Graveyard shift advice

[pressingon17]

Hey all,

So I've been married for almost 2 months now and I need some advice. My wife is struggling with me working graves all the time, I've been working the same job and same 12am-8am shift since we started dating. I work 45 minutes from home so I always leave early and get home later in the mornings and my wife is just struggling with me gone at night and sleeping alone and being alone most of the day while I sleep. I've been trying to spend a couple hours in the mornings before I head to bed and a few hours in the evenings with her before I have to get ready for work but it still is never enough for either of us. She's been telling me she's feeling distant from me and still feels "single" in a sense because we both sleep and live on different schedules. Any advice from fellow married couples on balancing married life and graveyards?

Thanks

 

[favoritetoyisjoy]

Sounds very familiar. We got through it but it's one of the things that I wish had never happened.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Tell her she's not single and she needs to sleep when you do.

 

[Annessa3]

alert the media! I agree with AL

 

[favoritetoyisjoy]

Ah, right. We had school age children and she had a day job.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Ah, right. We had school age children and she had a day job.

Then it might be wise of you to get a day job too.

(But Al, the money...)

is not worth it.

I know. Been there done that.

 

[favoritetoyisjoy]

Then it might be wise of you to get a day job too.

(But Al, the money...)

is not worth it.

I know. Been there done that.

Agreed, my third shift days are long over and we're empty nesters, but she still works day shift....

 

[ValleyGal]

I do not recommend sleeping at the same time. It will mess with her circadian rhythm just like it's messing with yours. There are 24 hours in a day, and you use up 9.5 hours with your job and commute. Even if she works 8 hours, that still leaves 6 hours a day (if she has a 15 minute commute time). Six hours is probably more than you spent together when you were dating. How did you cope with it when you were dating? I mean, she knew you worked nights, so what did she expect? ....and maybe that's what this is about, that she expected something other than she got with regard to how she would (should) feel after the wedding? If it's simply that her expectations were disappointed, she needs to grieve that and move on to accepting that it's different than most marriages.

 

[Niffer]

That sucks.
There's no two ways about, and when you're newly-weds the LAST thing you want is to not be sleeping together.

BUT, you still have weekends together, and she obviously knew you'd be continuing to work these hours, so she's just going to need to deal with reality.
Is it even possible for you to maybe get a non-graveyard shift? Maybe start looking into that, and seeing what could be done.

If nothing can be done, then well, it is what it is.
At least you're not on a 2 week on, 1 week off work schedule, or doing a 6 month tour of Afghanistan....

~ Niff

 

[Inkachu]

Hey all,

So I've been married for almost 2 months now and I need some advice. My wife is struggling with me working graves all the time, I've been working the same job and same 12am-8am shift since we started dating. I work 45 minutes from home so I always leave early and get home later in the mornings and my wife is just struggling with me gone at night and sleeping alone and being alone most of the day while I sleep. I've been trying to spend a couple hours in the mornings before I head to bed and a few hours in the evenings with her before I have to get ready for work but it still is never enough for either of us. She's been telling me she's feeling distant from me and still feels "single" in a sense because we both sleep and live on different schedules. Any advice from fellow married couples on balancing married life and graveyards?

Thanks

Change shifts. Or get a new job.

Seriously, your marriage is brand spankin' new, and this is a crucial relationship-building time for the two of you. Something as basic as having your spouse next to you in bed is not something to miss out on THIS early in the marriage! If you'd been married for 5 or 10 years, I'd think a little differently, but the first few months after the wedding are so important for building a good foundation.

Obviously if there is just no possible way for your to adjust your work schedule without winding up on unemployment, then just do your best to give her all the quality time and lovin' you can.

 

[pressingon17]

No way to change shifts, and jobs are hard to come by and I have almost 2 years into this job and it's the longest I've worked in one field. She's a daytime girl and I don't want to mess with her bodies schedule, I've been jacked up awhile so I've just got used to the always being tired feeling. At this time I'm on a 4 off 10 on 4 off schedule. So we spend all my days off together but it's still rough.

