Welcome Daniel, to CF! I am glad you are posting here.
Ok where do I start? I am glad you are seeking for help. We all need it for sure. First, you aren't alone in not caring about things any longer. I HAVE been there but I am no longer at that point. I changed my thinking & my ways to live life from God's viewpoint & learning wisdom, the skill of living as God desires. But this isn't about me, but you. Consider the prophet Jeremiah:
Lamentations 3:1ff I am the man who has seen affliction under the rod of God’s wrath. He has driven me away & made me walk in darkness instead of light. He has besieged me & surrounded me with bitterness & hardship. He has made me dwell in darkness like those dead for ages. He has walled me in so I cannot escape; He has weighed me down with chains. Even when I cry out and plead for help, He shuts out my prayer. My soul has been deprived of peace; I have forgotten what prosperity is. So I say, “My strength has perished along with my hope from the LORD.”
You are not the only one who has gotten to this point.
Consider the great prophet Elijah:
And Elijah was afraid & ran for his life. When he came to Beersheba in Judah, he left his servant there, while he himself traveled on a day’s journey into the wilderness. He sat down under a broom tree & prayed that he might die. “I have had enough, LORD,” he said. “Take my life, for I am no better than my fathers.” Then he lay down under the broom tree & fell asleep. Suddenly an angel touched him & said, “Get up & eat.” And he looked around & there by his head was a cake of bread baked over hot coals & a jar of water. So he ate & drank and lay down again. A second time the angel of the LORD returned & touched him, saying, “Get up & eat, for the journey will be too much for you.” So he got up & ate & drank. And strengthened by that food, he walked forty days & forty nights until he reached Horeb, the mountain of God.
There Elijah entered a cave & spent the night. And the word of the LORD came to him, saying, “What are you doing here, Elijah?” “I have been very zealous for the LORD, the God of Hosts,” he replied, “but the Israelites have forsaken Your covenant, torn down Your altars & killed Your prophets with the sword. I am THE ONLY ONE LEFT & they are seeking my life as well.” Then the LORD said, “Go out & stand on the mountain before the LORD.
And a great & mighty wind tore into the mountains & shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake there was a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a still, small voice.
When Elijah HEARD IT--
he wrapped his face in his cloak & went out & stood at the mouth of the cave. Suddenly a Voice came to him and said, “What are you doing here, Elijah?”
“I have been very zealous for the LORD, the God of Hosts,” he replied, “but the Israelites have forsaken Your covenant, torn down Your altars, and killed Your prophets with the sword. I am the only one left, and they are seeking my life as well.”
Then the LORD said to him, “Go back the way you came, to the Desert of Damascus. When you arrive, you are to anoint Hazael as king over Aram. You are also to anoint Jehu son of Nimshi as king over Israel & Elisha son of Shaphat from Abel-meholah to succeed you as prophet...Nevertheless, I have reserved 7000 in Israel—all whose knees have not bowed to Baal & whose mouths have not kissed him.”
Your words: "I'm alone completely." Elijah's words: "I am the only one left." He stopped following the LORD.
God has been caring for you all this time, with a job, food, clothing, housing, just like He cared for Elijah. But He is asking you the same question, maybe twice like the prophet Elijah when he kept HIDING: "What are you doing here, Daniel Wright--at this point in your life?"
God told Job this when he was questioning why he was in such a difficult situation & wanting to just give up:
Job 38:1,2 “Who is this who obscures My counsel by words without knowledge? Get ready (gird your loins, brace yourself) to answer Me LIKE A MAN; when I question (demand answers of) you, then you answer Me."
It is time to man up, Daniel. Time to go hear God's still small voice, to spend time ALONE with the Lord, to give & to get answers to 'what are you doing here' & how to get unstuck & move up & onward. You will notice God's answer to Elijah's pity party. 'You are still a prophet, Elijah. Go do what I tell you. And by the way, you aren't the only one, I have 7000 more who follow Me & not Baal.'
