Grew Up Lutheran - Married a Non-denominational Girl...

[Sandyfeet33]

I was born and raised in an ELCA congregation in the Northeast. I attended a Midwestern Lutheran College, during which time I really began to understand my faith and became more comfortable with my personal spirituality. Fast forward several years of bachelorhood and I am now married to a woman who grew up Baptist but is now a non-denominational/contemporary type of girl. I am most comfortable with liturgy and music, especially hymns, choirs and the organ are important to my spiritual experience. I do not feel comfortable at all with the church we go to. It's a rock concert atmosphere, there's no liturgy or tradition. The theology, though technically Presbyterian, is not in line with my understanding. It's almost like I'm not challenged enough by the pastors. It's somewhat dumbed down. Going to a more traditional church, let alone getting back to an ELCA church just doesn't seem to be in the cards as my wife feels the same way about what I prefer. We have 2 young girls and I want to get them started off on a good path. They still haven't been baptized yet. I have been struggling with this whole topic for some time and have chatted with some clergy friends. I welcome any thoughts that might make me think deeper and explore this more. Thanks!

 

[Tigger45]

Hi and welcome to CF! I go to a LCMC congregation and they have three services. The first service is all traditional, the second is a little less and the third has a little more contemporary music (although it is not rock and roll). I'm wondering if she would warm up to a liturgical service if it had more contemporary music. Also there is a rich church history concerning the liturgy, it might help if she knew more about it.

 

[Tangible]

Perhaps a good explanation of Lutheranism in an accessible form would help her understand better. The book below is an excellent short, ecumenical, non-threatening introduction to Lutheran Christianity. The first edition is basically free for the shipping costs.

http://www.amazon.com/The-Spirituality-Cross-First-Evangelicals/dp/0570053218

Spirituality of the Cross Revised Edition: Gene Edward Veith: 9780758613035: Amazon.com: Books

 

[Gnarwhal]

I was born and raised in an ELCA congregation in the Northeast. I attended a Midwestern Lutheran College, during which time I really began to understand my faith and became more comfortable with my personal spirituality. Fast forward several years of bachelorhood and I am now married to a woman who grew up Baptist but is now a non-denominational/contemporary type of girl. I am most comfortable with liturgy and music, especially hymns, choirs and the organ are important to my spiritual experience. I do not feel comfortable at all with the church we go to. It's a rock concert atmosphere, there's no liturgy or tradition. The theology, though technically Presbyterian, is not in line with my understanding. It's almost like I'm not challenged enough by the pastors. It's somewhat dumbed down. Going to a more traditional church, let alone getting back to an ELCA church just doesn't seem to be in the cards as my wife feels the same way about what I prefer. We have 2 young girls and I want to get them started off on a good path. They still haven't been baptized yet. I have been struggling with this whole topic for some time and have chatted with some clergy friends. I welcome any thoughts that might make me think deeper and explore this more. Thanks!

Welcome to CF!

I can relate to your predicament, when I was married I became more interested in a liturgical form of church over the course of those 4.5 years and become increasingly uncomfortable and resentful of the concert form of worship that I saw in the evangelical churches my ex-wife wanted to be at.

One question: how much of this have you discussed with your wife? If she's completely unaware of how you feel then that would be a good place to start. I mean, for all you know she's completely willing to figure something out with you (whether it be joining a Lutheran church or finding some sort of middle ground, whatever that may be).

 

[Basil the Great]

I sympathize with your predicament. A rock concert atmosphere would send me packing after one service. There are certainly plenty of marriages that work where the husband and wife attend different churches. We all know of Protestant-Catholic marriages. While it is wonderful if the entire family are members of the same local church, such is not an absolute necessity.

 

[Gnarwhal]

I sympathize with your predicament. A rock concert atmosphere would send me packing after one service. There are certainly plenty of marriages that work where the husband and wife attend different churches. We all know of Protestant-Catholic marriages. While it is wonderful if the entire family are members of the same local church, such is not an absolute necessity.

This is also true. It's not for everyone, but sometimes work out that way to everyone's satisfaction.

 

[doulos_tou_kuriou]

When my wife and I first got married (she was not Lutheran), we regularly attended two church services on Sunday, one Lutheran and one that more closely reflected the type she was used to. Over time, she came to fall in love with the Lutheran liturgy and on her own chose to join the Lutheran church and prefers it now over non-liturgical churches. But that took time, patience, lots of conversation, and a willingness to not push it on her. There is also no guarantee. It happened while I had no expectation of her to become Lutheran. Had I, it might not have happened.

My point is this: her initial feelings about liturgy may in fact change over time. Liturgy typically takes time to feel at home with and in my experience few love it when they first experience it. And if neither are really wanting to surrender your church style/theology there are still ways you two can grow together in faith, even if it is a bigger church "commitment".

 

[lutherangerman]

First of all, you are a couple and in love and therefor there should be ways for this to work out in patience and kindness. It's not a problem if you go to separate services, ie she goes to her concert contemporary thing, and you go to your ELCA church. It can be done and it's not too far away from what I am used to in Germany here where some are protestant and others are catholic.

 

[AtHome inAlaska]

It's been so long since this post but I wanted to mention that even though the music style is clashing..and it comes across as a rock concert, I have a definite reverence for the Lord and the meaning of the songs runs deep and sits with me a long time. Playing a trumpet or a drum, singing loud or quiet shouldn't created such a wide chasm between those with foundation-ally solid beliefs. I hope all has worked out well for you guys.

 

[FireDragon76]

It's been so long since this post but I wanted to mention that even though the music style is clashing..and it comes across as a rock concert, I have a definite reverence for the Lord and the meaning of the songs runs deep and sits with me a long time. Playing a trumpet or a drum, singing loud or quiet shouldn't created such a wide chasm between those with foundation-ally solid beliefs. I hope all has worked out well for you guys.

It's not just a question of musical style but the substance of worship. You can have liturgy with contemporary music but the elements of traditional Christian worship are more than just stylistic choices.

Many of the hymns we sing in our church are less than 40 years old. Yet they have theological significance that reflect our Lutheran faith.