 

[Inkachu]

No way to change shifts, and jobs are hard to come by and I have almost 2 years into this job and it's the longest I've worked in one field. She's a daytime girl and I don't want to mess with her bodies schedule, I've been jacked up awhile so I've just got used to the always being tired feeling. At this time I'm on a 4 off 10 on 4 off schedule. So we spend all my days off together but it's still rough.

Yeah, that WOULD be rough.

My husband has kind of the opposite problem; he's naturally nocturnal, so he struggles to sleep at night and stay awake during the day. Sometimes it just plain sucks. You just have to work with it. I've felt so bad for him that I've told him if he wants to find a 3rd shift job, I wouldn't object, because I see how tired he is during the day and how he hardly ever sleeps at night. Poor guy.

 

[akmom]

My husband complains that I'm nocturnal. I guess I should have married a night shift guy. We both work days, and of course our kids go to school during the day. I don't know how people work night shifts into their lives, when everything else revolves around the day! But I'm often groggy all day, eager for a nap, and then the minute the sun goes down all this energy hits me and I'm up late into the night. I'm like a bat. I hate it, but it's true. If I can survive in a diurnal world, I think your wife can convert to a nocturnal one... does she have other obligations that require her to be awake all day?

 

[ValleyGal]

I used to work nights on a 5 on, 4 off rotation. I was younger (20 years ago), so my body adjusted fairly easily. I would go to bed at 2:00 pm, get up at 10:30 and be at work for report at 11:45. When I got off work at 8:00, I'd go pick my son up, spend the day with him, then take him back to mom (she looked after him when I was on rotation). I was able to spend every day with him - the best part of his day - from 8:15 until 1:45 every day that I worked.

One thing that I have to say is that the quality of our time together was more important than how much time we got together. We didn't waste our time watching cartoons. We would go play together at the park, or we'd be doing housework or yardwork, or playing ball....something interactive, focusing on each other. I would rather spend one hour of dedicated, quality time with the people I love, than 6 hours of being together without interacting.

So with that said, it might be a good idea to talk with your wife about ways you can make your together time more meaningful.

 

[akmom]

That is actually a good routine for a night-shifter, VG. Because if you think about it, the day really is divided into thirds (work, sleep, "free" time). If you get all three in full, it doesn't necessarily matter the order.

I guess the issue for the OP is that in a marriage, it's kind of important to have both sleep and free time together. Perhaps it's just one of those things you have to learn to do without some nights.

 

[pressingon17]

We make it work. It's just stressful with my work schedule because I really have no set days off. I'm off when I am scheduled to be off so planning anything together is difficult. She's an amazing girl with a lot of patience so I'm blessed.

 

[Autumnleaf]

No way to change shifts, and jobs are hard to come by and I have almost 2 years into this job and it's the longest I've worked in one field. She's a daytime girl and I don't want to mess with her bodies schedule, I've been jacked up awhile so I've just got used to the always being tired feeling. At this time I'm on a 4 off 10 on 4 off schedule. So we spend all my days off together but it's still rough.

Oh, you are unwilling to even try to change the situation.

Yeah, you're stuck. If you ever change your mind you may find the world will accommodate you or not. If you never try you will never know. I've tried several times and that has made all the difference for me and mine.

 

[pressingon17]

Oh, you are unwilling to even try to change the situation.

Yeah, you're stuck. If you ever change your mind you may find the world will accommodate you or not. If you never try you will never know. I've tried several times and that has made all the difference for me and mine.

I'm looking for a new job and hopefully something to do for a career. I'm an IT guy by trade so I would like to get back in that field.

 

[mkgal1]

Does your wife work, PressingOn?


What was your typical dating routine (what I mean is......what times did you normally get together...and how often during each week)?

 

[pressingon17]

Does your wife work, PressingOn?


What was your typical dating routine (what I mean is......what times did you normally get together...and how often during each week)?

We were dating when she was a Bible college student and I was and still am security graveyard staff at the conference center where the bible college is located. We basically would meetup everyday during the mornings or evenings for a few hours and spend time together. We had more time then together than we really do now.
She's a stay at home wife for the time being. I would prefer to be in the same bed with her and home at night with her. (We live in the country so I would prefer to be home incase anything happens.) It's just time for me to find daytime job. I made the original post to see if there was anything more I could do to build a healthy and loving home for her till a new job happens.