Second, YOU got TO THIS POINT by following a certain path that you chose & to think a certain way that you are thinking & to make decisions based on that thinking. You can't blame others. Those recovering in AA call it 'stinkin' thinkin' & gave a definition of insanity: doing something over & over again & expecting a different result.
Go back & read Lamentations chapter 3. See what Jeremiah did when he was at that point to get unstuck. Read Jeremiah chapter 17 for additional insights.
Get rid of the erroneous thinking that it is 'hypocritical how I need to be the start in a friendship becouse I'm the one in need." Quit hiding. You go out & meet with the saints of God as they assemble locally. You love your neighbor AS YOURSELF. Let God meet your needs while you obey Him & love your neighbor & meet their needs. That is what love is all about. YOU reach out.
You will find as I did, that I needed to quit hiding & to go out of my way to love God & love my neighbors. In that very process, I learned a valuable lesson. I got my eyes off myself & on to God & to the needs of others. And when I did, suddenly my needs were being met at the same time! What a surprise. Obeying the Lord DOES WORK WONDERS.
Another thing is that you don't 'go to church' you are the church, being spiritually baptized into one body. YOU need to exercise within the body of Christ the gifts that God has graciously given you. When you obey God & do that, suddenly your needs are being wonderfully met. Amazing how that happens!
Third, there was an initial point in your life when you DID CARE, enjoyed life & had meaningful relationships. That means there is HOPE & a way out from staying stuck at this point. Jesus gives counsel to those in THE CHURCH AT EPHESUS:
Rev 2:5 Therefore, keep in mind how far you have fallen. Repent & perform the deeds you did at first."
Return to your first love! You once again need a BIG DOSE of God's truth found in His Word to render useless these pitiful lies of the enemy that he has cleverly got you to believe.
Heb 10:32 Remember the early days that you were in the light, when you endured a great conflict in the face of suffering.
Things happened & you were hurt & that hurt led you to withdraw so you wouldn't get further hurt. The hurt developed into a root of bitterness & blaming others for the state you are presently in. Now you have been alone long enough & have withdrawn long enough, that making an effort to get out of this unhealthy predicament is not worth the effort IN YOUR OWN THINKING. You give up trying & go into survival subsistence. But one cannot keep going this way without serious damage to our soul/psyche. Being numb comes from supressing the truth long enough that I begin believing lies as the truth.
So what to do about this 'stinkin thinkin' or believing the lies of the enemy who has come to 'steal, kill & destroy.' The devil comes to steal the joy of the LORD from you. He would love to convince you that killing yourself is the best solution & would be the quick way to end your meaningless struggle AT THIS POINT. He also wants to destroy, to render your service to God useless & futile & no longer worthy to pursue.
So far he has worked you over pretty good on the first two. Congrats to you that you rejected the second one & are still preaching the gospel, the GOOD NEWS concerning Jesus Christ. Now THAT is GOOD NEWS! (I can imagine you grinning on this one, in spite of yourself!)
Ok. Time to man up again, Daniel Wright! Time to RESIST the devil, reject his lies & put on the full armor of God. Read Ephesians 6 again. One thing I have gotten into the habit of saying each morning I wake up & am laying in bed, is the memorized verses of Psalm 118:23,24:
"This is the day that the LORD has made; let us rejoice & be glad in it. Save NOW, O LORD, we beseech Thee. O LORD, we beseech Thee, grant us success."
Feel free to respond to anything I have written. I look forward to your response & your encouragement toward me.
One last thought: Rev 3:2,3 "Be watchful & strengthen the things which remain, that are ready to die; because I have not found your works perfected (yet) before God."
Jesus isn't finished with you yet, Daniel. He has much more work for you to do & for His work in you, bringing you to full maturity in Him. Therefore we can have hope!
Philippians 1:6 For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will continue to perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.
