Graveyard shift advice

[HorsieJuice]

We were dating when she was a Bible college student and I was and still am security graveyard staff at the conference center where the bible college is located. We basically would meetup everyday during the mornings or evenings for a few hours and spend time together. We had more time then together than we really do now.
She's a stay at home wife for the time being. I would prefer to be in the same bed with her and home at night with her. (We live in the country so I would prefer to be home incase anything happens.) It's just time for me to find daytime job. I made the original post to see if there was anything more I could do to build a healthy and loving home for her till a new job happens.

If she's not working and you don't have kids, why can't she adjust her schedule to yours?

My ex-wife pulled this on me: I was working the equivalent of 2nd shift most of the time we were dating, then when we got married, she started complaining about my hours. Though, my ex had a regular 9-5 job.

I'm all for being flexible for the sake of each other, but I don't think it's very reasonable of her to have known about this schedule all along, but expect you to change now, particularly when she doesn't have any obligations preventing her from adapting her schedule to yours.

 

[faroukfarouk]

I used to work nights on a 5 on, 4 off rotation. I was younger (20 years ago), so my body adjusted fairly easily. I would go to bed at 2:00 pm, get up at 10:30 and be at work for report at 11:45. When I got off work at 8:00, I'd go pick my son up, spend the day with him, then take him back to mom (she looked after him when I was on rotation). I was able to spend every day with him - the best part of his day - from 8:15 until 1:45 every day that I worked.

One thing that I have to say is that the quality of our time together was more important than how much time we got together. We didn't waste our time watching cartoons. We would go play together at the park, or we'd be doing housework or yardwork, or playing ball....something interactive, focusing on each other. I would rather spend one hour of dedicated, quality time with the people I love, than 6 hours of being together without interacting.

So with that said, it might be a good idea to talk with your wife about ways you can make your together time more meaningful.

Oh I know; being on work mode in the middle of the night can be a bit mind-boggling sometimes.

 

[LinkH]

I agree with Inkachu that you should try to get another shift or job.

When you are both awake, try to show your wife affection. Tell her you love her. If you used to do that and stopped because you are so tired, do it while you are awake. Give her long 10 or 20 second kisses. Tell her you are sorry you don't spend as much time with her now that you are working graveyard.

 

[Dan61861]

This might sound silly, it's what my wife and I did. I bought her a dog, actually she now has three dogs. They sleep with her at night so she doesn't feel alone. They are big enough that she feels completely safe. I feel better knowing they will protect her. After the kids moved out, they became her babies.

In Christ
Daniel

 

[pressingon17]

This might sound silly, it's what my wife and I did. I bought her a dog, actually she now has three dogs. They sleep with her at night so she doesn't feel alone. They are big enough that she feels completely safe. I feel better knowing they will protect her. After the kids moved out, they became her babies.

In Christ
Daniel

I find this funny, our neighbor just gave us a black lab puppy today. She's the happiest girl in the world now.

 

[contango]

We were dating when she was a Bible college student and I was and still am security graveyard staff at the conference center where the bible college is located. We basically would meetup everyday during the mornings or evenings for a few hours and spend time together. We had more time then together than we really do now.
She's a stay at home wife for the time being. I would prefer to be in the same bed with her and home at night with her. (We live in the country so I would prefer to be home incase anything happens.) It's just time for me to find daytime job. I made the original post to see if there was anything more I could do to build a healthy and loving home for her till a new job happens.

IT and the country don't tend to play nicely together, it would appear.

The thing with any kind of problem is that hoping they'll go away never works. Ultimately you have to either fix it or deal with it. So with that in mind...

If you can't find alternative work nearby, is it time to move to where there is work? I fully understand the attraction to living in the country but that doesn't put food on the table or pay the bills.

Can your wife adjust her schedule? It's very easy for a spouse to complain about something when they could adapt to it. If you don't have children and she doesn't work, what stops her from adjusting her routine to work around you? That would seem like a small ask, if the alternative is that you have no income. She might not want to be up at unusual hours but her options, like yours, are "fix it" or "deal with it". She can't fix it so her option is to deal with it. Maybe she could get a day job so you can afford to quit your night job and have normal hours together while you look for a day job? If she wants to work with you that would seem like a reasonable thing to do. If she just wants to throw a problem at you in the hopes you'll wave a magic wand and make it go away then she needs to get her mind out of "fairytale princess" world and into the real world.

Can you start an IT business "on the side" to see if it will fly? If you can do some development type work (and development can be done anywhere) perhaps you can generate a second income. If the second income grows large enough you can drop your job and focus on your IT work. If it doesn't, you know it's not an option and can look at others.

 

[mkgal1]

I find this funny, our neighbor just gave us a black lab puppy today. She's the happiest girl in the world now.

Wait! So that settled it? If so...... The love of a dog seems to fix a lot of things

 

[HannahT]

This might sound silly, it's what my wife and I did. I bought her a dog, actually she now has three dogs. They sleep with her at night so she doesn't feel alone. They are big enough that she feels completely safe. I feel better knowing they will protect her. After the kids moved out, they became her babies.

In Christ
Daniel

Actually, that happened to me.

When we were first married he was working a night shift. He got me an irish setter. I can't tell you how much that helped. I felt odd being left alone, because it wasn't something I experienced before in this sense.

We have a funny family story from that time too! I heard someone (I thought) breaking in, and coming up the stairs. Prancer was growling, and so I know it wasn't my imagination. I grabbed a can of hair spray, and a lighter. It was aimed at the door, and the instant someone entered they would be TOAST! I hesitated only because the dog started to wag his tail. The door opened - husband screamed...and ran backwards! Prancer no doubt saved him, because if he had NOT wagged his tail? I would NOT have hesitated at all. Yes, he came home early that night.

Over 20 years later? He still laughs that I'm the only one in the family that doesn't do 'guns', and he doesn't worry about me. I have hairspray and a lighter.

 

[bluegreysky]

If I were you I would look for day jobs instead... unless your night job is just the most bookoo-bucks-making-benefits-offering-most-stable-thing-lots-of-room-for-promotions thing ever. Then see if maybe
1) she can get a night job too so you can both sleep together all day
or
2) she can quit working and sleep all day beside you and be up all night doing the chores most people would be doing all day when their spouse has a day job.