, I think intellectually and our thoughts about parenting or our spiritual lives were eerily in tune. However I found that not enough. There were other things, like financial compatibility as far as goals, career goals, where to live goals that got in the way. More then anything else that I can pinpoint, it was just that "lack of peace" feeling you mentioned. SOMETHING was off to me, there were other things that I don't care to mention that were incompatible in a way. I also spend a lot of time analyzing, but if I feel a twinge of pause, discomfort or feel somehow "confused" when being w/this person then it's definately not the right relationship. I guess with time I figured out why those pauses came to me and realize that our "gut" feelings are there for a reason.

Basically, to ME what it boils down to is there is so much I expect to have in common that to actually find that person that you need in your life, w/in your area, when you don't go out and meet people, well the chances are like finding a needle in a haystack, so I kind of go with the "why bother" attitude and just got rid of dating all together. Just the relationship "drama" if you kwim in itself is just SO not worth my time or energy or mental/heart space. To me it's not anyway. I have other things that keep me fulfilled.

 

[Macrina]

Just the relationship "drama" if you kwim in itself is just SO not worth my time or energy or mental/heart space. To me it's not anyway. I have other things that keep me fulfilled.

Every other day, I agree with you. On the off days I forget about the drama and just want the relationship.

 

[nathan82]

I mean, do men tend to choose someone based on looks and then "find the good qualities about her" after that?

You kinda hit it spot on. I will speak for myself and I'm sure the majority of guys.

Of course personality is important...however that is to say we consider such once physical criteria is met. Think of it as a branching line:

1) attractive? yes, no
- if yes proceed to step 2; if no repeat step 1 w/ different girl
2) personality? yes, no
- if yes proceed to step 3; if no repeat step 1 w/ different girl
3) courtship/hitting on/etc.

Something like that. I made it very simplistic, which it is anything but. Of course, what is "attractive," what is "personality?" For some guys it the same variables, for other guys something completely different. One guy might want someone short, someone else might want someone over 6'. One guy might want a controlling girl, other want to control the girl.

Something else to keep in mind that isn't explained in my simple step chart. I have in a few instances found myself attractive to a girl after knowing her personality more. That in turn made her physically more attractive. It does happen.

Hope that helps.

 

[Niels]

Hi Jenster . I was just perusing forums for a moment, and felt moved to comment. A woman's personality, intelligence, sense of humour etc. are definitely important to me.


Here's how I see it:

Most women are pretty*, but very few women have what it takes to be compatible with me. Though I certainly want my future spouse to be pretty (in my eyes), that doesn't mean I'm attracted to every pretty woman. Far from it. In fact, many aren't very interesting, and/or have grating personalities. Some pretty women are even ugly people... I see it in how they treat others and how they treat themselves. Others simply aren't interested in me, which helps me lose interest in them. Looks do matter, but it's almost a non-issue. The other things are bound to be more problematic.

It seems to me that adequate compatibility is the most challenging thing to find, and probably the reason why I'm still single.


*By saying "pretty" I'm talking about physical beauty, not to be confused with general attractiveness.

 

[Mark2010]

Nathan,

I agree with you with the disclaimer that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Someone that I find attractive you may not and vice versa. It would be wrong to send a message to women that if they don't fit a certain "mold" that no one will find them attractive. I see people everyday who are married that I do not find physically attractive in the least. Evidently, someone did.

So don't be discouraged if you don't connect with one person.

 

[zay]

Heh, yeah Jen, I guess a lot is going on up there. Great minds think alike, right?

Overit, lol you read me pretty well, maybe even better than myself! Born last day of summer. I thought I was INFJ, but after reading the synopsis of both, I guess I'm hybrid. But at the moment I'm a little more INFP! Guess I have to take that test again! Btw, how do you know about horoscopes? Shame on you! j/j

But yes, those are a lot of the things I'm considering. I'm not so sure that I know exactly who/what I'm looking for, but I do have an idea. A lot of those things I feel are important. Marriage=partnership, and while I'm not expecting 100% compatibility on every single thing by any means, I'm hoping that we will have a God-lead relationship that fits within those concepts and ideals. If not, that's why I'm continuously praying for God's guidance.

I can also relate to your feelings about stopping looking. There have been times that I've felt so frustrated that I just said "God, guess it's me and you!" Which, I'm sure everyone has had those moments. If that's the way it goes, it's fine by me. I would be a little disappointed, but in the end, it all works together for my good. But I believe that it'll all come together in time. Just got to keep praying, believing, seeking His will and keeping my eyes open. Again, all works together to the good for those who love him. Sometimes I just have to think AND look more around me I guess, lol.

In regards to looks, I agree a lot with what CuriousArtist said. With what he said about attraction and what's beautiful to one may not be to me (others have said that as well). Also, that there is no one and only mold. It varies from woman to woman, physically and in spirit. One girl may be "curvy" and silent, another skinny and vibrant. It depends on their spirit to sell me, and the items I mentioned before. More so, especially in regards to a woman who has a heart for people. I'm also looking at how she treats herself and others. A God-driven woman who loves God first and has a heart for people is an awesome thing. That's a huge key for me. If you look up the INFP and/or INFJ profile(s), there's a lot of me in them.

It has been tough to find someone who's compatible. Not because I'm holier than thou or high-minded, or anything of that nature. I'm constantly searching for a God-lead perspective. But finding that right balance, and peace in my spirit on someone, just hasn't been there yet. But either way, I have faith and I know it'll all work out in the end. Life's a garden. Dig it. It'll all work out.

Btw, thanks Pastor Mac (Macrina), glad you liked.